Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

^Dear MN although we are a family unit my PiL will not accept the children of my first relationship.

When they are with us We can not go to them at Christmas, as they do not like to entertain them in the house, despite being devoted to their SB and 1/2 brother.^

^They will not allow visits when we are together.

Am I right to be upset?
^

But they HAVE addressed the "why don't they just support their daughter", as if it would cost them nothing, question. Many times.

Another thing that constantly seems to drive wedges between families on here is when grandparents don't treat the SC the same as their own GC, when all the children are present. Yet they aren't allowed to avoid them being present, either. So basically, the only thing they are allowed to do is embrace the children as their own.

The DH could feel any number of things depending on his character and how much he expects of his in laws. My DP doesn't think anything about the lack of relationship between my parents and his son. It's not an issue.

But they HAVE addressed the "why don't they just support their daughter", as if it would cost them nothing, question. Many times.

Effort implies that you put something in. Lots of People make 'an effort' to ease family relationships. No not sure why the GPs wouldn't do that. Though I understand what that effort could be. As explained on here.

Also not sure why I am answerable to you if I don't feel a question has been answered.

Another thing that constantly seems to drive wedges between families on here is when grandparents don't treat the SC the same as their own GC, when all the children are present. Yet they aren't allowed to avoid them being present, either. So basically, the only thing they are allowed to do is embrace the children as their own.

Hmm not sure where you get that. Letting them in the front door would be a start.

The DH could feel any number of things depending on his character and how much he expects of his in laws. My DP doesn't think anything about the lack of relationship between my parents and his son. It's not an issue.

And he could be very hurt by it.

Glad to hear there are no issues in your situation.
Clearly you are not the same as the OP then.
As she is hurt by it.
And does you DP's son share a half sibling with your DPs.

Effort implies that you put something in. Lots of People make 'an effort' to ease family relationships. No not sure why the GPs wouldn't do that. Though I understand what that effort could be. As explained on here.

Because the effort required by most people that adopt a "we are a unit" policy with their blended family might just be too great. As I've said, I find it very hard to believe anyone would be happy for them to not treat them to whatever they treat their GC to, when they come over.

Hmm not sure where you get that. Letting them in the front door would be a start.

Are you serious? You're saying you've never seen threads on here where a grandparent is lambasted for not treating all the children, including step children, equally? That this isn't a common issue? It comes up all the time.

To give a random example, since it's coming up, OP comes over with all of the children around Easter. Is it ok for GP to only buy an Easter Egg for their GC, with SC there to see it? If no, and you apply that line of thinking to every time they want to do something with or for their GC, then you can surely see how that would add up.

Letting them in the front door would be a start, yes. But if they're coming through the door regularly and as standard, then it isn't hard to see where that leads.

And yes my DSS has half siblings that are my DPs- my children. He is well aware that he has his DMs family on his side, and my DCs have their DMs family. We very rarely see them while he is with us. There are no issues.

But if I were in the grandparents position and my DC was hurt that I didn't want a close relationship with their SC, and wasn't happy to just see me when they weren't busy with them... well, I would be feeling pretty dubious about what expectations would be coming next once she started bringing them over.

*And yes my DSS has half siblings that are my DPs- my children. He is well aware that he has his DMs family on his side, and my DCs have their DMs family. We very rarely see them while he is with us. There are no issues.

But if I were in the grandparents position and my DC was hurt that I didn't want a close relationship with their SC, and wasn't happy to just see me when they weren't busy with them... well, I would be feeling pretty dubious about what expectations would be coming next once she started bringing them over.*

I suppose the difference is OP does want see GPs as a unit. Different to you clearly.

And different to many others on here who find these GOs difficult.

Glad you have a happy workable solution though.

Doubtful we'd ever agree on this. Where this situation crops up in my family and friends it's the opposite of this. And now it would be unimaginable any other way.

Each to their own. And hope you find a solution OP.

To clarify a few things:

I do pretty much exclusively take just DS to my GP and it is usually during the time we don’t have the SC (or say when I have picked him up from school and pop over to see them so it’s just us). I have done this because I do understand the value of his relationship with them and it being something he gets for himself. What I am asking of them is that very occasionally they’re willing to see the SC too, not as a replacement for seeing their GC but in addition to it, as a few hour visit during the holidays.

they see my DS a lot. A minimum of once a week and often more (I am a teacher so lots of time spent there then or going out with my mum, who is fully retired). My parents also have my DS for sleepovers, inset days, random days they just ask to have him on in the holidays and if he is unwell. It is a completely loving relationship between them and they have been a massive support in raising him ever since he was born.

honestly seeing the SC for a few hours over Easter (both me and my partner would be there, he always takes days off work when he has them in the holidays, so he’s not expecting me to take them on my own, though of course I could if I wanted to) would not impinge on their relationship with my DS. I have also been very clear that I do not expect my parents to play the role of grandparents and the SC don’t expect any gifts/special treatment, they’re just children who would enjoy the outing and like knowing who their step-mom and step-brother’s family are. I don’t think that’s too unusual.

