H being ridiculous over a bauble

[Kikkk]

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

My mum bought us all personalised baubles a few years ago, including DSD, because it's nice to be nice. She barely knows DSD, there is no pretence of a grandparent/grandchild relationship there.
It was just a question of picking up one extra cheap bauble off the rack though. Easy to buy for common names. I don't know if she would be scouring Etsy and having a special bauble made for a Theodora when her grandchildren are called Noah and Oliver, for example.

But he’s only now having to go get a bauble now because they bought one in the first place.The GPs created the problem

He’s probably wishing that his younger child haven’t been given a bauble.

i don’t think it’s your parents’ job to buy a bauble.

I have a 14 yo myself. And obviously she was 11 before that. In itself, I don’t think the 14 yo would be upset by the gift. Perhaps the 11 yo more so, emotions are a little more raw at this age.

However, it’s the symbolism of putting the bauble on the tree. Not only does your dc get to spend every day with their parents together but they now will have a constant reminder of this in the form of this bauble hanging on the tree. And unless I’m mistaken, it sounds as though there will a new one added every year.

Even as an adult, it would make me feel left out, excluded from my father’s family home if this were to happen.

It is very true your dh can go out alone and purchase a bauble for then each. It has been suggested to you that you do this together as a blended family to symbolise to the older 2 that despite not being their mum, you are all a family and they are very welcome.

I can understand why you’re saying the bauble is irrelevant. In the scheme of things, yes. However the symbolism of what it represents is the issue. If you want a happy and harmonious home, I would listen to the people trying to explain this to you.

Teens do seem very big when your child is small. But teens are nowhere near adulthood, still needing a lot of love and guidance. And they are incredibly sensitive, perceiving the smallest sleight. Telling their dad he can sort it out cos they’re not your problem could be the start of a real them and us situation.

Even if simply the sake of you marriage, to avoid the possibility of parenting alone and to prevent your child from going through the pain of parental separation, I would listen to what your dh is telling you.

I have no skin is this game btw. I was neither a step child with half or step children nor have stepchildren of my own. I do, though, know what it is to not v treated the same as my sibling. And it hurt. Deeply.

Personally I cannot imagine giving a shit, at 11 or 14, about a half sibling getting a present from his grandparents, two people that I barely know.

I agree with this sentiment and can't understand the flak OP is getting on here.

On a more sober note, what about inheritance? If OP's parents gift their grandchildren a significant amount of money in their will, is the expectation that they will leave an equal amount to the OP's stepchildren?

It's absolutely nuts the amount of responses this thread has received. It's obvious you are not being unreasonable here, I would struggle to live with this level of hypersensitivity.

OP - why did you post on here? You have had a lot of people tell you they don’t agree with your parents approach with not including your step kids but you just respond your think your parents are right. You are blind to people telling you it’s symbolic of how your blended family is not blending as much as you might think.

she’s also had a lot of people agree with her, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP can just post on here for the sake of posting on here. She doesn’t have to agree with the opinions of those who reply, or take instruction from those who disagree with her.

I have a feeling it's about more than just a bauble. He doesn't want his first two DC to feel that they are less important than his 3rd DC. He doesn't want others to treat them differently in obvious ways. He's upset by your parents excluding them, and that you are not bothered about it.

Having read some of the comments, I have to say, I am with OP, it's a f*ing bauble! On top of that from people the SDC don't really know.

A lot of posters seem to read all kinds of meaning and dynamics into one little Christmas decoration. Get a grip, there are 1000's of ways to make children feel loved and wanted. A little coloured glass/plastic thing isn't the key to love and happiness.
It doesn't need to be a symbol of love and happy Christmas family either.
But if it has to be a symbol of happy Christmas family, then by all means OPs DH should just go out and purchase the dam thing for his kids... but wait, what will the 3rd DC get from Dad as a symbol of love & happiness????

The materialism and attached symbolism on this thread are amazing and makes for a good case study.

🎤This is not about the bauuuuuble, this is not abouuut the baauuuuble..

Your DH is hurt about your attitude towards his kids.

The bauble is just an easy representation of a wider issue in the family.

ps Teenagers have feelings. Even and possibly especially at Christmas.

But they are aware of their existence. Presumably as you have a child of your own with your H your DSC have been part of the blended family for some time, this is at least their 2nd Christmas. Yes your H can sort it but your parents were clumsily insensitive and I wouldn’t be surprised if your DSC would feel excluded if they knew.

I could 100% understand if OP was the one who bought the bauble, but her parents buying something? When they don’t have a GP relationship with the children?

