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Original poster

H being ridiculous over a bauble

529 replies

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 21:51

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

OP posts:
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YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:23

bloodyplanes · 01/12/2022 09:16

@YumSushi so what if the dsc see it and make a big thing of it? Is it a problem then?

Yes because it would suggest that DH has tried to convince them that they are all the same. When they aren't.

thepenismightier · 01/12/2022 09:24

chella2 · 01/12/2022 09:12

There is no rule that you can only buy baubles for your blood grandchildren . This is first year a special bauble has come into the home. The tradition could just as easily be for all the children in the home. If you actually cared about not making children feel sad at Christmas time.

Aww. You can just imagine it in the Daily Fail - sadfaced 11 and 14 yr olds pictured with wicked stepmother and spoilt baby DC, with a Christmas tree in the background featuring The Bauble.

Some people on here are clearly projecting their own experiences of being a stepchild. Spoiler: the OP is not your stepmother.

Nancienoo · 01/12/2022 09:25

@Wiluli horrid is a bit harsh! It’s a bauble!

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 09:26

thepenismightier · 01/12/2022 09:24

Aww. You can just imagine it in the Daily Fail - sadfaced 11 and 14 yr olds pictured with wicked stepmother and spoilt baby DC, with a Christmas tree in the background featuring The Bauble.

Some people on here are clearly projecting their own experiences of being a stepchild. Spoiler: the OP is not your stepmother.

Show quote history

Spoiler: people with lived experience can provide a bit of insight into the situation.

VejaVagVagina · 01/12/2022 09:28

@Kikkk "grandchild pretence". What an awful way of describing a relationship with a step-grandchild. Your comments say much more about the way you see your step-child than your original post let on!

I have no idea why people sign up for blended families if they are going to do anything but "blend". And the fact that you think it is your husband's duty to source the matching bauble is just pathetic. Be the bigger person and right this wrong! I'd dread to think coke Xmas day that you spend different amounts on presents for YOUR child versus HIS child!

Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:29

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 09:26

Spoiler: people with lived experience can provide a bit of insight into the situation.

Show quote history

I'm a step child on my mum's side. I've met my step dads mum about once at their wedding. Maybe twice at a birthday or something. The thought of her being my grandparent is laughable to me. She isn't. Nor am I her grandchild. She's a woman I could barely pick out of a line up.

My step dad is lovely but he isn't my dad and I'm not his child. Never caused me any trauma to admit it.

Does my lived experience count though or is it only the experience of those that agree with you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:30

VejaVagVagina · 01/12/2022 09:28

@Kikkk "grandchild pretence". What an awful way of describing a relationship with a step-grandchild. Your comments say much more about the way you see your step-child than your original post let on!

I have no idea why people sign up for blended families if they are going to do anything but "blend". And the fact that you think it is your husband's duty to source the matching bauble is just pathetic. Be the bigger person and right this wrong! I'd dread to think coke Xmas day that you spend different amounts on presents for YOUR child versus HIS child!

Well it was a pretence wasn't it. PPs mum couldn't even stand the child, as they admitted themselves, and the relationship ended as soon as her relationship with the child's parent did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:31

I.e. it was quite clearly for the sake of keeping up "proper" appearances rather than any actual like or bond with the child, PP admitted herself that her parents couldn't stand him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:33

Well yes come Christmas day my step children have a LOT more spent on them due to their ages. I'm guessing that is okay though? Shall I demand we put away the same amount for our two year old then to keep it fair?

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 01/12/2022 09:33

Maybe the experience of being tolerated rather than actively included as a step child makes it difficult to recreate anything different.

Original poster
Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:36

GreenManalishi · 01/12/2022 09:33

Maybe the experience of being tolerated rather than actively included as a step child makes it difficult to recreate anything different.

The fact that you got this from my post is strange. I've never felt merely tolerated by my step dad. I said he was lovely but not my dad. Thats true. Our relationship is unique, it's not a parent-child relationship but that's fine, I have my dad, I didn't need or want another, my relationship with my step dad is still one I feel is important and beneficial, the fact I haven't gained extra grandparents I don't need or want is not relevant to that.

OP posts:
Remaker · 01/12/2022 09:37

If it’s petty to be upset about it then it’s equally petty to dole out baubles only to ‘official’ GC.

If my mum had this kind of tradition she would ensure every child in the house had one. Because it’s the kind thing to do.

GreenManalishi · 01/12/2022 09:40

Again, this is not about the bauble. It's not even about extra
grandparents.

Your husband is letting you know that he is unhappy with the way you deal with his kids.

You're not listening to him, and you're not listening to any of the people who have tried to point this out.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:40

There is no point in trying to blend a family so the joins are seamless. The joins are who we are.

