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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell step kids about new baby

202 replies

Tishtun · 21/05/2023 21:44

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

OP posts:
marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 06:25

Tishtun · 22/05/2023 22:37

I read through some of the responses. I'm baffled We don't need to tell the ex as the decision to have a baby is not her concern nor something she has influence over. Surly a child can come out with anything to its mum at anytime . Shes an adult and im not going to manage her emotional responses to her children. Thats for her to do.

We don't owe her an explanation or a heads up. It's none of her business and the same her end with whatever she chooses to do with her life.

I understand this point of view. I feel you need to look at it from the DSCs point of view. They may be worried about telling mum. They may think they have to keep it secret for fear of her reaction. They might be absolutely fine and go charging in with glee when they see her next - in which case fine. But they might be nervous, worried, unsure. You yourself are unsure about telling the DSC, they might have all sorts of concerns about being the ones to tell their mum.

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 06:34

It's the same as with any other significant life changing news - moving house, death of a family member. It is best to tell the kids and then text mum. Or if contact is that bad write it in a note and pass it to her at handover. The point isn't to inform her so she knows it's to inform her so the children don't have to.

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 06:44

You can't expect the kids to pass on the news. Children with separated parents need to believe that the adults in their lives are working together and communicate respectfully with each other. If the DC think that their dad doesn't respect their mum enough to share this sort of information and discuss a plan for supporting them what are they learning? What is this saying to them? I think you need to wake up and start thinking of the children in this situation.

MeridianB · 23/05/2023 06:48

The children may also have feelings of wanting to protect their mum and not upset her, so may not want to tell her themselves. The good advice on here is all aimed at doing the right thing for the children.

Dogsandbabies · 23/05/2023 07:07

Some of these responses are crazy!

My ex had a child a few years after we separated. He told my daughter and she told me. Who cares? How is it any of my business? My daughter was happy to have a little sibling and I encouraged that. He went on to have two. They told her at 12 weeks both times.

When I had more children subsequently she was also the one who told my ex and his family.

Do what feels right for you. Try and include them in the journey a bit so they feel included. It's exciting having a new baby brother or sister. My daughter is adored by all her siblings.

lifehappens12 · 23/05/2023 07:09

Hi, I am a step mum here. We told my partners ex first and she was hugely supportive. I think this is right thing to do.

The children live with there mum and will have questions etc. my step daughter was 5 so we waited till I was about 6 months pregnant so she didn't have to wait to long.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 08:04

@SargentSagittarius ok so the ex moved.

I'm assuming then by your rules that's a red flag for mum ? Life and shit happens and frankly it's not a red flag iMO for mum or dad.

Op that said it's probably a good idea to tell mum. She shouldn't be top of the list but a quick text after telling the kids, after the 20 week mark is probably a wise move (baring any type of abuse via mum which would discount this).

How has this thread that op specifically mentioned wanting to help DSC re pregnancy turned into a lot of managing mums feelings ? Sure she should know to help the children, but that's literally it.

I don't think OPs comments re mum are "telling" of anything other than mum isn't OPs top priority. Which is fine she was asking about the children who are the focus. If the relationship isn't great between mum and op I can imagine op is being cautious. Especially if mum may not act in a healthy way for the children. Which sadly does happen. Many act in what's best for the DSC her Dc (I hope I would)
but some will not.

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/05/2023 08:14

TeenLifeMum · 22/05/2023 23:13

A once a month dad? Wow, what a prince. When you have your dc try imagining one seeing him/her once a month and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

Did you read the update? The mother moved so not really the dad's choice on how often he gets to see them if she took them that far. What's he supposed to do, follow his ex around the rest of his life?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/05/2023 08:28

Since when did having a sibling become so fraught? You tell them whenever you feel is right, personally i would have done it after 12 week scan but it is totally up to you. I would also probably message the mum while you had the kids to give her a heads up but again, that is up to you. This is the problem you will face as a stepmother though @Tishtun for some reason others think they have a say in how you do things. They don't. Just remember that. Start with the boundaries now. This is YOUR child and you do as you see fit. Good luck and congratulations 💐

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2023 08:38

Tishtun · 22/05/2023 22:37

I read through some of the responses. I'm baffled We don't need to tell the ex as the decision to have a baby is not her concern nor something she has influence over. Surly a child can come out with anything to its mum at anytime . Shes an adult and im not going to manage her emotional responses to her children. Thats for her to do.

