Page 3 | Ex want's his daughter less!!

Cathrobs22 · 2023-01-26T14:01:24+00:00

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get. Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends? AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work??? I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

Anywherebuthere · 26/01/2023 14:54

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/01/2023 14:31

yabu to think his gf should pick up for him - she isn't a service drone who exists to make other people's lives easier, and yabu to describe more time with your DD as a "punishment"

yes he's a crap dad. you probably knew this already. yes you should be getting more CMS. CMS should just be based on the days he is reliably having DD in a fixed pattern - ad hoc days fitting in with his shift pattern shouldn't be counted when totting up the money split because you are having to keep yourself available those days to be the default if he can't, so you are still bearing the costs those days.

Why is he crap dad? He is working. He still wants to see her the same amount of time.

Even parents who live together have to adjust their schedules from time to time. It doesnt make them crap parents.

Fink · 26/01/2023 14:54

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:17

Yes looking at insta was a low point. It's not regular it's just since all this has kicked off. I know she's not responsible but my DD & her have a good relationship so you'd think she want to help out a bit? My DD is 7.

Thing is we agreed initially at mediation that him having her the entire week when he is working day time would not work because he still has to be at work before she starts school so my DD was being taken to a pre-school club for over an hour and I felt she was very tired these days, so I'm not really for the idea that he has her an extra day in the week. The pattern was working really well that is what is annoying!

But it wasn't working, was it? You haven't said how often this is, just that it's 'some weeks' of his EOW when he's working, that could be every second contact weekend, or it could be twice a year. But however often it is, the arrangement you've got clearly isn't working on those weekends because he's having to send your daughter off to his mother, he's not able to look after her. It might have been working for you, but there are three of you in this and it wasn't working for either him or your daughter.

If you need to get mediation on this, then do, but they will be looking at what's best for your daughter, not whether you have other plans on a Friday evening.

Cassavaflower · 26/01/2023 14:56

You sound awful

Newusernameaug · 26/01/2023 14:56

YABU

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/01/2023 14:57

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/01/2023 14:31

yabu to think his gf should pick up for him - she isn't a service drone who exists to make other people's lives easier, and yabu to describe more time with your DD as a "punishment"

yes he's a crap dad. you probably knew this already. yes you should be getting more CMS. CMS should just be based on the days he is reliably having DD in a fixed pattern - ad hoc days fitting in with his shift pattern shouldn't be counted when totting up the money split because you are having to keep yourself available those days to be the default if he can't, so you are still bearing the costs those days.

It’s not the dad that’s crap here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2023 15:07

You should be allowed to go out Friday nights, as one of your child’s patents but the gf who isn’t should be can wlk

ManyNameChanges · 26/01/2023 15:07

I think a lot of posters are unfair there.
No it's not the gf responsibility to look after his dd.
But how many times are people saying that when you settle down with a man who already has a child, they are part of the package? That its nomal to be involved etc...

The reality is that the dad and gf had a chat and she doesnt want to look after her step child on fridays. So instead if finding a solution to his childcare arrangement, he is giving that responsibility to the OP, including having to reorganise her life so it works for HIM.

I am not surprised she is annoyed tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2023 15:08

Should be cancelling her plans to babysit for you.

ManyNameChanges · 26/01/2023 15:10

Fink · 26/01/2023 14:54

But it wasn't working, was it? You haven't said how often this is, just that it's 'some weeks' of his EOW when he's working, that could be every second contact weekend, or it could be twice a year. But however often it is, the arrangement you've got clearly isn't working on those weekends because he's having to send your daughter off to his mother, he's not able to look after her. It might have been working for you, but there are three of you in this and it wasn't working for either him or your daughter.

If you need to get mediation on this, then do, but they will be looking at what's best for your daughter, not whether you have other plans on a Friday evening.

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Wasnt that the dad's choice though? To have his dd that often after an AGREED negociation.

If he then thinks the best is to leave his dd with her gran, surely that's up to him? I know quite a few parents (non divorced) who do that to be able to work/have an evening for themselves every week....

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2023 15:10

But how many times are people saying that when you settle down with a man who already has a child, they are part of the package?

People should be spending more time saying when you choose to become a parent there will be things you have to sacrifice. You also run the risk of having your child 24/7. You knew what you were getting into…

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/01/2023 15:11

@ManyNameChanges those people saying that are wrong, to be frank. I can't believe you're defending this woman who makes her own child sound like an inconvenience.

Tallulah28 · 26/01/2023 15:13

I’m not sure in what way you consider you’re being punished because he’s asked to change contact arrangements? Do you see the extra night with your daughter as a punishment? It seems to me that he’s making the sensible choice and changing the Friday night contact in a way that causes the least upheaval for your daughter and provides some consistency. I think you’re being unreasonable and petty.

