Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

when I said that they’re my family and it hurts that they’re not welcome the response I got was ‘well that’s your choice, they’re not mine

@Tiredtiredtired100 , your mum
has been crystal clear about why she doesn’t want your boyfriend’s children over. You posted her answer on 26/3.

To you they are your stepchildren and part of your family.
To your parents they are their daughter’s boyfriend’s children from a former relationship and nothing to do with them. They disapproved of your relationship with someone with children and have no interest in forging a relationship with your blended family.

I expect they also feel extremely protective of their grandchild, who has gone from a much adored only child to one of 4 in a fairly short time.

The reason they don’t know what to say is because they’ve already said it but you aren’t listening because you don’t like what they say.

I am glad you and your child have found happiness in your blended family. It’s wonderful that the children get on well. Keep your parents separate from your stepchildren and let the matter rest.

I feel a bond with my nieces who aren't biologically mine..no idea why some people can't form bonds with children who are part of a non biological family. I might grow apart from them...but they are part of my life now.

How is this at all relevant? And what additional security does marriage provide to a child in your opinion? Partnership is a “proper family”

@Tiredtiredtired100 it’s a tricky business for sure. My partner has a 13-y/o daughter and while my mother doesn’t go out of her way to talk about her or actively invite her to come over, she would never openly forbid it.
If I were in your situation, I would try to find out the reason for your parents’ attitudes. Don’t make it about you and your feelings, make it about them. What do they feel? What do they fear? What’s their reasoning. Some diplomacy may be required.

I am nanny to a step granddaughter. She’s been a bit of a tricky pickle but she’s a very small child and my lovely son and DIL deserve for me to view her as they do as their child. If anything I put extra effort into my relationship with her and I spent a lovely couple of hours with her today.
Your parent’s behaviour is appalling. Sorry. In your situation I think I would have to make it clear to my parents that they saw all of my children including those without my DNA or none of them. X

Your argument would make perfect sense were it not for the fact that grandparents allow other non-related children to visit (such as friends’ children) but put a ban on these specific kids. If they had a child free house policy then yes, we could debate about the special relationship status. But they don’t. They just decided that they didn’t want step kids around

The point is choice.

The grandparents chose to allow the children of their friends into their life, they did not choose to have step grandchildren. Let’s be honest, the expectations around “step grandchildren” and their treatment, versus the treatment of friends children, will be enormously different.

Well I can see this is still a topic that divides opinion. My parents have continued to make clear they won’t see my step-kids. This weekend for instance we have no car and I said we’d be in if they wanted to visit us instead, they said they would but once I said we’d all be here they said they wouldn’t come as it would be too hectic with us all (ironic as actually the kids have all been quietly and happily playing all morning, one is currently learning a foreign language on the computer and the others are playing together with various toys).
That’s fine, it’s their prerogative not to visit but it’s clearly because of the step-kids presence as without them here they were willing to visit. It still stings that they obviously don’t really want to see me all that much but I can’t change their minds and I’m not giving up my family because they don’t approve. I’ve tried to talk to them but all I get is ‘it will be fine’ so that’s that really. The end result is that I’ve seen a lot less of them over the last few months and that makes us all sad, but it’s what they have chosen.

It doesn't make them that sad or they would visit. I hope your son is still seeing his grandparents. I've read the thread and while it's crap for you, im assuming your step children have grandparents. Don't deny your son his.

Op, there is an absolutely huge difference between you insisting your partners children are treated exactly like their grandchildren, and you simply wanting to be able to call several times a year with all of the children in tow, together.

I think your parents behaviour is appalling.

As they have others with children calling, they clearly have a huge issue with you being with someone with children.

I think they are very ugly people to take such a stance, however it is their home and that is 100% THEIR choice and you have to respect it.

Choices have consequences however.

Just as you must accept their choice, they too must accept that visiting them is no longer a priority for you.

I think you should see the very least you can of them, certainly do not in any way put yourself out for them.

Let their huge dislike of your partners children keep them warm.

Accept your parents choices and accept that their influence and presence in your childrens life is not essential when it comes with such unkindness.

They are not step grandchildren, they are her partners children.

They clearly have a huge problem with him having children, but that doesn't change the fact that he does.

They cannot accept or control the OP's choices.

All she wants to do is be able to visit with all the children occasionally.

She visits with their grandchild at least once a week.

Yet they cannot tolerate her visiting even a few times a year with all the children together.

Awful behaviour by awful people.

I would go to see my parents on my own and tell them that you are very disappointed they cannot be civil to your DSC once or twice a year. Point out it would be hurtful to the DSC as they ATM do not realise they are excluded from visiting your parents, but once your new baby is born their half sibling, you will find it impossible to bring the new baby and your son to visit them without DSC. Tell them marriage is on the cards and see what they say. I'd also tell them your DP's parents treat your son as a DGS. If they refuse to be civil to your DSC for a couple of hours twice a year I'd scale back the time you visit with them and instead visit DP's parents more who treat all the DC well. Tbh your parents don't sound very nice. My in-laws have always treated my DC as well as their own DGC. I know my DC will inherit the same portion in MiL's will as her own DGC. They have a very close relationship.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache he is still seeing his grandparents. I won’t deny him that as he loves them dearly and they love him too. They have offered several times to have him for the day or overnight and I visit on the weekends I don’t have the step kids or occasionally in the week. I’m finding it hard as my own relationship with them feels strained because of their rejection of such a significant part of my life, but I am visiting still for my son’s sake.