We don't owe her an explanation or a heads up. It's none of her business and the same her end with whatever she chooses to do with her life.

It's for your sake and the kids OP. If they tell her and she has a negative response in the moment, it could turn them against the idea and cause no end of issues. Telling her yourself when they aren't there reduces the chance of that happening.

NotmykingEatCake · 23/05/2023 08:41

Don't give your job and become financially dependent on a man who can only be arsed to see his children once a month.

sunshineonly · 23/05/2023 08:42

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/05/2023 04:15

Ffs, why didn’t your DH prioritise seeing his existing children more than once a month before having another one 🙄 he sounds an absolute catch!

This is probably going to be very hard for his kids to be honest, so you absolutely need to tell their mum so she can support them while they process any difficult feelings and it’s best all round if you do that sooner rather than later.

Wow that’s hugely judgemental without knowing the full circumstances of their arranges. You have no idea whether her partner works shifts, can drive or whether the distance between them was created by his ex
partner who may have moved away. He may have financial reasons for only seeing the children once a month. It’s not like he doesn’t have contact with the children other than that visit. Wind your neck in little miss perfect parent.

SlippySarah · 23/05/2023 08:51

If I were the OPs DP and my ex moved 350 miles away I would take her to court to get residency. I wouldn't "follow her around for the rest of my life" but I sure as hell wouldn't take it lying down and accept seeing my children once a month.

AWhaleSwamBy · 23/05/2023 08:51

I don't think posters are suggesting you tell the Mum for her benefit. It's for the benefit of the kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️

monsteramunch · 23/05/2023 08:51

I understand this point of view. I feel you need to look at it from the DSCs point of view. They may be worried about telling mum. They may think they have to keep it secret for fear of her reaction. They might be absolutely fine and go charging in with glee when they see her next - in which case fine. But they might be nervous, worried, unsure. You yourself are unsure about telling the DSC, they might have all sorts of concerns about being the ones to tell their mum.

And just to add to this OP, you and your partner are grown adults who have each other to talk to about this and the benefit of time to think / talk / plan and you're still unsure how when and how is best to tell people (them and her) this news.

And you're expecting a seven and nine year old to work out how to tell someone this news themselves. To navigate that themselves.

It's so unfair on them and not in their best interests. Would you want your own child put in a position where due to their age they are out of their depth? I assume not. They shouldn't be put in that position either.

pompypomppomp · 23/05/2023 08:54

This reply has been deleted

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marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 08:54

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/05/2023 08:28

Since when did having a sibling become so fraught? You tell them whenever you feel is right, personally i would have done it after 12 week scan but it is totally up to you. I would also probably message the mum while you had the kids to give her a heads up but again, that is up to you. This is the problem you will face as a stepmother though @Tishtun for some reason others think they have a say in how you do things. They don't. Just remember that. Start with the boundaries now. This is YOUR child and you do as you see fit. Good luck and congratulations 💐

I mean OP asked for advice on telling the DSC if she hadn't asked I wouldn't have commented on it

WatermelonFelon · 23/05/2023 09:18

I can understand, given that you are the one who's pregnant and she's not your ex, that your initial reaction is that it's none of her business but I would tell her. I don't think you need to tell her first, but you could tell the kids and then let her know before you drop them home.

I agree with this too

when you only see your DCS twice per month there is eff all you can do to help them process their emotions

I know you say you'll respond with love and care or whatever to however the react but with all due respect what can your husband really do in terms of support from 350 miles away? He sees them once a month. If they are feeling any kind of way about this then obviously, in reality, it's going to be her supporting them through it not you and your husband. She's the one there with them day to day.

And I say this as someone who was extremely pissed off when her husband's ex acted affronted that she wasn't informed about a miscarriage I had which the children didn't even know about! Now that really was none of her business!

