SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

Perhaps put some of the kids in after school wrap around care? Sports? My dc do activities after school or play in the park. When kids are kept busy it is easier I think. Less fighting when they are doing sport etc.

Divide and conquer. Lumping a nine year old with younger dc who might be preschoolers isn’t going to work.
Have meal planned, snacks ready for when they all get home.
Older children —- your dc—- I expect have homework. It’s homework time.
Little ones you have TV / colouring / building / any activity that’ll keep them occupied.
DSD with next closest in age you’re doing x,y, z.
Emphaisie low noise level because older ones are doing very important homework.
Half hour garden trampoline/ kickabout etc… This can be noisy, let off steam.

I only had 2 DDs but I did foster for a few years as a single parent so the numbers , and the different needs, swelled. Largest number I had in the house was 7 and two of those had special needs.

Could some of the bickering just be becuase your kids are getting older? So it would happen anyway? Why does she need so much attention? As in what is she doing?

My two eldest started bickering at around 9 years old. The 2nd and 3rd as they hit teenage years. Even with your own kids who have always lived together, things change

Ah so it was perfectly acceptable for your partner to live with your 3 DC and have two more with you but your finding it tough having his biological DC move in who is perfectly nice - as it changes the dynamic. How horrible - I am assuming there is a reason this young person has to move in. Easiest think Is for your OH to move out with his DC. As you seem to be able to manage 5 on your own given he works . Feel
sorry for that young girl

I feel so sorry for your (D)SD. Something has happened for her to have to come and live with you. She must be struggling to come to terms with whatever that was, plus coming into a family where there are now 6 children. This will be so hard for her to deal with, without the the fact that her SM doesn’t want her there, which she will almost certainly have picked up on!

Your DH, is completely correct in pointing out that he has lived with your DC’s (his DSC) for many years, therefore why should his child not be afforded the same care? Would you really rather he put his DD in care, as that seems to be the only other option.

Sorry OP, I know you are struggling, but in this case I think you are out of order. If your DH is a decent person/father, this DD must be his number 1 priority at the moment!

Does the addition of SD mean that the way things used to work (and you were all familiar with) not work any more; and might it be helpful to re-set the entire family to work differently in some way?

I'm guessing you already get shopping delivered, bills paid by DD and so on - to reduce life admin time to a minium, but do the older ones help enough, does everyone have jobs and responsibilities to make things run smoothly, and could you prioritise different kids' needs on different days during the week, so everyone gets "their turn". Six is a lot to cope with and I'm not surprised you and DP are both exhausted, but hopefully there is a way to make it work more efficiently.

It sounds very selfish of you especially as he has taken on your children but yet you are not willing to take on his? That is quite selfish imo.

Depending on the ages I’d be looking at staggering home times , use after school care for the youngest ones so that the big ones can get home, have a biscuit and do their homework in peace , then go get the younger ones. It’s too many kids for most people but every year that passes children get more independent and aloof and will be off with their friends and not under your feet. Can you adapt your home? Maybe set up a big shed as a summerhouse and give the opportunity for the kids to spread out and argue less? I get stressed with one needy chatterbox and have to escape sometimes - i’d have been on the first plane to Peru with six ! I do sympathise. You owe it to everyone though, to try and implicate practical solutions here and try to make it work, ground rules , time apart , kids kept out of each other’s way as much as possible , older children being given pocket money to do chores etc etc . Go a bit old school and try to establish some order through rigorous routines and delegation .

So if you know you're depressed get yourself to the doctors and stop blaming it on the child. She's 8 years old FFS and at school all day. Not like the child is crawling around your legs all day.
And as per PP, where is the dad of the other three that you don't have with your present husband?

Wow, what an avalanche of judgement, OP. Nine is an age that crops up time after time on this forum, there must be a reason. I suspect she is too old for the young ones and too young for your older ones and is very lonely and unsure of where she stands. My instinct would be give her a job, a role within the family.

How is your health? Any peri/menopause issues? Sleep issues?

Do you have any help from family with looking after the children? Does DH do any household tasks or just school run? How long is your working day? Do you ever sit down?

Are you now officially overcrowded? Are the children bickering because they now have to share too much? Do you have a garden they can escape into?

Is money a significant issue?

Don’t use your step daughter as a scapegoat for your hard life as a SAHM. You had 5 children to care for before that. And as previous posters have said, your husband has lived with three of your children from your previous marriage.

She's gone!

OP please come back, I can understand why it is so hard, especially if SD needs lots of support.

Can you utilise after school care for all dc and then both you and dh care for them for the remaining evening, surely easier with 2? Same with school holidays? Holiday camps for all dc for 3 days a week on rotation so you take care of them in small groups and have big family days out at the weekend when you have 2 parents on hand.

Can you get more help? Cleaning help for instance with the saved CM from dp?

I would try and look at solutions. If she needs lots of support emotionally then a counsellor could relieve the pressure on you?

Obviously you have too many kids, but it's too late to change that now. You think it'll be any easier being a single parent with 5?

Have a conversation with your DP about how can make things easier. Tackle the issue as actual partners, not adversaries.

Don’t use your step daughter as a scapegoat for your hard life as a SAHM

This

You knew the score when you met him and agreed to have a further family with him. It was always a possibility that his children could have needed looking after in the event something happened to his ex wife.

Why are you surprised at your feelings, you need to include this girl.
Keep quiet and get on with the job without making her feel less than, you have the capability of making her feel wanted.

Your SD is part of your family. You accept her as one of your own, and find a way to make your blended work, or you separate. Her dad can bring her up, and share custody of the two that are his.

She doesn't deserve to be treated badly. She never asked to be brought into this world, or her dad take on five children after her.

Some really decent advice here op… I think it’s calling the dsd the problem that’s caused the uproar. If you’d posted that you have 6dc to deal with and it’s getting too much your responses would have been more productive and sympathetic.

unless you actually do think dsd is the issue then you need to appreciate you took them on with the relationship and can’t label her the problem. Please don’t let dsd get wind of your thought process it’ll be very damaging on her and if she’s come to live with you it’s likely she’s gone from one drama to here. 2 hours with 6 is something I would grin and bear as a lesser of 2 evils it splitting felt like the best option although tbh if it’s come to this it sounds like there’s more to it. 1 more in the mix at 5 won’t be the biggest issue. Would you feel the same if the 6th was your full dc?

But the problem isn't SD is it, because you say
she is pleasant and well-behaved
you only look after her alone for two hours per day
things were already hectic before she moved in.

You are homing in on her to blame when it's not her causing the problem.
How old are all of the children?
What are you doing during the day and what are you doing after school?

If you can afford to then o think you need to throw money at the situation. Cleaner at least once a week who also does ironing and beds, online shopping and then someone after school who can be an extra pair of hands to help you with all the after school stuff / dinner / clearing up etc. 6 kids is too many so if you can’t manage and this isn’t about SD you can have help: if you can’t afford help you’ll have to it up and deal with it

Are you able to afford any outside help?

I feel sorry for SD that she is labelled the reason behind your stress in your post. This is your doing (obvs together with your DP). You entered into a relationship where there were 4 DC present and added two more. You and your DP need to put your heads together and draw on all resources you have (be it cash or family or friends) and try and improve the situation. Unless there are other underlying issues, suggesting a break up seems dramatic. Bear in mind it won’t alway be like this. Kids grow up fast and the dynamic changes all the time.