H being ridiculous over a bauble

[Kikkk]

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

I think it's just about common decency and how to make children feel wanted and part of a family.
They're quite young to have to
Process they don't figure in certain family dynamics. It's
Just basic empathy and decency isn't it ? For the sake of a couple
If extra baubles?

Why would the stepchildren’s mother’s parents buy presents for a child that doesn’t live in the house with their daughter? If the mother had stepchildren then yes I’d hope her parent’s would see that as children they didn’t chose this step up and treat them fairly.

@Flapjackquack

Oh finally, someone else who sees that you are comparing two totally different scenarios. I see that bandied time and time again on here, and it's baffling

The step children do not see.OP's.parents as their grandparents. This has been made clear by OP several times. They have barely met.them, and they already have two sets of very involved grandparents.

They are not missing out in any way. They are very significantly older than the baby, for whom a keepsake bauble that can be bright it every year, is an appropriate gift, and they're unlikely to want one for themselves.

DH.is being irrational.

The ops parents don’t have a relationship with their ‘daughters’ SC. They barely know them. So that is in no way comparable

but why not? The Op presumably has been together with her dh for some years for her to have made the decision to marry someone who already had dc, then arrange the wedding, and to have had a child together and this being the child's 2nd Christmas. surely the Grandparents would have met the dsc plenty of times. I don't think many people are saying they should buy them equal number of presents, but this is much more symbolic, about a home where there are 3 children, having personalised bauble for just one of them. It will be sitting there for however many weeks implying there is only one child that is part of that household.

Kind ma hurts more because it is small

Why would they have done? Presumably they go to see their father, not to build a relationship with OP’s parents. Their presence isn’t required for OP and her son to see her parents.

the fact that OP married a man with children does not oblige her parents to act as grandparents to them. The fact that some choose to run their families that way does not mean that it is the only way for a family to operate, and that everyone has to conform to that particular standard.

What is a 14-year-old and an 11-year-old really be bothered about a bloody bauble?

When one adult chooses to marry another adult who has children from a previous relationship, the adults have a responsibility to ensure that the children feel included in the new family dynamic. The OP wasn’t forced to marry her DH (I hope), so she chose to take on the position of being a stepmother, her stepchildren are her family as much as her husband is whether she likes it or not. No one is suggesting she can’t see her parents without her stepchildren! People are suggesting the OP be a little more considerate of her stepchildren’s feelings and how she includes them in the family. Part of family life is seeing wider family. It’s odd that she has married and had a child with her husband and over that time her stepchildren have not really had anything to do with her parents?

The fact the OP and some posters see the stepchildren as solely her husband’s responsibility is horribly cold. They are children, they didn’t chose this set up. If you don’t want to deal with stepchildren don’t marry someone who already has children. If you do then make sure they are an equal in your family home to any other children!

It's not the bauble . It's the message it gives them . Can't you see that ?

flapjack nailed it . Yes yes yes .

Your mum excluded your step children and you come head to complain about your husband?

Yes, of course I can see it, vicar, but it seems that the husband is trying to create a problem where there needn't be one. And yes, of course it's his responsibility to make sure his children get what he wants them to get. It's certainly not the OP's parents' responsibility to do that.

I can see why the OP's parents might not know the SC's well. If, for example, the children are over EOW and perhaps a couple of days during the week, they may simply not be there when the grandparents visit - not all grandparents live close by and can visit regularly. I'm sure the OP also sees them in their own home so they literally may only come to her house a few times a year.

I don't understand a lot of people on this thread. You don't get to tell other people who their family is.

The SC family is their mum, their dad, their grandparents (their parents' parents), their siblings, and maybe step-parents depending on the relationship. Not all step-parents have a parenting relationship with their SC. Sometimes they're just dad's wife. And the step-parent's other relations don't automatically become family. It all depends on the setup of each family.

The OP's SC don't see her parents as grandparents. That relationship isn't there. There won't be any expectation from them to be treated as such. Her DH can want that all he wants, but if his DC don't see them as family, then why is he making it an issue.

@HamBone - the OP’s dad casually brought the bauble round to OP’s house without prior warning which suggests they are local. But still, over a period of say at least 4 years given time for marriage and a baby who is now at least 1, I find it difficult to see how as a family they wouldn’t naturally have met up with the grandparents more than a few times. It suggests to me the OP and her parents see the stepchildren as separate.

And what dynamic is that? It’s not like there is one dynamic all blended families adhere to, or would even want to for that matter. The only thing OP and her parents need to be is kind to the children when they see them. They are not required to take on a parental, or grand parental, role. You thinking they should isn’t going to change that.

Oh, and if you choose to marry someone that isn’t the parent of your existing children, don’t be surprised if they don’t act as if they are. If that’s an issue for you then by all means don’t marry them.

The relationship OP’s parents have with their actual grandchild is different to the one they have with children they barely know. The relationship OP has with her own child is, and will continue to be, entirely different to the one she has with her stepchildren. Similarly, the stepchildren themselves are not going to consider her to be the same as their mother (and I highly doubt their motive would want them to). That doesn’t however mean that she’s either cold or horrible to them, and tbh she may actually be acting in a far more respectful way towards them. Not every child is going to welcome an additional ‘mother’ or set of ‘grandparents’ because their father started a new relationship. If I were a child in that situation I’d think the lot of them had lost their damn minds if they tried that.

Blended families do not have to operate by doing a weird pretense that they’re the same as nuclear families.

I’m assuming that the DSC’s maternal GP’s have never met the baby or bought him/her presents, let alone anything personalized - nor do they think of the baby as their GC because of their pre-existing relationship with their own GC (siblings of this baby) or with the father of all these kids, (previously partnered with or married to their daughter, who is the mother of their own GC’s.) Are they to be burned at the stake or shot at dawn too?

This thread is really reaffirming to me that if me and DH were to divorce I would not want to risk remarrying or living with someone else until my child was an adult. Who would willingly be with someone who viewed their older children as not as important than any subsequent children they may have?!

I’m sure no 14 year old is going to be upset that a baby has been given a bauble with a name on it and they haven’t. Massive storm in a teacup.

@Flapjackquack The pandemic probably put a big dent in getting to know them though, many older people were cautious until the Omicrom variant fizzled out. Our older relatives were very careful with visiting until last spring, that’s two years!

I haven’t said she has to mother them, I said she should treat them like equals. Oh my child has been bought a special ornament for our family tree, I should ensure the other children in my house have the same is not a difficult thing to do.

I disagree the OP just has to be kind. She also has to be fair and be considerate of the fact her stepchildren are splitting their life between two homes and the upheaval that brings. The least the adults in the situation can do is make them feel included. I wouldn’t have a special ornament for just me and my son and leave my husband out? That would be odd as we all live in this house.

Oh my child has been bought a special ornament for our family tree, I should ensure the other children in my house have the same

She did. She told her DH to sort it. The other parent. Her equally able partner. If he doesn't sort it, then that's not her fault.

you can of course go ahead and disagree, I didn’t say you couldn’t. You can think what you like about what other people should do when it comes to blended families, but that isn’t going to have any bearing on what they actually do. Your ideals are just that - yours. They won’t work for everyone in every family.

Personally I cannot imagine giving a shit, at 11 or 14, about a half sibling getting a present from his grandparents, two people that I barely know.

How long have the DSC been in your life?

Tell your DH that your so glad he brought up fairness, so what is the budget for each child concerning gifts.
As he wants it all to be fair , make sure your child gets the same as a PlayStation or an iPhone.