H being ridiculous over a bauble

[Kikkk]

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

It really shouldn't be this hard and it always seems once the DW has her DH the DSC are pushed out. They DW get very selfish and to think the DSC won't notice it is actually stupid because they do.

As for this, do you actually have any evidence of this or are you just buying into a MN cliche? Because there is no evidence of that here and there rarely is when it is said on here. These are completely empty words.

@Wiluli You think they explained it "so well"? It was barely even coherent! And you're "tired of explaining" why it's a problem for OP to exclude her DSC, yet have still failed to see that it isn't even her doing so. It's her parents, who have a different relationship with them to the one she has. She is not personally excluding them.

This is just mind numbingingly bizarre thinking. Since when have people bought gifts for "everyone in the household" instead of the people they know? When my friends buy me birthday presents I don't say "the gesture should have been extended to my DP as they know he is in the household". It would be staggeringly entitled if so.

The problem is some people assuming that the only possible intention behind a personalised bauble is to get one for everyone in the house, rather than (in this case) for all your own DGC across multiple houses. Not everyone will jump to the former conclusion, and if you do then it's very easy for you to just pick some up yourself. To be upset that not everyone thought of it like that is self absorbed.

And him stifling his youngest DC's relationship with their DGP because HE is offended they don't see his older kids who he has barely taken to see them as their own DGC would be HIGHLY selfish.

Yes look at it like this when the older 2 step siblings get say an Ipad of their maternal grandmother (which they are clearly going to bring to dads house to play) should those people who are NO RELATION to OPs DS also by OPs DS one?

The step children HAVE a mother and maternal grandparents of their own, they do not need another set of grandparents they dont know who arent related to them. They are NOT 'missing out' on having grandparents they already have the same as OP DS just from their own mothers side.

Each grandchild has their own equal family, if OP parents give to DSC then they get MORE than DC so its not longer 'even' its favoritism to the step kids.

People seem to be confusing a step kid (who has a full family + some odd bonus members) with an adopted orphan (where you are their new family because they dont have one).

This isn't a case of unfairness that OPs kid gets pizza and cake while wearing designer clothes in a big ensuite bedroom while the step kids eat gruel and sleep in the cold garage in rags (its not fucking cinderella, people need to lay off the fairytales) its a bauble bought by someone who is nothing to step kid. Same as if OPs DS get a gift from HIS god mother or from a friend from school, its NOTHING to do with step kids and they wont be upset by it because they will be busy opening THEIR gifts from THEIR maternal family.

I'd imagine, if I was a 14-year-old being given a personalised Christmas bauble by someone I barely know, my reaction would be "thanks but why?".

People saying its the same as if a gift is given by a friend or god parent, should all dc recieve one etc etc are spectacularly missing the point.

OP said all the DC in her family get a bauble from her parents each christmas.
Thats a lovely tradition.

However it very clearly does not extend to the children in the family who are not related by blood to her parents. OP married a man with DC. Not her parents fault. However that is the situation whether they like it or not. By buying a bauble for ALL the dc and excluding the dsc sends a very clear message that 'you are not actually considered part of our family'.

It is that that her DH has taken offence to I imagine.

The DSC may well not give a hoot about recieiving a bauble. But I bet they will certainly be fully aware of the message it is sending.

So what if the parents do not have a relationship as such with the DSC. They still exisit. And they are still part of OPs family. To completely leave them out of something which has traditionally included ALL children in the family is really quite shit of them.

My parents very rarely saw my DSC, but each xmas/birthday they gifted them a small gift, and included them on any joint gifts aimed at all the DC etc. Because to not do that would make them total arseholes basically.

Because those children are not in HER family... they are her step children not raised by her as the mother so basically they are just in laws to her side of the family.

My uncle married into our family, I do not buy his family gifts because they are not MY family, they are my aunts inlaws but nothing to do with me.

ONLY OP married into DH family, he parents did NOT and these are NOT their grandchildren or in HER parents family.

Honestly people demand gifts from someone the are no relation too are cringy and shameless as fuck.

Because those children are not in HER family... they are her step children not raised by her as the mother so basically they are just in laws to her side of the family.

They are in HER family though. They became family when OP and her DH got married. But clearly they have the same view as you, in that they are not blood related so therefore not considered 'proper family'.

Honestly people demand gifts from someone the are no relation too are cringy and shameless as fuck.

They are half siblings to their grandchild!

They are step children to their daughter.
They are children to their son in law (or is he not 'family' either)
They are step grandchildren to them. Whether they like it or not, thats how it is since their daughter got married.

Leaving these children out of something given to all the children in the 'family' is just arsehole behaviour.

Could be worse - parents of a colleague of mine bought beautiful embroidered Christmas stockings for the whole family as they were spending Christmas all together…

The two grandparents.
colleagues brother, his wife, and two nieces.
Colleague, her husband, her two daughters and their son.

Didn’t bother for colleagues step-son or her brothers step-daughter. Even though they’d be there too.

If that’s the case, then why does her DH exclude them by not taking them to events for ‘their’ family? So your purposely exclude them, then complained they’re treated differently.

