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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell step kids about new baby

202 replies

Tishtun · 21/05/2023 21:44

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

OP posts:
TheMeaningOfLife · 22/05/2023 07:58

Your DH’s kids will need support around this, the fact that their father thinks it is reasonable to let his kids tell their mum rather than giving her a head’s up so that she can be prepared to answer their questions is quite frankly unbelievable and you thinking that the mother of your step kids is “not in your circle to notify” suggests you are both living in La La land. Let’s hope he treats your kid better when you become the next ex as statistically is pretty likely.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 07:59

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 06:31

OP is suggesting that the kids tell her- a terrible idea. Her husband needs to tell his ex.

Show quote history

I agree with that but I wouldn't tell mum before the kids. They need to hear it from their dad

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:00

Carryonkeepinggoing · 22/05/2023 07:02

I think you could wait til the 20week scan, tell the kids at the next visit and then have your DH tell his ex when he drops the kids home. - Just a quick; ´The kids have some news. They are going to have a new baby brother/sister on my side. Due x month).´
Don’t leave the kids to tell her. Then she’ll have to call and confirm it’s true.

She'll know its on his side!

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:00

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 06:32

Sorry, posted too soon. Telling her first gives her the chance to have input into when and how it's done- she's the one who lives with the kids and is likely to have a good idea how the news will affect them.

She doesnt need input. He is their parent he should know them

otherwayup · 22/05/2023 08:01

Why on earth are you having a child with a man who doesn't in anyway put his existing children first?
He sees them once a month!!!

IncomingTraffic · 22/05/2023 08:02

Shame on everyone on this post who've taken the opportunity to give her a kick when you know very little about this situation.

wholeheartedly agree.

Why are people having a go at the OP for her husbands a failings as a father. It’s his responsibility to support his children through this, and that includes thinking through how to tell them about their new half sibling.

The OP doesn’t have to bring his ex into her close circle. That’s ridiculous.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP my advice would be to step back from
this stuff and let your husband choose how to handle telling his ex and older children.

These situations can spiral and, if you don’t set some boundaries around where the responsibility lies, it can take over your entire pregnancy and leave you unsupported. Concentrate on your pregnancy. Agree some basic boundaries for sharing information about the pregnancy with your husband (e.g. after the 20 week scan) and then let him decide how he is going to play this.

Don’t take on the mental load or the responsibility for figuring this stuff out. It becomes all too easy for you to become the scapegoat if things don’t go right.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:02

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/05/2023 07:41

Leaving a 7 and 9 year old to tell their mum this news is truly awful behaviour. What are you and their father thinking? Their mother may not be in your ‘close circle’ but she is the most important person on the planet to your step children and the one that will actually be parenting them through the emotional rollercoaster of their largely absent father creating a new family. And he doesn’t think she’s worthy of a quick heads up? Instead he places the burden of sharing that adult news and probably visibly shocking the mother on his young children?! That’s really grim. What kind of dad does that to small kids?

And why does your DH live so far from his children and barely participate in their parenting? Even if it was the ex that moved away (was it?) a parent who actually wants to be part of their kids’ lives can stop that through legal channels. There’s always an excuse as to why the bloke has to live 300+ miles from his kids but I’ve never read one that actually stands up.

When you actually have your own child and have experienced parenting I suspect you will look back in shame at how you handled this situation. If you have any desire to make a blended family situation work then you need to make the co parent part of your ‘close circle’ pronto.

Are you kidding? SM doesn't have to have anything to do with mum. No need for her to even be anywhere near her circle.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:04

ZekeZeke · 22/05/2023 07:54

If you are planning on sharing your news via social media, you should absolutely let his ex know first. She/the children shouldn't find out via social media. They should hear this news from their father.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I was assuming OP wouldn't post on social media. But just in case OP the order for telling should go like this imo:

  1. Your Stepchildren.
  2. Shortly after - a text to their mother.
  3. Anyone else Inc social media.

You can of course tell others before your Stepchildren as long as their paths are never going to cross with the DSC or mention it on social media.

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:12

OP isn’t asking for family planning advice. Which is good as it’s too late, so people’s thoughts re whether or not she should have a baby with her OH are pretty irrelevant.

I just let the ex hear it on the grapevine OP. DSS told her I think. It was when I couldn’t hide it anymore. You will know when it feels right.

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:13

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:04

I was assuming OP wouldn't post on social media. But just in case OP the order for telling should go like this imo:

  1. Your Stepchildren.
  2. Shortly after - a text to their mother.
  3. Anyone else Inc social media.

You can of course tell others before your Stepchildren as long as their paths are never going to cross with the DSC or mention it on social media.

Show quote history

“Anyone especially?”

OP’s own family, friends etc should come second to the ex? Whatever.

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2023 08:15

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:00

She doesnt need input. He is their parent he should know them

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Unlikely that he knows them well just seeing them once a month. He is not actually a parent.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:15

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:12

OP isn’t asking for family planning advice. Which is good as it’s too late, so people’s thoughts re whether or not she should have a baby with her OH are pretty irrelevant.

I just let the ex hear it on the grapevine OP. DSS told her I think. It was when I couldn’t hide it anymore. You will know when it feels right.

I agree with your first point.

