AIBU expecting my husband to come?

[Flyawayy]

My gran lives in another country. She is getting quite frail and elderly.

Myself and DH have been out to see her a couple of times over the years before we had our now two year old and she's been here to see us too. I've also been out on my own plenty of times as well.

She has asked if all the family will come out to see her and have a little family get together as in her words she doesn't think she'll get to do it for much longer.

She's invited me, DH, our child, my parents, my auntie, uncle and my cousin's to stay with her for 5 days.

This falls on a time as aren't due to have DSC so I assumed no problem.

Except DH is saying he thinks it's unreasonable they haven't been invited firstly and secondly he feels he can't go as it looks like we're taking our child on holiday when we haven't taken DSC this year (couldn't afford abroad in the summer holidays but did have a long weekend in the UK).

AIBU in thinking he should come? It's possibly the last time we'll get to be there with my gran. It's not necessarily a holiday but just a family spending time with each other.

DSC don't really know my gran so I'm not surprised they haven't been asked. There's also not unlimited space either (there's two of them). They don't know my auntie and uncle or my cousin's either.

I think he's being a dick refusing to go because his children haven't been invited when they don't know my gran. He wouldn't care if it were a family meal over here they weren't invited to, but because it's something which could be seen as a bit fun then it's unfair?

They aren't equally part of the grans family no, and it seems aparant that DH doesn't consider himself part of her family either.

Not sure why everyone's going on about who he or I see as family. It's not for us. There are plenty of people in my family (MIL, FIL, SIL etc..) who I care about and who I consider my family but who won't be considered family by my grandma.

If I were planning a family gathering that would be very different.

If you don't consider your step DC family then he should also be allowed to not go

It's not about me or who I consider as family. It's about who my gran does and clearly she doesn't (understandably imo) see them as her family.

I don't think they would be

Yes you are right. Apologies. It is your grans invitation.

Because the nonresident children own all their father’s annual leave. The resident child should simply be grateful that they live with their father and can benefit from being allowed to be there when their dad uses his leave for the SC.

according to many on MN anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can see both points of view tbh. I think I’d really struggle to go abroad with just one of my children, but of course you’d like him there for support.

I totally understand why your gran wouldn’t invite children she doesn’t know well if she’s in bad health. But from your husband’s view point, he’s no more related to her than his children are. None of them are related by blood but they all are by marriage.

It’s a difficult situation and you both need to talk openly about your feelings with each other.

Your husband clearly doesn't want to go and is making any excuse. I really don't see any reason why his ex-wife would be happy for him to drag along her kids to go and see someone abroad.
I would suggest that if he's prone to wanting to get his own way all the time , that you just say that you are going, your child is going and if he wants to come and support thats then upto him, but there is no point in him being there if he doesn't want to be.
If he geniuinly believes what he's telling you and he isn't prone to childish behaviour then try to explain to him that there is a finite budget and finite rooms and this is what someone else has decided, not what you have decided.
Personally though I think it's petty behaviour and perhaps you should evaluate the dynamics in your relationship with him and also think about why him and his ex split up.

But from your husband’s view point, he’s no more related to her than his children are. None of them are related by blood but they all are by marriage

I see this but as you say, my husband would be there for support for me. There's no reason for my step children to be there. They don't know her or the majority of the people going and they wouldn't be of any support for me.

He only wants them to come because he thinks they might have a good time. But that's not the purpose of this trip, it's not about having a jolly for kids my gran barely knows.

I just feel it's incredibly selfish to make it about that. As I say, he wouldn't care if it were a meal in this country or just visiting her for a brew and a biscuit because that's boring enough. But because he thinks his children might get a bit of fun out of it now he wants them to come. It feels like just using my gran actually.

Family is lever this black and white.

Apart from anything, some of them are immediate (blood) relations and others are in-laws. The SC are in law relations to their stepparent.

