Page 12 | Grand parents rejecting step children

Tiredtiredtired100 · 2023-03-26T13:10:14+00:00

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit? my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future). For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast. I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit? I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2023 20:24

Tiredtiredtired100 · 06/04/2023 20:10

I don’t want to see my mother right now because I’m hurt and upset and she doesn’t even think that justifies an explanation on her part.

to those saying I’m choosing my DP over my son, I am not. My parents are the ones who are trying to make things difficult when actually I don’t think it’s difficult for me to continue to see them regularly and that may only occasionally involve bringing one or more of my step children if they want to come.

My DS is incredibly happy and loved endlessly by me. That is without doubt.

Obviously I can’t prove to people on mumsnet that my DP is a good choice but he is by far and away the best man I have ever met. He is unfaltering in his commitment to his kids, my son and me and makes all of our lives better by being in them.

Perhaps my parents are snobs, perhaps they despise him, perhaps they’re just jealous that my world doesn’t revolve around them. I really don’t know because they won’t actually talk to me. As their daughter I think I deserve that.

I think you're right to feel upset that she won't offer you an explanation when they know you're hurt. They should explain their reasons.

But I still can't help but find it odd that you're so determined to insist they have the children round when you know they don't want them there. Surely, after talking it through, the obvious thing is to just not see them at those times? Why would you want your SC to be somewhere where their hosts don't really want them, and to force your parents to host someone you know they don't want to?

Original poster

Tiredtiredtired100 · 06/04/2023 20:47

@aSofaNearYou i don’t want my step children to go around there now. The first thing I said to my mother was that it’s their house, their right to say no and I won’t ask again. I do respect that, just not the mean spiritedness of that decision when their house is open to everyone else and their kids. Honestly though I don’t want to put any children in a situation where they are unwanted and may feel awkward/tense, that’s just unnecessary.

OP posts:

jemimapuddlepluck · 06/04/2023 21:02

I reckon they feel sorry for your son going from an only child to having 2 step siblings and a baby on the way. It is a big change for him. Can you reassure them about that?
I would demand answers because it would be a damn shame to fall out with your previously very supportive parents. Write them a letter, pour your heart out and post it through their letterbox. There must be a reason and i would get to the bottom if it.

hourbyhour101 · 06/04/2023 23:17

Avoided this thread because I'm really split on it tbh.

I think your parents may just want to see their DGC one on one before baby arrives.

I think your owed a explanation, but I wonder the reason why they won't give you one is because they think you will take offence or argue or not really hear what they are saying. Maybe they don't like the step childrens behaviour, maybe they are weird about stepping on toes of the other family, maybe they just feel awkward and don't know what to do in the situation.

I wouldn't want to bring around any child to my parents home if I knew they would be unwelcome. That's unfair on the kids imo.

GetOffMeLawn · 06/04/2023 23:22

I think your owed a explanation, but I wonder the reason why they won't give you one is because they think you will take offence or argue or not really hear what they are saying. Maybe they don't like the step childrens behaviour, maybe they are weird about stepping on toes of the other family, maybe they just feel awkward and don't know what to do in the situation.

This is what I think tbh. There will be an explanation. It just sounds like they don't want to give it because they know OP won't be happy about it. Maybe they genuinely just don't want a relationship with them? Maybe they are worried requests will start becoming more and more frequent and they don't want to be in a position of having to put a stop to it at a later date if it gets too much? Maybe they don't like the kids behaviour? I don't know but there will be a reason. Personally it just wouldn't really bother me if my parents weren't that interested in my husband's children, I don't think they need to be.

ladykale · 06/04/2023 23:54

Are you married?? If not, they're not your step kids and no I wouldn't have a relationship with my daughter's boyfriend's kids. Once married, yes maybe

BeatriceFranklin · 07/04/2023 11:44

Tiredtiredtired100 · 05/04/2023 23:12

@GetOffMeLawn this I would be 100% happy with and is actually what I expect, it’s the flat refusal to have any contact at all with my SC and to bar them from their house that seems so mean. As others have said it makes their disapproval of my whole relationship clear.

as an update I have nothing. I told my mum how I felt and the response was that she didn’t know what to say. I have had nothing since except a message asking if I was coming round this week, to which I responded explaining that I was still hurt and upset but was happy to drop DS off if she wanted to see him. There has been no response. I think my parents are just waiting for me to give in or apologise and at the very least I deserve a proper conversation about why they are acting the way they are and quite frankly I want an apology, though it’s not looking like I will get one.

I wouldn’t have responded to a message like that either. You can’t force your parents to have a relationship with your partners children. I think you’re being very unreasonable towards your parents, and acting like a spoiled brat because you’re not getting what you want. They’ve been there for you and your child while you were a single parent. No doubt they’ve supported you and from what you’ve said they have a very close relationship with their grandson. I’d love you hear your parents side of this.

sunglassesonthetable · 07/04/2023 13:46

Tbh I think 'relationship' is overstating OPs expectations. It's literally allowing them into the house whilst OP calls over.

If I was your parents OP I would be so proud of the way you are handling your new blended family. You and your new partner have clearly done something right as the kids adore each other and so I'm sure they will all adore their new half sibling. You are to be congratulated.

From reading on here it doesn't always happen.

You only seem to want the best. It's such a shame your parents can't see that.

Original poster

Tiredtiredtired100 · 07/04/2023 21:19

@sunglassesonthetable thank you. I think a lot of credit has to be given to the kids themselves who have always been kind, welcoming and were very quick to make the best of friends (with no forcing of this on our part at all). I actually feel very lucky to have my step kids in mine and my son’s life.

