Ex want's his daughter less!!

[Cathrobs22]

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

Yes but being in a relationship doesn't mean your a parent. Or regular unpaid childcare and like his mum. She has the ability to say no. Rightly so because we got rid of slaves a while ago...

As a mum I would be more sympathetic if dad was asking to drop the time. But he's not he's asking to swap one day for another so he can work.

If you didn't describe your own daughter as a punishment whilst in the same breath trying to maintain some moral superiority over the gf for saying no.

Only two people planned to have children. Those people are legally and morally responsible for working together to find a solution.

He seems like he's bent over backwards to accommodate you tbh.

Grim reading

my DD & her have a good relationship so you'd think she want to help out a bit?

Do you and your dd have a bad relationship then?? Since you, as her actual parent, resent having her some extra nights?

The girlfriend possibly helps out your ex in numerous other ways. But it's not up to you or him whether or not she does, or how she does.

She doesn't owe you any help at all.

I get that this is annoying, but you'll do yourself no favours involving her.

No.

She is not, and never will be, responsibile for picking up your child unless she wants to. Any help she does give you and your ex should be grateful for. You're clearly jealous of her freedom.

Those posters are wrong.
They may be a "package" but that doesn't make the girlfriend a parent. There are two parents who chose to have a child. They need to sort it out like adults without dragging a 3rd person in to it. I don't know why OP is annoyed at the step parent as its nothing to do with them.

@peaceandpotato I imagine she's part of the crowd that thinks of step parents sign up to be willing unpaid servants and she's the mistress of her and by proxy his house.

I had a "friend" exclaim delightedly when her ex got married and said it would be great so sm can have the kids on a Friday night and she would get a regular booze up. I pointed out she may not agree to that, and her response was well I will ex my ex if she hates our children why did she marry him 😵‍💫

• I'm using the term "friend" incredibly loosely as you can imagine this lovely traits also showed up in how she interacted with others...

@hourbyhour101 😵‍💫 indeed!

Also not being funny OP but I think this is the part of mumsnet for stepparenting and your issue here is with the actual parent not the girlfriend but it's nice you see her as a stepparent I guess.

I don't think it's in any way nice that she sees the GF as a step parent when she's just looking for free childcare so that she can carry on with her social life.

It's between you and your ex. Not his gf or his family.

Not sure mediation will solve anything.

You can't make him parent or have your child on the days you want as you are her primary carer.

I don’t think OP is coming back, she’s off looking for a mug babysitter so she can still get down to the spoons on Friday night.

That's a point. It does make a change from the posters who go WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS SHES ONLY A GIRLFRIEND

The Spoons 😂😂

How is he a crap dad? He's working. All he wants is to change a night as his mum feels she's no longer able to provide childcare.

I feel for you OP & can sense the bitterness. I’m guessing your ex has taken a toll on your emotions and you’re in a mindset of maybe not looking at the bigger picture as you don’t want him being able to dictate your life.

my advice, be as amenable as possible. Put you DD thought & feelings first and you can hold your head up high.

if it’s any help my ex does shifts too, but seemingly can only have the DC for 3-4 hours once or twice a month. I get about 2 days notice & he rings to ask to drop off early. I think as ex’s go, yours is actually putting in a decent effort to co-parent

My dh often worked away so I was often alone with my 4 at this age. Friday night was pizza snd film night. Pjs and pop with mummy having a glass or two. It was blooming bliss. She's 7 op she will be off on her own Friday night fun all too soon trust me. The gf/gran don't have to help and if so so grudgingly your dd would know. Just enjoy her

Yabu

All he wants is to change a night as his mum feels she's no longer able to provide childcare

He agreed to have his child on a Friday. Now he can no longer palm off his responsibility to his mum, he expects the OP to change her plans to accommodate that fact. I completely understand that his partner is not responsible for picking up his slack here but what exactly is he doing to solve the problem? Has he investigated childcare? Has he asked for an earlier finish at work? Why is it the OP has to change her plans (and the assumption is she just goes out but what if it’s work or study?) and not him?

