AIBU expecting my husband to come?

[Flyawayy]

My gran lives in another country. She is getting quite frail and elderly.

Myself and DH have been out to see her a couple of times over the years before we had our now two year old and she's been here to see us too. I've also been out on my own plenty of times as well.

She has asked if all the family will come out to see her and have a little family get together as in her words she doesn't think she'll get to do it for much longer.

She's invited me, DH, our child, my parents, my auntie, uncle and my cousin's to stay with her for 5 days.

This falls on a time as aren't due to have DSC so I assumed no problem.

Except DH is saying he thinks it's unreasonable they haven't been invited firstly and secondly he feels he can't go as it looks like we're taking our child on holiday when we haven't taken DSC this year (couldn't afford abroad in the summer holidays but did have a long weekend in the UK).

AIBU in thinking he should come? It's possibly the last time we'll get to be there with my gran. It's not necessarily a holiday but just a family spending time with each other.

DSC don't really know my gran so I'm not surprised they haven't been asked. There's also not unlimited space either (there's two of them). They don't know my auntie and uncle or my cousin's either.

I think he's being a dick refusing to go because his children haven't been invited when they don't know my gran. He wouldn't care if it were a family meal over here they weren't invited to, but because it's something which could be seen as a bit fun then it's unfair?

Ok ok. Halfly there.

Better

Your prescription of how he should allocate his annual leave amongst his children is whack though.

As a different perspective if I was the bio mum I wouldn’t be upset at all at my boys step mum and dad not taking my ds with them I would feel no Ill bad feelings towards you at all and would completely understand why they weren’t invited . Your dh is being precious and unreasonable. Go without him if that’s how he feels and enjoy your time with your gran , life is precious make the most of your family trip

It doesn't have to be completely to the day but the DC he actually has responsibility for 100% of the time need a fair amount of his annual leave otherwise its not fair on OP if they have to cover all the sickness etc.

None of those cases are about a situation where one person might need some support. You are talking about a hobby/seeing friends. The OP is talking about a situation where she might well never spent time with her gran and other family members together ever again.
A very different situation.

Plus of course. It’s a ONE OFF. Refusing to make an effort for your partner for a ONE OFF where they need help is crap.
Of course much easier for the partner. I hope they won’t need support later on though. Because they might well find themselves on the receiving end of ‘well I don’t want to’ too.

I imagine what would happened when partners decide they won’t see the ILs because they don’t want to and it’s a pain. Christmases, birthdays etc…
Hmm… not how I want to spend my life. But hey you do you.

So if the child is hardly at their dad and hardly at their mums?

where do they live?😁

But the exact same applies to the DSC get sick on the DH’s time it will be his responsibility to have to take annual leave or arrange cover. You can’t tell the DSC to make sure they are sick equally between their father and mother’s time.

They are older than the toddler so are going to have more holidays that needs covering. Schools shut for inset days and half terms as well as the summer. Nursery doesn’t. And if the OP is currently a SAHM then the DH won’t need to take time off to cover sickness etc.

There’s been no mention of whether the DSC would need to be taken out of school for the trip so it must be during school holidays. Unless the OP has completely forgotten to think about that detail.

What support?! Still not clear what kind of suport does a woman need in 2022 to go on a short break with one small child to visit her extended family? She will be surrounded by support from the people who have known her longest. She's not going to be alone with strangers. Unless the OP has undisclosed additional needs, that require her OH specifically to deal with, this still isn't clear.

It isn't his responsibility to ensure she's not ever on an aeroplane alone.

My OH Nan was recently thought to be at the end of her life so he flew to see her and met his mother and brother over there, I didn't go because he is a big boy and I chose to stay back and hold things down at home. He's capable of dealing with this situation with his family. As would I be.

We both have the ability not to carry a grudge nor feel we have to put the other on the receiving end of anything for not complying. Because I don't resent his independent will nor he mine.

You keep shouting ONE OFF, but it's only a one off if it never happens again that he doesn't want to go where she goes, or vice versa, which is really unlikely.

I don't have to imagine what would happen if one person in my partnership didn't want to see the inlaws if they don't feel like it, because it happens, and nothing sets on fire. It's a revelation!

For me there is more joy in being somewhere alone than being accompanied by someone you have had to persuade to be there, knowing they would rather be somewhere else, just so you're not on your own.

Exactly @GreenManalishi

I’m also flummoxed @Flyawayy what support you need that can’t be provided by your parents and other relatives. I’m presuming you’re likely to be on the same plane as some of them so they’ll be able to help look after the toddler. Your gran is not in hospital on her death bed so you won’t need that type of emotional support.

And as she’s still living at home and hosting all 6+ you st get house (minimum of 6 going by description), she must be in fair good health. So surely quite a bit of it will be fun and jolly. Because you’re not going to sit in a hospital or nursing home or to move her in to a nursing home. You’re going for a family visit with with an elderly but still capable family member. I don’t see how most of that won’t be happy times.

