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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell step kids about new baby

202 replies

Tishtun · 21/05/2023 21:44

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

OP posts:
Bafflingpineapplecow · 22/05/2023 08:36

Hey OP, from someone who has been there, ignore people projecting their fears onto your situation. I thought our SDC would be devastated, they weren't. They were delighted. It depends completely on the relationship they have with you two and what you do to reassure them. We also didn't tell mum first because the kids were the priority. Any small wobbles (will we need to share a room?) Were addressed by Dad, not by mum, as it should be. Practical advice, wait until the magic 12 weeks has passed to lower the risk of anything happening to the baby. And PS: congratulations! It's an exciting time and everyone saying blah blah selfish, baby is there now, completely unproductive advice and just sticking the boot in. Don't know what people want you to do there, timetravel? 😅

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2023 08:37

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:18

Yes he is. He will always be their parent.

Show quote history

In name only. Parenting is more than donating some cells and occasional meetings. You cannot parent properly with such paltry time with your children. The children are being raised by their mother.

Tipsylizard · 22/05/2023 08:38

My Sk's were 12 and 13 and we told them at 20 weeks, mainly because I had previously had many miscarriages so wanted to make sure this baby was likely to stick around.

We told their mum first, which I think is the respectful thing to do and allowed her time to work through her feelings on the matter before we told the kids. Although DH and his ex had a good relationship and always prioritised their kids wellbeing over any disagreements they may have had. We also had the SK every other weekend and every Wednesday (although we are closer to the school bus stop so they often came here on the way home too to raid the biscuit tin) so we saw them a lot.

My advice is to let your SK's time to.process and to work through any negative feelings they may have. They will need a lot of reassurance that the new baby will not detract from how their Dad loves them. I would also involve them as best you can in every stage and be prepared to have to compromise on your way of doing things to accommodate their thoughts on the matter. Eg. Dad spends more one on one time with Sk's without you and your new baby. Given you are further away this might take even more work.

We are 10 years down the line and another child has been added to the brood. They all have an amazing relationship but it took a lot of hard work. Totally worth it though.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 22/05/2023 08:41

Tishtun · 21/05/2023 21:44

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

Mistake OP. Don't ask Mumsnet for help about being an SM.

I hear you, 20 weeks is fine. Assume mother moved away but let's not let that get in the way of what an awful dad your OH is 🙄

Best of luck in your pregnancy and I'm sure the kids will be thrilled with their new sibling. You are entitled to your own children, most the women here are projecting.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 08:41

There's never any balance on these threads. Your DSC could react any number of ways, some might be devastated, others would be thrilled.

We told DSC after the 12 week scan when we were telling people generally I think (don't remember precisely) but 20 weeks is fine too if you have concerns - the remaining 20 weeks is still a long time.

Your DH should text mum while kids are with you so if she does have a negative reaction, it's less likely to be in front of the kids.

But my advice would be not for you to worry about this too much. Your pregnancy is a wonderful, exciting thing for you. Let their dad worry about all this.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:43

Snugglemonkey · 22/05/2023 08:37

In name only. Parenting is more than donating some cells and occasional meetings. You cannot parent properly with such paltry time with your children. The children are being raised by their mother.

Show quote history

That is really insulting to those in the military or oil rig workers or anyone else who has to take a long time away from home for work.

Reugny · 22/05/2023 08:44

Congrats!

We spoke to one of the midwives I saw about telling SC.

She said if children are 7 and under then you should wait to after 20 week scan only because a month is a long time period for infant school aged child and under. So 5 months is a very long time.

So DP told his DC after this and then DC mother before SC was dropped off.

Anyway SC was delighted until they spoke to their mother. They then repeated the racist and other comments e.g. you are being replaced their mother made back to us. We then just reassured SC.

Once DD was born SC was in love and they get on like a house on fire, even though DD can be a pain.

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 22/05/2023 08:46

otherwayup · 22/05/2023 08:01

Why on earth are you having a child with a man who doesn't in anyway put his existing children first?
He sees them once a month!!!

Why on earth did his ex have TWO children with such a terrible arsehat. I love how you mothers take no responsibility for who you procreated with in the first place.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/05/2023 08:49

Wow. A lot of horrible comments

Yes seeing once a month isn't a lot but none of us know why the dad doesn't see then more due to distance

Who moved away

Any chance can move closer to them if you/he moved away

Congrats op. It's an exciting time for you as your first baby.

You need to let ex know so she can prepare herself and kids

Unless you are showing I would tell them at 20w as preg is a long time to kids

So I would tell them in person and then dad to send a text to ex telling her

otherwayup · 22/05/2023 08:51

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard
Realistically the ex probably had zero idea he was going to end up a useless, hands off father?

The beauty of being the second wife/partner, is that you can already see what kind of parent you are potentially getting before you decide to have a baby!

