When to tell step kids about new baby

[Tishtun]

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

Not sure why I was deleted for saying the first wives club are giving poor pregnant OP a kicking.

Truth hurts, eh, vipers?

It’s not all first wives (I’m not one anyway!) but it’s probably a lot of parents who understand more than the OP seems to about what it means to put a child’s best interests first. No one is saying tell the ex because she deserves to know for herself, they’re saying tell the ex because it’s best for the kids. She can then be prepared and more importantly you’re not dropping the kids into the middle of adult shit by burdening them with telling her and surprising her. Of course it’s none of her business as an individual but it IS her business as the children’s full time parent.

It’s also probably a lot of people who still as adults carry the hurt of being those step kids and are speaking from their own experience.

Ive nothing at all against all step parents at all, but I do take issue with anyone who colludes to treat innocent children so poorly, as the OP and her husband are. I blame him much more as he’s the parent but she’s the one who came on here posting about it so she’s the one getting the responses.

And if me thinking that a parent should see their children move than monthly and that such an arrangement doesn’t scream father material makes me a ‘viper’ then 🤷‍♀️

That's a lot of froth to expend on a single opening post.

My parents/ step parents made some very bad calls but they were mostly just doing their best. I saw my dad every other week and that was not his fault. There's so much detail behind that but the headline is that my mum moved us 150 miles away.

The op is asking how best to do this, so that's an opportunity to give advice. She is totally new to this situation whereas many posters here have clearly experienced it.

Hold on.

I'm a first wife and I think people have been unnecessarily cruel . Obviously mum does need to be told, no one disputing that. But actually in terms of priority, DSC mum may not be anywhere near the top of the list. Since op the person who's person pregnant and it's her body and she may tell her own family before the ex wife.

However people are suggesting that op doesn't have the right to have a baby because they live far away from DSC. Like what person says that to a pregnant person WITH ZERO INFORMATION.
People are assuming that dad moved away and he's forgetting DSC 😵‍💫

I come from a blended family and don't doubt I have my own issues, but I certainly don't come on mn to give a pregnant women a good kicking to make myself feel better. That's projection and a sign someone needs to go to therapy rather than take their issues out on a random op on MN

To justify some of these comments ...it's just grim.

However people are suggesting that op doesn't have the right to have a baby because they live far away from DSC.

It’s not that the OP ‘doesn’t have a right to have her baby’! That’s ludicrous.

It’s that - from the information provided (as that’s all any of us have to go on) - there are red flags. Red flags are not sure-fire, legit issues, they’re (as the name suggests) flags that suggest issues might be there, or might arise.

A man who lives a long way away from his DC and who only ses them once a month is a red flag for many people - like it or not. It’s only a flag, and not an actual issue, because none of know what the actual situation is, or how OP and DH got to where they are.

But many women wouldn’t be quick to embark on a family with a man who’s ostensibly a parent in name only (again, we don’t actually know that).

There will be lots of people on this thread who identify strongly with the OP, and that’s understandable.

But she’s not the only one being impacted in this situation, and yet others on this thread are thinking wider than just her. There are people who will be impacted in this situation, who have zero say in anything - their living situation, how often they see their parents, the arrival of and impact of new siblings, etc, etc.

It’s naive in the extreme to expect people to robotically read a thread and not respond to what they perceive as issues. If you post on a massive public forum, you will get responses from a wide variety of people. That doesn’t mean people should go out of their way to be unkind - of course it doesn’t. But if people see issues, they’ll raise them.

I read through some of the responses. I'm baffled We don't need to tell the ex as the decision to have a baby is not her concern nor something she has influence over. Surly a child can come out with anything to its mum at anytime . Shes an adult and im not going to manage her emotional responses to her children. Thats for her to do.

We don't owe her an explanation or a heads up. It's none of her business and the same her end with whatever she chooses to do with her life.

It’s not about managing her emotional response, giving her the heads-up allows her to manage the emotional response of the children.
Otherwise you run the risk of it coming out from one of the children, in floods of tears at bedtime. Their mother is going to find it difficult to support them through it if she’s completely blindsided.

Why? She is their mum is she not equipped to help her kids manage their emotions. We will not just tell the kids leave them upset then drop them off.

Whatever their response is we will be loving and understanding as well as open to answering their questions. We have warmed them up in the past and asked about what they think about having a baby sibling. FYI ex moved for all those asking. And I remember not being best pleased that I was getting a brother. Idea of sharing my parenting wasn't appealing but there was no going back and children cannot dictate that kind of thing and we are and continue to be best friends.

I personally have never told mine until after the anomaly scan at 20 weeks. I think by then the riskiest time for losing the baby has passed and you know from the scan if there's anything else you need to prepare the siblings for.

Oh please, stop this!
My father lived far away from his first daughter, like hours of flight. Hes no longer there, me and my older sister live in different countries, but have a good relationship. She doesnt have other siblings and is very happy to have us even far away.

No, you’ve misunderstood, it’s not that she isn’t equipped to deal with their emotions. It’s that sometime children can struggle to articulate themselves and/or be very reluctant to actually tell you what’s wrong. Does their dad really want to risk them being upset, and their mum not knowing why? Comforting a child is FAR easier when you know what the problem is. Surely their dad wants their mum to be able to soothe them quickly, and not just blindly trying to guess what’s wrong?

And of course you wouldn’t just leave them upset, but the emotions are likely to be up and down for a while (or at least they were when we announced a new sibling). So they could absolutely be fine when you leave the on Wednesday, but feeling sad/scared/emotional again by Friday. At that point their dad won’t be seeing them for another month. It’s going to be mum supporting them through it. That’ll be virtually impossible if she doesn’t know what’s wrong.