Kidman · 01/12/2022 09:40

The people who say about the SDC grandparents on the other side are ridiculous, your child won’t have to grow up seeing their step siblings life at their other parents. Your step children will. And trust me when I say things like this are really noticed by a child, it’s another reminder you’re not part of that parents ‘real’ family, you’re an extra. It’s hard as a child to process those feelings because it’s a mix between being rejected, alienated and also slight resentment that you wish wouldn’t be there.
Id be proud my husband had picked up that he wouldn’t want his children to feel that way.
Yes, your side of the family probably don’t see any reason to include his kids as they’re not blood, but to the child, you (and by default your family) are part of their dads family and therefore either they are part of it too, or they are not. And processing that you’re not part of it when your young or hormonal teen is not easy.
A bit of compassion for how your actions could make a child feel won’t go a miss. How would you feel about your own blood child having feelings like this if your husband leaves you and they end up the step child? You’ll be glad then that he tries to put his children’s feelings first.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:42

Kikkk · 01/12/2022 09:33

Well yes come Christmas day my step children have a LOT more spent on them due to their ages. I'm guessing that is okay though? Shall I demand we put away the same amount for our two year old then to keep it fair?

Yes you should. Clearly. How dare they be treated as individuals with their own unique family story.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 09:43

Kidman · 01/12/2022 09:40

The people who say about the SDC grandparents on the other side are ridiculous, your child won’t have to grow up seeing their step siblings life at their other parents. Your step children will. And trust me when I say things like this are really noticed by a child, it’s another reminder you’re not part of that parents ‘real’ family, you’re an extra. It’s hard as a child to process those feelings because it’s a mix between being rejected, alienated and also slight resentment that you wish wouldn’t be there.
Id be proud my husband had picked up that he wouldn’t want his children to feel that way.
Yes, your side of the family probably don’t see any reason to include his kids as they’re not blood, but to the child, you (and by default your family) are part of their dads family and therefore either they are part of it too, or they are not. And processing that you’re not part of it when your young or hormonal teen is not easy.
A bit of compassion for how your actions could make a child feel won’t go a miss. How would you feel about your own blood child having feelings like this if your husband leaves you and they end up the step child? You’ll be glad then that he tries to put his children’s feelings first.

And what about the DC. Why should they have to hide their joy in their grandparents.

Wiluli · 01/12/2022 09:44

Nancienoo · 01/12/2022 09:25

@Wiluli horrid is a bit harsh! It’s a bauble!

She is horrid , I’m a step mum myself and I would never allow my step children to be treated differently to my own or ours .

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 09:44

GreenManalishi · 01/12/2022 09:40

Again, this is not about the bauble. It's not even about extra
grandparents.

Your husband is letting you know that he is unhappy with the way you deal with his kids.

You're not listening to him, and you're not listening to any of the people who have tried to point this out.

This with bells on.

kindlyensure · 01/12/2022 09:45

He was irritating you waaaay before the bauble. I'm sorry. Things sound difficult.

healthadvice123 · 01/12/2022 09:48

@Kikkk but its not about your experience or anyone elses its about your SC , maybe they have said something to the their dad about feeling a bit pushed out etc
Maybe you should just discuss with them , would they like a bauble etc
My sil was with a partner that had a child at xmas I bought him a small gift as well as my neohews if he was going to be there as he was a kid and he never chose for his dad to blend families
But some are saying on here they felt like extras so maybe speak to your dh and your SC see what they think
Also its not unusual for grandparents to by for SC in many families, or even treat them the same, each family situation is different no right or wrong as long as the children are ok with situation
They are all your DH children so he feels differently to you of course he does

Wiluli · 01/12/2022 09:49

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 09:44

This with bells on.

Show quote history

This . Her husband will end up resenting her because rightfully he puts his children first as a good dad and she clearly doesn’t care if they are part of the family or not , even when hundreds of people are telling her she is wrong and he is clearly telling her . Use this to have a look at yourself OP . Please or you will risk your husband resenting you and you will damage your relationship

Excusemegreentea · 01/12/2022 09:51

Honestly the bauble is significant. Firstly your parents should have bought one for each DSC, and you should have wanted that too.

This attitude will colour your relationship and possibly colour what happens to the marriage long term.

Ime , happy blended inclusive families thrive and stay together.

Quiegal · 01/12/2022 09:57

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DarkShade · 01/12/2022 10:10

I think the reasonable thing to do is something in the middle. I do think your parents should have either bough your DSC a bauble, or if money is tight, rang you to ask if you wanted an extra 2. Not because they are 'grandparents' - they clearly are not - but because if 3 children live in a house where the tree is up, it's nice for all 3 to have a personalised bauble if 1 child does. When I know I am meeting up with friends who have kids, I make sure to pack enough of the most desirable snack to share. it's the same principle, you don't want people to feel excluded.

So anyway, now I agree that your DH can go and buy some. Your DS shouldn't have to give up his one.

In general, I think you all need to work out what the problem is. Is DH mad because your parents treat his kids differently? I think that's unreasonbale, presumably his ex's parents don't buy for your children. They have two sets of grandparents already. Is he mad that his kids will be left out? Reasonable, try to think of ways to make sure everyone is included. Is he mad because he can't be bothered to buy more and wants you to do it? Unreasonable, it's his job.