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 09:09

As I sit with my two wonderful DC MN would have told me shouldn't have existed had I posted when I was pregnant with them, I recognise how sad it is that OP is out there, thrilled about the child she's growing in her body, and having to read these comments. Your child exists now, it's already happened, and they are not just an inconvenience to their older siblings. They are just as important and special - don't let this thread dampen your excitement.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 09:11

otherwayup · 22/05/2023 08:51

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard
Realistically the ex probably had zero idea he was going to end up a useless, hands off father?

The beauty of being the second wife/partner, is that you can already see what kind of parent you are potentially getting before you decide to have a baby!

Yes but she had two children. Once she had the first one she would have had an idea what kind of father he would be.

And before she had her first, she would have at least known a bit about him? About his character?

If we’re going to rip in to women for having their babies then let’s include the ex wife too.

MollyRover · 22/05/2023 09:11

Wait until children are with you, tell their mother, then tell children. Do not leave it up to the children to tell their mother, that's not fair and is a recipe for disaster. Give her a chance to have her first reaction away from the children, but prepare her for their reaction too, she's their parent so would benefit from a heads up.

boomboom109283 · 22/05/2023 09:13

Obviously you need to tell the mother before the kids - you may feel that she is not in 'your close circle' but she is the mother of your child's siblings. I can't believe you don't see why that it matters that she is told.

Reugny · 22/05/2023 09:13

MollyRover · 22/05/2023 09:11

Wait until children are with you, tell their mother, then tell children. Do not leave it up to the children to tell their mother, that's not fair and is a recipe for disaster. Give her a chance to have her first reaction away from the children, but prepare her for their reaction too, she's their parent so would benefit from a heads up.

No!

The children need to be told first.

The OP's child will not be related to her husband's ex wife but is related to his other children.

So she can be told before the children are dropped back with her.

Reugny · 22/05/2023 09:15

boomboom109283 · 22/05/2023 09:13

Obviously you need to tell the mother before the kids - you may feel that she is not in 'your close circle' but she is the mother of your child's siblings. I can't believe you don't see why that it matters that she is told.

No yet again.

As long as the mother is told before the children are dropped back with her so the children don't need to tell her due to her age, then the children can be told first.

MollyRover · 22/05/2023 09:18

@Reugny they would basically be told at the same time, what's the issue? As long as the mother can react in private and it's not left up to 2 quite small children to tell her.

monsteramunch · 22/05/2023 09:20

@Reugny

The children need to be told first.

Why do the "need to be told first" specifically? If the mum is told before or after the kids, while the kids are at their dads, what's the difference?

monsteramunch · 22/05/2023 09:20

MollyRover · 22/05/2023 09:18

@Reugny they would basically be told at the same time, what's the issue? As long as the mother can react in private and it's not left up to 2 quite small children to tell her.

Completely agree.

viques · 22/05/2023 09:21

RedRosette2023 · 22/05/2023 08:13

“Anyone especially?”

OP’s own family, friends etc should come second to the ex? Whatever.

Show quote history

Yes, because she needs to know before the children come home from the “dad has something to say it’s exciting news” telling the kids visit. It doesn’t have to be a huge announcement to her, just the basic details from the OPs DH, , pregnant, due date. You want her on side, not feeling angry because she has heard third hand via Facebook or a gossipy relative.

As soon as she has been told then the OP can let loose with telling everyone else, but the important people to tell are the kids and the ex because they are the ones who are going to deal with it.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 09:23

As a pregnant woman I would be telling my loving parents before anyone else. Yes that includes his ex and his children. The pregnant woman can tell whoever she likes, especially if those people are her support network. It’s her body and it’s her baby.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 09:24

As soon as she has been told then the OP can let loose with telling everyone else, but the important people to tell are the kids and the ex because they are the ones who are going to deal with it.

My family and DPs parents knew long before DSC or his mum. As long as they're not going to tell them this is absolutely reasonable.

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2023 09:24

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2023 09:23

As a pregnant woman I would be telling my loving parents before anyone else. Yes that includes his ex and his children. The pregnant woman can tell whoever she likes, especially if those people are her support network. It’s her body and it’s her baby.

Agreed.

Pickledmeg · 22/05/2023 09:26

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

Your DH should definitely tell his ex (whenever you feel comfortable but before the children know), he should at least respect her that much as she's the one who will be supporting their children through this. Honestly he should be taking the reins on this, confirming at what point you'll be happy for anyone to know but not leaving you to be figuring out how to tell his children or whatever. There's every chance they'll be fine as they don't see him much anyway, similarly they might take it badly; that shouldn't damper your excitement and happiness but it's something he should be prepared to deal with, not for you to stress about.

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/05/2023 09:31

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 08:02

Are you kidding? SM doesn't have to have anything to do with mum. No need for her to even be anywhere near her circle.

Show quote history

I actually meant ‘your’ as in hers and his. As a couple. Given that she’s the one posting on MN asking for advice about the situation I think it’s fair to say she sees herself as involved to at least some degree?