Ex want's his daughter less!!

[Cathrobs22]

Been split 3 years, ex husband works shifts (some times day time and some times evenings) and has our daughter Fri-Tues EOW with a few extra days in the week when he works at a time he can pick her up from school. This was agreed at mediation and I demanded a yearly calendar with dates he was having her as I need to be able to plan our life! It wasn't as simple as set days EOW due to shift work which I get.
Anyways on the Friday's where he was working evenings he was getting his mum to pick up DD from school & have overnight. Fine. But I received an email from him to say that she no longer feels up to having DD overnight as she's quite elderly now & doesn't like the long drive (I mean it's only about an hour round trip). So he said that he will have to change pick up to Saturday mornings now those weekends?
AIBU to think this is totally out of order? Surely this is his issue to fix not mine. He says he can't get a babysitter to pick up from school & have DD until 10pm at night (ok) but he has a girlfriend, they live together, so surely she can help out too? I see on her Instagram that she goes out those Friday's with family or friends and I just feel like I'm being taken for a mug here. Or at the very least he uses some of his annual leave from work???
I've demanded we go back to mediation as this is what he agreed and I shouldn't be punished that his child care has fallen through. I will also going via CMS as he is now having DD less!

He's working. His employer won't let him book enough Fridays off to make this work.

As for 'palming off', words fail me. Do you accuse mothers using childcare or after school club of palming off their responsibility?

The guy is just trying to move everything along by one day because of his work. Not so he can hang out with his mates.

OP is being entirely disingenuous with her thread title.

It's not his mum or gf responsibility to have your child.

I shouldn't be punished??

Wtf your poor daughter that you seem to see her being with you an extra night as a punishment.

Personally I wouldn't want my daughter staying at his mums on a regular basis. It's too much back and forth. She wouldn't know where she is going to be.

Also I don't think I could part with my daughter Fri to Wed. Too many days

I can imagine.

My H and his ex have (I came to realise) always been like this about their children. Even before they split, I think the focus was always on getting time away.

After they split, the contact negotiations were about free time not time with the children. And balancing that free time against maintenance received and paid.

It took me a while to recognise it because I always started from the assumption that I’m a parent 100% of the time and I have to negotiate contact in DS’s interests. I frame it as time without rather than time off and - unless I have made actual plans - I’m generally happy to get an extra night of DS’s company. Or to shift things around if his dad’s away so that they still get time together.

That said, we’ve never needed mediation. We just agreed things and maintain flexibility. Similarly maintenance we just agreed it without needing the CMS to tell us (even via the calculator) and he’s flexible about contributing to big costs or just buying stuff if necessary. There’s never any squabbling over things.

My H and his ex… maintenance to the penny of the calculator figure and regular proof that the calculator figure is right. Mediation to try to maximise time off while minimising financial losses in both sides. And contact is about the appearance of brilliant parenting. It’s measured in meals out, days out and stuff bought.

It took me a while to recognise the fundamental mismatch in values between H and me. Reading MN makes me realise that quite a lot of people view things more like H than like me.

It’s a shame the thread title doesn’t reflect that the OP resents having her DD and sees a change in contact as punishment.

I think you are extremely unreasonable. Your ex hasnt said he wants her less, he needs to change a friday for a Wednesday because of WORK. Its likely mediation would agree with this as he is offering a decent suggestion.
Its lovely grandma got to see her weekly, but if shes not upto it whether its a 5 minute drive or an hour, thats her choice. Not for you to judge.
As for exs gf, she is irrelevant in all of this. Great she has a good relationship with your DD, but doing every other Friday is not helping out occassionally its a committment. It could potentially change the relationship between gf and DD too.

You are clearly annoyed that your Friday plans have to change, but think its ok for an unrelated female to change hers!?

Id be delighted if my ex wanted my DD less and i had an extra fridays.

Not the grandparents responsibility
Not the girlfriends responsibility
Stop stalking the girlfriends social media
Either offer to drop your child to the grandmother or move from fri-tues to sat-wed - he's not even saying he wants less time just a different day
Suggesting he takes annual leave won't last long even if he could take very Friday off and then you'll be back on here in the summer saying he won't have your child in the summer holidays more because he has no annual leave
Stop causing drama because you have Friday night plans. He is in work

Lol!