Them there the fact that some of the people related in law are not related in any way to the in law relation of others. Your mother is in no way related to your mother in law, and they may never have even met. Your sister’s husband (your BIL) is in no way related to your husband’s sisters husband (his BIL).

where there are half siblings, they will have whole families that do not have anything to do with one another. The SC’s maternal cousins are no relation at all to their (paternal) half siblings maternal cousins (or, indeed, any of their cousins on either side).

So it’s just nonsensical in any situation to claim that anyone is either family or not. It’s much more complex than that in any family. More so where there are stepfamily relationships too.

Are the stepkids a convenient excuse? A lot of people wouldn't want to go to visit their spouse's grandparent for 5 days & she is not your husband's family. Maybe just accept that it will be a lot easier to go without him.

When you seperate that's what you sign up for. Life has to carry on when they aren't there.

He is a twat.
Go without him regardless of what he says.

Do not say NO to your gran. You’ll regret it. Speaking from experience there (similar situation with my gran)

I agree. I would feel the same if my parents offered to do something with DC and DH insisted it wasn't fair unless DSC could go. Its incredibly rude and tries to force a relationship that isn't there.

@Countingdowntodecember but would you struggle when some if your dcs get to go on hols with their dad but some of your dcs don’t get a hols because they have a different father and you can’t afford a hols for all of them?

I mean it’s really unfair on the younger set of children nit to have any hols right?

The bottom line is that it’s impossible to treat two set of children equally when they have different fathers/mothers. It’s a shame yes. It’s also the reality of blended families.

(I also would ask if those children actually have ANY interest in going to a foreign country to meet up people unrelated to them and to do stuff centred on things of no interest to them - like seeing a great grand ma that isn’t theirs etc….).

They’re 50/50 so this is a moot point

If it’s 50/50 one week on and one week off, how does that fit with a 2 week holiday?

I'd go absolutely fucking nuclear. Ask him if he is honestly justifying not being there for you when you see your gran for potentially the last time because his kids that don't even know her, aren't invited? Is that really what he is saying?

Because when you got married, you expected a loving supportive relationship and a man who would be there for you, not some limp dicked twat bleating about how its not fair. Of course its fair, its not a fucking holiday, it's a last visit with a relative that his kids don't know.

What a selfish cunt.

I can't wrap my head around this, you're seeing your gran for perhaps the last time in person and he wants DSC to go because it'll be fun? He should be going to support you, he can make it clear to DSC it's not a holiday, it's going to be lots of adults they don't know catching up with each other and having some last quite moments with their mother/grandmother. If my DC were the DSC in this situation I'd be talking to them about what the trip was for and why it's not a fun holiday to take DC on. Not everything has to involve them and him thinking your gran to pay for step grandkids she doesn't know to come is really unreasonable.

It's not a holiday, it's a duty visit and he doesn't really want to go, otherwise he would have said yes and done the necessary to be there. The DSC are his excuse. (I can't think of a more boring few days as a kid than hanging around with a load of old people I don't know.)

Go on your own with your little one, it's not necessary to be joined at the hip with DH and present a unified front to your family. You're a grown woman and you don't need an escort. You'll have the rest of your family there for any support you might need.

Book two tickets, have fun. I don't think it's a big deal.

I would have said that not being bothered about supporting your dwife when she is doing what might well be one of her last visits to her gran IS a big deal.

A very self centred attitude imo and not the reaction I would expecting in a supportive partner. It’s that sort of stuff that destroy relationships imo.

Op can you outline what support you feel you need from him?

i get the whole ‘this could be the last visit’ it very well may not be.

I think some of us are struggling to see why it’s a big deal wether he goes or not, because you keep mentioning support being required. Your whole family will be there for support.

WTF. Becuase he is her husband and they are meant to do something as a couple. Not just carry on with their lives as two seperate entities until all the kids can be there. EOW marriage?

I would have said that not being bothered about supporting your dwife when she is doing what might well be one of her last visits to her gran IS a big deal.

But for lots of us, it’s not a big deal.

My mum died last year. Dp wasn’t with me the last time I visited her. She was aging and becoming more immobile but I didn’t consider I need support every time I went.

Its not a living wake. It’s a family visit.

Some of us, just see it differently.

Holiday times are often split differently.