Plus of course. It’s a ONE OFF. Refusing to make an effort for your partner for a ONE OFF where they need help is crap.

It might be a one off. Only if she passes away. It might not be. She may live years.

Op, said the Gran requested him. So I can see why she would want him to go.

But there’s a difference between ‘needing support’ and ‘would like him there’.

Also surely, the family will be travelling together. So op wouldn’t be flying totally alone.

Surely it's about who your grandma wants to see? Has she asked to see your step children? If not then your dh is being a bit unreasonable

Surely it's about who your grandma wants to see?

Exactly!!!!

This is an event that the OP's grandmother is hosting, and not just paying for, but paying for all her guests airfares! She gets to invite who the hell she likes, and she does not get guilted into paying airfares for two children who she does not know, and does not have room for.

Expecting anything other is madness, and OP's need for 'support' when she's surrounded by her own family, and has one whole child to wrangle, is frankly, a bit pathetic.

For all those saying the OP should not expect her DH to go everywhere with her... this really doesn't seem like the issue. The issue seems to be that he expects his DSC to go, too.

So he either genuinely believes that his DSC should invite themselves overseas to stay with someone they don't know (at her expense) or he is using it as an excuse. Either way, he's being an arse.

His loss. He's being a dick.

He wants to force the SC onto your gran. They are not part of her family.

He should go to support you.

It seems the prevailing view is that women should prioritize their children over their husband and men should prioritize their wives over their children.

Why does your gran are if he goes? She barely knows him and doesn't know his children. Just because she personally doesn't consider his kids to be part of your family doesn't mean you have to agree. Just like if your DH's parents don't consider you part of their family and decide only to invite DH and the kids to things, it doesn't mean you have to agree.

I think DH trumps here. These are his kids. You aren't a child or a pet or a plant or a dependent so the idea that you need an adult to accompany you to take care of you makes no sense to me.

Personally I would think better of a man who kept his leave for his children than spent it on his wife's grandmother.

OP, I dont think you are in the wrong here. He is!

It's your gran asking (and paying) for a chance to have HER family together. She sees your husband as family.

God forbid when the time comes and your gran passes away, is he going to insist the SDC come with you for the funeral so they dont miss out or refuse to accompany and support you?

It's not a jolly or a holiday. It's maybe the last chance for you to spend time with your grandparent. That has fuck all to do with your DSC who dont have a relationship with her.

The point of this is that the gran has invited who she wants and is going to pay for them to come. And why shouldn't she?

The fact that no one has had a holiday is irrelevant as this is not being paid for by family holiday savings.

Your husband can't expect the whole world to revolve around your misplaced guilt, nor can he expect you to implore an old lady to pay for his other children to come and visit her at her house, when they don't know her and probably are not that interested anyway!

I don't think there's much prioritising his wife in this situation, because the children weren't invited and aren't meant to be there anyway - and there's no choice between 'holiday with all kids vs trip for OP to visit her grandmother' because they don't have savings for a holiday in any case. He should just seperate the two issues and support his wife, and think about saving for an actual holiday as a seperate issue.

Holidays are about both time (off) and money. Using your time off for a holiday to see wife's gran means a week less holiday time with your own kids. That is prioritizing your wife over your kids. Clearly gran is loaded if this is an all expenses paid international trip for a large extended family. Just because her DH doesn't have that kind of money to take his kids abroad on holidays, doesn't mean he should forego holiday time with his kids.

Does anyone who object to this think the stepkids will grow up and say 'omg I can't believe OP went to visit her elderly grandmother without me when I was at my mum's, my father should have stayed home alone quietly at the house as we didn't go with OP'

Wouldn't he be working? Why would be just be quietly alone at the house while she is away? I assume he would carry on with his normal life.

I don't think OP has mentioned annual leave being an issue. She mentioned he has visited with her before she had her child. It seems more it's about her DH'S guilt about doing something with one child but not the others, because he doesn't have the money to take his kids on holiday. Which is very much not OP's gran's concern. OP and DH can take the kids on a holiday when they can afford it and this trip doesn't change that.

My view is that life doesn't stop for SC at their mum's, why should it? I don't think it's healthy for guilt to run everything, who actually benefits? If this were an issue of splitting time or money equitably, that would be different. But OP hasn't said those are the issues.

I think his excuse is weak but if he doesn't want to go, why force him? You are making a bigger thing out of it than you need to.

Personally I would think better of a man who kept his leave for his children than spent it on his wife's grandmother.

That’s fine. But next time he wants OP to go to a family event, or wants her to sacrifice some of her time to do something with the DSC, then he needs to be prepared for her to refuse on the grounds that she’d rather spend her time with her own child. And then ultimately it’s not much of a marriage or partnership.