Your second though very much depends on the children and their mum - there was no way we could have put it on the DSC to tell their mum. As it was when DH told her she flipped and sent him loads of messages ranting about maintenance and hopefully mine would be a certain sex otherwise the relationship with his kids would be ruined forever. And I better not use xyz name. And tough if the kids have covid and I'm pregnant they are coming over anyway because it doesn't matter if something happens to the baby as they were there first. It was HORRENDOUS.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:17

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:13

“Anyone especially?”

OP’s own family, friends etc should come second to the ex? Whatever.

Show quote history

You're telling the ex for the kids. I told my family but knew they weren't going to cross paths with the dsc any time soon or put it on social media. What you shouldn't do imo is post a gushing social media announcement before telling the ex

Yousee · 22/05/2023 08:17

Congratulations on your baby OP 💐 I'm baffled as to why PPs are so quick to jump down your throat without knowing the bigger picture about why your DP only sees his kids once a month. Shitty behaviour on their part.
Anyway, we told my DSD about my pregnancy after the first scan the next time we had her and DH dropped his ex a quick text to let her know. It's a basic courtesy to let a parent know about an upcoming huge change in their child's life, it really is.
It meant ex could process her emotions about it (not happy) away from DSD then by the time she had DSD back again she was ready to field any of DSDs that might have come up. In our case, DSD was genuinely so excited and to her credit, ex encouraged that. In your case, with those contact arrangements, things might be more tense so it's not on to just dump and run without letting ex know.
She doesn't need to be "inner circle" but to leave her to find out from the kids is crap.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:18

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2023 08:15

Unlikely that he knows them well just seeing them once a month. He is not actually a parent.

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Yes he is. He will always be their parent.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:19

I'm baffled as to why PPs are so quick to jump down your throat they don't like stepmums having babies. It's weird.

Thea91 · 22/05/2023 08:24

otherwayup · 22/05/2023 08:01

Why on earth are you having a child with a man who doesn't in anyway put his existing children first?
He sees them once a month!!!

This

Carryonkeepinggoing · 22/05/2023 08:26

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:00

She'll know its on his side!

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Well obviously. But she’ll probably view this baby as the children’s ´half sibling’ and Dad and OP with be presenting the baby as a ´brother/sister’ so ´baby brother/sister’ on my side’ is a kinder way of acknowledging that. The exact wording was not my point anyway. Point was: Tell the kids then tell their mum at drop off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2023 08:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you haven’t found these comments too upsetting, you’re not responsible for the contact arrangement between your husband and his ex.

If you’re not showing before 20 weeks then that’s a fine time to tell them. They’re young, that’s half way through your pregnancy and it’ll still feel like plenty of time to go for them. If you start to show before then I’d revise as needed around contact time.

Tell them in person, both of you together and he actually tells them. “We’re having a baby, it’s due in x month” and give them a hug. Ask if they have any questions at the time or down the line and say they can talk about it whenever they like. Be factual, don’t go on about it, be open to their responses.

Both times my DSC have been very happy and they love their little siblings. Best of luck with the pregnancy and telling them.

Emotionalmama · 22/05/2023 08:29

Congrats OP on your pregnancy and apologies for some of the responses on here of people who I can only assume come onto here to attack step parents! Everyone is different and everyone’s situation is different so whatever works for you works for you and your DH. I’m sure you’re both so excited about the pregnancy.

we told DSC about 14 weeks (I’m now 36 weeks) I think it was and we didn’t tell their mother directly. My DH tired to, asked her could they have a conversation and she refused so left it and just told the DSC later on that same day.

we just always talk about the baby in a very positive and exciting way around them and they’re so excited. Any fears they’ve had we’ve made sure they’re eased by being positive. We can’t control what their mother says to them (definitely not positive) but we can control what they hear here and how we make them feel regarding the baby and they’re genuinely excited for it. All you can do is your best.

gogohmm · 22/05/2023 08:31

Seems pretty selfish to have another child when you only see the existing ones once a month! Who moved away? If it was him then it's inexcusable to not make more effort

kirsty2023 · 22/05/2023 08:32

I wouldn't tell the mother is nothing to do with her if she finds out she finds out and as for telling the kids I would book a private scan and take them but I would tell them first hope all goes well congrats 👶

Reugny · 22/05/2023 08:33

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:13

“Anyone especially?”

OP’s own family, friends etc should come second to the ex? Whatever.

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No anyone who is likely to put it on SM or cannot keep their mouths shut if they come across SC shouldn't be told.

Reugny · 22/05/2023 08:33

gogohmm · 22/05/2023 08:31

Seems pretty selfish to have another child when you only see the existing ones once a month! Who moved away? If it was him then it's inexcusable to not make more effort

Are you telling the OP to have an abortion because that's what your post implies.

JustFrustrated · 22/05/2023 08:35

God, OP this thread is awful.

1/. 20 weeks is fine
2/. Do tell the mom
3/. Having your baby is also okay. For some reason Mumsnet hates step moms. As someone who was a step child, I find all of their comments incredibly hyperbolic. Both my parents had new siblings when I was a teenager, I genuinely didn't care. I'm super close to one, and no contact with the other two, but that happened as an adult FFS.