H being ridiculous over a bauble

[Kikkk]

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

Where has the op said that the SC live with her and dh?

I’ve looked back but maybe I’m missing something here.

Good on your husband for sticking up for his older children. Him buying baubles for his older kids won't fly - the message your parents are sending is that they only consider 1 child out of 3 to be family. However nonchalant teens and tweens seem about this kind of stuff, that really hurts. Very grateful my parents and step parents didn't pull that kind of nonsense - whatever the issues were among the adults (and there were plenty!) the grandchildren - including steps - got treated equally all the way through.

At 11 and 14yo I'm sure that my dc would have rather not been given a personalised bauble they'd have had to pretend they were grateful for.

Why wouldn’t the children stay at their father’s house and by extension also their home? They may stay at their mother’s house more (have no idea here) but as minor children they shouldn’t be seen as guests in their father’s house.

If these are on public display on a tree I don't think it matters who they live with - he sounds very much involved in his childrens lives and shares care enough to worry they do t have a bauble on the tree .

I really don't think step families work with this dynamic.

Those kids are all equally his if not ops- and it would
Matter to me that they feel included in family dynamics.

But that's just me .

That’s is the point , if my parents did this I would be the one saying “ I’m getting the exact same ones for the step children “ . My partner would not need to have a go at me because I would be the one saying they would need to be included .

I still have special tree decorations that my sister bought me - not expensive, just wooden carved decorations- but I love and treasure them .
Maybe I was a weird teen . But something that personal meant a lot to me .

Usual load of stuff - the grandparents are not GPs to the SC. Let Dad buy 2 personalised baubles.

Agree completely. I feel very sad for the children. Thankfully their Dad is in their corner. I just simply cannot imagine anybody I know treating someone else like this. Even my horror of a MIL brought gifts and a personalised advent calendar for my BIL’s step children, whom she hadn’t even met at that point.
Obvious where OP gets her mindset from though eh.

I don’t see the big deal.

It’s not like OP has bought it.

If the kids do ask, you just need to say ‘ah yes, baby’s GP bought it’.

It’s not like it was brandished in front of them, while they were given a lump of each.

Lump of coal each

Thank you. When I suggested it should have occurred to the OP to buy 2 more, I was accused of being sexist 🙄

I never suggested that SC should be seen as guests, I was merely asking where the op said they lived there, (as I don’t believe she did).
But if the SC live most of the time at thier mothers would explain why Ops parents don’t have a relationship with the kids.

I've read the word bauble way too many times for one day in this thread.

It's clearly not about the hanging thing, it's about your dh's feelings for his kids being less important in the family, rightly or wrongly. He may have unresolved fears that he's left his kids behind and they feel that. Blended families sound great, let's all blend together as one. The reality is often let's have my kids to stay one night out of seven and miss them the other six. Face it. No ones fault, it is what it is but so many people struggle with the fact they don't live full time with their kids. A little more understanding of where he is coming from but verbalising poorly is needed.

Your parents are BU for not treating all children of the family equally. You have a lovely DH who prioritises the emotional health of his children.

Asking if they live there is assuming they are potentially just guests, no? Why would they not live at their fathers house? If you are asking how often they reside there then that’s a different question.

What a lot of drama over a bloody bauble (particularly MNs posters).

The DSC will get all sorts of things from their mother whilst OP’s child doesn’t. And they will get all sorts from their maternal GPs too which the OP’s child doesn’t. Should they refrain from bringing to OP’s home unless OP’s child has one the same too?

This is easily resolved by OP’s DH getting off his backside and buying additional baubles if he thinks it’s an issue. Problem solved. Instead it seems to be all up to the OP and her parents to resolve.

OP’s parents don’t have to buy sentimental gestures for her DSC anymore than DSC’s maternal parents need to buy for OP’s child.

My step children have two sets of very involved grandparents.

And do they all buy presents for the OP's child? I wouldn't think so. And yet that's the logical step if the OP's parents are expected to buy presents for the OP's stepchildren.

The simple solution is for the OP's husband to make sure each of the children have a personalised Christmas bauble by going to buy them himself.

Obvious where OP gets her mindset from though eh.

Sadly yes, very obvious.
My brother is with a woman who has a 19yo daughter. Before I even met her daughter I included her if I bought gifts for my nieces/nephews - i just saw her as part of the family. My mother has included her from day 1 equally with her "biological" grandchildren, even though my mother rarely sees her.
I understand that grandparents' feelings may not be as intense for biological grandchildren and step-grandchildren - but when doing something as obvious as buying a gift, such as a personalised bauble, all children should be treated equally.

Whether the DSC care or not is surely by the by. If you are going to honour a child on the tree all of your children should be honoured in this way. It should matter to you and your DH that they dont feel left out.

As an aside, if your DC is quite young then it makes sense that the GP's havent seen much of DSC. As your baby grows up and has birthdays etc surely your DSC will naturally see more of DSC and form more of a relationship as time goes by. They might never be viewed as real Grandparents but they are likely to be more than family friends if DSC are involved in your lives.

Why would the stepchildren’s mother’s parents buy presents for a child that doesn’t live in the house with their daughter? If the mother had stepchildren then yes I’d hope her parent’s would see that as children they didn’t chose this step up and treat them fairly.

I buy my sister’s stepchild gifts as I would any other niece or nephew. The gifts are opened at my sister’s house. I wouldn’t buy my stepniece’s sibling (her mother and stepfather’s child) a gift because the child does not live with my sister or see her half sister open gifts from me. It’s not a difficult concept really.

Why would they?

This isn't about a bauble it's about your husband being hurt because your parents don't regard their son in laws elder children as part of their family ( I've a feeling you don't either ) I'm a step mother and step gran what's his are mine too

From your posts, I'm guessing that your step-children don't live with you 50/50 or the majority of the time or 50/50, hence your parents barely know them? If that's the case, your parents probably just didn't think to buy them baubles, it wasn't a deliberate exclusion, and they'd be mortified if they knew how much upset it's causing.

If it's really bothering your DH, I agree that he should buy two more baubles himself and if I were you, I'd have a quiet word with your parents after Christmas. You don't have to make a big issue of it, but it's better to let them know that your DH was upset than risk this happening again.

@Kikkk mountain out if a molehill isn't it!

like you say, your 11 & 14 yo SDC aren't going to give a flying that your parents bought the baby a fecking bauble.

if they had been 1,3,5 maybe and your parents might have decided to buy the SDC one each n that case. But it's a reasonably expensive item & buying 2 extr for kids that you don't have GO/GC relationship with us unnecessary. Your parents buy them presents, they don't ignore them, the SDC have 2 sets of involved GP's

youre going to need to talk to him properly or this will grow & grow.

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