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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex want's his daughter less!!

251 replies

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:01

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/01/2023 18:42

AllOfThemWitches · 27/01/2023 18:23

I mean, he could just say he can't work every second Fri night due to childcare issues like loads of other parents have to.

He has. And his employer could not accommodate it.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 27/01/2023 19:10

AllOfThemWitches · 27/01/2023 18:23

I mean, he could just say he can't work every second Fri night due to childcare issues like loads of other parents have to.

He only works every second Friday, he does shifts, a week about by the sound of it.

Those suggesting he source childcare, how many childminders etc do you know work until 10pm on a Friday night? How many casual babysitters do you know over the age of 18, who are able to collect from school and keep a child all evening?

If only childcare was so readily available it would solve so many issues for so many single parents. Not to mention how many could return to work because they'd be able to take on any shifts offered.

fastandthecurious1 · 27/01/2023 19:14

He should try to arrange alternate childcare but if no family can help then you're a bit stuck, no officials are going to be ok your side as he's working not just deciding he doesn't want his daughter.

See if he can do another ninth to make up for these Friday? But fyi as the girl friend I wouldn't of agreed to pick DD up and watch her alone till 10pm either so don't blame her there

hryllilegur · 27/01/2023 19:51

Why should he try to source childcare for Friday nights?

that is not in the child’s interests. Is it? It’s just because he mum doesn’t want her on a Friday night.

It’s totally reasonable to renegotiate the contact days to fit work schedules. He’s not being derelict in his duty by asking if he can have Wednesday instead of Friday.

Even if it impinges on the OP’s social life.

Changechangechanging · 27/01/2023 21:21

saraclara · 27/01/2023 18:42

He has. And his employer could not accommodate it.

Show quote history

If he were a single mum he would have been told that childcare is his problem, yjat he needs to find childcare, that it isn't his ex's responsibility to be his childcare and that ultimately, he would need to find a job that fits round the children. Why should this be any different?

For what it's worth, I know it's easier if separated couples are flexible and able to work around each other. The reality is that if you have the majority care, you often work your arrangements around when you have/don't have the children. Over the years for me this has meant attendance at medical appointments, work (at one point I worked every other weekend), study to improve job prospects, fun stuff (including stuff I might buy tickets for months in advance), holidays, nights out and sitting with my mother in her care home. Very little was cancellable without potential health mental/emotional or financial implications for me. There are some things that can't be done with a child in tow. Why is it always the mother's responsibility to sort out the difficulties?

saraclara · 27/01/2023 22:21

Changechangechanging · 27/01/2023 21:21

If he were a single mum he would have been told that childcare is his problem, yjat he needs to find childcare, that it isn't his ex's responsibility to be his childcare and that ultimately, he would need to find a job that fits round the children. Why should this be any different?

For what it's worth, I know it's easier if separated couples are flexible and able to work around each other. The reality is that if you have the majority care, you often work your arrangements around when you have/don't have the children. Over the years for me this has meant attendance at medical appointments, work (at one point I worked every other weekend), study to improve job prospects, fun stuff (including stuff I might buy tickets for months in advance), holidays, nights out and sitting with my mother in her care home. Very little was cancellable without potential health mental/emotional or financial implications for me. There are some things that can't be done with a child in tow. Why is it always the mother's responsibility to sort out the difficulties?

Show quote history

If a mother's employer couldn't accommodate a request, the problem could easily be solved by the ex accommodating a minor change to contact days, and he refused because he wanted to be able to go out on a Friday night, MN would absolutely be on the mother's side.

hryllilegur · 27/01/2023 22:36

It should work both ways. Both parents should be willing to work the contact schedule around their work commitments.

The fact is, the OP wanting Friday nights off is not a bigger priority for organising contact than her ex working.

Lots of us know exactly how hard it can be to balance work with family commitments. Lots of people commenting on here have lots of experience of foregoing social things because of childcare. And foregoing work things too.

None of it is going to make us sympathetic to a woman whinging that she’s being ‘punished’ because she doesn’t get child free Friday nights.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 28/01/2023 06:13

fastandthecurious1 · 27/01/2023 19:14

He should try to arrange alternate childcare but if no family can help then you're a bit stuck, no officials are going to be ok your side as he's working not just deciding he doesn't want his daughter.

See if he can do another ninth to make up for these Friday? But fyi as the girl friend I wouldn't of agreed to pick DD up and watch her alone till 10pm either so don't blame her there

He’s already said he’d have another midweek night instead. OP doesn’t want this as she likes her Friday nights off

AllOfThemWitches · 28/01/2023 12:31

DrMarciaFieldstone · 28/01/2023 06:13

He’s already said he’d have another midweek night instead. OP doesn’t want this as she likes her Friday nights off

Show quote history

Yea and I guess he likes his 10/11 nights every fortnight off.

Coffeepot72 · 28/01/2023 12:53

Would the OP prefer him to work less hours (and therefore pay less maintenance)?

LyingDogsLie1 · 28/01/2023 14:50

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 14:07

see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here

Is this a joke?

My thoughts too. I had some sympathy but it was all lost with this comment.

