Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

Sorry but also this.

It's wonderful for your SC you're so loyal.
I think my DM would probably be like your parents and would have very little interest in step kids. Have no way of knowing and hopefully won't ever find out but I just can't imagine her being happy with me showing up with some 'randoms' -is how I imagine her thinking of it - in her home.

However, they took it too far effectively refusing to visit you when they're there. That was totally over the top.
Very very sad. Also devastating your relationship has been so badly compromised.
If the worst happens and you split with your dp, then what happens? Step kids will be gone but your relationship with your parents will be forever damaged. In the grand scheme of things I don't think you can win. Congrats on new baby. And wish you well going forward

Your parents are awful and you're a wonderful mother and step-mother!

there is no way they don't know they are being unreasonably cruel and I would probably burn that bridge to the ashes if my parents tried to do something like this

This is very sad Op - would your parents consider family therapy with you ? As this is going to be so long lasting and damaging - especially as your boys get older and understand what is happening.

I'm so impressed with your calm committment to your step kids op

I'm baffled by anyone defending the GPs - this goes way beyond 'not being interested in them'. or 'not wanting to meet them'. These are very very significant people in the OPs life!! They are deliberately AVOIDING and blocking socialising with them - they are the step and half siblings of their own grandchildren.

This is just totally bizarre - the OP has pointed out they are generally sociable people.

clearly something has got into their head and they have a wierd bee in a bonnet about - perhaps they decided early on that they didn't want to be 'drawn into' a deeper relationship and this has led to them getting really stuck.

I would suggest mediation of some sort.

I agree with waterrat. I think they wanted to stay aloof at first and then it snowballed. They have now got themselves into a weird situation where they are avoiding and shunning a couple of children - children who happen to be the siblings of their new grandchild! Is there anyone else in their life who they deliberately avoid? I bet not.

OP, would you consider talking to them again and saying look can we draw a line under this. These kids don't want anything from you and don't see you as grandparents, nor do they want to, but they exist, they are siblings to your grandchild and close with the elder child. Can't you just tolerate being with them - not as grandchildren but just as members of my family.

Or could you have a sibling talk to them about just tolerating these children as members of your family.

Unless they are extraordinarily mean-spirited surely they'll take that olive branch.

You sound such a decent person OP. And such a force for decency in all those children's lives. I really admire your commitment to doing the best for them.

I do agree with @Pallisers though. For whatever reasons your parents could got themselves stuck in a box of their own making. They appear very very foolish. Maybe they just don't know how to back themselves out of this.

It would be the best outcome if you could draw a line under this and an ordinary, friendly relationship could resume. It would be so much better going forward. Ultimately they stand to loose the most.

Could someone close mediate and offer them a way to see your point of view? Is it worth another try?

You sound such a decent person OP. And such a force for decency in all those children's lives. I really admire your commitment to doing the best for them.

This ^

I agree with Pallisers that it's worth trying to sit them down and appealing to their better nature.

However, it's not a given that they have one. Be prepared for that, and you'll have to figure out how to deal with your H if you find they're truly heartless and unreasonable people.

Thank you all for the suggestions of mediation, family therapy etc. But my parents have repeatedly stated that they absolutely do not want to talk about it. Not having any reason or explanation is hard as it leaves me making up so many possible reasons, but whatever they are at the heart of it all is that they would rather push me and my children away than tolerate my step-children (who are their grand child’s siblings). I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fathom it myself and I know that they blame me and think that I am the one who is causing the problem by even asking them to accept my step-children as my family. I suppose all I really can do is accept this rift is permanent and learn to live with it. I’m genuinely heartbroken to have lost the relationship I thought I had with my parents but I can’t see any way to ever get it back.

OP

You could just go back to the situation that you had before there were any step kids involved. Visit your parents with your children only.
After all the step kids have their own maternal grandparents that they see without your children, the reverse also is the case and they needn't come with when you and your children visit your parents.

I agree with this. You can’t force your parents to accept step grandchildren which you’re trying to do. You can’t be that heartbroken to have lost the relationship with your parents if you continue to act the way you are. It seems you’re wanting your own way all the time. You really need to accept that people are allowed to make their own decisions and I do think you’re trying to force them onto being a big happy family on your terms only which is really unfair.

OP already brings the biological grandkids to visit her parents. She is already doing what they want. But she had her stepchildren staying with her over christmas and because of that she and her family weren't welcome at her parents for christmas day? Who does that? at christmas? I've had far more random people at mine for xmas than my daughters step-children.

I honestly think OP's parents started out as a bit mean-spirited but just wanting to focus on their own grandchildren and never saw how it would come to this - but are digging in because otherwise they would have to acknowledge that they were wrong.

Also in the mix is OP's OH. Imagine how he feels when his PiL won't even tolerate the mere presence of his DC.

Poor OP has to juggle all this.

Can you plan to invite your parents to your place for Christmas like celebrations?

Until you have been in this situation as a grandparent, it can be difficult to appreciate the myriad of emotions and feelings which swirl around when becoming a step grandparent. You had a choice when you got together with your partner, your parents didn’t. Relationships are formed with grandchildren over the years but with step grandchildren that period of growth has often already passed. You can find yourself with older step grandchildren, you don’t know their likes and dislikes, they may have different standards of acceptable behaviour and a hundred other situations that need to be navigated. Not everyone has the emotional reserve or patience to deal with this and this is especially the case as we get older. Instead of trying to force your stepchildren on them, try and find out why the situation has arisen. Please have the conversation before taking any other action.