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/05/2023 09:24

So the ex moved away. Not your dh

Sure he misses them more but as someone else said it's not possible to uproot jobs and home and move

Esp as ex might do that again

You do need to tell the ex tho tho she knows why if kids upset or mention it further down the line

But tell the kids first before telling ex

Yousee · 23/05/2023 10:42

OP, you seem determined to cling to the "wahhh it's not her business, why should I?" No doubt with some added foot stamping and huffing.
It's up to you and your DP of course, what do any of us know about easing the way for young DCs in a blended family? Less than you, obviously.
Have my first ever (I think?) "Poor kids".

TheChoiceIsYours · 23/05/2023 11:19

*No, you’ve misunderstood, it’s not that she isn’t equipped to deal with their emotions. It’s that sometime children can struggle to articulate themselves and/or be very reluctant to actually tell you what’s wrong. Does their dad really want to risk them being upset, and their mum not knowing why? Comforting a child is FAR easier when you know what the problem is. Surely their dad wants their mum to be able to soothe them quickly, and not just blindly trying to guess what’s wrong?

And of course you wouldn’t just leave them upset, but the emotions are likely to be up and down for a while (or at least they were when we announced a new sibling). So they could absolutely be fine when you leave the on Wednesday, but feeling sad/scared/emotional again by Friday. At that point their dad won’t be seeing them for another month. It’s going to be mum supporting them through it. That’ll be virtually impossible if she doesn’t know what’s wrong.*

This x 100. This sort of situation needs approaching with kindness and maturity, something that seems sadly lacking in any of the OP’s statements.

If you’re going to be a step parent you cannot let your own insecurities about your partner having been there and done that with someone else override what is in the children’s best interests. You may wish to believe that your partners ex is totally irrelevant to both your lives but she’s not. She’s the one actually parenting your partner’s children almost 100% of the time and his actions will have a direct effect on her role as their mum. It’s her who will be helping the children navigate this, not him or you because he’s largely absent. If you can’t handle that she has a role to play in a successful co parenting arrangement you’re not ready to be a step parent and it’s only the poor kids that will suffer.

lookluv · 23/05/2023 11:19

Op enjoy your baby

That you think the DM should have nothing to do with this underestimates the input this woman has in her DCs life. She may be negative but she may also be, as I was, positive and change the whole outlook.
The younger one will struggle the most - no longer the baby in the family etc.

To not advise her of this, dates and plans really smacks of a lack of care on the part of your DH and you to the children in your care.

Some of the comments on here are awful and there is no good or bad way to tell the SDCS, they will react as they want to and there is no predictor on what way that will be. They will need support - their DF is not around to do that.

Not knowing all the facts in the relationship between your DH and EX makes it difficult to form an opinion on how she may or may not react - there are so many factors unnknown. Although after the comments on here was not surprised you said she moved - because it would be a brave person who said it was him. People do not up and move 350 miles with out good reason and for many single mothers that is family support because they are not getting it from their EX in rasiing and caring for the DCs, That he has not been to court to get increased access is quite telling.

For your DH this is not just about him, you and the new baby - he ahs 2 DCs who he needs to consider and to be honest if you think that his EX does not need to be told by him in a timely - then the chances of any successful blended family is minimal.

I supported my DCS and put on a positive spin because at the end of the day it was not about me, dickhead Ex and the OW - it was about my DCS and their sibling in the future. Do not understimate how stressful and hard this can be for all parties / it can be straightforward and no issues - but a touch of kindness goes a long way for everyone - you included.

TheChoiceIsYours · 23/05/2023 11:21

People do not up and move 350 miles with out good reason and for many single mothers that is family support because they are not getting it from their EX in rasiing and caring for the DCs, That he has not been to court to get increased access is quite telling.

Indeed.

Hell121 · 23/05/2023 11:38

Christ what a low bar we set for fathers - once a month, no matter whose decision is disgusting - those poor kids. Giving the mum a heads up would be common courtesy in my opinion and something both parents should do for the benefit of the kids. Awful.

monsteramunch · 23/05/2023 13:16

OP, can you imagine if you and him broke up and you moved 350 miles away with the baby (perhaps for family support for example) that he would just say he couldn't or wouldn't relocate so would have to just see your child once a month?

Can you honestly imagine a decent, loving dad conceding to that set up rather than (if unable or unwilling to move) at the very least going through the courts to fight for shared custody and a clear agreement for visitation to ensure he saw his children more than once a month?

I can't.