Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

My husband's family are like this with my son. It's why they don't get invited for Christmas ect. It's not asking a lot to make some children feel included a few times a year.

You need to tell them how you feel. If they ask when you're bringing the biological kids over just say clearly that you are looking after all your children, you can't leave the step ones unattended for a couple hours to come for a visit so if they won't let your step kids come over, they're obviously going to see them less! But do be careful, if you back them into a corner accepting them coming over too, it doesn't mean they'll be treated well. If your parents are showering only your son with treats and presents in front of them, it will be highly upsetting.

You may need to accept they won't treat them well and you'll have to deal with it by dropping the contact between your parents and your son, or you're going to have to deal with the fall out of the step kids knowing they're being treated differently.

You and DP only have the SC 50 percent of the time. So you are only a part time step mum to them. You're a full time mum to your DS and new baby.

Can you not see that you parents feel like FT grandparents to your son, and barely connected to your steps? Who don't even regard them as GP's.

Its easy and convenient for your parents to see their own grandson whenever the steps are at their mothers. That means they have a one-to one relationship with him, very different from hosting a group of unrelated children they've barely met.

He perhaps has his own bedroom, toys, habits, little routines or garden den at their house, is very much the centre of their attention while he's there. They maybe feel that he NEEDS and deserves that special feeling after so many changes in his life. Especially that he's going to be one of four in a blended household of six (including a new born and a child with special needs)

I would try and have a conversation with them about what sort of relationship they want with all the children.

And I would make it clear that whatever they choose with regards to step children works both ways - ie if step children can’t come to theirs they can’t come to yours when step children are there. Including birthdays, xmases etc

How old are the step kids?

Because it sounds like they aren’t really interested in your parents either. They just want to play in a big nice house? I can sort of see why your parents aren’t keen. The whole thing sounds … off in some way.

Also three years in with 2 kids, 2 stepkids and not married. I can see why your parents are holding back. Your DP doesn’t sound responsible. I would wonder why he hasn’t proposed.

Have you actually asked them why they're unwilling to consider the kids as part of your family? Using those types of direct words?

You can't change their behaviour but you can change your own. No visits when you have the kids unless you bring the step kids. They can come to you if they want to see him. Same for the new baby. He's all of their siblings so if she wants to meet baby when the SC are there then you all go together or she comes to you.

How would you feel if your partners parents treated your DS like this?
what would you expect your partner to do about?

Would you find it acceptable if his response was basically “as long as my kid is happy, I don’t care if it hurts your kid”?

My parents have 3 blood grandchildren (mine) and 1 step grandchild (my brother's). They have always treated them all the same, which is lovely, but now my brother has separated from his wife and I'm not sure how they feel about it. Is she still their step grandchild? It's a bit awkward.

They're kids ffs..how can you be exclude kids

This affects your relationship, separating your DC with the DSC..a couple hours visit is no big deal..what is wrong with people!

My ex DP was from a Mediterranean culture..ALL kids were welcome anywhere..just rock up with a bunch of people (including kids) in tow and they'd be made very welcome indeed..

Can you not just have a conversation with your parents where you listen and try to understand their thoughts and feelings about this? When/if you are married will that alter how they view the relationship (maybe in their eyes it makes it more permanent?) or do you think they just find it easier to relate to your son only? Can you explain to them how much it would mean to you in a way that they can ‘hear’?

@AllosaurusMum i am not happy about it. I’m really struggling to make a decision about what I should be doing here, hence asking for advice. I can’t see how stopping my DS from having a relationship with the only biological grandparents he has, who he adores and who love him very much will not be harmful to him, but I also don’t want to hurt my DSC. I most certainly don’t think ‘as long as my son is happy, who cares if it hurts yours’, I was in tears over what my mom said today because this is exactly the situation she has put me in.

It’s a tricky situation in some areas e.g. I don’t have kids and have left my blood niece money in my will but not my brother’s step kids who I don’t know very well, but house visiting? Parenting blended families is a logistical nightmare at the most of times - I didn’t have a problem with my brother bringing his step kids to my house at all. I’d echo a previous poster - if they just want to see your children then they’ll have to accept that you are an involved step parent and they will have to see you less or come to yours when it’s convenient for you, and whether the step kids are there or not. 50% of the time it’s their home too.

People are so weird about this on mumsnet, I'm not sure why. But in real life I've never met anyone who's parents haven't accepted their stepchildren as their own.

How exactly did the conversation go? Presumably your mum gave some reason?

I did wonder as a PP said whether it comes across like your step kids want to visit because there is a nice house and animals rather than a normal family interaction

Hiya OP, are they a bit snobbish?
Is it something like that? I ask because my grandmother was a bit off with my DSC at times. She was kind in some ways but embarrassing in others once I had my DC.
Personally I'd have to ask why they're so disinterested in your family, say if you chose to adopt a child in the future or took in a child related to you somehow on an SGO etc, would that child be excluded or is it simply because these children aren't apart of your past?

Have you had a frank discussion with your parents about this? If not I’d start that, point out how difficult it is for you and how it might affect your Step-children. It’s also maybe worth while Pointing out that the baby (did you post say you were pregnant) will be siblings of your step children and Likley her behaviour WILL undoubtedly affect her grand child/ten as they also will notice and will be able to visit less if they can only go without their step siblings.

Is the relationship between you mum and child a valuable one? I just struggle to imagine someone refusing to have step-children in their house at all also being a good grandparent.

If it ever happened to me that my children ended up with someone who already had children they would be welcomed into my family. I may not treat them 100% the same {would probably depend on age) but there wouldn't be a vast difference.

I would struggle to see your family if I were you. They're horrible

Children survive without grandparents

Especially horrible ones

I am on the fence with this one. I had zero interest in my step fathers mother or there family or my dads partners. I felt uncomfortable and I felt like an outsider. My eldest who is now an adult feels the same way with my DH family despite him knowing them since he was 4.

Your own DC deserves to have his own relationship with your parents. He doesn’t have his own father and this is his only family and now he has to deal with another man’s children and a new baby on the way. Your parents are his only thing that is his. Now you are trying to get your parents to get more involved in your step kids. They have there own set of parents and grandparents- let you son have his

I wouldn't push them to have a relationship but equally there would be repercussions in terms of very infrequent visiting. I wouldn't take responsibility for my own DC's closeness to parents if they refuse to see a step child who's with you 50% of the time. Actions have consequences. I'd say no a lot.

I think it is more complicated than just being one happy family. The children have their own grandparents. Are they thinking far ahead and about inheritance , helping with school fees or something. It would be lovely if they were on board as much as you want them to be but you've decided to become a step parent, they can make theirvown decisions too as long as they aren't being overtly cruel. I think you are being a bit naieve really.

Have you asked them what the issue is? When they said not to bring DSC, did you ask why?

I don't understand how people can do this. DH and I are in this situation. We wouldn't dream of excluding the step grandchildren, it would be incredibly unfair. In fact, we rather enjoy having them because, gorgeous as our biological grandchildren are, they're still very little, and we can take the steps to more interesting places and do interesting activities with them.

But your moms been allowed to do this for 3 years. How do they treat your stepchild for Christmas, holidays, etc?

But my point still stands, how would you feel if your partners parents treated your DS like this? What would you expect him to do?

I think if you're not pushing these kids on them as grandchildren and trying to get them to treat them the same then yes they are being a bit rude. I think I'd be tempted to ask them why. At the end of the day yes it's their house but I think a bit of honest and open conversion would be helpful here. To get it out in the air.