OP posts:

sunglassesonthetable · 07/04/2023 22:14

thank you. I think a lot of credit has to be given to the kids themselves who have always been kind, welcoming and were very quick to make the best of friends (with no forcing of this on our part at all). I actually feel very lucky to have my step kids in mine and my son’s life.

You sound like such a lovely family. I wish you all the best.

I'm sorry I have no practical advice.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 07:20

Tbh I think 'relationship' is overstating OPs expectations. It's literally allowing them into the house whilst OP calls over.

No one has to invite anyone into their home if they don't want to. It's not like they've been turned away at the door. The children don't even know. OP has just been privately asked not to bring them over. I think it's just been made into a bigger deal than necessary. It shouldn't be that hard to just visit when they aren't there.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:00

No one has to invite anyone into their home if they don't want to.

Of course not. Their home. Their prerogative.

They can feel to let friends DC visit and not their daughter's DC as they have done.

But don't expect their daughter not to have feelings. It's called consequences.

SleekMamma · 08/04/2023 08:02

I think you should tell your parents that it is more hurtful to not know their reasons than them saying no reason. They do have reasons and you want to know. But they don't want to tell you and they don't have to tell you.

Very difficult.

I think it's because they see no link to these children.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:05

They can feel to let friends DC visit and not their daughter's DC as they have done.

They aren't their daughters DC. They are their daughters boyfriends DC. It's entirely different than being their daughters children.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:07

And the consequences are that they only see their daughter during the 50% of the time the DSC aren't there which is fine. I just don't think it needs to cause some massive upset, the children don't even know so aren't hurt.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:09

They aren't their daughters DC. They are their daughters boyfriends DC. It's entirely different than being their daughters children.

My mistake. Daughters Step children. Who she thinks the world of. Soon to be half siblings to her new baby. Or let's put it like this, two very important people in her life. You can split hairs all you like.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:10

And I think the difference with friends children is that they may be thinking that's what? Once in a blue moon for an hour or two?

With their daughters step children is there going to be an expectation now that this will become more and more frequent every time they are with OP or they want to see their grandchild? Are they going to be expected to play big happy families with these children all the time if they open up once or twice?

I can just picture it "well you let them come round this week, why not next week and the one after" etc.. maybe they are just worried about opening the flood gates, unlike their friends children who I imagine aren't around all that often.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:11

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:09

They aren't their daughters DC. They are their daughters boyfriends DC. It's entirely different than being their daughters children.

My mistake. Daughters Step children. Who she thinks the world of. Soon to be half siblings to her new baby. Or let's put it like this, two very important people in her life. You can split hairs all you like.

I wouldn't say it's splitting hairs. It's quite a big difference between them being her children and her boyfriends children, especially so to the parents. The OPs children are their grandchildren, these are children they barely know.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:13

And the consequences are that they only see their daughter during the 50% of the time the DSC aren't there which is fine. I just don't think it needs to cause some massive upset, the children don't even know so aren't hurt.

But even after all the OPs comments you can't see how the OP is hurt?

It's so much more than "50% of time" . It's about denying the existence of her significant relationships.

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:14

I can just picture it "well you let them come round this week, why not next week and the one after" etc.. maybe they are just worried about opening the flood gates, unlike their friends children who I imagine aren't around all that often.

You clearly haven't read the OPs comments.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:14

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:13

And the consequences are that they only see their daughter during the 50% of the time the DSC aren't there which is fine. I just don't think it needs to cause some massive upset, the children don't even know so aren't hurt.

But even after all the OPs comments you can't see how the OP is hurt?

It's so much more than "50% of time" . It's about denying the existence of her significant relationships.

Yes I can. My point is I don't really get why she is.

They aren't denying her relationships, they just don't want to be involved in them which is up to them.

GetOffMeLawn · 08/04/2023 08:16

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:14

I can just picture it "well you let them come round this week, why not next week and the one after" etc.. maybe they are just worried about opening the flood gates, unlike their friends children who I imagine aren't around all that often.

You clearly haven't read the OPs comments.

I have read them I know she says it won't be like that but I can imagine the parents being concerned it will become like that.

If they say yes a few times is OP really going to be happy if they refuse the next because they don't feel like it? Or in reality will she want her parents to think the world of her DSC too and be upset when they don't?

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:19

I wouldn't say it's splitting hairs. It's quite a big difference between them being her children and her boyfriends children, especially so to the parents. The OPs children are their grandchildren, these are children they barely know.

Well they better get used to the idea as they are soon to be half siblings. And I presume they didn't know OPs new partner before they met him. Did they let him through the front door?

sunglassesonthetable · 08/04/2023 08:24

If they say yes a few times is OP really going to be happy if they refuse the next because they don't feel like it? Or in reality will she want her parents to think the world of her DSC too and be upset when they don't?

You better ask the OP. She has clearly stated what her intentions are. Why presume to know better than her?

hourbyhour101 · 08/04/2023 09:33

Oh I just remembered (I think - im v tired) op did you mention they don't like your DP.

Is your DP doing something with the kids they don't like (being overly harsh ect) or is it that if they invite the kids your DP can come too but if they say no DSC then DP has to stay behind.

Could this be about your DP and not your DSC at all ? And because your expecting they don't want to upset you by telling you this ?

Im throwing out ideas (please don't shoot me)