@billy1966 what you said about ‘Just as you must accept their choice, they too must accept that visiting them is no longer a priority for you.’ Is spot on really. They invited my partner to join me in visiting last weekend and I told them he wasn’t willing to go anywhere his own children weren’t welcome or to accept invites that are only given if he doesn’t have them with him that weekend. Christmas is going to be tricky, as my partner quite rightly doesn’t want to see people who are being so mean to his children and even when the step kids are at their mom’s (on Boxing Day) he is not necessarily going to be want to be left alone and for me to take the new baby with me as well as my DS. So my family are going to have to accept a briefer visit (they would want me their all day).

@caringcarer i told my parents at the time of this all coming to a head that I would under no circumstances stand infront of all the children and tell them that only my biological children could go somewhere with me. So they know this.

@Tiredtiredtired100 then I'd take all children to your DP's parents where all of them are welcome. Your parents will miss out.

@caringcarer we do that and they regularly drop in and visit us too, whether we have all the kids or just my son, that never bothers them.

Honestly, I'd not go see them over Christmas. Its family time. Your new babies first Christmas. It isn't fair for your partner to be seperated from his child so you can visit your parents when it's them that have a problem. Your partner is 100% right to draw the line. I appreciate it puts you in a difficult position regarding your older child, but you aren't stopping them seeing him, they've made it more difficult for themselves with their ridiculous exclusion. I'd tell them as much too.

Tell them you'll see them week before Christmas (whenever partner is at work assuming you're off on mat leave), and again after new year when partner is back at work and step-kids at their mums. They might kick up a fuss but it's their own bed they've made. I wouldn't tell them when you do and don't have step kids over Christmas so they can come to you either. They can come and accept everyone there or not bother.

I certainly won’t be visiting on Christmas day itself. What makes Christmas tricky is that my siblings and other relatives visit then and some of the live overseas (and can’t drive in the uk) so it’s the only time they will be able to meet the new baby, so not visiting at all is tricky.

I 100% support my partner btw on the line he has drawn and I don’t think he’s making life difficult for me but that my parents are. If his parents were behaving this way my own parents would 100% not expect me to still go round to their house and definitely wouldn’t want me taking my DS anywhere he was unwelcome.

It's only 15 mins away though so they definitely could visit you, even if your parents don't come. I don't see how a short visit is reasonable, dropping by for half an hour isn't exactly much time to see them or meet baby either! I certainly wouldn't be leaving your partner alone missing out on his childs first boxing day for hours.

Have you told the siblings etc what the problem is?

OP, you need to see a lot less of them.

People who accept your family as a unit will be your priority.

I think your partner is 100% correct, to no longer wish to see your parents.

As for the new baby, if the situation was reversed, would YOU want your new baby brought to a home that refuses to have your older children inside their doors?

I certainly wouldn't tolerate it.

These are the consequences of awful choices that they will have to accept.

If you really love your partner, and he is a good and loving man, then I would make absolutely sure you give your relationship/new family, the best chance, by standing firm on this.

I'm astounded at the hatred for step children on MN, that so many families seem to have when a family member introduces a new partner with them.

Excluding them from weddings, holidays, and now houses.

So ugly.

Have you any plans to marry?

Why would your parents be welcomed to that with their treatment of your new family?

IMO unless you take a real hardline and really show them a glimpse of their future, this situation will remain.

I really would dramatically reduce the time you spend visiting to once ever 6 weeks and stay away completely at Christmas and be very clear why.

As long as this situation works for them, they will not change.

I think you should go on Boxing Day tbh. It's not a special day like Christmas Day so not upsetting for your DH to miss, and you shouldn't isolate yourself from the whole of your family just to prove a point to your parents.

@billy1966 i see your point but it doesn’t really work for them as a situation as my mom has said she misses us, but it’s their bed and they’re lying in it, they obviously don’t miss me and my son enough to tolerate my dp and his children, who are as I have repeatedly said lovely children but even if my parents don’t think they’re lovely they certainly couldn’t think they were badly behaved or brattish as they absolutely aren’t. We took them for a walk into town today and for lunch and the lady serving us commented on how well behaved they were and said they were a credit to us. I know they are all good kids and they know how to behave it’s just that my parents don’t want to accept them because they’re not biologically related.

@aSofaNearYou I agree but if my DP is upset at the notion of a few hours alone in the afternoon then I won’t think he’s being unreasonable and I won’t go.

Then you need to remind your dp that you don't want to isolate yourself and your children from the rest of your family. That the relationship between your son and his maternal family is important to him. Going on boxing day isn't just about your parents. I'm sure he will understand this.

I am sorry you are no further forward with this though, it is baffling why your parents are acting like this. I still stand by the fact that it shouldn't affect your ds's relationship with them.

I wouldn't visit when you have the dsc. If they ask say we will all be coming. If they say no. Don't visit. Go when only your dc are there so at least the dsc are not aware they are being left out. And do that everytime.

@weirdas that is what I currently do and will continue to do. I am 100% not visiting and leaving behind my step-children, who I know will ask to come with me.

@jemimapuddlepluck the problem is that it will affect his relationship in that he will see less of them. Today for instance he asked if we could go round and I explained that as we didn’t have the car that we couldn’t (they live down country roads, it’s not possible without a car even though it’s less than a 15 minute drive). He then said they could come here and I had to explain I had said they could but they didn’t want to. I didn’t tell him that was because of his step-siblings but that just leaves him feeling like his grandparents aren’t bothered about seeing him, which is hurtful.