When to tell step kids about new baby

[Tishtun]

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

@PeeAche2 I think that's why I lurk around. Counter balance to all the mind boggling crap ! Ahh I have a toddler now and my god 😅 I had forgotten how speedy they are !

So pleased to read your well ❤️❤️

We don't owe her an explanation or a heads up. It's none of her business and the same her end with whatever she chooses to do with her life.

You really do. It is her business that her children will have a new sibling. That’s not to say she should be consulted, but it’s in the best interests of the children that your dp communicates effectively with her on anything that will impact their dc.

I would tell her, your husband only needs to send her a text.

My partners ex sent a heads up message ahead of telling their shared children that she was expecting a baby with her new partner, just to let him know and ask that he be supportive when the children brought it up.

It all seemed quite sensible to me and worked well for the children.

I’m not confident that it would be reciprocated if we had a baby together but that’s purely hypothetical.

IfYouDontAsk · 22/05/2023 07:27
It could have been the mum who’s moved 350 miles away so the father only seeing the children once a month might not be a situation he’s chosen”

Quite: why do most people assume Dad did the leaving?

Telling the ex before the children is fine if the ex is a reasonable person.

Like I posted earlier, we told the ex before the kids and it completely backfired on us. She told the kids before we had a chance to and told them in a very negative light. eg. 'You won't matter to your Daddy now' 'Daddy has a replacement family'.

The op needs to judge it on what the ex would do.

I got a similar kicking from the pearl clutchers once, when DSD's mum moved to live near her family for support following their relationship breakdown. Everyone assumed it was DH who had left and suggested he was Satan's spawn.

I mean it's not an ideal time for him to be starting a new family when he's not in a position to have regular contact with the children he already has. Even if the distance isn't his fault he should still be focussing on how to be closer to his children.

It's funny isn't it.

Even with mum moving away there hasn't been any calling her a hideous crappy parent (unlike with dad). Not that I think any parent moving away makes them hideous on either side.

It's amazing to that a thread about a pregnancy and telling the children, has turned into a op your partner is a shit dad who will leave you and move 100 miles away so therefore the baby shouldn't exist.

There's bonkers ..then there's this thread. So much focus on dad being "awful" and DSC and absolutely little regard for op or the child.

Although I do think mum needs a text to say hey just head up, baby due x.

It's not like the baby can be unborn, no matter how many people insist they shouldn't exist.

Well tough there's a baby on the way who is also important

So he should have delayed having a baby with current partner and financed a move of home first? And what if his ex moves again? Is he to spend years following her moves and the finances involved in that, putting on hold anything they may want to embark on. I find this ludicrous. Both parents should be facilitating the ability for those children to see each parents regularly. Not mum does whatever she wants and dad picks up sticks and follows otherwise he's criticised. It's just bonkers.

Exactly this! You hit the nail on the head. The bias is unreal how no one says anything regarding mum picking up sticks and loving them hundreds of miles away

I cannot foresee a situation where I would only see my DC once a month - and at whatever personal cost I would move heaven and earth to see and be with them - especially if the other parent couldn’t be trusted so yeah I do judge parents who do the bare minimum then whine it isn’t their fault the evil ex moved away.

We as MNs will never fully understand your situation OP. Only you can make the choices based on your personal circumstances.

Given the information I have read I would tell your stepchildren when you have them with you, face to face. Then DP can message/call to tell his ex. That way she is prepared for when the children return home. I would tell them between 12 & 20 weeks depending on how you feel and when you start to show.

Decent parents consider the impact on their existing children before having more whatever the family structure. He's not going to be as able to change his circumstances so he can be there for his existing children by having a second family.

OP, it's not your fault that your partner has made the decisions he has but be realistic. You won't gain anything by making things more difficult for your SCs mother. When you next have contact just send her a message before they arrive home. Then you don't have to worry about her telling them before you do.

Decent parents consider the impact on their children before moving hundreds of miles away. It may have been unavoidable but Dad can't be expected to pick up stocks and move across country at a whim.

Never said otherwise. I don't think either of these adults have behaved well here.

No one's whining.

