When to tell step kids about new baby

[Tishtun]

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

Don’t make her children tell her - or worse not mention it to her. They are old enough to worry about her feelings. On the day you tell them, just have DH message her and say ‘FYI, xx is pregnant and we’re telling the kids tonight in case them mention it’

Its worrying that your DH and his Ex can’t effectively communicate important life issues.

We were in a similar situation, my partners children were 7 & 5, their marriage broke down when their youngest was 1. At the time we had our dd we lived closer to them but then moved as they got older, they are now both young adults and live about 100 miles away, dp sees them once a week or so depending on what they are doing. In our situation it was actually the mum who moved on first and she had a child with her partner before we met.
I would say to tell their mum first as they will need her support, it’s a difficult situation to understand and they are still young. They were there first so involving them as much as possible would be ideal, we had such a lovely time together on days out and holidays when they were younger and hopefully they felt (and still feel) like part of our family.

You can’t just up and move because your ex does. What if you uproot yourself miles and miles away from everything you know, get a new job ect and then the ex decides to move again?! If my dps ex was to move 350 miles away with their son he would go to court to try and stop the move though.

“They were there first”I hate it when people say that about step children. Just because they happen to be born first doesn’t make them more bloody important than another child.

Well said

@Daisydu

You can’t just up and move because your ex does. What if you uproot yourself miles and miles away from everything you know, get a new job ect and then the ex decides to move again?! If my dps ex was to move 350 miles away with their son he would go to court to try and stop the move though.

Which is why I specifically said "Can you honestly imagine a decent, loving dad conceding to that set up rather than (if unable or unwilling to move) at the very least going through the courts to fight for shared custody and a clear agreement for visitation to ensure he saw his children more than once a month?"

I mean you're just repeating what I said but wrote it as if you're disagreeing with me...?

No, but many parents (like both of my own, thankfully) don’t go on to have more babies with other people after a divorce because of the impact that there would be on the children who already exist.

No one is going to say that a child who was born last is less important than the older one born into the previous relationship once that new baby is actually born, of course not. Once both children exist then yes, both their well-being matters equally. But many people including me would say that in most cases the best interests of the children from a divorce would be to not have half siblings, and would make their decisions on that basis.

So I do actually believe that an existing child’s best interests should come first (while the new baby is just an idea) and if the best thing for them isn’t to have half siblings then their parent should do right by that child who has already endured their parents splitting up and not throw half siblings into the mix as well. An existing child should absolutely be put before the IDEA of a new half sibling.

@TheChoiceIsYours yes but that ship has sailed. The child is not an idea anymore, they are already on their way. How long is it appropriate to keep talking about how their older siblings should have come first? Until they're born? 5 years old? Indefinitely?

@TheChoiceIsYours

That is a v bonkers statement you just made there.

And it's not one made with the "childrens best interest at heart" (since no one can possibly see the future) it's based on at best assumption) and at worst bias of perspective.

However I suppose for some mums, it's the best outcome because it retains control in her favour.

But the thing is you wouldn't say that about a nuclear family, a child having a sibling. It's just that actually mum or (dad - not in this case obviously) doesn't have a choice in it. And people get aggy about that.

I'm so freaking glad my sister (my your definition "half") exists. She's my best friend and my life is better with her in it.

@TheChoiceIsYours seriously? I can tell you what the impact was when my Dad who had a further child with his new partner was.... the impact was that I have a younger brother who I utterly adore and still adore and I look at him as my brother not a 'half' brother whatsoever. How can you possibly make such a ludicrous statement.

That’s great for you and I’m glad. But I still believe you’re in the minority. No offence meant by my use of the term ‘half’, I was just being factual.

It’s such a lazy and misogynistic cliche that any women who have views like mine are bitter exes who want control of everything. Im not an ex, and I have no skin in the game in that way - my view is based on me knowing that as a child of a divorce I was really quite traumatised by the collapse of my family unit despite it being seemingly amicable. And the knowledge that if I’d had to watch another child have the nuclear family unit with one of my parents, it would have utterly broken my heart. Never mind the million and one other complexities of the situation.

