Ex want's his daughter less!!

[Cathrobs22]

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

@PinkGinny of course mothers can have social lives, don't be ridiculous. The OP will still have a lot of child free time.

This is a weird thread. I'm no saintly mother who never wants a break but I cannot understand seeing my child as a burden, nor being ok with so much time apart.

@saraclara - I didn't suggest he was losing nights just that the loss of a Friday clearly wasn't a big deal.

Why can't he pay for a babysitter for the notional 12 nights a year?

Bit only 1 weekend night per fortnight. How often do you go out Sunday to Thursday? Not to knitting or book club. Put to a pub, restaurant, club, theatre etc?

What he would need is childcare from the end of school until 10:30pm every Friday. That will be close to impossible to find.

But I'm assuming (though she hasn't come back to confirm) that if her Friday thing is social, the mum won't need a sitter until her DD's bedtime or near enough. That is more achievable as there will be teens available and prepared to do it. And as I said, dad could pay for it as it's his situation that is the catalyst.

@PinkGinny regularly! Before I was pregnant again I was going out Tuesday / Wednesday / Thursdays most weeks.

@PinkGinny it's still 1 in 4 weekend nights...

This is ridiculous. She will get a Saturday night every fortnight plus Fridays when ex isn’t working for “weekend” nights out, plus the 3 weekday nights and extras again when he isn’t working (even if they aren’t overnights, as this seems unconfirmed). Who needs more than that to socialise (or date, as someone mentioned) when you have kids?!

I managed to have a social life and date (for nearly a year before introducing my DC to DH) when I only had 1 weekend and 1 weekday night per week, and only extras when my ex took time off in the school holidays.

Did OP not get the memo that your social life takes a bit of a backseat when you are a parent?

I tend to go midweek. Me and my friends all have v young children be weekends tends to be family time for them.

@LyingDogsLie1 and others you socialise mid-week as that suits your circumstances of young children, family life etc. If you are single again without another adult in the house it's far less appealing.

The what / when / with whom of where the OP socialises is to a degree irrelevant. A routine was agreed in mediation ; the ex now has an issue in keeping to that routine - the op is right that is his problem to solve not hers.

They are not together, the child isn't spending those nights with her dad anyway so meh with the poor unwanted child trope, he's not some hero who the op is obliged to support. He's a separated parent whose circumstances have changed and so needs to arrange alternative childcare. Welcome to the real world.

Where's all this available childcare from school pick up to past 10pm every other week?

Choices will range from teens/uni students who probably won't be able to commit to every week or... nope that's it. Absolutely nowhere in my fairly good-sized city is there professional childcare available past 7pm.

If this dad was fortunate enough to find professional childcare available, the chances of them getting every other week is slim. He'd likely then end up paying for weeks he doesn't need.

Hardly great for the child to potentially have a different babysitter every week cos it's the only option available or dad to have less money as he's not got to pay for her place with a childminder out of hours every Friday.

But hey as long as mum still gets her nights out.

As someone mentioned earlier, if the OP is very keen to go out on Friday nights, she could get a babysitter for a few hours (I don't think that would be complicated!?)

Thing is if he is in work and childcare would need to be provided until 10pm the child will already be in bed so wouldn't see either their mother or father and be left with a babysitter.... how sad

I've seen it. She initially says 'a few days' during the week when work allows. I don't think she means overnights, personally.

But whether the extra time is actually days, nights, or overnights the point is he spends extra time with his daughter, which then gives the OP extra child-free time. As I said before, he's hardly an absent father.

Agreed. He’s making an effort to maintain regular contact. He sounds pretty involved. I’m sure op could ask for favours midweek.

ive had to turn down jobs and manage my career around childcare like many women. I bet if cms reduced because dad here did the same op would be posting about that too. Sometimes I think dads can’t win.

Yea, he has regular contact which makes him the greatest dad in the universe compared to all the deadbeats who barely see their kids at all. OP is still doing the bulk of the parenting, is the one expected to go along with whatever he says and the one probably having to give up plans that are clearly important to her.

Oh for god's sake, it's such a waste of time going round in round in circles arguing about who is the most involved parent, who wants their kids the most etc. It's not a crime for either parent to want time off. That's not the point here.

The point is in THIS instance, one parent is working while the other is (as far as OP told us) not. Childcare could possibly be arranged (though possibly not given the awkwardness of the hours) but the fact remains this would probably be more of an upheaval for the child, than simply having a bit of flexibility around non essential plans would be for OP.

So many people here proving my earlier point. Yes, we're all aware they've split and she doesn't "have" to help him. But they are still coparents and it makes sense to work together where possible.

Feel so sorry for the kid

👏🏻

Excellent post @aSofaNearYou

I don’t think I could enjoy my Friday night out knowing my 7 year old is with a random babysitter when she could have been with me instead. Not saying anything bad would happen, but the child might not be happy or comfortable with it.
And seeing as dad’s days aren’t her problem, OP wouldn’t get a say or opinion in who her ex chooses as the babysitter either.

I'm really puzzled as to why everyone is jumping to the conclusion that OP is going out 'on the lash' of a Fri evening. She could be at an exercise class, book club, seeing family... it just goes to show how people form narratives in their heads with very little info to go by.

If the OP is seeing family then she could work out an arrangement for someone in the family to look after her child.

And depending on what exercise/sport it is, then the child could come along and be watched by someone else.

Been involved in both those situations.

However the OP has disappeared so I suspect it is about her going out on the lash.

"Yea, he has regular contact which makes him the greatest dad in the universe compared to all the deadbeats who barely see their kids at all."

"I'm really puzzled as to why everyone is jumping to the conclusion that OP is going out 'on the lash' of a Fri evening. She could be at an exercise class, book club, seeing family... it just goes to show how people form narratives in their heads with very little info to go by."

@AllOfThemWitches both of these statements above are yours. Which is ironic given your last sentence and the summaries you have been parroting on about dad. Given that we have only have what op has said about dad.

But yes it is shocking how some people form a narrative in their heads with very little to go on. You realise you have done just that ?

Anyway I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️