At 11 and 14 they’re perfectly old enough to understand that the babies GP will buy things for the baby, just like their GP buy them things and not the baby.

Again, this isn’t a gift from OP excluding them.

The fact you don't see anything wrong is the problem. Try looking at if it was the other way round.

On the surface, of course, this is a small thing and a bauble doesn't cost a lot of money.

However, it's the principle about how your step child is seen in the family, which is why your husband is upset.

Your parents have bought a gift which displays their grandchildren's names on the Christmas tree, but not your step-child's. It hurts because it means that they don't see the step-child as part of the family.

As a stepchild myself, this has happened to me, and yes of course it's a small thing which you pretend doesn't bother you. But inside it is a little hurtful, and it's just so easily avoided.

Your DH could go out and get a bauble but it's the message from your parents that hurts. Stepchildren just want to be included as part of the family and the point is that it would be so easy for your parents to facilitate this.

I think you and your DH should both just tell your parents that you'd like the stepchild included in things like this. You can't force them to obviously, and they might not want to. But I'm sure your stepchild would appreciate the effort and that YOU believe that they are just as much part of your family as your biological children.

It's a small thing and it's just rubbish to be the left out stepchild.

Get a grip, there are 1000's of ways to make children feel loved and wanted. A little coloured glass/plastic thing isn't the key to love and happiness

@Ylvamoon As a stepchild myself, I can confirm that this sort of thing did/ does matter to me, especially as a young child. When you are young, everything to do with Christmas and Christmas trees is meaningful and exciting. To see the 'real' children in the family get something like this and be left out would have made me very sad.

It's symbolic of the grandparents' relationship with the children in the family, and it means a lot to be included in these small gestures. The bio parent running out to buy one doesn't really help, because at that point you are still an afterthought.

Stepchildren just want to be included as part of the family and the point is that it would be so easy for your parents to facilitate this

What?

Why can’t DH facilitate a relationship with his children and his wife’s parents? They don’t have one!!!

Why leave DH out of this equation? You’ve blamed everyone but him!

He’s the parent he’s has to take responsibility. Which he isn’t.

What do you mean by 'take responsibility'?

He's told his wife that he is sad that his child wasn't included. What else can he do?

Yes he can go out and buy a bauble but see my explanation above as to why that's not an ideal solution.

At this point, it's up to her (and him, together perhaps) to have a chat with her parents about how they'd like SC to feel included as part of the family, and meaningful gifts like this with children's names on them should include all of the children.

I’m team DH on this one

This thread is completely wild. As a step child, i remember getting a token gift from my 'step grandparents' at christmas, which I saw as a nice gesture but always made me feel a bit awkward because they were not related to me and we didn't have much of a relationship - just like in the OP's case. In a blended family the children have different sets of grandparents and will each have a relationship with/receive gifts from their own GPs. That is completely uncontroversial surely?

And all these posts saying the GPs don't see the step children as part of their family. Yes, obviously! They are not. The children are part of the OP and her husband's family, not part of the OP's parents' family. It must be so strange and confusing for children to have those extra relationships forced in these situations.

I'd hazard a guess that DH doesn't mind having to go and get more, it's the fact that you very obviously don't care or see the issue.

I also can't believe some posters think this then means EVERYTHING the grandparents do for the DC has to be the same for the DSC, of course it doesn't! It's about something sentimental going on display.

I also can't believe some posters think this then means EVERYTHING the grandparents do for the DC has to be the same for the DSC, of course it doesn't! It's about something sentimental going on display.

A Christmas bauble for a 14-year-old from people they don't know very well is sentimental?

Why are people saying its the dh responsibility to sort out an issue that was caused by op's parents? He simply pointed out how unfair it is ( which it is)! The op's parents should have included all children in the house regardless of if they have any kind of relationship or not, it's simple decency! As for those saying that older kids won't be bothered by this I think that's rubbish, maybe they won't say anything or make a big fuss about it like a smaller child would but it will most definitely get noticed! If i was op I would have gone and got extra for my step children and quietly had a word with my parents about it! Op has shown that she doesn't really give a toss about her dsc or her husband's feelings!

The DSC don’t live in the house though, do they? Or the GPs might have met them more than once or twice.

I assume that, like many non-resident SC, they come over every other weekend. OP can clarify if that is not the case.

You can't force people to have relationships. You just can't. The OP can't make her parents see these children as extra grandchildren. The OP can't make the children see these adult strangers as grandparents. That's not how this works. The SC are part of OP's family. That's all.