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Original poster

H being ridiculous over a bauble

529 replies

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 21:51

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

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bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:14

@Changechangychange the fact that they don't live there full time is irrelevant! They are still children of the household and it is their fathers home so should equally be their home!

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:15

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:10

You can't force people to have relationships. You just can't. The OP can't make her parents see these children as extra grandchildren. The OP can't make the children see these adult strangers as grandparents. That's not how this works. The SC are part of OP's family. That's all.

You are correct you can't force relationships but you can expect grown adults to use a bit of common sense and empathy!

Kidman · 01/12/2022 08:17

I’m with your DH and good for him trying to stamp out the blatant disregard for his kids from your parents straight away.

I say that as someone who spent 10 years spending Christmas Day at step grandparents who lavished my siblings in gifts and yet couldn’t even stretch to a card for me. Have never forgiven the adults in my life for allowing it.

I struggle to believe the people who see it as no big deal have any actual experience of the way it makes a child feel.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:20

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:15

You are correct you can't force relationships but you can expect grown adults to use a bit of common sense and empathy!

Show quote history

This wasn't a Christmas present. The bauble was specifically a gesture for grandchildren. A symbol of the grandparents-grandchild relationship. So it doesn't make sense for them to buy baubles for non-grandchildren. They get the SC presents at Christmas. That is their acknowledgement of them.

Bollindger · 01/12/2022 08:23

You need to sort this out now.
Talk to DH and explain that because your parents have no relationship with you SC then you can see why it happened. This will happen in a months time when your parents bring gifts and it will be something far bigger than an ornament.
As him how you are to deal with this as can you imagine the scene if they brought in boxes of gifts for 1 child and nothing for the

gingercat02 · 01/12/2022 08:23

I think it's a bit mean of your parents not to get one for your DSS but I know in the same circumstances neither mine or DH parent's would have considered a step child as a grandchild or really part of their family (totally wrong imo but that's how they are)

Bollindger · 01/12/2022 08:25

Christmas is soon so sort out rules with your husband about what he wants to do as you actually need to speak to your parents urgently. Can you imagine gifts for baby in front of SC. All hell will break loose if they get nothing.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:29

She already said her parents buy the SC presents at Christmas.

PicturesOfDogs · 01/12/2022 08:32

Kidman · 01/12/2022 08:17

I’m with your DH and good for him trying to stamp out the blatant disregard for his kids from your parents straight away.

I say that as someone who spent 10 years spending Christmas Day at step grandparents who lavished my siblings in gifts and yet couldn’t even stretch to a card for me. Have never forgiven the adults in my life for allowing it.

I struggle to believe the people who see it as no big deal have any actual experience of the way it makes a child feel.

This is what I mean, when I said the GP weren’t brandishing gifts when the step children were there. I think it’s completely different.

I would never advocate leaving a child out if they were there in person, but they weren’t?

I don’t think it’s the same thing at all.

Should OPs baby expect gifts from the SC GPs?
How is it fair that SC would get gifts from 3 sets of GP, and the baby only one?

Its a false equivalency I think

chella2 · 01/12/2022 08:32

@BadNomad But it was for display in the children's home, not the grandparents home.

Imagine if only 1 child had their photo up on the wall. When we display things like this in our home it is a sign of the child's value and importance in that home.

It was thoughtless of the grandparents and it's a shame OP doesn't understand or accept this. (And some other posters). The father feels his DC would be upset by it. He knows them best and OP should take this on board.

chella2 · 01/12/2022 08:33

It's not like any other present, in that way, was what I wanted to say.

Holly60 · 01/12/2022 08:33

Afterfire · 30/11/2022 22:15

I suspect your dh is more hurt about the fact your parents have left out his dc rather than the actual lack of bauble.

This is exactly what I thought. They may not be his children's grandparents, but they ARE his parents in law. His children (including yours) are the most important people in his life. He probably also cares about your parents. It's not necessarily logical but it's understandable.

Your parents could have been kind and gotten them for all children in your household. I can understand him being a bit hurt they didn't.

They aren't wrong, but I don't actually think he is either

Miajk · 01/12/2022 08:34

Whyisitsodifficult · 30/11/2022 22:03

I disagree it’s not up to her parents to buy for his children they will have their grandparents who can buy them a bauble!

But it is though. Why would OP decide to be in a blended family if she feels like the DSC isn't family?

It's mean and hurtful. Don't get into a relationship with someone who has kids if you don't want a blended family.

I spent Christmas at my BFs house due to circumstances when we were together less than a year. His whole family got me small gifts so I could feel included. It's just the nice thing to do when you're not a rotten person.

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:34

@BadNomad no one said it was a Christmas present? Its just really bad form to to buy one child in the family something so conspicuous but to make it clear the others are not included! If i had dsgc I would never buy my dgc something and not my dsgc! This could be something as simple as sweets up to something expensive like xmas presents! At the very best its completely thoughtless at worst spiteful!