Can’t have it both ways!

@Bookworm20 it's not arsehole behaviour at all. As many people have attested on here, their family is not like you are saying all families must be, families are all different. My DSS is not in my parents family, and they are not in his. This is not controversial or upsetting to anyone involved, it's an honest reflection of the fact that they barely know each other. I am in my DSS's family but that's as far as it goes. My DSS spends lots of time with both of his sets of grandparents and has never given the slightest indication he is remotely interested in getting to know my parents.

To say it is unequivocally arsehole behaviour to not have that relationship is stupid. It's not wanted or expected by everyone.

I didn't say it was arsehole behaviour to not have that realtionship @aSofaNearYou . I was saying it was arsehole behaviour to leave out DSC when all other DC in the family were being treated the same.

And OPs DH obviously thinks there is enough of a realtionship there to consider OPs parents behaviour in this same vein.

Every family is different. I for one though could not leave out a DSC from something all other blood related children were getting. I just couldn't do it.

No they are OPs HUSBANDS family... not her parents family.

Im not blood related to my step dads family but he full on raised me as my dad in absence of my actual father, he is my dad blood or not and I was their grandkid... it's ENTIRELY fucking different to my step mother who showed up occasionally to pick me up when deadbeat dad couldnt be bothered who is not in ANY way my 'mam' to (more like an aunt) and whose family I DO NOT KNOW and have NEVER met in 30 fucking years.

Why would they buy me a gift? I have never once bloody expected one, in fact the thought that my fathers wifes parents might buy me gifts never ever crossed my mind because I don't know them. I also have NEVER known what they bought for step siblings either, it literally never once came up in convosation (just link in OP where they werent even there when this bauble was handed over, they have no idea where it came from and will tie fuck all sentiment too it).

If you cant grasp that theres entirely different types of step family and OP is clearly the latter and her family dont even know these kids then you lack basic thought and understanding.

It's nothing to do with blood or not its to do with relationship, a relationship with fucking strangers they dont know who AREN'T their family they are just related to their step mam who is just the wife of their dad.

Also 'all other children' on top of them not even knowing OP DS got this bauble they definately are not going to know OPs DS COUSINS got anything, they obviously dont know OP neices and nephews... I mean jesus christ how far into this unrelated family tree that they dont bloody know are you going to dive.

If you don't view it as arsehole behaviour to not have a grandparent/grandchild relationship then it does not make sense for it to be arsehole behaviour to not get them a gift they are giving to all their own grandchildren. It just doesn't stack up.

Still curious to know whether the grandparents should rewrite their will to expressly include the step-grandchildren they have barely met, so all the kids are treated equally?

The grandparents in any blended family set up are not obliged to treat step children like their grandchildren.

I see the usual argument has been trotted out that resident DC are advantaged by having both parents living together therefore their feelings aren't as important as their siblings. It's funny how a resident DC is allegedly able to understand and not be upset by their half siblings receiving more presents because they live across two households, yet a DSC couldn't possibly be expected to understand that their half sibling might get things from their extended family on the step parent's side.

I see the usual argument has been trotted out that resident DC are advantaged by having both parents living together therefore their feelings aren't as important as their siblings.

What I find very interesting about that, is that it only applies to dad’s younger children. Never the mum’s funnily enough.

Mum can have more children and nobody thinks her older child is hard done by because of it. Nobody trots out how “lucky” her younger child is to have mummy and daddy together.
I imagine most mums would tell someone to fuck off if they told her to give her younger child less love, less experiences, less presents, less space in the house, less money etc… simply because they live with mummy and daddy.

Yum sushi

It's a fucking bauble

For example, my DSC don't have a relationship really with my extended family. But at the same time he never brings them to any family events instead choosing to either come alone if it's their time with their mum or stay home with them if it's their time with us. His choice but don't then throw a tantrum when they aren't seen as family by my family 🤷‍♀️

^^ basically this ... don't expect to have your kids treated like GC if you don't teach ur kids to treat them like GP!!!

Anyone saying the grandparents should have got SC one is ridiculous! They might hardly know them, personalised baubles arent cheap and she already has to buy 3 minimum...its something they find special for their grandchildren, that they love.

The guilt that everyone, even wider family are made to feel is incredibly unfair in 'blended families'. SC know who their family members are and shouldnt expect stuff from everyone - esp when they get 3 (possibly 4) times the amount of stuff the other children get. It doesnt teach kids anything.

All kids should be taught that you cant just expect people to get you things, if they do then great, be appreciative and thankful if they dont then do be it.

DH can go get one if hes that bothered

This is why christmas gets so stressful. We're on page 21 and it's just a bauble. I know obviously that's coz loads of people are involved but it just highlights to me how much pressure can be placed on one tiny part of Christmas in a "blended" family.

Well I hope this has been sorted out because it wasn't just the bauble obviously.

The whole lack of caring on how SC would feel seeing this on the tree.

@Kikkk

You should update the thread.

Many people would like to know what's happened since if it's been resolved if it has then happy for you all. Enjoy Christmas.