Literally op is asking how to tell DSC about her pregnancy

There are a few posters however who were whining that OPs DH is a hideous dad because mum moved away and of course he should follow her around (jobs houses bedammed)But you wouldn't be saying to a mum, you must move to follow dad. No matter what the cost. No matter how many moves mum makes.

And keep derailing this thread because it makes a better narrative than actually answer OPs question. Which had nothing to do with mum moving. Bizzar.

Like this posters are hell bent on kicking a pregnant women for a decision she had zero to do with (mum moving away). And those people will certainly be judged too 😊

Bizarre** ffs

This. Don't understand why this doesn't occur to you OP 😒

The way I see this is having a baby is really hard, it makes you more vulnerable even if very well paid. Your child will probably want to have a relationship with their half siblings and that fact they they don't live together presents a challenge.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by potentially antagonising your stepchildrens mother unnecessarily.

Why can’t some people get it into their heads that many MANY fathers have no choice but to see their children on strained contact terms, dictated by the mother. Mothers can be bad people. Mothers CAN be bad people. Do you understand?

My own husband has tried for custody and failed. He attempted to move closer to his children. She moved again. He told the children he would try to move to be nearer to them again. Then she told the police he’s stalking her. Then she told the courts he molested his children. Then it was 14 months of drawn out court action and cafcass fact finding. He had to see his children in a contact centre, like some kind of abusive, drug addled loser. That was his lowest point.

After all the accusations were found to be false, the judge told his ex wife “I take a dim view of that” and then it was over. No repercussions. No apology to my poor husband. No attempt to redress any balance.

My husband’s ex wife has cost him his entire adult life, and about £55,000 in legal costs. She has taken the poor children out of school 3 times and uprooted their lives over and over for new boyfriends. The children blame their father because they think he is forcing their mum to move. My eldest step child has never had school attendance above 80%. Last time the LEA got involved… mum moved her to a new school over the county lines.

Last week, we received notice that she is taking us back to court to reduce contact even further. This time because she has now had one diagnosed with ADHD and she says we they cannot visit dad anymore as it makes them anxious and underperform at school.

My step children appear to hate my husband now. Truly, hate him. I know that people like you will say it is because he deserves it, but I know he does not. I know the children have been poisoned against him.

If you’d like to know what his crime was… he found her cheating on him. She asked him to keep it a secret from her parents and instead told them that he was the cheat. He corrected the story and she lost it. Ran away with the children.

My story isn’t OP’s story, but for goodness sake, just accept that this is not a one size fits all thing and not all EOW dads are massive cunts that deserve for their children to hate them.

What @PeeAche2 has shared ties in directly to the below

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by potentially antagonising your stepchildrens mother unnecessarily.

Let's just call out that mums have a far amount of weight to limit or stop contact. Courts do very little. We can grizzle about it but it's the way it is and I agree with previous poster, better to keep her on side and tell her.

Yes, I agree. Mum is in control of the situation and your husband has no soft power whatsoever. He should text her.

@Meixo post is ridiculous as someone who has younger half-siblings.

I didn't think they were being born to replace me. (Then again my mother was batshit.)

And my SC were excited when told as they were getting a sibling like many of my friends' SC.

In fact an acquaintance of mine kept crying when she the news she was going to have a half-sibling even though she was an adult as she had wanted a sibling for years and now was finally getting one.

The only person who told SC they were being replaced was their mother, DP's ex. SC realised after some reassurance and when DD was born that wasn't true. The issue was and still is SC mother.

I think what's best is we see the reaction from the kids first... they could be excited and happy to have another sibling. We have spoke about this to them previously when we were actively trying for a baby.

The idea of having a baby isn't completely out of the blue.

If they were really withdrawn or upset ofcourse we'd take a view and maybe drop an FYI text. But the reality is my pregnancy and my child with my partner have nothing to do with the ex. Nor the decision to have a baby or have 5 more babies. We have a strong not our business policy and it makes co-parenting much easier as the focus is on the kids not what the other parent is doing ie how they live their lives.

I was asking for advice on when and how best to tell the step kids. Thanks for those that have shared your stories its appreciated and would love to hear more.