AIBU expecting my husband to come?

[Flyawayy]

My gran lives in another country. She is getting quite frail and elderly.

Myself and DH have been out to see her a couple of times over the years before we had our now two year old and she's been here to see us too. I've also been out on my own plenty of times as well.

She has asked if all the family will come out to see her and have a little family get together as in her words she doesn't think she'll get to do it for much longer.

She's invited me, DH, our child, my parents, my auntie, uncle and my cousin's to stay with her for 5 days.

This falls on a time as aren't due to have DSC so I assumed no problem.

Except DH is saying he thinks it's unreasonable they haven't been invited firstly and secondly he feels he can't go as it looks like we're taking our child on holiday when we haven't taken DSC this year (couldn't afford abroad in the summer holidays but did have a long weekend in the UK).

AIBU in thinking he should come? It's possibly the last time we'll get to be there with my gran. It's not necessarily a holiday but just a family spending time with each other.

DSC don't really know my gran so I'm not surprised they haven't been asked. There's also not unlimited space either (there's two of them). They don't know my auntie and uncle or my cousin's either.

I think he's being a dick refusing to go because his children haven't been invited when they don't know my gran. He wouldn't care if it were a family meal over here they weren't invited to, but because it's something which could be seen as a bit fun then it's unfair?

OP, only you know if he's using the DSC as an excuse - does he have form for this? Either way his behaviour is poor.

As PPs pointed out, would he insist on the DSC attending your gran's funeral?

I'd speak to him one more time and explain why it's important to you. If he won't budge then go with your child.

That is different as your older child was also on vacation and doing something really fun. Ops DH mentioned that they couldn't afford to do anything with the older kids so a very different scenario than this. If this DH was going to the family reunion while the kids were away at Disney with their mom - different story.

He wasn’t necessarily on those holidays at the same time. He was just with his dad, who did regularly take him in pretty amazing holidays.

It doesn’t have to be concurrent for it to still be totally reasonable.

Very different situation though @SudocremOnEverything when your eldest DC understands his holidays with his dad are better. The SDC here haven’t been taken abroad by there father and they’re not getting a holiday at a similar time with their mother.

Cue the OP telling us that actually, the DSC’s mother will be taking them to DisneyWorld for 3 weeks shortly before the OP’s trip to her gran…

Just go by yourselves, you and your toddler. I doubt your grandmother is that bothered about seeing your DH if they have only met a couple of times before. This is about her, not your DH, and she will want to see you and your DC.

The claim was that no mother ever takes their younger children abroad, leaving the older child with their dad. But it does happen.

my older son was with his dad and not going abroad when I took my younger son. Overall he got much better holidays with his dad. But the thought process wasn’t ‘well he’s in Disney so we’ll go to Estonia’. It just that overall his dad has more money than me for holidays.

If DS were due to be with his dad, I’d not think twice about doing whatever I wanted in that time. It my partner wanted to visit his elderly grandmother and take his child (and me), I don’t even think it’s controversial.

But I don’t view my children as victims who must be compensated for their parents not being together.

Especially given it’s the grandmother who is paying here.

The SC are not in any way losing out. Their father is just being a martyr by refusing to go while they’d be with their mum anyway.

I bet he wouldn’t refuse to go on a stag do abroad because of the poor SC.

It's not a family holiday!

The claim was that no mother ever takes their younger children abroad, leaving the older child with their dad. But it does happen.

No, the claim by @Midlifemusings was that she rarely sees that situation on here, not that no mother ever does it.

It’s not about the SDC being victims, it’s about a father of 3 feeling it wouldn’t be fair of him.

I doubt the father would be taking any of his children on a stag do…

It’s not a holiday, being blunt its gran wanting to see her family together before she dies (I’m not saying she’s actually dying but this may be her only opportunity). It’s not a bloody jolly. Your husband is being ridiculous and selfish. This may be very difficult for you too OP, he should be there to support you, elderly people can decline quite rapidly and it can be heartbreaking to witness.

I think he's being pathetic and making an excuse because he doesn't want to go. If I'm honest, while I think he should, I would feel the same. It's very difficult to be around frail and elderly relatives who you think aren't long for this world, it's worse when you have literally no connection or relationship with them (IMO).

However, I would still go. Because it's important to my husband.

As long as your dc can go and see your dsc’s maternal gran near the end of her life, then it’s fine!!
If it’s going to cause this much drama, then I would just go with your dc on your own. It’s totally inappropriate to take dsc and it will probably make your gran and the rest of your family uncomfortable.

Would he need time off work?
I can understand a parent wanting to save limited leave time for all their children

Sometimes you do things for your wife though.

That’s if you want your marriage to last…

This. Very good point. Makes sense.

I, personally, don’t see the problem.

I understand you want him there. I also understand him feeling bad for the kids he only lives with half the time.

Blending families is so incredibly difficult because things are rarely equal or fair and there’s a lot of guilt.

I also have seen on MN in recent years, the attitude of ‘your dh is your family, but his kids are not’ becoming more popular, which isn’t how I see things. When mum was married to my step dad, all the kids went on all the holidays. But then, my step brother would get an extra holiday with his mum and it never bothered me. Mum treated my step brother the same, included him in trips out etc.

So I suppose it how you see your set up and perspectives on wether step kids are part of their step parents extended family.

Personally, I would just tell Dp I wasn’t comfortable with leaving my kids behind and he would be fine with going with the joint child.

Why should all his annual leave be spent on children who are hardly there at the expense of the one who is?

No they haven't or aren't going to Disney at the same time.

But yes they have been on holiday with their mum abroad this year.

Funny because when she married him she also became a step mum but I guess that doesn't matter?

It's also not some fun jolly they are being excluded from. It's meeting up as a family for potentially the last time for my gran.

Surely very different than us just booking an AI for two weeks in a child friendly resort.

Of course it matters. But again, this trip isn't about me or him. It's about my grandmother. And she hasn't invited them understandably because she doesn't know them and there isn't the space either.

I hope when the time comes he doesn't expect to benefit from any of her inheritance. He is callous and cruel to play petty games with your gran's last big get together.

Could it be that DH doesn't fancy going and is using SC as an excuse?

My DH isn't a fan of extended gatherings with my family (don't blame him tbh).

You're either all a family - you, your DH, your step DC.

Or you're not family and there's blood family - you, your children, your extended family.

If you think he needs to go as a family member I don't really see how you can justify not feeling that his DC are equally a part of this family?

If you don't consider your step DC family then he should also be allowed to not go.

Yes this isn't the sacred Disneyland scenario here.