Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

It's not you, it's them. Absolutely unreasonable behaviour. I think it will be good for you to have a safe space to work through your feelings and work on your boundaries with them. They are showing a real lack of respect and care for you.

This is so sad. Perhaps write a short message back- ‘I have never ever asked you be grandparents to my stepchildren. I have asked you to let us all visit. When we were growing up our friends were welcome to come and play, so I’m only asking you not to treat my wholly innocent sweet stepchildren worse than my child food friends. Even as adults my sisters friends children are welcome at your house. Im only asking you not to treat my wholly innocent sweet stepchildren worse than my sisters friends children. But you refuse, so you clearly absolutely reject their position in my life. This is rejecting my family. You’re rejecting my partner and his wonderful children. You’re rejecting your grandchildren’s half siblings. I am so sad at the cost of this to our relationships but it cannot be repaired while you reject my family. Im sorry you are hurt at not seeing your grandchildren as often as you would like but that’s the cost of rejecting the rest of their family, this is your choice.

Honestly they sound absolutely vicious and I'd have to think long and hard about if it was good for my son to be around such spiteful people if they were kind to him.
At the very least I'd explain to your parents that they days you have your step kids are out of limits for anything for you and your son so not to ask .
Someone people are just horrid op and there is nothing you can do to change them.

It would be a deal-breaker for me, and should you decide to maintain any kind of relationship with them, I would recommend an hour in a coffee shop with them, just you and not your son.

There is something almost pathological in their treatment of your step-children. Their refusal to ever be in their presence as though these poor children will somehow contaminate your parents' family is beyond anything I have ever read about on these boards. I feel very sorry for you.

How utterly horrible your parents are. My mum accepted my step children. She didn't see them that much, so didn't have that much of a relationship with them, but when we did visit they were as accepted as my own kids, and given gifts at Christmas etc.

My MIL was the same with her son's step kids, they were her grandchildren as much as the biological grandchildren.

I just can't understand why anyone would treat children like that. And none of my kids would be seeing them if they couldn't be courteous to everyone.

I've only just read your thread, but could have written exactly the same. Except I'm your partner and it's my PIL deliberately excluding my 2 older children. It has only recently come to a head where I am refusing to see them. I have also said that my youngest (biologically their GC) will never spend time with them alone, my partner can take them to visit, (which won't be often) but that's it.
I'm really struggling to understand their decision and how to move past it because I want to go full on nuclear at them, but obviously can't because they're my DP family and I won't hurt him. I also don't have anyone to talk to IRL because it would hurt my partner, my mum already hates them so would just give her more reason, and don't have friends that I feel I can burden with it.
I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom to help, but you're not alone.

Completely unreasonable behaviour.
Get counselling and do not go near them.
They sound toxic.
I wouldn't want them near any of the children.

So you’d deprive your own child a loving relationship with their grandparents a long standing one for someone else’s children…

Enjoy that resent from them when older and realise they missed out for someone else’s child.

I am really sorry that you’re in this same position, what you have said is how my DP feels and I understand why. Honestly, if you do have friends who you could talk to I would. Mine have been shocked by my parents but very supportive.

They had the last conversation in front of my son, so he now knows that his step-siblings are banned. He’s known them since he was 1 (so all his living memory) and loves them to pieces, so was upset by this as he thinks they are his family as much as his grandparents are. He still loves his grandparents though and I reassured him that that was fine and that he didn’t have to choose between us but would always still have his grandparents.

I'd always invite step grandchildren into the fold if I was to have any. I have a step step granddaughter 🤣 ie my partners step granddaughter and we have never left her out of presents or days out etc . Pays to be kind and it's no skin of my nose at the end of the day to make others feel welcome in my family :)

@Tiredtiredtired100

So sorry op that your parents are so horrible regarding this, it's plainly ridiculous of them to exclude your family because of biology.

As a contrast my dmum has welcomed my dsd's into the family with open arms, one adult dsd is coming there to stay for the whole Christmas (her mum doesn't have her overnight, long story). Yes they don't get as many presents but she treats them with love, in fact my other dsd said to me she wished she had grandmothers like her, and really appreciated the welcome. This is how step families should work

I most certainly wouldn't reward their toxicity with access to their grandchildren.

The OP never asked that her two step children be treated like grandchildren, just that they be treated with kindness and respect.

I couldn't look at people who would behave like that and I definitely wouldn't give them access to my children.

Let them warm themselves with their toxicity.

They are an open wound in the OPs relationship with her partner.

Time to seal it up and pull away.

She isn't depriving her child of a loving relationship with their grandparents. Her children do see their grandparents regularly. She has just refused to send them on a day when her step-children (i.e. her children's step-sibling and half-sibling) are with them.

OP isn't someone who is expecting her parents to treat her step children like their own grandchildren. They are refusing to acknowledge their existence in their daughter's and grandchildren's lives and to ever be in their presence. It isn't normal behaviour.