Commenting on the child of a nuclear family having a younger sibling or not is a totally different issue, so it’s completely irrelevant. The sibling that they have or don’t have has the same family unit as them. They’re not having to watch a younger sibling have their parent full time while they miss out on at least 50% of them. That’s what I believe is shit and not in the best interests of most kids.

But sure, let’s revert to dismissing anyone who thinks like this as being a bitter old hag who can’t stand the fact that her ex has moved on with a new woman and is sobbing into her pillow about no longer being the centre of his world 🙄

But by being born subsequently, that does make the step children more important - at least in the eye of the first-born children - because they get to live with both parents, including the Dad who no longer lives with them.

And I’m another one with no skin in the game - I’m an only (not first, second, third, etc) wife to DH, and neither of us have step-children.

@TheChoiceIsYours ah so someone who has no lived experience of a blended family coming along to tell people who are in blended families- that second children shouldn't be born. The joy.

And I'm in the minority based on my lived experience and your in the majority based on ...? Your feelings on a hypothetical situation which didn't occur okie dokie.

"They’re not having to watch a younger sibling have their parent full time while they miss out on at least 50% of them. That’s what I believe is shit and not in the best interests of most kids."

Most kids don't think like this. Adults do though. Also here's the thing, divorce is also bad for the kids mentally speaking, so per phase that should be thought about before it's allowed to happen. Although I guess that's allowed 🙄 and totally different.

That all that said and done, your entitled to your opinion sure it's the internet. But not opinions are equal and here's the rub, most people will take medical advice from someone with lived experience of you know medicine. Not someone who has a feeling on it.

And another thought while I'm here. You may decide not to give your children siblings (if you have any at all) but that decision both now and in the future doesn't just lie with you.

My sister went no contact with some of her family because they held similar viewpoints as you. As she says you reap what you sow...

Also if your still not over your parents divorce I suggest some counselling 💐

Most kids don't think like this. Adults do though.

Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you. You’ve asked them all, have you?

But not opinions are equal and here's the rub, most people will take medical advice from someone with lived experience of you know medicine. Not someone who has a feeling on it.

She does have lived experience of it.

She literally just shared it, and you dismissed it outright as it doesn’t fit with your narrative. You even threw in a deeply insincere ‘get some counselling’, for good measure.

@SargentSagittarius

Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you. You’ve asked them all, have you?

Why would I say that out if interest ?... my Dd as a sm, and if you knew the backstory you probably wouldn't be so quite to jump to see what side I take.

Interesting that my lived experience doesn't matter and can be dismissed as minority and I can't say the word "most" but you and that op can say wide sweeping statements and and not asked if you statical evidence to back what you say

She literally just shared it, and you dismissed it outright as it doesn’t fit with your narrative

She has had no experience of a blended family as she's stated. Quite literally. Unless suddenly she does 🙄 she does have experience of divorce though.

That said it's interesting isn't it because when I said about the counselling because if it still bothers her, then factually she should.

I'm not sure why I'm arguing with people who are trying to say half siblings shouldn't exist because of the first children as it will negatively impact them. I suppose as one of the first children, I take issue with it. And I'm grateful for my siblings.

It must be amazing to some that a child from a first marriage comes along to disagree with you and people are bending over backwards to say oh not you, You don't count 🙄

Yeah fair point sorry. So yeah I agree with you.

OP you need to tell your stepchildrens mother in case they for whatever reason don't feel able to. Text or email is fine, doesn't need to be in person as it's for the sake of her being able to support the children.

Even if she has been a pain in the arse she is going to be the one doing most of the supporting the children through this news if they need it. You won't do yourselves any favours by not telling her.

OP, you and your partner know your stepkids mum, you judge if its appropriate to tell them before the dsc or not. If there's any chance shes going to be difficult, tell the kids first.

In my experience, tell them when you know everything is ok. I told mine about a 2nd pregnancy at 12 weeks and lost the baby a few weeks later so I wish I'd done the same as the first time and told them at 28 weeks, its a tough call and yours to make.