Absolutely

It isn't his girlfriend's responsibility;even if you understand it's not the girlfriends responsibility you're also very unreasonable to expect her "to want to help".It isn't up to her to give up whatever she's doing on a Friday to accommodate her boyfriends custody arrangements.

This is between you and your ex and only between the pair of you.

Ahhh I miss those days so much, when I was newly divorced and it was me and my daughter against the world. Sadly she's grown up now and left home. Would do anything to have her back 🙁

I agree. This has nothing to do with step parenting. It’s bordering on offensive when aggrieved exes post like this on stepparenting.

The OP has an issue where her ex has asked to change the contact arrangement because of his work. His elderly mother had been helping him to meet her insistence that she must get Friday night off, but she’s too frail to cope any longer with an overnight.

Does the OP display any compassion for her exMIL? No. She’s annoyed and looks to the nearest woman to her ex and decrees that it’s her job. Stalks her on instagram and is complaining that she dares to go out with her friends when she should be staying in to look after the OP’s child.

Make a sensible agreement with your ex - which consider his work schedule properly, because it IS a higher priority for the children than you going out on a Friday night. He’s not being lazy or passing up his responsibilities; he’s trying to balance them so that he can spend time with his children and work (and pay you maintenance to support the children).

And leave his GF out of it. I hope she realises that she needs to block you on
SM.

He agreed to have his child on a Friday. Now he can no longer palm off his responsibility to his mum, he expects the OP to change her plans to accommodate that fact. I completely understand that his partner is not responsible for picking up his slack here but what exactly is he doing to solve the problem? Has he investigated childcare? Has he asked for an earlier finish at work? Why is it the OP has to change her plans (and the assumption is she just goes out but what if it’s work or study?) and not him?

What he's doing to try and solve the issue, is asking OP for some flexibility. That is actually an option, you realise.

When couple's are still together they will often have to work around each other, change plans because work has changed etc. They are the team responsible for their DC and they need to work together to make it work. When they've split and are no longer a unit, it's easy to get very hung up on the righteous indignation of "why should I", and the fact they don't like their ex, aren't with them and don't feel you should have to help them out. And yeah, sure, if it's putting you out you should feel free to say no, they can't demand you do things that are a problem for you. But if it is possible to accommodate, well you're only making your own coparenting harder and your own child's life difficult by being totally rigid out of principle of not helping your ex.

It's highly unlikely that Op would not have mentioned if her plans on Friday's were also work related. Sure, he could look into expensive childcare options that could potentially impact his ability to provide for his DD (from the sounds of things he's already spoken to his work and he's run out of free family childcare options), but it is not unnatural to first see if things can be shifted around with his coparent at no extra cost to either of them. This would be the first port of call for most parents.

I agree. This has nothing to do with step parenting. It’s bordering on offensive when aggrieved exes post like this on stepparenting. so true. It's like they think "I have a problem with my ex, but I don't want to moan about him so I'll focus on his new partner, and moan about her to other people who may be in her position"

Given the OP’s tone and wording, I’m going to guess that Friday nights were never what he wanted. He probably had to agree to it in mediation because the OP was refusing to budge.

So he had to agree to something that meant he needed to ‘palm off’ his dd to his mum so he can work. That won’t have been anywhere near his first choice of contact agreement.

Isn’t it amazing that this gets framed as ‘palming off’ but the OP isn’t ‘palming’ her DD off so she can go out on a Friday night. 🙄

@aSofaNearYou That seems the best solution really. My DH and his ex always ask each other first if they can't do the contact that week. It works well and amicably, it means both of them can go on holiday and special events with or without the children depending on what's important at the time. Ex needed an operation so natural answer was for DH to "have" the kids for the recovery period.

Got to feel a bit sorry for the kid that their dad's having difficulty looking after them but mum can't be arsed and thinks someone else should be doing it instead.

Trust me, there is nothing more shit as a mediator than having to facilitate a conversation when one parent wants their child/ren less and the other is having a fit at losing their “free time”. I always feel desperately sorry for the kids as parents argue about “who has to have them”.