Ex want's his daughter less!!

[Cathrobs22]

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

Tey=try

Don't bother - the mum is always a saint even if in this case the mum is cyber stalking an unrelated third party who has absolutely nothing to do with her.

To be fair this thread is almost totally of the correct view that the op is taking the piss. There’s just one poster making out it’s the blokes fault somehow…

I don't know about anyone else but as a mum I genuinely think this view point is bonkers.

Granted I'm a sm as well as a mum and I try to be fair to mums on here.

But I actually cannot imagine having my daughter and describing her as a burden, I hate she has two houses and ultimately would have liked for her to have a 2.4 family ect but it is what it is.

I just can't imagine it.

One of the genuine times I have thought on here, that poor kid.

Hold on, every 14 days, OP has daughter 10 nights and he has her 4. How is that almost 50/50 or whatever else people are saying? Also, it's not uncommon for resident parents to be struggling with doing nearly everything while the non-resident parent gets to pick and choose and that's the end of it.

Don't bother - the mum is always a saint even if in this case the mum is cyber stalking an unrelated third party who has absolutely nothing to do with her.

Have you even read this thread?

”with a few extra in the week” when he can
so 1 extra per week would make it 58:42
people are just going off what op said.

How does 4 nights eow plus a few nights in the week mean he has 10/11nights a fortnight off? You might want to revise your maths

OP doesn't say anything about overnights in the week. So from what I can gather, he has their daughter overnight 4 nights every two weeks, every other Friday-Tues.

The op literally says “plus a few nights in the week”

This is what the OP’s first post said:

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week

He’s not exactly an absent father, is he?

I posted earlier on the thread and also regularly post in this section.

This isn't a step-parent issue it is a parenting issue.

Just because you look after your child 6 days a week doesn't mean you should expect someone unrelated to you who you have no contact with and who can walk out tomorrow damaging your child's emotional health to babysit so you can go out on the lash.

So just checking. Asking a father to organise childcare from post-school on a Friday until he comes home from work @ let's say 10.30 , 12 nights of the year is unreasonable and not child focussed. Please explain why?

Bearing in mind it gives the child an opportunity to wake up in their dad's house, have breakfast together and be 'part of the family. An often quoted Holy Grail for step-mums here.

OP said

“So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?”

So it sounds like it’s only on the weekends he can’t do it that OP would need to swap days - using your example that’s 12 extra Fridays a year in exchange for 12 extra Wednesdays.

Id rather my kids were with either of their parents than a babysitter - especially as the Grandparent can’t do it. I do think changing and swapping is really that unreasonable.

It's not unreasonable if it has to happen. But in this case it doesn't, really.

And you're taking that to mean overnights? OK.

Don't bother - the mum is always a saint even if in this case the mum is cyber stalking an unrelated third party who has absolutely nothing to do with her.

Never said it did. Haven't even mentioned the dad's partner. Also must have missed where OP says she goes out 'on the lash.'

FloydPepper · Today 17:52
The op literally says “plus a few nights in the week”

And you're taking that to mean overnights? OK.

Is it really that important to decide whether or not the few extra nights are “overnights”? I understand that CMS calculations are based on overnights, but surely a “pick her up from school, have tea with her, then drop back at Mum’s” is still meaningful contact? We get way too hung up on overnighting.

OP didn't describe her child as a burden. She said she felt she was being 'punished' as presumably her Friday night plans (for some reason, some posters have decided those plans involve 'going out on the lash) are important to her. There are literally threads on here about hating every aspect of parenting and the responses are generally sympathetic.

OP has also admitted that looking (also twisted to mean 'stalking) at ex's partner's social media was a 'low point.' Everyone is suddenly pretending that only absolute weirdos do this out of curiosity.

She has the child's best interests at heart because she feels she will struggle on a Wednesday if the current arrangement changes.

As usual, non resident father dad gets to click his fingers and decide it's not working for him anymore. And that makes him parent of the year apparently.

It is meaningful contact. He still drops his daughter off after and gets on with his night child free.

@aSofaNearYou and it doesn't really have to happen ONLY if the mum gives up 12 weekend nights where the father could just,you know, make other arrangements.

He's clearly not upset at the loss of those nights as he didn't share them with his child anyway. Just pissed that his elderly mother will no longer cover them so he is gonna have to do what the vast majority of working parents do; organise and pay for childcare. Boo fucking hoo.

He won't though. OP will end up losing her Friday nights 'off.' Of course she will, it's her job as the resident mother, right?

@AllOfThemWitches well yes of course. How very dare she not be overjoyed at the thought of having a Tuesday night without children as opposed to a Friday.

I mean I don't know about you but all my mates totes prefer a Tuesday night out rather than a Friday. Total breeze to find a chum for the pictures & a pizza on a Tuesday. As to dating 1 free weekend night a fortnight makes it super easy to develop a relationship.

Again, he is not 'losing nights'. He will still have his DD for the same number of nights. He just wants to shift pick up and drop off days a day forward.

And he organised care. But now it's come to an end. And his employer (the one who pays the wage that he needs to pay for his child) cannot accommodate him taking all the Fridays he needs, as leave.
Given that my DD (a nurse) can't find childcare to go even to 8pm, his chances of finding it until 10:30pm on a Friday are vanishingly small.

Yes, it sucks for OP, but I don't see any alternative if he's to keep his job. He's not asking to change out of awkwardness or to facilitate his social life.

The only thing I can think of is that OP arranges a teen babysitter for her nights out, which he pays for.

Yes, as are many others.

you can just admit to not having seen that…