SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

Agree with this, it's clear from your post that this isn't actually about SD - so you need to make that clear or your DP will be defensive ( we all would if we felt our child was being targeted in some way)

6 kids - no wonder you're overwhelmed.

Seriously?

Sure, just get rid of one or all of your kids. That’ll solve the problem. 🙄

I’m wondering what it is about the situation that feels so overwhelming.
Is your SD struggling with the transition and the circumstances in which she’s come to be living with you rather than her mother?
Do you feel able to parent her the way you do your children, or do you feel you have to tiptoe around issues because of how her parents react?
Are you having to rush around to accommodate a pick up/drop off at a different school or something?
Or something else?

Depending on the particular issues, the possible solutions will look different.

How are you in yourself OP? Could you have some anxiety or depression? Do you have much support/ relaxation time?

6 kids is a lot for anyone but I agree that it’s not his daughter’s fault… It seems a very drastic step to suggest splitting. How would you manage financially?

@SudocremOnEverything the op only does pick up, dh does the morning run, and she only has the kids for 2 hrs on her own till dh gets back I the evening.

Well goodness me. Isn't this a thread that will get a lot of engagement. Yes indeedy.

So your oh accepts life with your children but you can't do the same for his?

Good advice

I totally get 6 dc's being very hard work - I have 4 biological ones and it's tiring!

BUT - I really hope you are not letting your attitude towards this poor kid apparent, pity for her is my overriding reaction to this situation.

You made the choice to get involved and have children with a man who had previous children - now you are having to deal with an outcome from that which will always be possibility in blended families - that situations may change and the SD's may have to live with you full time.

I don't think, especially as he has lived with your dc's for years (as he been happy with this?) that you now get to call a timeout now HIS dd needs full time care.

I agree with pp's that this could be depression, in which case you should visit your GP. But ultimately I think you have to suck it up.

6 children? One income. Is your dh a very high earner?!

It's not particularly constructive for people to keep asking why she had more children. That's pointless. OP can't go back and change it.

It's not helpful either to call the OP a "cow" when someone has admitted to struggling and being depressed. Whatever happened to "being kind".

When someone reaches out for support and advice why not try to offer something constructive rather than continually kicking someone when they're already down.

How old are all the children?

If you feel spread too thinly looking after six children with your DP there, I can't see how separating would mean you were spread any less thinly - most of the time you'd be looking after five children without help.

So while I can see why this is a stressful situation, I do think that a lot of your feelings are related to the fact that your SD is not your own child, and I do think your DP is reasonable to point out that he lives with three children who are not his own. I think it's fairly natural that you would feel differently about your stepchild, so I don't think you're being horrible, but I think you might be a little bit in denial about why you're finding the addition of this particular child so difficult. It's an uncomfortable thing to confront, but I think it would help you if you could be more honest with yourself even if you don't share that with anyone else.

You mention that your SD needs a lot of attention. Why has she suddenly come to live with you now, at the age of nine? You've been with your DP for eight years, so she must have been just a baby when he left his ex - presumably SD doesn't actually remember ever having lived with him before? If she has lived with her mum all her life, she must be feeling very unsettled to have moved, and it's only been six months, so perhaps the extra attention she needs is because she feels insecure? Is her mum still around, and does she see her? I'm just wondering if perhaps it's partly the circumstances which have made this whole thing more upsetting and stressful for everyone and whether your SD (and the whole family) will settle and adjust with time.

I do sympathise hugely, but I think splitting up with your DP would be a very drastic and premature thing to do right now.

How big a household did she come from & how often did you see her?

In essence one extra kid on a school run & a couple of hours a night doesn't sound much.

It's not SD's fault, she was here before you chose to have more DC but I can see why you're out of your depth, 6 DC is alot. Could you look into after school club, not just for SD as that wouldn't be fair but some of your older ones too? What is the reason SD has moved in with you?

But I would bet my house… he’s not for some reason.

I think you need to find away to cope. Maybe pay for extra help. You would hate it if your DH said he couldnt cope with your three children living with you.

My view could change once we know why step daughter is living with you? Perm or temp arrangement? Is mum still in the picture? But on the sound of things I think you are being unreasonable. I totally get the dynamics change, but this is your DP child. You need to make or work if you want a good relationship with DP. Good luck OP.

Ignore the judgey responses OP, some of the things that have been said to you are disgusting.

As a pp has said, it sounds like the changed dynamic and extra child to look after has pushed you to your breaking point and this makes me wonder if you're getting enough help and support from your partner. Do you tend to get stuck with most of the childcare/chores? As well as your partner, do your DC (if old enough) help out by doing a few little chores here and there? Does your SD? Any other issues with your other DC that mean they also need a lot of your time? How is your health (both mental and physical)?

So much here that could be causing the OP to feel the way she does, but no, let's not make any effort to be constructive, let's just all pile on to someone who has come here asking for help because she is struggling, and try to make her feel like a piece of shit. Nice.

Yes, YABU. It’s only going from 5 to 6 kids FFS.

Difficult to tell if your reply is meant to be ironic. If it isn't, do you have kids, and if so do you have as many as 5/6?

It baffles me that so many of us have to work, don’t have as many children because of costs yet others have children, have more, don’t work and then complain about it.

the entire scenario sounds like a shit show

sadly - for the children more than anyone else. And all this upheaval in the space of 8 years.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that going from 5 to 6 is suddenly unmanageable when the child in question is the only one that isn’t OP’s.