Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Ex want's his daughter less!!

251 replies

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:01

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 26/01/2023 14:25

This also has fuck all to do with step-parenting....just saying.

MzHz · 26/01/2023 14:25

so you plans for Friday night trump his need to work? Right.

do what others do and get a sitter or make different arrangements. He’s asking to see her exactly the same but shunting it along a bit.

contact is for your dd to see her dad, not to provide childcare for you. He can’t see her on Fridays so he’s varying the arrangement.

MzHz · 26/01/2023 14:25

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/01/2023 14:25

This also has fuck all to do with step-parenting....just saying.

Yeah, damned right.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2023 14:25

You are being totally unreasonable with your attitude towards the girlfriend and mother. "Surely she'd want to help out a bit" - no. And she's perfectly entitled to feel that way, even if she was doing nothing on those Friday's, but even more so given you are so annoyed because you have plans on Friday's you would have to give up, but somehow expect her to want to do that.

This is between you and your ex, nobody else. Yes that's his contact time and he should find a solution in an ideal world, but in reality I think you're being a bit dramatic by not just being flexible in this case. His life is what it is, changing a day to accommodate it is just mature coparenting really. What are your Friday plans?

TiddleyWink · 26/01/2023 14:26

I’d be fuming if I missed a night a week with my child so they could spend it with their dad’s girlfriend. Another one thinking it’s strange you’re so upset at having her more - it kind of comes across as you’re being more concerned about the inconvenience for you and not the sadness for her that she won’t see her dad as much or have as good a relationship with him.

Sorry but I can’t imagine going to mediation to try and get less time with my child - and why would you want her to spend more time with someone who has had to be pushed into it?!

I think you know you’re being wildly unreasonable thinking his gf has any responsibility to ‘help out’ - she isn’t a parent and has her own life to live. Why on earth would she want to give up all her Friday nights to care for her boyfriend’s child so he can go to work without having to arrange childcare and you can do whatever you want to do?

Sorry but your post makes me feel desperately sorry for your daughter - imagine growing up and finding out your parents went to mediation to argue about who had to have you on a Friday night 🙁

Catapultaway · 26/01/2023 14:26

Wow, I expected to come on saying of course he is being unreasonable... Turns out it's you.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2023 14:27

Also, your thread title is inaccurate and inflammatory. He doesn't want her less, he wants her on the Wednesday instead of the Friday, you said so yourself.

WFHbore2023 · 26/01/2023 14:27

Why don't you get your parents to have your daughter so you can go out on a Friday?

Or ask your boyfriend to sit with her?

Princesspollyyy · 26/01/2023 14:29

You're being totally unreasonable in every sense.

Your daughter is nothing to do with your ex's girlfriend and his mum has a right to say an hours drive (or whatever distance) is too much. Who are you to say anything different?

What your Ex's girlfriend puts on her Instagram is none of your business and if she doesn't have it set to private she needs to now to stop you nosing at it.

RandomPerson42 · 26/01/2023 14:29

It’s OP that wants her daughter less. Don’t know why you had a child.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/01/2023 14:31

yabu to think his gf should pick up for him - she isn't a service drone who exists to make other people's lives easier, and yabu to describe more time with your DD as a "punishment"

yes he's a crap dad. you probably knew this already. yes you should be getting more CMS. CMS should just be based on the days he is reliably having DD in a fixed pattern - ad hoc days fitting in with his shift pattern shouldn't be counted when totting up the money split because you are having to keep yourself available those days to be the default if he can't, so you are still bearing the costs those days.

Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2023 14:31

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 14:07

see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here

Is this a joke?

Nah, Bitch should stay in and babysit instead 🙄

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/01/2023 14:33

Hes working, not partying. And in the slim event that this is real, I can’t believe your entitlement at expecting someone else to give up their plans because you have plans. I’m utterly astounded at your selfishness and unreasonableness. How self centred you are.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/01/2023 14:34

Actually, I wonder why some people have children if time with the Pam due to circumstances beyond the other parent’s control is a punishment.

Anywherebuthere · 26/01/2023 14:36

Not sure why this under step parenting.

Your ex's girlfriend is not obliged to look after your child. She isnt obliged to change her life for your and exs child You really should stop stalking her instagram.

Nor is your exs mother (1 hour is a lot for some people)
Leave them out of it.

Its between you and your ex to figure out. Even parents who live together have to adjust their schedules from time to time as and when its required. Thats what you both need to work out now.

MrsFrugal · 26/01/2023 14:37

OP I don't think you have come across very well on your post.
Its unreasonable to expect anyone else other than you and your ex to look after your DS, if they offer then great its a bonus but certainly shouldn't be expected. I don't think your ex is BU, it sounds like he's managed the arrangement with the help of other up to a point but that can no longer continue. He's not reducing the time he has DS just moving it along a day, I don't think this an unreasonable request from him at all.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/01/2023 14:38

I know she's not responsible but my DD & her have a good relationship so you'd think she want to help out a bit? My DD is 7.

She’s out having fun on Friday nights, as you know from stalking her, why the hell would she want to look after your child so you can go out and have fun on friday nights??

It’s between you and your ex to sort out.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/01/2023 14:39

Also this is not the right board. There’s no step parent here

StarDolphins · 26/01/2023 14:42

I would love an extra night with my DD but everyone me is different. I would just work round it as it’s a work related issue.

nothing whatsoever to do with his GF though, no matter how well they get on, your DD is sole responsibility of you
& your ex.

Anywherebuthere · 26/01/2023 14:42

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:09

He said he'd like to have DD Sat-Wed those weeks but I don't feel that's the point really as I have plans on Friday's! It's just so infuriating.
He said work won't let him block off lots of Friday's so he'll only be able to do a couple every few months.

So you dont want to change your Friday plans for your own child but want his girlfriend to change hers?

That doesnt make sense.

Sellorkeep · 26/01/2023 14:43

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:09

He said he'd like to have DD Sat-Wed those weeks but I don't feel that's the point really as I have plans on Friday's! It's just so infuriating.
He said work won't let him block off lots of Friday's so he'll only be able to do a couple every few months.

He doesn’t want her less, he wants to adapt the arrangement. That’s between you and him. How things work with him and his partner are none of your business.
Frustrating though it may be for your personal plans, you need to consider what’s best for your daughter.

Nimbostratus100 · 26/01/2023 14:44

why is it a punishment to have your child with you on a Friday night?

Why would her father's partner even be in the frame to be considered to be asked to help look after her, except maybe a one off, if you have been rushed into hospital or something?

I dont understand what you want at all

Holly60 · 26/01/2023 14:47

So his work has changed so he's offered a Wednesday not a Friday? I'm failing to see what he's done wrong here...

If you want to go out on a Friday, you should organise a babysitter like many other parents.

CMVB · 26/01/2023 14:48

Imagine referring to having to have your child on a Friday night as a punishment. Christ. Poor girl 😒

GoodnightJude1 · 26/01/2023 14:53

Yea….it’s not his GF responsibility to look after your daughter.

I hope your daughter never hears you calling it a ‘punishment’ to have to have her an extra night.

My exDH has the DC every other weekend and 2 evenings a week. If he called me and said he couldn’t have them because of illness/work/emergency then fair enough, they’re our children and they’ll stay with me. If he rang to say he fancied going out for a drinking session with his mates so wasn’t going to pick up the DC I’d tell him to jog on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread