Ex want's his daughter less!!

[Cathrobs22]

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

I think assuming that op is viewing the girlfriends Instagram and talking about her going on a night out and feeling hard done by the fact she isn't.

Is fairly logical assumption to say that's what op wish's to do since it's clear she's jealous of the girlfriend hen the stalking online.

That said we are all human and it's fine to want a night out. What's not fine is to be as difficult as possible with the person you made a human with and expect the new partner to look after your child.

And I'm sorry calling your own child a burden is going to get any eyebrows raised. No matter the situation. That's not how you talk about kids iMO

I didn’t say she was going out on the lash. That’s just you saying I said that to suit your own narrative.
Out on the lash is a very different thing to going out for a few drinks at the pub or out for a meal or to a party. Out on the lash is a bit 18 year oldish.

So I stand by what I said before. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my Friday night out at the book club if my child was with a babysitter and I have no idea who they are and whether my child is happy and comfortable or not.

What on earth are you talking about? The OP is clearly the resident parent and therefore does the bulk of the parenting. Which means he does less.

@AllOfThemWitches you clearly are either projecting massively, or have an agenda. You are in a minority of one in trying to lay the blame at the man’s door and paint him to be some kind of awful parent.

@AllOfThemWitches You were calling dad a shit dad that wasn't interested in having his child 😵‍💫

You made a load of assumptions about dad based on the op of mum and your own general narrative then accusing others of doing just that.

Ironic and nice deflection.

I don't think that making plausible statements against what someone has shared on the op is wrong. I just think it's wrong for you to accuse others of making up a narrative and not being aware of your own and stating what you said as gossip.

This isn't a deadbeat dad by OPs own words. Mum however isn't looking great no matter how you slice it 🤷🏼‍♀️ but on that we agree to disagree .

Gospel** ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's infuriating isn't it, someone says 'oh I can't have dd on 'such n such' days because of work and I can't find childcare. Why do they think that you can sort it?

What happens if you can't have dd on 'such n such days' and can't find childcare? You sort it don't you, it amazes me, that some parents think it's ok to just tell the other parent they simply can't do it.

My ex used to do this, we both worked full time, but it was always up to me to 'sort it', I didn't get the option just to say 'sorry i can't have dd on Thursday and Friday then walk away

You were calling dad a shit dad that wasn't interested in having his child

That's just a lie though. OP states that he does have his kid so 🤷 it doesn't change the fact that OP does the majority of the parenting or that he feels perfectly comfortable in saying 'it's no longer convenient for me to have my child on this night anymore, soz' leaving it for OP to sort. I'm willing to bet OP and most other mothers are not able to do that.

Then she gets a ridiculous pile on for daring to be upset that she is being forced to stop doing something that is obviously important to her.

It's like, as long as a man is involved with the kid he helped to create, he's the best parent ever where OP gets a load of shit even though she is usually with that child.

Exactly.

Obviously my words have been twisted but I expect that here. Unfortunately I think op probably posted hoping for solid advice, bless her.

Erm yes, the GF is perfectly entitled to go out if she wants, she has no obligation to look after yours and your ex's child.

If his mum can't have the child then he will have to pick up Saturday, or change his job.

Leave her out of it. It's between you and your ex.

How were your words twisted ?

You made a statement saying I can't believe your doing x you horrible people, and you did x.

No twisting. Everyone can read what you put.

And yes if you do that type of thing on the internet people will call you out on it.

Since OP a) expected the GF to have the DD b) stalked the GF on social media and complained that she got to go out c) clearly thinks the ex-MIL should still have DD because it's not that much of a journey (lazy MIL, eh?) d) lied in the OP title. Her ex isn't having less time at all, he's just asking to shunt it all along by a day, and e) expressed having her child on a Friday as punishment, I don't think it's that surprising that she's not had a good reception here.

Also if her Friday night plan was work or education related, I'm pretty sure she'd have mentioned it in her OP, to give it leverage.

All the ex has done is ask a favour that work and his MIL have made necessary. In comparison with the OP, he sounds perfectly decent.

pinkyredrose
Are you insinuating that he prefers it when his daughter isn't around?

@AllOfThemWitches

Your response "Umm yes"

• the problem with lying on the internet it keeps a record.

I'm sorry I'm going to have to say that it's not a race to the bottom. Imagine if a dad said he was being punished by having his kid because his ex had to work. There wouldn't be any blessing him he's tried hard.

Rightly so. Because any parent who says this and then in the same breath says well you have a new women in your life she can look after our child is gonna not be a great parent.

Also I don't think that mum isn't allowed a night off, I just think they both have to find a solution and at the heart of it do right by the child.

I’m not sure if this board was the best choice then. Especially on a thread where she mentions she looked at the stepmum’s social media to see what she was up to while these Friday nights are going down. That wasn’t going to gain any positive comments, really.

I do actually feel for her situation as parents do like to make plans on their free time. Op is entitled to enjoy herself as much as anyone else. But co parenting comes with changes sometimes and she’s not being punished if she does end up caring for her own child.

Maybe she should be telling him to negotiate with his employer a different day to work. Aren’t childcare commitments a reason why a shift doesn’t work?

The thing is she is resident parent yet her ex her their DD half of the time (if worked out over the year) and no doubt some more when he takes annual leave from work.

Its perfectly fine to be fed up that regular Friday nights are being affected, but when you have a Saturday night and some ad-hoc Fridays in addition to socialise (on top of weekdays) I don’t see how ex is being unfair. He’s working!

Interestingly, I overheard a guy on the phone today arguing with his ex because he asked for a night to be switched (a one off by the sound of it, not every week) and she was having a go saying he was letting down the kids. He said she changes plans all the time and doesn’t consider that to be letting the kids down so why is it any different.
There seems to be this view by a lot of women that they should get to dictate what happens and the ex should just fall in line, ‘do as I say, not as I do’ because they are mum and if the dad wants to see his kids he has to ask “how high” when she says “jump”. It disgusts me; as a mother who respectfully coparents with my ex and as a wife whose DH’s ex is one of these entitled women.

Notice OP hasn’t come back. I wonder if she is busy arranging mediation to sort out this injustice

@Thelifeofawife excellent post & spot on! Ex & I have always strove to be flexible within boundaries. Dh's ex firmly believes she rules the roost and ALL of us have to agree to her bidding. It's head melting.

She’s probably posing on here, being told her ex is a shit and should be grateful he sees the kids at all

@Thelifeofawife 🙌🏻 nailed it.

@Thelifeofawife spot on 👏🏼👏🏼

takes a bow

OP’s not coming back is she?! I wonder what she did on Friday 🤣

It is not his GFs responsibility to have your daughter when your ex can't. Her social life is none of your business either.

You've said he has her every other weekend for 4 nights. Plus days in the week after school. That would take her to 3 nights every other week and days after school. It sounds like he has a good relationship with her.

What are you concerned about here? Your own social life?

I’d be glad to have my child an extra night!

do you and your ex get along? I wouldn’t want to swap and now include a Wednesday night. If he can’t have her Friday he now gets Saturday to Tuesday in my opinion.

also it is absolutely not the place of the girlfriend to be doing his parenting for him

He offered an alternative, Sat-Weds. I think that is totally reasonable.

The stepmother has nothing to do with it.