I thought that I had a good relationship with the ex and when I told her (shes a f**king nurse), I asked not to tell the kids as if it wasnt obvious. I was an older mom too. Sure enough, she told the kids before 3 months and even lied that she didnt, so we didnt get to tell them ouselves. So in my case, it was a mistake.
I think that an arrival of a new child can make some exes feel unhappy/jealous, but it will pass.
Just tell the kids when you feel its appropriate, reassure them and dont worry too much.

No, you’ve misunderstood, it’s not that she isn’t equipped to deal with their emotions. It’s that sometime children can struggle to articulate themselves and/or be very reluctant to actually tell you what’s wrong. Does their dad really want to risk them being upset, and their mum not knowing why? Comforting a child is FAR easier when you know what the problem is. Surely their dad wants their mum to be able to soothe them quickly, and not just blindly trying to guess what’s wrong?

And of course you wouldn’t just leave them upset, but the emotions are likely to be up and down for a while (or at least they were when we announced a new sibling). So they could absolutely be fine when you leave the on Wednesday, but feeling sad/scared/emotional again by Friday. At that point their dad won’t be seeing them for another month. It’s going to be mum supporting them through it. That’ll be virtually impossible if she doesn’t know what’s wrong.

Absolutely this.

You need to read this back OP and understand that the reason for telling her is in order to prioritise the wellbeing of the children. As explained excellently by this poster.

Don't worry about the ex she isn't your problem the children are

Are the kids coming to you any time in the summer holidays ? If so tell them then. Hopefully they have a few days with you while the news settles and the politely text the ex and explain the kids know and we wanted to give you the heads up we are having a baby.

A once a month dad? Wow, what a prince. When you have your dc try imagining one seeing him/her once a month and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

You need to consider a few things here. You absolutely can wait to tell them until 20 weeks. But thats unlikely to work if you're planning on telling everyone else before then. You can't do a big facebook announcement or whatever at 12 weeks for all friends and family and not expect it to get back to them.

They should be one of the first to know. Yes tell parents, siblings, very close friends all privately and make sure they keep it VERY quiet. But the kids should know before you start telling work colleagues, extended family and friends etc. If you want to tell them before then, then you need to bring forward telling the kids too, especially at their ages.

Just read more - so you don’t need to inform the dc mum about a significant change in the dc life? Motherhood is going to include a lot of learnings for you. It’s not about asking her opinion it’s about providing vital information about her dc life when she’s the main care giver. The fact you need that explained to you is concerning.

MY Ex moved away with his then DP not as far as 350 miles but on a good month he may be saw our DCS twice. I had suspected for a while she was pregnant and was right.

He turned up to see them, took them out 20 minutes to the park, dropped them back as had to get back as DP was feeling ill. I opened the door 2 distraught DCs - 7 and 4 ran in up the stairs and into my bed. They were sobbing. He told them two days after my parents funeral - ffs. EMotions were running v v high.

For the first and possibly the only time i called him a selfish C**t to get out of my house and think about what he had just done.

I spent hours over the next 6 months bigging up the arrival of their sibling, mde them buy a little toy each and some clothes - they chose. It was incredibly hard - input form dumber and dumber - non bloody existent but when you only see your DCS twice per month there is eff all you can do to help them process their emotions.

We were not allowed to know the due date to plan around them meeting their new sibling, so was accused of sabotaging the birth because I had planned a trip away - 6 week from the date I had been told!!!!

They love their sibling but it really was through no help from EX - I did the work in preparing them. I was grieving my parent, still adjusting to EX and the OW and the break down of my marriage.

Your DH needs to do some serious work on his DCS - mine thought they were being replaced and they were - actions after the birth were mindblowingly cruel - that they still love their sibling is amazing.

Someone needs to support these DCS and due to distance it is the mother - this is not a 30 second conversation and run away, he needs to respect the mother of his DCS and give her the tools to provide the support he patently will be unable to

The ex moved

@quietnightmare It would take actual war and imprisonment to keep me away from my dc.

Thats great. Not everyone can pack their lives and jobs up and move 350 miles away. I hope your kids are never moved away from you. Let's not bash OPs husband. She's asking on the best way to let the kids know about her pregnancy.

@quietnightmare her attitude about her step children’s dm is rather telling.

I think you should give mum a heads up if she's anyway reasonable while they are visiting you. The mum is going to have to reassure these kids constantly as they are the primary care giver. Your DH only sees the kids once a month, they will be worrying they are going to be replaced. The mother will be the one emotionally supporting the DC.

That's your opinion and that's fine. facts are as far as we know the ex moved, it's out of the husbands hands. She's only asking how best to tell the kids. She's putting the kids first and rightly so, the ex isn't her problem. Perhaps we can not derail this post and feel free to put in some input that could benefit the op

You need to be understand that your DSC may well mask their emotions from you and their DF as they spend so little time with you. In the same way that you might say "fine" in reaction to a "How are you?" from a neighbour, but break down on your best friend in response to the same question (if you'd had a bad day).

When they're in their home and their daily routine, that's when they're likely to fully process and react to the news that their dad who lives so far away from them and only sees them once a month is going to have a new baby that lives with him every single day.

That's when they're going to need a fully-clued-up parent to help them manage their feelings. It's obviously not going to be your DP as he'll be 350miles away, so it needs to be their mum.

You could wave your DSC off and they'll have beaming smiles on their faces, but they'll burst into tears when the front door closes and their mum will need to understand why.

So yes, it is important that the person who spends 99% of the time caring for the DC knows about a major change in their life.