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Original poster

H being ridiculous over a bauble

529 replies

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 21:51

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

OP posts:
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bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:56

@BadNomad you are just splitting hairs and being pedantic! It has had no effect on the dsgc until now when it was brought into their home! What is hard to understand about that? Any decent parent would have a problem with it imo and why is it the dh expected to rectify an issue he didn't cause but merely pointed out? Op has shown her attitude towards her dsc very clearly in her pp so imho he really has more to worry about than a bauble but maybe thats the final straw in his eyes?

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 08:58

My DSC have lots of baubles my DC doesn't have. There are some with their faces on that I find a bit weird tbh but still on they go. They have special ones from people I'll never meet. Do I complain? No. The baubles are a shorthand for the rich tapestry of life and our individual and shared story as a "blended" family. I have some from my dear nan. DH has one he bought himself on his first Christmas alone. This is the complete and utter joy of the Christmas bauble. They are both "only a bauble" and also "a story". In this scenario the GP have given their GC a bauble, they are all connected in that way. They do not for whatever reason see the DSC as part of this group of "their grandchildren who get a bauble" and this is ok. It is their story and relationship to weave and create.

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 08:59

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:52

No. It's a grandchildren thing. They've been doing this for years and no one complained about the SC not getting a bauble. Until now. Why is daddy kicking up a fuss now? Why has he not said something all the other years they didn't receive a bauble. He's just annoyed because 1 of his children is getting something 2 of his children aren't. Which he can easily make even if he pulls his finger out. It has nothing to do with them not being treated like grandchildren.

Show quote history

Because they weren’t in “daddy’s” house before now. That is the issue here! Of course he is annoyed 2 of his children are being treated differently and it sounds like he is also annoyed his wife doesn’t give a damn that they are.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 09:01

@bloodyplanes the DH should sort it because he is the only one that sees it as a problem. Literally no one else thinks there is anything wrong with the SC not getting a grandchild gift. He didn't have any problem with his children not being seen as grandchildren by these people until now. Now he doesn't want their actually grandchild to have a gift from them.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:04

He wouldn't suggest the DSC dispose of anything they have that DC doesn't

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 09:05

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 08:59

Because they weren’t in “daddy’s” house before now. That is the issue here! Of course he is annoyed 2 of his children are being treated differently and it sounds like he is also annoyed his wife doesn’t give a damn that they are.

Show quote history

Why does that matter? They're either seen as grandchildren or they are not. They're not, and they haven't ever been. But now he doesn't want his youngest to be treated like a grandchild because he wants them all to be treated the same. But they're not the same. The youngest is a grandchild and should be allowed to have gifts from their actual grandparents on display. Why should that relationship be hidden and denied?

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 09:08

@Flapjackquack do you think the youngest shouldn't be treated like a grandchild then? Just so they can all be treated the same.

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:09

@BadNomad so because he is the only one with enough emotional intelligence to see that this is a problem its up to him to rectify their mistake? Ok then

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:10

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:09

@BadNomad so because he is the only one with enough emotional intelligence to see that this is a problem its up to him to rectify their mistake? Ok then

It's only a problem if he makes a BIG THING of it

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 09:11

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:09

@BadNomad so because he is the only one with enough emotional intelligence to see that this is a problem its up to him to rectify their mistake? Ok then

It's not a mistake. He just has daddy guilt about starting a new family with someone else.

Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:11

stillvicarinatutu · 30/11/2022 23:32

It's comparable because you have 3 children. His parents appreciate that .
Yours don't and nor do you .

Step families dont work and this is why . I have a step brother who was the obvious favourite.

He's a heroine addict , a drug dealer , alcoholic and weed smoker .

I'm a police officer. I've been nc with my mother for 20 years and when step father died I didn't bat an eyelid, he was actually very abusive but knowing I was bottom of the pile hurt more than the broken fingers and beatings . Yeah my experience is no where comparable to your step
Children but they'll know who the golden child is is your eyes . And your parents eyes . I wish I'd had a parent to step up
As your dh is for his children.
Good on him .

Of course his parents appreciate the fact there are 3 children, because all 3 children are their grandchildren in exactly the same way. They are all the children of their son.

My husband has 3 children. I, on the other hand, have 1 child. DSC are not "my" children. They have a mother who is extremely involved in their life and would probably give me abuse if she found out I was going around saying I have 3 children (as she's given me in the past before for taking them out somewhere nice because 'they aren't here children').

To act like this is directly comparable to his parents (grandparents to all the children equally) just buying for some and not the others is crazy to me.

You can say it all you like but I absolutely do not have 3 children. I have 1 child and 2 step children who are the children of my husband and his ex.

OP posts:
YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:11

GreenManalishi · 30/11/2022 22:02

Your parents have emphasised a difference between the children, totally unnecessarily. You're not helping by keeping it going.

