When to tell step kids about new baby

[Tishtun]

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My partner and I were in the same position and decided to tell all the children (I have 1 dd and partner had 2 grown up dd's and 1 ds9) when i was 28 weeks once we were sure everything with the baby was ok.

We thought the right thing to do was to tell partners ex first and then tell the kids. We regret this now as ex decided to tell partners children first and assured them that this baby was not their real sibling and would mean 'Daddy wouldn't be able to spend as much time with them'. It was awful. 3 years on and all the children adore each other but the ex remains very bitter.

This ensures the mother cannot phone/contact the kids first.

Unfortunately some parents are not very nice people when it comes to their kids having half-siblings that aren't related to them.

I agree with this. I would go with telling the children first. This means the ex doesn’t get to tell them herself, especially if she might present it to them as a negative if she’s that way inclined.

If I was having another baby, I wouldn’t want my ex telling my children my news. I would be telling my children first and him second. And it would be kept very short and unapologetic, which is exactly how it should be put across to the ex in OP’s case. OP shouldn’t feel apologetic or guilty for being pregnant.

The double standards here is crazy. Imagine the mother seeing her her children once a month decided to have another baby with her new partner and living so far away. That can be extremely damaging to the existing children. No one is putting the boot in with op but addressing the fact two children have been let down by their father and it might not be a happy occassion but a stark reminder that their father has moved on and they get the crumbs once a month.

I think most people would tell their family and their friends first.

It’s not her responsibility to manage her husband’s ex’s feelings about her pregnancy in any way. And it’s his responsibility to manage his children’s feelings about it. And to inform his ex of changes that affect their shared children. But he also doesn’t have to worry about how his ex feels about it. It’s not really relevant whether the ex is upset or whatever.

It’s interesting how the assumption is that he must have more or less abandoned his children. The possibility that the ex may have moved away (against his wishes) doesn’t seem to occur to the posters determined to hold the OP’s responsible for everything.

Wow this thread was a nasty read - glad some of the sensible posters have commented to act as a counter balance to MN weirdness over sm having a baby.
Love the thinly veil digs at op for her DH apparent failings (when there is nothing in the op to suggest who moved away from who)

Op congratulations on your pregnancy !!
So I have a fairly pickled background re baby loss and with my DS we didn't tell anyone until 24 weeks, and we told mum before hand..this was because on 20 weeks some issues were flagged and it wasn't certain if DS was going to make it and I had to go through battery of tests.

I didn't want to have to tell DSC about the pregnancy if it wasn't going to end well (that happened in the past as she was v upset) but my DSC knew when everything was semi ok (baby was viable bar some fairly serious health conditions which were fixed after his birth). She was thrilled. Mum less so.

If this post hasn't already flagged to you. Some people get weird around this, imo less the children more the adults. We have a fairly good relationship with my DSC mum but my pregnancy did prompt some fairly interesting comments...

Putting it very matter of factly - tell people when you feel it's right, firm boundaries with mum are a good shout, as it telling them DSC when they are with you and texting mum so she can react in private.

Also this board is haunted by people who aren't step mums and often like to come and suggest there's a handbook for blended families- but shock horror no Amazon link has been provided so far.

So take the "advice" with a health dose of salt.

We have zero information of why contact is the way it is.

Mum could have moved away ?

Using words like crumbs and emotive language with zero actual information on the set up is unkind and sticking the boot in.

The assumption that the DSC will be upset is also speculation, the assumption that mum may have feelings on it (based on this post alone) is less so.

The only "fact" we have is that they live 350 miles away. We don't know why, whose decision, how long for, whether there is a longer term plan to move closer, what any court orders may have said etc etc etc.
Given how little we know, the posters jumping up and down to let OP know they think her baby shouldn't exist should be ashamed of themselves.
Actually, now the baby exists how much we know or don't know is neither here nor there and they have as much right to exist as the elder children.

op you came to the wrong place to get advice on this, in mumsnet world this will never go down well.

I’ll get major hate for this but… you don’t need to tell the mother, it’s your business, you, or your dh dont owe her that. You tell the kids when you’re ready and they will tell their mum who actually has no say and isn’t entitled to any opinion at all. Just involve the kids as much as you can, hype up that they will have a younger sibling ect… they will be absolutely fine. Congratulations.

if you listen to mumsnet then you’re not allowed to move on when step kids are involved, they must always come first and you can’t do anything untill they are adults and have moved out. And before anyone asks, I am a step mother and I also have kids that have a step mother, I’d never expect my ex to tell me he was having another baby, I’d expect to hear it from the kids. None of my business.

