SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

@Scorpio8 It’s pretty shocking actually.

I don't think this is a stepdaughter problem though is it, you said yourself it's the straw that broke the camels back, at the end of the day that straw is just a straw. You need to look at the burdens that caused that straw to be so important. And that's where you will get some answers.

Laying it all at a nine years old door isn't that helpful imo.

All this talk of sectioning teenagers with MH and care homes for younger children with SN is awful.

as is blaming those two children for the issues.

Your posts are genuinely abhorrent.

Aside from the abhorrent wording, it’s the pig ignorant assumption that you can ‘just get sectioned’ nowadays. Mental health services are on their knees, especially for adolescents. The support is shocking.

@User38271438373

Just make sure your getting help for those kids.

Leave SD out of it.

From a mum who has a child additional needs to whatever the issue is push for diagnosis and even MH child. That's the issue here.

Maybe my wording isn't correct but think deep down your know where I am coming from why my comment slapped you hard in the face here. Wake up to all the individuals in your household STOP focusing on your SD.
If you care for your SD maybe time for your DP leave you to get a place of his own.
Allowing him to to bring her there knowing the struggle bad. But you new he wouldn't have a choice to leave you. So decided to take her own in fear of being left alone.
Think about it seriously you know deep down OP what the issue is full well. Don't expect nice replies when you talk about a young girl like that disclosing them issues of two children. Ofcourse people are going point out that what making you stressed.
I know from experience how MH works and a child with behavioural issues.

You need serious help out and hope you get it soon.

Give it rest. You're making an absolute fool of yourself.

@Scorpio8

a eye for a eye makes the whole world blind. Your previous post you may have gotten slack but there were commentors that treated you with kindness..as well as honestly.

I don't know if your realise but we don't speak about sen children the way you have phrased that as it's offensive (although granted I really hope that wasn't your intention with your wording).

It doesn't sound like op resents her DSD it sounds like she's struggling and resents the sheer massive amount of work she's having to do because her DP isn't pulling his weight and has reached burn out.
There's a massive difference between that and resenting her DSD.

This girl has lost her mum, I don't doubt that she requires bandwidth step mum doesn't have right now - and that's no one's fault sm or DSD. It's just a crappy situation.

Otherwise difficult decisions for you OP if them children don't get the help now. Sadly both could end up in care homes.

Please even if you view this as a "truth" in your opinion (and it's not even applicable here) you don't say this type of thing to a struggling mother that her children will be taken away and put into a care home because they are SEN children. It's so so offensive and not applicable here. Fear is going to stop someone reaching out if they fear that reaching out will mean losing their kids.

You can be truthful to someone and say it in a kind constructive way. Some of the comments on here may be part of the course on this board ..but certainly aren't the spirit of the site.

This board is to help people, not kick them with no advice (although your latter posts does have advice which may apply re counselling)

What are you going on about?
are you ok?
it sounds very much like you really need some help from your comments, genuinely.

stop making the nasty comments, and call someone and talk. This is not going to make you feel better.

You've known this little girl since she's 1 year old. You already had 3 dc and had 2 more knowing you already had dc and he had a child. Was she never factored into your family at all. By your own admission this child is well behaved. I think its sad your do has accepted your dc but your not prepared to do the same

This post makes no sense at all, and no, your shouty CAPS do not make it any clearer. The trajectory the thread is taking feels slightly absurd.

But genuinely, thank you to all the supportive posters. Even the ones who were slightly harsh have helped me to reframe and I do mean that. I’m old and ugly enough to take the insults on the chin, but please think about how you speak to people asking for support moving forward. There are human beings on the other side of the keyboard, many who are really struggling. Don’t be a dick.

I think its sad your do has accepted your dc but your not prepared to do the same

The two situations are not equal:

• OP owns the house and houses all the family. DP does not pay rent or mortgage at that house for any of his children or himself
• OP has a job and pays all the costs of her elder children
• OP does all the childcare for ALL of the children
• OP runs the house and sorts all domestic issues while DP works outside the home, including weekends
• DP works full-time, but
• DP has never done childcare for any of the children for anything other than a brief hour or two occasionally (as I read it).

@Scorpio8

I think you have grown up in a very different environment to most of us. But even so, your comments belong back in the 1930s.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

Exactly don't kick someone when they are down speaking from my own thread. Especially with a genuine problem and MN is to help everyone right lol.

@User38271438373

I could of worded it better but definitely meant a lot of it.

Not the children being put care home, sectioned actually I was being sarcastic.

The point is this is not about your SD at all.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Yes I grew up with a very nasty SM who didn't do any good for MH.

You obviously grew up perfect let's all follow your lead. I sure there's also something not quite right with you somewhere.

@Scorpio8 I had an early childhood with one massive family tragedy after another. You could say it was made up of adverse childhood events held together with elastic bands and string. And yet here I am, both a stepchild and an SM. And I'm OK. Not perfect. But OK.

@Scorpio8 I think you might refer to your own thread. I along with others were kind to you. I also pointed out that actually you were clearly someone vulnerable and didn't deserve a kicking. I'm saying the same here as I did on your thread (obviously not verbatim) although I will admit at one point you were pulling our chain but I realised you genuinely needed advice and gave it as such. I am sorry again it wasn't what you wanted to hear but I hope I delivered that as kindly as possible 💐

Saying that OPs kids will be taken away and she needs to be sectioned (even said sarcastically is unkind).

MN will have a variety of opinions and suggestions. I don't take issue with ones that are constructive advice but saying a sp resents their sc isn't on (especially what op has put here doesn't suggest that) as what can she do with that ? Put it on notice board to remember?

Anyway look, this thread has done a weird turn and it's away from what the topic of the op is.

Let's agree to misunderstand disagree with each other.

It will settle down in a bit, the more you make of it, the worse it will feel, also you are being very selfish he'd lived with and no doubt looked after your three children for eight years and your moaning after six months and you said yourself she's a good girl.
Pull yourself together and stop being silly before you ruin your relationship. X

applauds loudly

@pitchforksandflamethrowers this whole post is spot on as far as I am concerned. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves.

OP, it sounds like such a hard situation all around and I hope the tone of some posts on here hasn't made things even harder.

@SD1978

I agree

👏🏼

These blended families where they live together but as in this case - the dh has very very little to do with his 3 step children. 3 children living with him, sharing a lounge, bathroom, eating together, holidaying together. And yet the op explains very “hands off”, never ever has them alone etc.

doesn’t seem like much “blending” going on to me. Seems like strangers living in the same home.

How long ago did your SD move in OP?