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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD living with us and I can’t cope.

303 replies

User38271438373 · 12/09/2022 10:38

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

OP posts:
AsterixInEngland · 12/09/2022 11:08

I agree with the fact sd isn’t the issue.

id like yo know. Before sd moved in with you, did you have a chat with your DH about it? Does he know you were already at your limit looking after 5 dcs and a 6th one would feel too much? (Whoever the child is btw).

yiu need to bring the issue in a different way. Explain about the amont if work needed. The pressure. What could help you? Your DH taking on a more active role in the evening? You having a half day off away from it all the weekend etc….

Also review why your DH is getting more grumpy and you have more disagreements. Does HE find it harder too (he can’t be that oblivious about the increased amount if bickering)? What does he think could help so things run more smoothly?

How old are the dcs? Would you starting to work again, PT, could help? Just so you have a break and in adult company only fir some of the week?

RandomMusings7 · 12/09/2022 11:10

You were fine with producing and tending to biological kids but somehow this perfectly well behaved 6th is too much? I don't buy it. He'@ been caring for 3 of your kids, but his one that isn't related to you is where you draw the line? Ironic...

You chose to have 5 biological kids.
You chose to enter a relationship with someone who already had a kid.

Sorry, i'm finding it hard to find sympathy.

And separating sounds like a worse deal. Going from co-parenting 6 to being a single parent to 5 sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face...

deedledeedledum · 12/09/2022 11:18

Further to my last post, if after reading it you think, but my kids are living with me full stop. I don't have a problem with them, then you are the problem. Where is the dad of your 3?

BecauseICan22 · 12/09/2022 11:20

OP, perhaps you're just going through an adjustment period and you were already at capacity and the addition of another child has just pushed you over.

You need to talk calmly with your DH and find a solution that works for all the family. His DD is just as much a part of your family as your DC that you had with him and the 3 you bought into the mix from your previous marriage/life.

That little girl must be struggling too, try and see her as a child as opposed to a person that has created more work.

How old are all the DC? Try and get them all to do more in the house and accept that you are an incredibly busy Mum and life is going to be full on for a while.

Is your marriage otherwise a good one? Try and step back from all the noise and breathe. You can do this if you set realistic expectations.

Bootsandcat · 12/09/2022 11:30

6 kids sound like a lot, I’m not surprised you’re at breaking point. Your poor SD though, something must have happened for the arrangement to change, she’s probably finding it hard to adjust. I think you’ll need a big family meeting to get some kind of system in place for chores/ activities etc

Tomorrowisalatterday · 12/09/2022 11:31

I'm not surprised that you feel overwhelmed - 6 kids is a lot! - but it's not fair to blame it all on SD. Splitting up is a drastic option.

Do you think it's that the summer holidays were just too much? Might it settle down now that the kids are back at school?

I would sit down with DP and say that you're overwhelmed and really need more time without all of the kids, not DSD in particular, and look at ways to give you more time out from the kids For example:

You could go back to work (part time if you prefer) and use after school club or childminder for all of the kids once a week

Your DP could rearrange or reduce his hours to do one (or more if possible) early finish

You could pay for a mother's help or babysitter once a week

Your DP could take all of the kids out for a couple of hours every week

You could find some more activities for the kids after school - e.g. they could do a sport together or something else

For the school holidays, I would put all the kids in holiday clubs at least some of the time. I have two kids and I only had 3 weeks off over the summer and I was pretty fed up of them by the end.

Not all of these ideas will work for you, I am sure but hopefully help you in thinking through what might work

StaunchMomma · 12/09/2022 11:31

I'm sorry but you do not get to blame this on that one child!

YOU chose to have 5 children!! You're only having to live with one child that isn't your own, your DP is living with 3 but it's HER that's broken the camel's back?!!

This is a mindset that you have CHOSEN. It makes literally no sense to lay blame at the feet of a child that is, in your own words, nice and well behaved.

Get more physical help and consider seeing your doctor if you think you are depressed but please, do not lay all of that at the feet of a child!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/09/2022 11:32

Reframing it is a good idea, both to yourself internally and to DP. If you're saying it to your DP as you did here, that life after SD moving in is unbearable I can see why he wouldn't be in the best frame of mind about this. If that's the way you're thinking about this to yourself that's not helping you either. The issue isn't SD, it's that you were barley coping with the family you and DP chose and you couldn't cope with anything else. What needs to change so you can cope? I don't know if it's accidental, I noticed you just said SD, not dear step daughter. I wonder how she's feeling in all of this, her life's been completely changed in what can't be easy circumstances for her and her SM doesn't want her there.