Why should the difference be hidden

chella2 · 01/12/2022 09:12

There is no rule that you can only buy baubles for your blood grandchildren . This is first year a special bauble has come into the home. The tradition could just as easily be for all the children in the home. If you actually cared about not making children feel sad at Christmas time.

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:14

My exh dc was an absolute horror ( caused by appalling parenting by both parents hence the ex-h) my dm couldn't stand him! However she treated him exactly the same as she treated my dc ( her dgc) because its the right thing to do! She included him completely in gifts ( big or small), days out, time spent with the dgc because he was a member of the family. This is exactly the way it should be! When I married his df he became another dgc to my parents.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:14

You can say it all you like but I absolutely do not have 3 children. I have 1 child and 2 step children who are the children of my husband and his ex. I agree. And I imagine if it'd anything like my set up then your parents won't have met them that often, for us when my husband sees his children he likes to spend time with them and take them to his parents and family. It's not that they aren't welcome to see my family just that that relationship is the lowest priority to nurture.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:15

chella2 · 01/12/2022 09:12

There is no rule that you can only buy baubles for your blood grandchildren . This is first year a special bauble has come into the home. The tradition could just as easily be for all the children in the home. If you actually cared about not making children feel sad at Christmas time.

They aren't going to be sad about a bauble, they will have lots of their own special baubles and they probably hardly know the grandparents

Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:15

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:09

@BadNomad so because he is the only one with enough emotional intelligence to see that this is a problem its up to him to rectify their mistake? Ok then

Surely this is where the difference of opinion comes in with the word 'mistake'. I don't think my parents have made a mistake or done anything wrong. He does and he's entitled to think that if he likes but I don't agree so yes, he should rectify it if he thinks it's a problem.

It's all part of a wider issue really. I think H likes to talk about fairness but never wants to be the one to go out of his way to achieve it. There is a lot of Disney parenting going on imo, not with this situation necessarily but in general he likes to preach a lot about ideals but doesn't actually do anything to achieve it.

For example, my DSC don't have a relationship really with my extended family. But at the same time he never brings them to any family events instead choosing to either come alone if it's their time with their mum or stay home with them if it's their time with us. His choice but don't then throw a tantrum when they aren't seen as family by my family 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:16

@YumSushi so what if the dsc see it and make a big thing of it? Is it a problem then?

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 09:16

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 09:08

@Flapjackquack do you think the youngest shouldn't be treated like a grandchild then? Just so they can all be treated the same.

Of course not. Have no point have I said that have I? You really are grasping now. I’ve said the OP should recognise she has three children living in her house even if 2 aren’t her children as she has made very clear. This could have all been solved if the OP had said oh look my parents got little Bobby a personalised bauble, wouldn’t it be nice if we all went and picked out one for John and Jane too. No. Instead it was why would I care, not my children, not my problem. You can not mother your step children but still care about including them.

Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:17

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:14

My exh dc was an absolute horror ( caused by appalling parenting by both parents hence the ex-h) my dm couldn't stand him! However she treated him exactly the same as she treated my dc ( her dgc) because its the right thing to do! She included him completely in gifts ( big or small), days out, time spent with the dgc because he was a member of the family. This is exactly the way it should be! When I married his df he became another dgc to my parents.

And does she still see him? Or has this grandchild pretence dropped now you're no longer with your ex for this child she couldn't stand?

OP posts:
chella2 · 01/12/2022 09:20

@YumSushi Their father thinks they would be upset. I think he's in a better place to judge that than you.

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:20

@Kikkk no she doesn't still see him but because that was his dm choice! Same for me as well, we both would have maintained a relationship with him had he wanted to and been allowed to because we are adults and he is a child! We realise that he is a product of his environment it's not his fault!

VejaVagVagina · 01/12/2022 09:21

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 22:05

My parents rarely see my stepchildren and don't know them that well. I don't think there is anything behind them not getting one for them, they just aren't their grandchildren.

I just think if H is so bothered he should just go and buy some himself!

Disagree. Regardless of whether they "see" them as their GC it's rather thoughtless to have excluded your step-child. My parents include my step-niece with all grandchildren type presents.

Wiluli · 01/12/2022 09:23

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2022 01:21

Yes, of course I can see it, vicar, but it seems that the husband is trying to create a problem where there needn't be one. And yes, of course it's his responsibility to make sure his children get what he wants them to get. It's certainly not the OP's parents' responsibility to do that.

Isn’t it ? Her step children are sort of the family as much as her baby . She married him knowing they where part if the family , her and her parents are horrid

chella2 · 01/12/2022 09:23

The problem is not that the 2 children don't have a bauble with their names on it.

The problem is that your parents were thoughtless about the SDC's feelings, and that when he pointed out that they would be upset, you didn't seem to care at all.

That problem is not one that can be solved by him buying a bauble.