The grandparents should welcome any or all children to their home. Every time a child comes to your house, be it classmates of your grandchildren or whomever, you should be open to them being there and be kind to them and help them improve by your wisdom. If you are not up to it, state you are tired, it's been lovely, andthat all of them must come back later.

These grandparents aren't up to any visiting if they can only handle one boy at a time, oops, plus one baby. Oh, but not THOSE other two kids. Like I said, I'd visit these grandparents alone.

Jesus said, "Let the children come to me." So that's how I'd decide this one.

Ultimately they're actively impinging upon you being able to work as a, family unit.
If the sexes were reversed and it was new baby's dad's parents, you be being told "if yo u and your older kids aren't welcome, don't let him take the baby!!" but because it's your Mom you'll be expected to continue to run around for when it suits her aka when you don't have them with you
At some point your DS may well notice they DGP have something against their siblings, but it'll be on them to explain.

Again, your DP’s children have 2 sets of grandparents and 2 parents. They have lots of family members. Your son just has you and your parents. You can go on day trips as a blended family, but grandparents don’t have to be involved. Your son shouldn’t have to share his family day outs with his mum’s boyfriend’s children. It sounds nice that it’s just you, your son and your parents going to the zoo etc. And then the baby (half sibling) too in the future.

They also shouldn’t be coerced into having random children (they are strangers) in their home for hours. That’s quite tiring and they are allowed to choose who stays in their house. It’s also a relatively new relationship.

They also shouldn’t be coerced into having random children (they are strangers) in their home for hours. That’s quite tiring and they are allowed to choose who stays in their house. It’s also a relatively new relationship.

Can't even.

"Random Strangers"

Your son shouldn’t have to share his family day outs with his mum’s boyfriend’s children.

Did you miss the bit where they adore each other?

And that’s lovely. They can go on family outings without falling out. However, grandparents don’t have to be involved.

Surely this will become an issue for them over Christmas/Easter. As presumably you won’t be able to see you parents at special times if you have your Step children? Or are they ok with that?

Weallgottachangesometime why would it be an issue for step kids, as one myself I had zero interest in hanging out in big holidays with my step father or step mothers family, I loved being with my own where i felt safe and comfortable. The OP needs to work out what that means with another child on the way but her son will feel happiest with his grandparents just as her step kids feel the same with theirs (x2)

I mean surely it would be an issue for the grandparents.
I meant if they can’t see their grandchild over Easter weekend because the family stay home rather than come to them.

It’s not about the relationship between the grandparents and the step kids but the knock on impact on how often they’ll see their grandchildren if they can only see them when the step-children aren’t around.

No one brother's to explain what happens if or whe
The OP's son becomes curious about his step siblings life. What happens if he becomes curious when his step siblings talk about the fun things that happen at their. maternal grandmother's house? Will the solution be to expect your child to be allowed to go to observe fun at that grandmother' s house? Certainly, that would be the expected outcome in the OP's definition of family and unity.

In reality , kids understand relationship differences and what it means to be related. They understand different rules for different places, etc

Just like OP's son will only experience vicariously fun at his step siblings maternal grandmother's house , it may be that his step siblings have to have a similar vicarious experiences with OP's parents.

.

My dad can be a little bit like this. Not to the extent of OP where he literally won't let them round but for example if he was going to take me and my children out somewhere, lunch, farm, whatever and we end up having DSC unexpectedly (which sometimes happens) he'll ask if we can do it another time then rather than saying 'no worries, bring DSC along too'.

It's not a money thing, I just think he'd rather spend his down time doing things with just his grandchild rather than having the focus being split between others.

Same at Christmas and birthdays. He'll buy a token gift for DSC but spoil his grandchild.

Honestly me and H have never cared. I see absolutely nothing wrong with him not really wanting much of a relationship with H's kids. They aren't particularly arsed about him either.

Like I say though he doesn't go quite as far as OPs parents in that they are welcome round to his house. It's just "bigger" things like days out/meals out/Christmas etc that he prefers to save for a time it can be just his GC.