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 08:36

To all those saying my teenager couldn’t give a shit about a bauble. If your teenager isn’t in a blended family it’s irrelevant.

Miajk · 01/12/2022 08:37

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 22:33

I just said he should go and get some if he thinks it's a problem and that I didn't see the big deal that DSC weren't bought one.

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So because you didn't see a big deal it's not a problem?

People are clearly telling you it is. Your DH was hurt. Your step kids probably would have been hurt.

Thank god my step parents were more thoughtful than this. If my dad married someone who thinks the way you do I'd be very resentful of being stuck with someone like this.

Don't blend a family if youre not willing to make it a blended family.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:39

chella2 · 01/12/2022 08:32

@BadNomad But it was for display in the children's home, not the grandparents home.

Imagine if only 1 child had their photo up on the wall. When we display things like this in our home it is a sign of the child's value and importance in that home.

It was thoughtless of the grandparents and it's a shame OP doesn't understand or accept this. (And some other posters). The father feels his DC would be upset by it. He knows them best and OP should take this on board.

But this is specifically a grandparent-grandchild thing. It's not an all-the-children-in-the-family thing. When it's one child's birthday, you don't give all children a card. When it's Mother's Day, you don't give both parents a gift. It's specifically for the grandchildren. The SC grandparents are very welcome to start this tradition too if they want. For all anyone knows they might do already. No one will rage that the half-sibling doesn't get what they get from their grandparents.

chella2 · 01/12/2022 08:43

But all the children sit around the Christmas tree. It's not like a birthday. Can't you see how it could feel hurtful to have one child's name up there in lights, in pride of place, in your home?

If the grandparents want to have special displays in their own home then that's different.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:43

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:34

@BadNomad no one said it was a Christmas present? Its just really bad form to to buy one child in the family something so conspicuous but to make it clear the others are not included! If i had dsgc I would never buy my dgc something and not my dsgc! This could be something as simple as sweets up to something expensive like xmas presents! At the very best its completely thoughtless at worst spiteful!

They'll get something at Christmas. Grandparents are allowed to buy their own grandchildren something that has nothing to do with anyone else. Tell me this, would you give your DSGC (who you don't have a relationship with) a card that says grandson/granddaughter on it? Would you expect them to give you a card that says Grandmother on it?

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:45

@BadNomad if you read op's pp it most definitely is an " all the grandchildren in the family thing" they all now have them apart from dsgc!

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 08:46

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:39

But this is specifically a grandparent-grandchild thing. It's not an all-the-children-in-the-family thing. When it's one child's birthday, you don't give all children a card. When it's Mother's Day, you don't give both parents a gift. It's specifically for the grandchildren. The SC grandparents are very welcome to start this tradition too if they want. For all anyone knows they might do already. No one will rage that the half-sibling doesn't get what they get from their grandparents.

Show quote history

If the grandparents were buying the bauble to hang in their own house I’d agree with you but they are not. It’s going in the stepchildren’s house they share with their father, stepmother and sibling.

FWIW I don’t think the grandparents were obliged to buy the stepchildren a bauble although it would have been nice. It is the OPs attitude of it doesn’t matter if my child is represented in this house but my stepchildren aren’t, not my problem. It might seem small but it hurts as many stepchildren on this thread have explained.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 08:48

Oh FFS

I'm guessing the dsc have decorations of their own that your DC doesn't.

He's being ridiculous and his attitude is the one that will cause issues.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:48

chella2 · 01/12/2022 08:43

But all the children sit around the Christmas tree. It's not like a birthday. Can't you see how it could feel hurtful to have one child's name up there in lights, in pride of place, in your home?

If the grandparents want to have special displays in their own home then that's different.

Children sit around the tree? Do you live in a Christmas movie?

They aren't grandchildren. They don't get grandchild-specific gifts from non-grandparents. If seeing their name on a bauble is important, then their father can get them baubles. That isn't for the OP's parents to sort.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:52

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 08:45

@BadNomad if you read op's pp it most definitely is an " all the grandchildren in the family thing" they all now have them apart from dsgc!

No. It's a grandchildren thing. They've been doing this for years and no one complained about the SC not getting a bauble. Until now. Why is daddy kicking up a fuss now? Why has he not said something all the other years they didn't receive a bauble. He's just annoyed because 1 of his children is getting something 2 of his children aren't. Which he can easily make even if he pulls his finger out. It has nothing to do with them not being treated like grandchildren.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 08:53

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:48

Children sit around the tree? Do you live in a Christmas movie?

They aren't grandchildren. They don't get grandchild-specific gifts from non-grandparents. If seeing their name on a bauble is important, then their father can get them baubles. That isn't for the OP's parents to sort.

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We sit around the tree

It's nice