OP which parent chose to move 350 miles away? Did the not-moving parent not go to court to strive to actively parent their kids? I can't understand how this was ever allowed to happen, it's shocking.

Double standards. Ok here’s one for you.

I wonder how many women think their ex husband has more right to know what’s going on in her body than anyone else on the planet.
Before her children, her mum, her best friend. He’ll find out when she wants him to know. And even then it would probably come from the children.

And yet on this thread, apparently the ex should know before everyone else. Nah, sorry. OP’s body, OP’s choice. If she wants her family to know about the pregnancy before some woman she barely knows, then so be it.

What makes one ex more important than the other when it comes to knowing about a woman’s medical information?

This is a good approach. Wait until 20 weeks and then the next time they are with you, tell them. DH tells their mother when they return.

None of these are relevant questions for
the OP are they?

This isn’t her previous relationship. These aren’t her children.

Why are people so determined to find anything to cling on to in a SP thread and use it as a stick to beat the woman who posted with?

And that’s not even tackling the fact that the world just isn’t as simple as these posters would like it to be. All sorts of things might have happened that mean children live 350 miles from one parent and it may be the best outcome. But no. People want up clutch their pearls and get angry on behalf of the children.

What's with all the stories of women choosing to get pregnant by absent fathers. Are some women that desperate? It would put me off if a man only saw his DC once a month.

Don’t read the thread or anything. just jump straight in with the woman-blaming. 🙄

Sorry, but the OP stated they see the children once a month AND school holidays... they live 350 miles away!

My SD lives roughly the same distance, we had to go to court to get a court order around visits etc because her mother was useless (failed mediations etc) and the judge said all school holidays with us, but coming here for a weekend etc wasn't good for SD due to the long distance travelling and now tired it would make her feel on the Monday back at school.

Also, we go down there as much as we can but it also costs a fortune staying in hotels etc so unfortunately we can't do it every bloody week like Mumsnet would like.

People are extremely judgmental on here OP. I'd get off and ask people in your close circle/speak to DH.

To each their own I guess, not everyone is put off by the same things as you 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I read this thread with interest (and horror) as I’m currently pregnant myself and have three DSC’s we haven’t told yet.

We will also NOT be telling the mother. DP’s kids are not little children - she’s also high conflict and controlling. She’ll find a way to make my pregnancy about her and how selfish DP is for moving on.

I can see the benefits of telling your DP’s ex due to the children being quite young. It would be worth letting her know when the kids are with you and you’re telling them. That’s it. You don’t have to give an explanation or an apology, just literally letting her know as an FYI. And then, that’s still up to you if you want to tell her directly at all. You don’t owe her anything - some of the commenters on here are sadly posting without resolving their own trauma. Just ignore.

Its entirely up to you when you feel ready to share the news with the children. I’m personally waiting until I’m 20 weeks due to past MC - I also feel that knowing the gender will help make it more weird and less alien.

Not too sure reading the thread will further enlighten that poster, given no more information has been provided, only speculation from everyone who’s posted.

I asked 2 or 3 posts in if there was any reason for the big distance from the kids (i.e. no assumptions about who made that choice).

I’m sure if it were the ex-wife who’d moved 350 miles away, the OP would have very much (originally, or come back to the thread to) made that point. But no, surprisingly silent on that.

Yes OP your child is just as important as the other children. Please enjoy your child xxxx

I think a text while the kids are still with the DH is best if there's a chance mum might need time to calm down!

I do also think if maintenance is likely to be reduced once baby has arrived then it is polite to give notice of this. So I would follow up with anothrer text about 2 months before baby is due saying saying I have recalculated maintenance and once baby is here payments will be £xyz.

Yep, well said!

@SargentSagittarius I’m sure if it were the ex-wife who’d moved 350 miles away, the OP would have very much (originally, or come back to the thread to) made that point. But no, surprisingly silent on that.

Op hasn't avoid your comments she's only made the one post. Has probably seen some of the really nasty posts and thought no thank you**

Contrary to popular belief I assume op wasn't focused on painting the ex wife in any narrative but posting for advice on how to help her family adjust (which includes the DSC but doesn't include mum)

I doubt the op gave the ex wife much thought when writing this tbh. As it should be frankly.

It is posters like you who have tried to turn a post on asking for advice how navigate welcoming new baby into the family, into something about about OPs distance from the DSC.

And it speaks more of the posters who have done this to give op a good kicking.

It's like people literally want to pick on anything to put the boot in, to a pregnant women... as I said it speaks more to those posters than it does op.

Btw my Dd has a sm and I would be mum in this situation. I think the comments have been beyond fucking cruel. And there's no justification in my book