@GetOffMeLawn this I would be 100% happy with and is actually what I expect, it’s the flat refusal to have any contact at all with my SC and to bar them from their house that seems so mean. As others have said it makes their disapproval of my whole relationship clear.

as an update I have nothing. I told my mum how I felt and the response was that she didn’t know what to say. I have had nothing since except a message asking if I was coming round this week, to which I responded explaining that I was still hurt and upset but was happy to drop DS off if she wanted to see him. There has been no response. I think my parents are just waiting for me to give in or apologise and at the very least I deserve a proper conversation about why they are acting the way they are and quite frankly I want an apology, though it’s not looking like I will get one.

Op.
Your DS only has you, and his grandparents as his own family.
And now you're shared even if only to a small extent with your DP's kids.

Let him have his grandparents to himself.

After all your DP's kids have plenty of their own family that they don't share with your DS.

Instead of telling your mum how you feel ask BOTH of your parents why they act like this. Tell them you just want the truth, that you can handle it. Ask them upfront if it is because they don't like your DP. The person I feel most sorry for in this is your son. Its almost like he's expected to sacrifice his relationship with his GP's to save the feelings of his step siblings. And that is really shit. Are you really prepared to ruin yours and your actual childs relationship with your parents, who you say have been a massive support to you and your son, for the sake of a man and his children who to be blunt, you have known for 3 YEARS? That just blows my mind, like I said, your son should be your priority here and I dont know if he is. Is your DP putting pressure on you?

I re read your OP and I notice you said that your step children have only visited your DP's house 3 times in 3 years but regularly ask if they can go. Why? If its because your DS talks about it then he should be able to discuss his grandparents freely. Its your partners job to explain to his children that your DS has grandparents on his mums side like they have grandparents on their mums side. Isn't that lovely? Then move on. There shouldn't be this angst about it all. If the step kids haven't noticed, which they shouldn't have because hopefully your dp has done the above, then why are you letting affect your relationship with your parents?

I don't think you're expecting too much for your parents to occasionally be civil and welcome the children of your blended family through the door.

You've explained that you were only hoping for the occasional low level interaction. Just basic good manners really, that they are happy to show to other children.

You have no intention of usurping the relationship your DS has with them. That is not under threat. Frankly I don't understand people who seem to think the occasional visit harms that. Your DS adores his step siblings and would probably be really excited for them to see his grandparents house.

Your son does not have to 'share' his GPs. That's ridiculous. It's the occasional visit!

What I don't understand is how your parents, sadly, don't seem to give two hoots for your feelings in all this. How it impacts you and makes you feel. Once you have your new baby it will become even more awkward.

All those occasions you are able to spend together as a full, blended family are going to be constrained.

I am thinking of all the Christmas, Easter, Birthdays , holidays etc that now become a bit awkward because they can't show occasional basic civility to two small people who are now a significant part of your life.

But it's also what it says about your new relationship. I can see that it's very hurtful. What does your DP think?

It's impossible to tell anything really without knowing a lot more history. I've seen families where the daughter makes a terrible choice in partner gets pregnant very early on and needs massive amounts of support. Then merrily goes on to have relationships that badly affect her existing child while the grandparents watch fairly helplessly from the sidelines.

Or they could be horrendous snobs who are by nature quite rude. Who knows!

It's clear they don't think this relationship will last and do feel protective over their grandson. They also don't feel comfortable telling you why, OP. I guess you need to decide how hard you push here. Do you really want the truth if that truth is that they think your partner is another terrible choice and you're not making decisions in the best interests of your child?

Maybe it's just me but I don't see why this really matters personally.

I don't think I'd be that bothered if my dad also didn't want to invite them round to his house either and would rather see me when they weren't there.

They don't have to be arsed about having a relationship with children they'd rather not. If that's their decision then just go round when you don't have them with you. I don't think it's anything for you to be upset about personally.

Obviously your parents will need to accept this means they may not get to see you as often as they'd like if stepkids are there but if they are happy to just see you during the 50% of the time they aren't then I'm not seeing the big issue or why you'd be refusing to see your mother because you're so upset about it.

I don’t want to see my mother right now because I’m hurt and upset and she doesn’t even think that justifies an explanation on her part.

to those saying I’m choosing my DP over my son, I am not. My parents are the ones who are trying to make things difficult when actually I don’t think it’s difficult for me to continue to see them regularly and that may only occasionally involve bringing one or more of my step children if they want to come.

My DS is incredibly happy and loved endlessly by me. That is without doubt.

Obviously I can’t prove to people on mumsnet that my DP is a good choice but he is by far and away the best man I have ever met. He is unfaltering in his commitment to his kids, my son and me and makes all of our lives better by being in them.

Perhaps my parents are snobs, perhaps they despise him, perhaps they’re just jealous that my world doesn’t revolve around them. I really don’t know because they won’t actually talk to me. As their daughter I think I deserve that.