Thank you for your advice, it’s not that I don’t understand that my parents may have reasons for not wanting to be significantly present in my step-children’s lives (I have never expected that just basic politeness and not banning them from their sight) but my parents absolutely refuse to give me a reason or discuss any of it with me.

there isn’t any resolution to this thread I’m afraid because my parents won’t ever discuss it.

I’m entitled to love my step-children and not want to hurt them. My parents are entitled to ban my step-children from their home. Nobody is wholly unreasonable here, but clearly me and my parents cannot have the relationship we used to have when they have made so clear their distaste for my life choices and hurt my partner so much by rejecting his children.

It hurts personally when people reject the people you love, it’s a reflection on you ultimately and so at the crux of this for me is the knowledge that my parents disapprove of my life choices and the family I have made.

As I have said, my children still see their grandparents and I have never stopped contact with them.

OP is there anyone else in your family you can ask privately about why your parents might feel this way, since they won’t discuss it with you directly? Do you have siblings or aunts/uncles? Perhaps there is a roundabout way to find out clues, and to ask about potential other factors (such as how they feel about your partner, inheritance issues, something in their own past or their acquaintances experience, other things in general that might be a factor that you wouldn’t ever think of). It’s weird, given their open door policy to other kids. I mean, I guess you could ask, “is there a reason you won’t discuss this with me? I’m baffled and disturbed why we can’t talk about it” but that sounds like it would go nowhere.

You could even very carefully and quietly ask someone in your family that you trust and who is discreet, to innocently bring up the subject of grandkids/step kids with your parents when you are not there if a natural conversational starter occurs, and see if they reveal anything.

Fixing it may be impossible…but understanding it, even through whatever tiny hints you might be able to glean indirectly, could at least stop your wondering “why?” which rightfully troubles you as much as the situation itself.

If my parents have told anyone else in my family then none of them will tell me either, I have discussed it with my siblings but either they don’t know the reasons or they don’t want to say because they don’t want to hurt me. My uncle simply told me that he liked my partner and not to worry, that not everyone in the family feels the way my parents do about him. Given that my uncle is not one to talk about such things that meant a lot but I wouldn’t be able to get more than that from him.

Hi OP,

Your comment was quite interesting, because your uncle has hinted that it’s your partner that your parents have a problem with. This sounds like a completely different thing than their issue with your step kids. Is there possibly something specific between your partner and your parents that is the origin of the unwelcome step kids issue? I have to say, it sounds confusing.

But it’s important information. Because it sounds like you have an opportunity to build bonds between your extended family that include the step kids. Your extended family may live farther away, so you may need to be creative. Shared interests, online zoom about something you all care about (sports team, whatnot), etc. But it does sound like your extended family could be a substitute for what you are unable to achieve with your parents. You might want to give some thought into how to build those bonds, or even mention to one or two of your extended family how much you appreciate their interest and welcoming behavior, given that you aren’t getting it from your parents.

They could be allies for you, even if you can’t fix the situation with your parents. Good luck.

@Tiredtiredtired100

Op it sounds like the issue is your partner. I suspect the kids are a red herring that maybe your partner has suggested, so you focus on the step kids being rejected rather than what your parents see in your partner that they don't like (that you don't see)

@TryingToBeLogical my extended family are indeed great and we are all attending a family wedding soon to which we were all invited. I get that they don’t love my step-children like they do their biological relatives, but they don’t exclude them and that’s all that matters.

@housemovepickle whether they liked my DP before or not (they claimed they did and regularly invited him round to theirs, even after their banning of his children) I know they don’t like him now because he refuses to go to their home or join in any family events (to be honest they always host these in their home anyway) from which his children are not invited. I don’t blame him, I would do the same if my children had been treated this way by his parents.

Honestly, my best guess is they dislike DP for taking my (or rather that of my son, their first born grandson who they dote on) attention and time away from them rather than because of any personality traits my partner has. I am the only child who lives near them and prior to me meeting my partner, as a lone parent I did see them a lot. I spent years trying to continue seeing them loads, splitting my time between my partner and them, but I don’t think they liked that he became an equally important part of mine and my son’s world as they were.

My mom has commented multiple times recently on how wonderful my step-children are as siblings and what good children they are. My step-children even sent her a letter (they wrote to lots of family members not just them) and she sent a lovely reply. So there are olive branches being made, I suppose, but I still don’t think they will ever be welcome in my parents’ home.

Well the sad update is that my parents finally did speak to me because they got mad that I won’t come to a family event with only my biological children this Christmas on a day we have all the children. In their words I ‘shouldn’t be burdening everyone else with my choices’ and ‘imposing’ my step children on the family. They ‘will not be grand parents to those children’ is their stance.

I am seeking some counselling as I am extremely hurt by the way my parents view my family and me. I don’t expect them to love my step-children but I am stunned by the lack of respect for my choices in life. Maybe the counselling will help me come to terms with or understand all of this differently.

Oh I'm so sorry for your update

Sorry to read this @Tiredtiredtired100 Very hurtful of them. All you can do is do what you think is right - and KNOW that you are doing the right thing. Which you Are. It's their loss, however much they are blaming you. They can choose to behave the way they want to - but you absolutely have the right to say that their behaviour is not acceptable to you and to stay strong.

I'm so sad to read your update. I think counselling is a good way forward for you