SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

i agree with what others have said. Your SD isn’t the issue here not is she at fault. You had more kids than you could cope with on the assumption that SD would only need care EOW. Huge mistake and an unfair assumption to make. Separation won’t fix anything as you’ll still have 5 kids to look after plus all the upheaval of the separation. You should however need to look urgently at anything that can reduce your workload and give you more time to yourself. I think if you talk to your DH about your needs in this you may have a more constructive conversation. Look at before/after school clubs for all the children, even if only 2 children are at club that would be a slightly quieter day. Can you get help with cleaning, ironing. Can DH batch cook at the weekend and freeze it so you don’t have to cook every day? Think about getting time to yourself while they are at school/childcare. Make sure you stop and rest at times. Do you get out on your own when DH is home to look after the kids? Even a walk for 30 mins will help. Often it’s lots of little changes that cumulatively help relieve the pressure. Try everything you can think of to reduce the pressure and keep trying until it feels a bit better. 2 parents trying to meet the needs of 6 children as well as their own needs is the problem so focus on how to best do that.

That could mean all sorts of things though.

There is something specific going on that feels like looking after the SD is too much. Insisting it’s only a pick up and a couple of hours is very dismissive and doesn’t really get at what exactly it is that feels so much harder.

How old are the other children? You may need to change how you do things to manage a family with 6 children. Talk to parents in other large families - both the mom and dad need to be willing to use "large family" strategies. For example, all the children need to do more chores. For example, after dinner, everyone helps tidy up: someone is sweeping, someone is packing the dishwasher, etc. The littles also need chores, even if they are just little chores. Share out bathroom cleaning: everyone over the age of x takes a turn. Mopping: same. Folding laundry: same - accept imperfect folding, things will not always be done to perfection. Decide on a standard of "good enough" and enforce that. You might need a clothes dryer if you don't have one. You cannot hang clothing for 6 all over the radiators, it's not going to work. Your partner needs to support you on adding help to make sure you can get everything done, because a mum who has a nervous breakdown is not in his interests or in the interests of the children. Also, get a dinner bell. It doesn't just work for dinner, you can use it any time you need to call the whole family together. Hope that helps.

It certainly is. I'm not entirely buying the OP but there is a lot of good advice here.

You said she's a nice kid so before splitting up the long established family I'd look at making family life easier.

You doing more hours and dh less??
Cleaner
Shopping delivered
More easier meals
Get older children involved more in sharing tasks.
Get everyone to put plates in dishwasher and help tidy after tea. Put music on and have fun.
Easy pizza bases one night etc

It's got to be worth a try

Maybe you’d feel better if you got a job. Then you’d be out the house and away from all the children for part of the day.

I can’t see how your own life would be easier if you left him. You’d have 5 to look after by yourself and you’d probably have to work unless you’d get a lot of maintenance from DP and your older DC’s dad.

Thanks for all the supportive messages and suggestions.

I (me!) own our house outright, freelance from home on a part time basis as and when, DP does not support my older DC financially. We share household costs. He has never had a ‘hands on’ relationship with my older DC and has never had to care for them alone on a regular basis. He has always worked a lot, often on weekends. I look after SD on these days and throughout holidays.

Our youngest child has behavioural problems and possible SN which can makes things difficult.

it’s not so much the physical burden, I run a fairly tight ship and everyone helps out, it’s more the emotional strain of having to meet everyone’s emotional needs in the house. It’s been a difficult year and one teen is having MH issues. Now I have another child who’s needs I must meet and I feel like I’m failing constantly.

You sound overwhelmed, if you tell your Dp that you are overwhelmed and unhappy and his reaction is that you are ridiculous then that is a problem.
You have her for 10 hours a week on your own, was there much discussion about this beforehand or was in an assumption on his part?
Did he ever become default carer for your children while you weren't there?
SD being there is probably not break up worthy but his lack of interest in your wellbeing and dismissive attitude is.

I'm not suggesting it's a coincidence. In the post I made prior to the one you quoted, I suggested that a sixth child in the mix could easily be the final straw, and I stand by that. The OP has said nothing to suggest antipathy towards her SD. in fact she has praised her and said she likes her. My understanding of her issue is that she is overwhelmed and struggling to cope.

If pps on this thread are really suggesting that they can't see how suddenly going from 5 children to 6 could produce this feeling of overwhelm, then imho there's some deliberate disingenuity (and possibly more than a little personal projection) in the mix here.