Starlitestarbright · 26/01/2023 15:17

It's to enable him to work not go on ajolly. Jobs are standard 9-5. You are being massively unreasonable his poor dm, she was clearly struggling.id have more sympathy if it affected your working schedule but it sounds like your social calender.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/01/2023 15:20

ManyNameChanges · 26/01/2023 15:07

I think a lot of posters are unfair there.
No it's not the gf responsibility to look after his dd.
But how many times are people saying that when you settle down with a man who already has a child, they are part of the package? That its nomal to be involved etc...

The reality is that the dad and gf had a chat and she doesnt want to look after her step child on fridays. So instead if finding a solution to his childcare arrangement, he is giving that responsibility to the OP, including having to reorganise her life so it works for HIM.

I am not surprised she is annoyed tbh.

Where to start with this. It’s not even her step-child.

Nightynightnight · 26/01/2023 15:28

Of course his girlfriend should not be looking after your child. She has absolutely no responsibility to do anything for your daughter and good for her for maintaining healthy boundaries. If he legitimately can not get access to childcare elsewhere what would you like him to do? Maybe he could give up his job, have daughter full time and you can pay him maintenance? Please don't let your daughter know or hear that her parents are potentially going to mediation to discuss who HAS to take her. I do understand the frustration but what are you really angry about? Is it that you want them to have a good relationship (changing arrangements shouldn't impact that). Is it that he has made the decision (maybe you need to have a think about whether control is an issue for you). Is it that you want Fridays to go and have a nice time? (I get that...I do too but I can't cos I've got kids. ) What is it that's making you mad?

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2023 15:28

But how many times are people saying that when you settle down with a man who already has a child, they are part of the package? That its nomal to be involved etc...

Yeah, by other people like OP who are, frankly, wrong.

Nightynightnight · 26/01/2023 15:33

Cathrobs22 · 26/01/2023 14:17

Yes looking at insta was a low point. It's not regular it's just since all this has kicked off. I know she's not responsible but my DD & her have a good relationship so you'd think she want to help out a bit? My DD is 7.

Thing is we agreed initially at mediation that him having her the entire week when he is working day time would not work because he still has to be at work before she starts school so my DD was being taken to a pre-school club for over an hour and I felt she was very tired these days, so I'm not really for the idea that he has her an extra day in the week. The pattern was working really well that is what is annoying!

And I get that. But you will have to change arrangements as situations change. Part of healthy co-parenting is being able to make these changes without conflict and anger. Your daughter is growing, she will need changes to this arrangement as her situation changes. You're feelings of frustration are understandable but when a situation emerges that no one can help the best thing to do is try to tackle it as positively as possible.

Justalittlebitduckling · 26/01/2023 15:34

Don’t waste your life stalking his new girlfriend on Instagram.

Cornelious2011 · 26/01/2023 15:35

Has to be a reverse.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/01/2023 15:36

Cornelious2011 · 26/01/2023 15:35

Has to be a reverse.

Maybe but there really are parents like this.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 26/01/2023 15:43

Stressfordays · 26/01/2023 14:23

He just wants to shift it a day because of his working pattern and you're annoyed because you can't go out on a Friday now? What a joke.

Bingo.

He's not having her less. He just wants to shift to Sat-Weds instead of the current Fri-Tues. Because of his work. Not his night out.

You're having a tantrum and making out like he's the problem and having your daughter is a "punishment" because you can't go out on Fridays now. How self absorbed and pathetic.

Dontknownow86 · 26/01/2023 15:50

Op if you were still together you'd have the same issue re. Friday's and there would be no third person for you to try and palm your childcare off into. YOU had a child, you're going to have to just take care of them.

Why do you imagine a woman that has presumably so far has made the choice to have no children would rather be looking after one you had, than enjoying herself on a Friday.

Armychefbethebest · 26/01/2023 16:14

I've had mine every night in 5 years because their dad fucked off and abandoned them I would love them to have a relationship but that's not going to happen I'd absolutely support your ex in changing fri-tuesday to sat- weds he's working not out on the piss is he. You sound massively inconvenienced an elderly woman won't do an hour round trip and have her overnight .have her yourself and make plans for Saturday. Compromise rather than demanding is key here.

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2023 16:20

ManyNameChanges · 26/01/2023 15:07

I think a lot of posters are unfair there.
No it's not the gf responsibility to look after his dd.
But how many times are people saying that when you settle down with a man who already has a child, they are part of the package? That its nomal to be involved etc...

The reality is that the dad and gf had a chat and she doesnt want to look after her step child on fridays. So instead if finding a solution to his childcare arrangement, he is giving that responsibility to the OP, including having to reorganise her life so it works for HIM.

I am not surprised she is annoyed tbh.

Funny how no-one says to men who meet women with children that they should expect to be involved looking after them.

LadyJ2023 · 26/01/2023 16:27

The gf is nothing to do with you that's odd in itself ..Also why would you want to push your child onto someone who dosnt want her. Do you really think if pushed the child will be with him probably not he will put her on someonelse.