Curriedpeanuts · 28/01/2023 14:55

So, you want his new gf to give up her social life, to look after your kid, so your own social life doesn't suffer?

And you think it's OK for his mum to drive an hour round trip in the dark so you can go out on a Friday night?

And you think having your child for an extra night every other week is a punishment?

Really???????

YABU

pinkyredrose · 28/01/2023 15:05

AllOfThemWitches · 28/01/2023 12:31

Yea and I guess he likes his 10/11 nights every fortnight off.

Show quote history

Are you insinuating that he prefers it when his daughter isn't around?

Cascais · 28/01/2023 15:23

Yabu

roarfeckingroarr · 28/01/2023 15:25

I think it's a bit strange and sad that you don't think Sat - Wed without your daughter is enough time. By all means go to CMS, but I would've jumped at more time with my child.

Eranzer · 28/01/2023 15:28

What a dick head 😂

Changechangechanging · 28/01/2023 15:59

Would the OP prefer him to work less hours (and therefore pay less maintenance)?

statistically the majority are paying no or so,low maintenance that a few less hours would make little to absolutely no difference whatsoever.

Presumably if the OP values having Friday night free, a potential loss in maintenance would work for her?

Caramia23 · 28/01/2023 16:51

I can't see that your ex is doing anything wrong. He doesn't want dd less he just wants to change days. I understand the frustration of shift work but that's hardly his fault. Also it is absolutely not up to his gf to mind YOUR daughter.
I think you are being very unreasonable here.

PinkGinny · 29/01/2023 09:53

So this arrangement will give the OP 1 weekend night per fortnight free? I would tell him no too. He can arrange a babysitter until 10pm when he finishes works, when needed. There are some Fridays he's free.

It isn't his partners responsibility nor his mums for sure, but it also isn't his ex's. He can suck up some childcare costs.

But this oh poor unwanted child as mum wants a social life position is reprehensible and misogynistic. Ffs of course she does. Being a mother does not equal martyr.

Funny the whole step-children shouldn't expect different treatment, they are there to experience day-to-day family life with their dad doesn't apply in this scenario? Day-to-day family life includes for most people babysitters / childcare.

Mintyt · 29/01/2023 09:54

To be fair I think your being a bit hard on him, he doesn't want her less but a just the original plan now doesn't work and needs to be adjusted. I understand you have your plans but sometimes life changes and we have to move with the changes, an hours drive for a elderly person and looking after a child takes its toll.

Caramia23 · 29/01/2023 10:15

@PinkGinny why my dd was younger I'd get a babysitter on weekend nights if I wanted to go out. Yes you could argue here that ex should do same but with younger children it is hard for them to go to the non resident parent & then be handed over to someone else. Yes they do need to experience the norms of family life but that needs to come over time & younger children need to be eased into that with nrps.
I don't think the ex leaving his dd with his dm was problematic at all in that she was the child's dgm. However, that woman now feels too old for the minding (which I totally get) & I don't think either parent should expect a gf to now take on the childminding duties & op's assertion that she should want to help is bang out of order!
Furthermore the ex saying getting a babysitter to collect from school one day a week & stay until 10pm would be difficult is true (& would also be crazy expensive).
If op has set plans on Fridays that cannot be changed she should hire an evening sitter & ask ex to pay if she really feels she must.
I sympathise with op's frustrations but honestly, that's just parenthood for you. Exh & I have had to go through many reschedulings of access arrangements over the years as things change.

OnaBegonia · 29/01/2023 10:23

Have you considered that there may come a day that your circumstances change and you need him to be flexible for your sake?
Don't be that person, being a stubborn arse for the sake of it, have a bit of come and go, nothing is forever.

aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2023 10:30

PinkGinny · 29/01/2023 09:53

So this arrangement will give the OP 1 weekend night per fortnight free? I would tell him no too. He can arrange a babysitter until 10pm when he finishes works, when needed. There are some Fridays he's free.

It isn't his partners responsibility nor his mums for sure, but it also isn't his ex's. He can suck up some childcare costs.

But this oh poor unwanted child as mum wants a social life position is reprehensible and misogynistic. Ffs of course she does. Being a mother does not equal martyr.

Funny the whole step-children shouldn't expect different treatment, they are there to experience day-to-day family life with their dad doesn't apply in this scenario? Day-to-day family life includes for most people babysitters / childcare.

Most couples that were still together would not regularly arrange expensive childcare (that covers picking up from school up to late night) when the other parent was not working. They'd shift things around and the parent would watch them. It doesn't automatically have to be harder than that just because they've separated. Flexibility is not a sign of weakness.

MilkyWaytoday · 29/01/2023 10:33

Jesus I would absolutely hate my ex having my child so much! You get loads of child free time so embrace any extra days. Your poor child. And no it’s not up to the grandma and girlfriend to provide childcare!

Coffeepot72 · 29/01/2023 11:02

Jesus I would absolutely hate my ex having my child so much! You get loads of child free time so embrace any extra days. Your poor child. And no it’s not up to the grandma and girlfriend to provide childcare!

Absolutely. In her opening post, the OP says that in addition to the current Fri-Tues EOW, her ex often does a few extra nights, so she does indeed get a lot of child free time.

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