Well, you are most definitely not failing, but you can't really be expected to be able to meet everyone's needs full stop/

It is interesting that your dh doesn't support your dc, but you are expected to support his? How do you feel about that?

I can well understand why you are feeling so under strain. The emotional needs are the hardest part of parenting older dc, especially teens with MH health issues.
Dh needs to get involved with emotionally supporting his child op. I would say to your SD your Dad will be home soon, it would be best to speak to him about this. It can't all be down to you. Is she without a mother now op? You haven't mentioned her mother, so I am wondering if that is the emotional fall out? Poor darling. Sounds so hard for that little girl, but it isn't possible to pour from an empty jug - you are massively over extended.

Counselling for SD
Her Dad needs to spend time with her every night, just listening
You can focus on the other dc
All kids spend more time in after school care, so you are having a break

Or you can leave of course op, but then are then left with five dc to manage which is a lot to cope with alone.

Could you run to some paid help? A cleaner is the thing people usually think of, but I wonder whether what you could do with is someone to come in for a couple of hours after school and play with the younger ones so you can give the older ones some attention, or help the older ones with homework. If yours are younger teens, then maybe a sixth-former would be an option to do something like this.

@bringincrazyback projection of what? 5 children is a huge amount of work and that’s why, on any thread where the OP is wondering whether to have a 3rd/4th/5th child, most posters caution against it. It seems the chickens have come home to roost on that for OP, but obviously that can’t be changed now. But it was foreseeable. It doesn’t sound like SD has added hugely to OP’s workload - she’s well behaved and old enough not to be a danger to herself, it just sounds like a case of making an extra portion of dinner and making sure she doesn’t leave the house etc.

A good suggestion, a mothers help after school.

I think this is a sensible suggestion, an au pair or capable sixth former. OP could advertise at her local college that does childcare courses.

Op has expressly said it is the 'emotional needs' of the children, especially her SD she is finding so difficult. People only have so much capacity in any more day. I reach my limit with two teens regularly. It is really very draining supporting others properly.

would is right. She could also babysit at the weekends, so you can actually go out and have some fun and relieve the pressure.

Don't be so naive.

The addition of another individual to a household is always going to change the dynamic of that household hugely, in all sorts of ways. It's ludicrous to suggest it's just a matter of keeping an eye on an extra kid and putting out an extra helping at mealtimes.

By 'projection' I meant that I feel some posters on this thread are perhaps stepchildren themselves and projecting their own personal issues.

Another extra child is huge! I couldn't and wouldn't do it and I don't have 5 dc.
Is it permanent op?
Why can't she go back to the other parent sometimes or grandparents?

A 9 year old suddenly joining your household full time has a lot of emotional needs - there’s obviously a reason child is no longer living with her mum. So it’s not the 2 hours it’s the emotional support needed on top of other 5.
Can you explain to him that he needs to parent his child at this transition time eg can he take parental leave or alter hours for a few months whilst she gets settled.

Really?! Well why can't OP's 3 kids go to their father or grandparents sometimes? Have you considered that for SD to move houses something quite tragic must have happened, like her mother dying or becoming too unwell to care for her?

How callous of you to suggest that OP simply offload her somewhere else...

Why can't she go back to the other parent sometimes or grandparents?

The same can be asked for OP's oldest three children from previous marriage.... are they going to their dad EOW? Not sure that's been mentioned?

Frankly, OP and her DH chose to have 6 kids between them, so she needs to suck it up and deal with the change. DH's daughter should never have been excluded from OP's calculations whether she could have two more, as there was always an outside possibility she might have to stay full-time with her dad.

It's cetainly not the 9-year-old's fault (who, presumably, would have been through some trauma/upheaval leading to her being there). What a terrible thought that her stepmum resents her being there.

What changed in the stepdaughter's life 6 months ago that she had to move in with you?

So your freelancing hours now and then enable you to pay half the bills in the house? That’s pretty good going. Could you pick up some more hours, and DH drop some to help more at home? You also say he isn’t hands on, yet he does your kids school run every morning?

You need to put younger ones and SD into after school club if you can afford it.

Tbh it's the younger children with suspected SEN who sound like the hardest work.

Could you stretch to a cleaner?

Yes, that's what i was going to ask. What exactly do you want your DP to do, throw his 9 year old out on the streets?