You really need to reframe this in your mind, SD isn't the problem and being a single parent to 5 DC will only be less stressful if your DP does nothing at all to contribute. You've already said he does the morning school run, you split you're doing mornings and afternoons on your days with 5, doesn't really sound easier then 6 and 2 parents. Think about this practically, what are the pressure points in your day and what do you need to cope with them?

Meltingsocks · 12/09/2022 11:33

Can you go back to work and DP be a SAHP? Would seem to be his turn.

Banthafodder · 12/09/2022 11:39

Surely SD predated your joint DC, so she would have been part of the mix before your joint DC? Just wondering why you’re framing her as the ‘problem’? Is it more to do with the circumstances that have led to her being with you full time? What’s prompted that - is not something you could have predicted might happen?

EkinWho · 12/09/2022 11:41

You're talking as if she's the extra one. She was there first. You chose to have more children on top of yours and your SD. You are being drastically unfair to associate your understandable stress with having 6 kids in the house to her alone. Why is she with you? A nine year old who is seeing less of their mother all of a sudden is absolutely going to need extra attention, poor child, it sounds like she is having a really hard time.

MichelleScarn · 12/09/2022 11:42

Banthafodder · 12/09/2022 11:39

Surely SD predated your joint DC, so she would have been part of the mix before your joint DC? Just wondering why you’re framing her as the ‘problem’? Is it more to do with the circumstances that have led to her being with you full time? What’s prompted that - is not something you could have predicted might happen?

Good point! What's the ages of dc?

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/09/2022 11:45

This issue aside, you are in a very vulnerable financial situation as you're not married. You are taking care of his children (as well as your own) while he has a career. You really need to think about this long-term.

Novum · 12/09/2022 11:50

If you become a single parent to 5 children with no possibility of sharing responsibilities at least part of the day, won't that be spreading yourself too thinly? And is this really a valid reason to push your youngest children's father out of their day-to-day lives? Or are you proposing that he has primary care for them?

Novum · 12/09/2022 11:52

Your SD probably needs a lot of attention primarily because she's just been through a massive change in her life. At least allow time for things to settle down. You may find it becomes really helpful to have another child around to amuse the younger ones etc.

Theprimeofmissmulroney · 12/09/2022 11:54

Well of course you're stressed. You've got 6 children. That's not SD's fault.

SaharaSahara · 12/09/2022 11:57

I’m sure your biological children give you a lot more problems than your well behaved SD. Blood is thicker than water, it’s true what they say.

Wouldloveanother · 12/09/2022 11:57

User38271438373 · 12/09/2022 10:57

Yes now six and I do feel depressed. I just haven’t got the capacity to care for another child and feel I’m spreading myself too thinly. There is more bickering now and the younger ones are much more excitable. SD needs a lot of attention and I just feel utterly despondent with it all.

Show quote history

So you had the capacity for 5 (your own of course) but add another well behaved child in (that isn’t) and suddenly the household is falling to bits? And while you clearly expect your DH to be fine with 3 kids that aren’t his under the roof, you’re not fine with 1 that isn’t yours?

I think you just resent her presence to be honest. YABVVVVVVU

Fififelix · 12/09/2022 11:58

I can see why he's pissed off he's living with your 3 DC then shared DC doing the school runs in the morning but you can't cope with his 1 DC.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/09/2022 11:59

Of course it's hard, 6 kids!

A 9 yo, two who are little and then 3 teenagers? It's sounds like a fucking nightmare.

So it's a hours after school that are an issue. You need to get the older ones in clubs after school. How old are they? Are the youngest in school? Can they do anything extra curricular. Do you have a park nearby, can you take all 6 outside to burn off some energy, you could even take a picnic tea while the weather is ok.

RandomMusings7 · 12/09/2022 12:01

Meltingsocks · 12/09/2022 11:33

Can you go back to work and DP be a SAHP? Would seem to be his turn.

Someone who's had 5 kids and is a SAHP has most probably accumulated very little work experience thus far. She probably wouldn't be able to get a job that earns as much as her partner's, unfortunately

PortalooSunset · 12/09/2022 12:02

Switch roles with dh, he gets to be sahp while you work full time.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2022 12:04

I don't think your feelings are all that strange. 6 kids is a lot. That said, given you already had 3, he had 1 and together you had 2 this whole thing was going to be chaotic from the start. This is just the natural consequence of that. I think some honest discussions and house rules should be laid down but I'd have been more surprised if given the circumstances there wasn't any friction.

djdkdkddkek · 12/09/2022 12:05

she was in his life before you and your three plus extra 2 kids were

I think it’s shitty that his one child (who is apparently well behaved) isn’t welcome
poor kid

Wouldloveanother · 12/09/2022 12:05

Do your first three kid’s dad have them for weekends etc, or pay any maintenance? Or is your DH funding them while they live full time under his/your roof?