This, absolutely! Clearly the dad just agreed to Fridays to accommodate OP, otherwise he would have had from Saturdays to begin with.
Now that grandma can’t help out he’s trying to find a solution and is suggesting a shift in days, not less days! OP you clearly feel aggrieved about losing your Friday night but you still have 4 other nights where you can do something.
For someone who works shifts I think dad is stepping up and co-parenting well, even when he’s not having DD overnight he’s picking her up from school when he can.
He is doing his best around his work schedule, the work that provides the maintenance he pays you, but you’re trying to make out he’s a shit dad because you can’t go out on a Friday like his girlfriend can?!

I was a single mum for years, my ex had DC 2 nights a week, no extra school pick ups/drop offs on top of that because of his work. I had to fit my work and my social life around that. Not once have I ever thought or accused him of being a shit dad! Yes it was hard at times and yes it was upsetting that he had more earning potential (meaning he could give DC more than me) but I never felt aggrieved at having my DC so much.

For the record I’m also a stepmum. I help my DH but we don’t have his DC unless he is here, despite me having a very good relationship with his DC. I would have been inclined to offer to help his ex but she’s shown a similar attitude to you OP (very entitled) and shown me zero respect, so any help or support she needs she has to get from her own family & friends, unless DH is available.
You get out what you put in.

No one is saying you can’t still go out on a Friday night sometimes. I’m sure your ex’s mum would have DD now and again if you dropped her off instead.
And no doubt your friends would happily go out on a Saturday if they know your situation too.
You need to look at all of this from a different angle

I'm sure you will also have some stupid comment to make when he reduces his CSA payments because he has had to reduce his hours at work so the poor mother gets to have a free night on a Friday.

Every single reply you make screams bitter ex 🤣

@Moredrama
Love your reply!

OP ain't coming back. She's down Spoons getting an early start in on the Stella.

🥳

She won’t be back because the responses weren’t ‘aww hun, what a cow. You deserve your time off’.

Not sure why his girlfriend should give up what she wants to do so that you can do what you want to do.
You’re the mum, so out of you and his girlfriend it should be you missing out on these things so that your DD is cared for.

Maybe don’t look at her social media in future and then you won’t know what she’s up to. Ignorance is bliss and all that. Might do you some good.

So you think it’s a father’s responsibility to make sure his child is cared for on his time or not?

you can’t debate or discuss without resorting to personal, nasty comments?

When couple's are still together they will often have to work around each other, change plans because work has changed etc. They are the team responsible for their DC and they need to work together to make it work. When they've split and are no longer a unit, it's easy to get very hung up on the righteous indignation of "why should I", and the fact they don't like their ex, aren't with them and don't feel you should have to help them out.

Yes!

And just so we’re clear, I’ve brought up 3 children without a penny from their father. I believe strongly that maintenance should be paid but I personally never needed his money. They have seen their father weekly - no interference from me - 2 choose not to bother with him now they are in their teens.

@Changechangechanging I have to agree with a previous poster - your responses do sound bitter

Trust me, there is nothing more shit as a mediator than having to facilitate a conversation when one parent wants their child/ren less and the other is having a fit at losing their “free time”. I always feel desperately sorry for the kids as parents argue about “who has to have them”.

@Flatandhappy that does sound very sad. I always assumed each parent fought to have maximum time with their children, but it seems that’s not the case

I think you're wrong here, sorry. It's not grandma or girlfriend's responsibility and if he's working or his shift patterns change then you perhaps need to be more flexible. This is coming from a woman who had a night out once a year as my ex has no contact at all with our DS. YABU.

I think you're wrong here, sorry. It's not grandma or girlfriend's responsibility and if he's working or his shift patterns change then you perhaps need to be more flexible. This is coming from a woman who had a night out once a year as my ex has no contact at all with our DS. YABU.

@TheFormidableMrsC I agree. I never understand why some people insist on these ‘set in stone/never to be varied’ arrangements because real life just isn’t like that. But that’s a whole other thread!

I think you need to change the title of your thread to I want my daughter less!!

Well it is Friday after all 😂

I think you need to change the title of your thread to I want my daughter less!!

Indeed!

To be honest it sounds like you find your dd an inconvenience and are happy for her to be turfed out to random girlfriends etc as long as you are free to have your Friday nights.

how about putting your DD first and seeing what she wants?

I mean, he could just say he can't work every second Fri night due to childcare issues like loads of other parents have to.