AIBU expecting my husband to come?

[Flyawayy]

My gran lives in another country. She is getting quite frail and elderly.

Myself and DH have been out to see her a couple of times over the years before we had our now two year old and she's been here to see us too. I've also been out on my own plenty of times as well.

She has asked if all the family will come out to see her and have a little family get together as in her words she doesn't think she'll get to do it for much longer.

She's invited me, DH, our child, my parents, my auntie, uncle and my cousin's to stay with her for 5 days.

This falls on a time as aren't due to have DSC so I assumed no problem.

Except DH is saying he thinks it's unreasonable they haven't been invited firstly and secondly he feels he can't go as it looks like we're taking our child on holiday when we haven't taken DSC this year (couldn't afford abroad in the summer holidays but did have a long weekend in the UK).

AIBU in thinking he should come? It's possibly the last time we'll get to be there with my gran. It's not necessarily a holiday but just a family spending time with each other.

DSC don't really know my gran so I'm not surprised they haven't been asked. There's also not unlimited space either (there's two of them). They don't know my auntie and uncle or my cousin's either.

I think he's being a dick refusing to go because his children haven't been invited when they don't know my gran. He wouldn't care if it were a family meal over here they weren't invited to, but because it's something which could be seen as a bit fun then it's unfair?

There will be loads of reminisceing.

But they don’t need to do EVERYTHING as a couple.

No of course not but they don't have to do EVERYTHING not as a couple unless all the kids are there.

@CateringForThree it could be said that expecting to move through life as a one brained entity who always want the same thing in the same place isn't massively healthy relationship either.

Chucking a wobbler over this as some people are suggesting, isn't necessarily going to work here. Far better to go alone and have a good time, than drag a reluctant partner along with you against their wishes.

If the boot were on the other foot and he'd been asked to travel overseas to see his family, and she really would rather stay home with her DC as they weren't invited, would he be reasonable to force her to go? I don't think so.

This is situation isn’t ‘not everything’ though.

It’s one situation.

Well doing absolutely everything together might not be good either, I agree.

But the OP isn’t asking for that is she? She is expecting her DH to support her during ONE TIME LIMITED occasion. And the support could easily be looking after the dcs whilst she spends time with her gran for example.

MN has this weird idea that everyone should be always self sufficient and never expect support ever. That’s not what makes a good relationship. And that’s not reflective of reality either. In a partnership or not, we all need support from others at some point.

It's an important one though. They should be priortised

If the boot were on the other foot and he'd been asked to travel overseas to see his family, and she really would rather stay home with her DC as they weren't invited, would he be reasonable to force her to go? I don't think so.

Her children are his children. There’s no other parent to leave them with.

And that’s why I am asking what support, she needs.

Or it may not be and there may be several visits after.

Ffs MN is insane sometimes. I don’t quite understand the ops point of view of why she ‘needs support’ rather than just wants him there.

So you ask a question to try and understand more and other MNers jump in and start explaining what a relationship should be (but forget that’s only in their opinion) and tell you why you are wrong for asking.

Weird place sometimes

I really believe that a grown woman, and mother of one child could be expected to be able to spend a few days overseas without her husband in the company of her extended family, without her husband there as her support crew.

I think that is fully reasonable.

Agreed.

I also think OP would feel different if her husband and her split, and he went on to have a new family, and their joint DC would be the one who's always on the outside.

She would know that was the deal when they split though. You can't just expect your children to be instantly seen as part of the family by everyone else. If they are only there every other week then on the weeks they aren't there they will miss out.

Why on earth would I give a shit if he went to see his new wife's family on a time when my child wasn't even meant to be there?

He isn't leaving them behind, they aren't even supposed to be with him during this time. Even if he did stay behind, he'd be staying behind at home by himself because DSC would be with their mother.

And in terms of support, not just emotional I agree I have other family there for that but supporting me with our child whilst there, whilst travelling etc..

And because of the fact my gran has specifically asked him to be there. I don't particularly rave about going and spending time with his parents but if I'm invited to something I go because I know my husband would like me to be there with his family. It's called putting other people first occasionally surely? I'm not asking him to do it monthly.

I don't really get this thing on MN that you must never do anything you aren't over the moon about for your spouse, just because they'd like you to and appreciate it. Doesn't everyone do this from time to time?

How disrespectful is he it’s not a bloody holiday is it, can’t he see that

I think you're both wrong.

He is wrong to expect your DSC to be invited or to come.

You are wrong to insist he comes. Your gran lives abroad so it seems he doesn't have a close relationship, you say you've been out there a couple of times with hime and plenty of times without him. Annual leave is precious, especially when you have 2 sets of kids and it never stretches to cover all you want it for so I wouldn't be willing to spend it on an in-laws get together. There will probably be lots of reminiscing and talking about years ago and he will feel like a spare part and I wouldn't be willing to lose a chunk of annual leave for that. The rest of your family are there, you can all provide each other with emotional support.

Whether it is gran's last big do - well, we lived with my gran growing up and I loved her dearly, I was closer to her than to my mum, but my earliest memories of Christmas and birthdays include her giving a huge sigh and declaring that this would be her last Christmas/birthday/trip to seaside etc. Every time. She died when I was 27 but she'd been declaring she wouldn't be here next Christmas for my entire life.

That's the part that would especially annoy me. It's not even like the DSC are meant to be with him. So he'd rather just stay on his own than spend time with you and DC.

This isn't just a thing on MN. This is how easy life can be!

If I ask DP if he wants to do XXX with me and he says, not really my thing love, but you go, would you like picking up from the airport on the way back? I don't take offence. I don't try and change his mind. I decide if I want to go without him, or not. And I do that.

DP asked me to go to a party recently with some of his old friends, it's quite a long drive and with people that I can't really get excited about spending time with. I said I wasn't too bothered, there's something else I quite fancy doing locally on that evening which he's welcome to join me doing if he doesn't go. He didn't take offense, we didn't have a row, nobody got upset. He may go, he may not, but he doesn't need my support to go, and I don't need to feel responsible if he doesn't.

Easy!

The SC here are really a smoke screen and not massively relevent.

@SudocremOnEverything and @loudlylikealion you both conveniently missed that they’re not non-resident children as the OP’s DH has them 50:50. So no, he’s not “spending all his annual leave on children who are hardly there at the expense of the one who is”.

But hey, don’t let the facts get in the way of you frothing.

50/50 isn't loads of time is it.

Eg. 1 SDC 50% of the time only needs quarter of the annual leave spend on them, half for the DC who is there all the time and then that leave sa quarter of it for emergencies. Obviously if he spends that time with both of them at the same time that's good but there is zero need for him to spend ALL his annual leave on the SDC.

Wtf?! It’s definitely not “hardly there” though is it.