And oh my goodness some of the replies here are crazy. I am the daughter of divorced parents, my Dad remarried and had a son with his new wife who is my brother and like other posters have said, my life is better for having him in it. He is not only uncle to my daughters but god father to my youngest. My partners kids and my dd and the dd we share are a blended family that apparently don't fit the mumsnet mold because we get on brilliantly.

@Daisydu i think people have a right to judge when the feckless parent in question seemingly gives no shits about the current children before bringing another child into the fold. Surely fathers have a duty of care to their first children which from the limited info this particular man doesn’t have. And then to not even have the common decency to give the mother a heads up - well I’m appalled by this thread.

I can't see anything in the op's posts which suggest anyone can assume the father is 'feckless' or gives 'no shits'. You've made that assumption with as you quite rightly say, limited information. You're comments are really unhelpful.

Please tell the Mum first OP. I know you're excited but the DC may not see the news in such a positive light and when Daddy is only there once a month it is Mummy who is picking up the pieces and putting them back together. Remember, there is every chance he may do the same to you and your DC so treat then how you would like you and your DC to be treated.

Hi! Firstly big congratulations on your pregnancy. Step Mum here and also had a baby 15 months ago. Here are my main points going of our experience (been together 12 years):

• I would only tell the children when you feel safe to do so scans etc but I perhaps wanted that reassurance etc because I'm an IVF momma and had miscarriages and 6 years of infertility so having kept all of the upsetting things that happened away from SC I was keen to wait a little to be a bit more sure.
• I would tell the SC when you have an opportunity to spend a bit of time with them eg longer contact than normal. Allows them time to process it, ask any questions etc
• Prepare :) there's lots of lovely age appropriate books for children expecting a sibling and some fab ideas such as buying a gift from the baby for them and various other ideas to bring everyone together
• Mum: how you tell her depends on your individual circumstances. We had a very combative, unpleasant ex so although we told her we informed her a night or two before SC was due to go back to her house so manners wise she had time to process it and wasn't caught off guard with SC telling her on her doorstep. We didn't feel it appropriate to tell her in advance due to the likelihood of her getting into SC head with 'Daddy has a new family now / there'll be no time for you / the baby will cry and keep you awake etc

She did all of the above but the impact is limited when they've had that opportunity to hear about the baby and discuss it in the way you'd expect if the family was split up and combative.

• School: let school know. They can spot any changes in mood and be aware as often they do topics that cover family, spring/life cycles etc so they can help with any questions children have and make it a positive experience.

Most of all enjoy your pregnancy and the build up to meeting your little one. There will be those who make you feel not entitled to have this experience merely due to the existing of the first family. A lot of hand wringing goes along side SC... some warranted and some with an agenda. You deserve to become a Mama and being a stepmum AND wanting this also does not make you selfish. Best of luck xxxx

I can’t believe some of the responses on this thread. My own husband had his children torn away from him when mum decided to move 200 miles away. He used to see them EOW and half of the hols. Now he sees them once a month and half of the hols (they’re older now).

He himself has now come to terms with the fact he’s “not a parent” to his children, as so many women here would say. It’s been incredibly difficult for him and he has been to counselling to try to manage the feelings of hopelessness and loss.

Since mum left, SS have been involved various times at her home. Violence, cocaine abuse, alcoholism. The kids have to stay with her though, because she’s mum. SS will try everything they can to keep them with her. My husband feels so much guilt for how their lives turned out.

To me it seems terribly sad. But, of course, he is a man, so he deserved it.

I had children with him too. I think he’s a wonderful husband and father and I’ve never seen him put himself before his children. But, of course, I’m a selfish second wife, so what do I know? Wish I could be more like his first wife. She’s so perfect.

@PeeAche2 people get really weird around this. I can't believe some of the comments on here. It's like the facts don't matter 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Please to hear all went well with you and bubbla ❤️❤️

Hey Candles! Nice to see you again. I don’t bother with this side of the board so much these days. Always hurts to read all about how women like me are awful sub-humans. 😂

My baby is a healthy, feisty SPEEDY toddler now. Keeping me on my wicked toes.

My step children are both at secondary school now. Time is going so fast! Hope you’re well.xx