SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

I find one hectic being single. I would not go into a blended family situation after dating someone with 2 young children, I know it is not for me and you see constant posts about problems in this situation.

What happened to mean SD lives with you full time now?

Why is she living with you? Is it permanent or might she go back to her Mum?

I think this is because the others are yours and she isn't. I know that I could not care for another child the way I do my own DS and feel the same about it, because I love him more than anything in the world and I would not if he were not my child. I know it isn't helpful to say, but you chose to have a 6 child family because you knew he already had one. Seperating won't help, you will then be a single parent to 5 kids. Better to try and find ways of coping, saying to your DP the problem is all the kids.

Why has she come to live with you now? Is her DM no longer around?

I think your only options are to split up, both work part time and split childcare, or carry on as you are.

You absolutely cannot ask that his child doesn’t live with. She has every bit as much right to be there as your children do.

Usually, I’d say your husband should be picking up the extra work, but since you’re a SAHM, I’m assuming he’s already been supporting your children in some way? Even if their personal expenses come out of maintenance from their dad/your savings etc, it’s likely that he pays most of the household bills? If so, changing the goal posts now to each of you only being responsible for your own children would be massively unfair.

I would take a step back and look at the whole package. Are you able to say what happened that meant that your SD came to live with you FT - she's been through a lot but is still behaving well in your home. One point for Team SD!

I'd take a look at the whole bundle of six kids - where do they sleep, how are rooms divided up, are you getting enough sleep? Rational thought is difficult if you're constantly overtired.

Make a list of all the household tasks and make sure your DP is taking his share e.g. now that you have 6 people's washing to do. I'd get all older DC taking on some of the tasks around the house to lighten your load. Use a slow cooker to do big group meals so you aren't standing cooking for 6 every evening.

Then step back and think about what you want your life to look like. What else needs to change?

This. He's put up with your 3 kids, now you're complaining about his. Really really selfish attitude

is she staying forever? How is the house set up? Do you have a quiet space at all you can retreat to for a bit every day to read or relax?
It sounds like it's 6 children, rather than this 1 child that has tipped you over the edge. 6 is a lot, especially if you are a sahm as the emotional and mental load is all on you.
I think there's great advice on here re getting a job to give you a chance to escape or be your own person for a bit.
What age are your children?
Where's the father of yours? Does he ever take your 3?

This is so unfair on your SD. How do you pay your DP for your three children who aren’t his as you have said you don’t work. He might be better off getting his own place for him and his daughter and just pay maintenance for his own two children with you.

What ages are all the children ?

If Sd has moved i suddenly expect she will need a lot of attention..

What do you think would help?

I don’t think it is SD that is the issue, I think that whilst 5 is full on, 6 is the one that broke the camel’s back.

But all kids are here now so it isn’t like anyone has any choice. You can’t make your husband feel bad about his child.

Look at how your house is run and see what can be managed better to give you some respite. Maybe simpler meals, doing chores together, better systems in place, outside help - cleaner etc.

Split yourselves up during certain times so that one is with the older kids and the other with the younger kids.

Do your kids see or spend time with their father? How old are the kids?

I feel really sorry for that little girl. You admit she has no behaviour issues, she is just a little girl who wants love and attention.

If you did split, he would have a better chance finding someone with 3 kids vs your 5 you would bring into a new relationship. I think you are being ridiculous.

Well I think he probably realises now that his daughter is seen as a second class citizen in his home

if the roles were reversed and a guy was being shitty to her child we’d tell her to leave

SD isn't the problem, you being unable to manage is the problem so what are the options? I presume you aren't suggesting SD moves out as it isn't last in first out.

If relationship is good then splitting up seems a bad choice. Also i dont think that willl give you less to do.

Is a cleaner and option? Online shopping? What can be done to take some of the load off? A long lie/morning off at the weekend?
How old are the oldest? Could they help out a bit more. How young are the youngest Is this a short time issue until they are at school?

If you are this close to the edge why on earth did you choose to have 5 children of your own? Most of us have 1 or two. Sorry being harsh but the situation is of your making.

I know ‘feckless dads’ are a lot more common than this scenario, but I know a handful of women who seem to see their husband’s kids from his first marriage as just an annoyance standing in the way of their ‘Disney’ family. Of course, they don’t apply this to their own kids from previous relationships, who live with them and have been enthusiastically taken on and paid for by the new husband. It absolutely stinks and makes me so annoyed. One of the couples had a blazing row recently as she wanted to book a holiday of a lifetime with just her/their kids, whereas he said if his kids with his ex weren’t invited then it ain’t happening. I thought, good for him!

This

Take a long hard look at yourself OP

Very very true!

6 DC is a lot to care for.
I echo other posters in wondering if you could get outside help, cleaner or outsource ironing?
Do you ever get any down time when your own go to their Dads or SD goes to her DMs?

I completely agree with the post about re-framing the problem.

"Between us we have a lot of kids, and I'm finding things really hard at the moment. What can we all do to make things easier?" I think your DH will be more willing to engage with this than if you put all the blame on his DD.

Additional childcare or help with the house (eg a cleaner)? Find ways of encouraging the older DC to be more independent or help out around the house, to ease the burden on you? Simpler meals? Maybe look at dropping any after school activities that cause extra stress?

Just re read the op I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

so and your kids and her siblings have been in her life since she was 1 and you're ready to split all this family up and blame her? That is dreadful!