Page 2 | AIBU expecting my husband to come?

Flyawayy · 2022-09-07T06:31:21+00:00

My gran lives in another country. She is getting quite frail and elderly. Myself and DH have been out to see her a couple of times over the years before we had our now two year old and she's been here to see us too. I've also been out on my own plenty of times as well. She has asked if all the family will come out to see her and have a little family get together as in her words she doesn't think she'll get to do it for much longer. She's invited me, DH, our child, my parents, my auntie, uncle and my cousin's to stay with her for 5 days. This falls on a time as aren't due to have DSC so I assumed no problem. Except DH is saying he thinks it's unreasonable they haven't been invited firstly and secondly he feels he can't go as it looks like we're taking our child on holiday when we haven't taken DSC this year (couldn't afford abroad in the summer holidays but did have a long weekend in the UK). AIBU in thinking he should come? It's possibly the last time we'll get to be there with my gran. It's not necessarily a holiday but just a family spending time with each other. DSC don't really know my gran so I'm not surprised they haven't been asked. There's also not unlimited space either (there's two of them). They don't know my auntie and uncle or my cousin's either. I think he's being a dick refusing to go because his children haven't been invited when they don't know my gran. He wouldn't care if it were a family meal over here they weren't invited to, but because it's something which could be seen as a bit fun then it's unfair?

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Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 08:52

I am curious as to how often the women on here travel abroad, vacation, leave the country etc with their husband and their shared children and not their other kids. I rarely read or hear of moms leaving their kids with their dads to travel abroad only with their new partner and shared kids on here.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 07/09/2022 08:53

Well there not really anything to do with your gran, they would have their own grans.

He's being a disrespectful dick, leave him at home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2022 08:54

I’d be really hurt. Tell him he’s no longer invited or welcome. He’s been clear what he thinks about having a chance to spend time with your gran so even if he changed his mind you both know what he really thinks.

I hope it’s a lovely trip.

BruceAndNosh · 07/09/2022 08:57

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 08:40

Just go with your child. I would feel similar if DH's family invited us to visit but said to leave my kids at home, that they only want his bio kid. I probably wouldn't go either.

But your children aren't his grandparents family.
The OP'S stepchildren aren't her grant's family

loudlylikealion · 07/09/2022 08:57

Runwalkskijump · 07/09/2022 08:51

If you are saying that, sodid the DSC.

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Fair enough. In that case DH is right and he isn't family so OP should tell gran he doesn't see himself as family and decline the nice offer. They'll think he's bonkers. It's perfectly normal for the DSC who aren't around all the time to not be included in things that happen when they aren't there. The world doesn't stop for them.

JubileeTissues · 07/09/2022 08:59

He doesn't see them for 5 days at a time anyway, he's not arsed about the kids, just doesn't want to go. Go without him

Original poster

Flyawayy · 07/09/2022 09:00

JubileeTissues · 07/09/2022 08:59

He doesn't see them for 5 days at a time anyway, he's not arsed about the kids, just doesn't want to go. Go without him

Tbf we have week on week off 50:50.

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 09:12

BruceAndNosh · 07/09/2022 08:57

But your children aren't his grandparents family.
The OP'S stepchildren aren't her grant's family

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Nor is her DH part of her gran's family. He and the step kids are only connected by marriage

But her husband and his kids are part of her family.

HeddaGarbler · 07/09/2022 09:16

I can see his point. Not so much about how they should have been invited, but about how he wasn’t able to take his eldest kids abroad.

I’m constantly surprised on MN esp in this section at how many women have relatives who will pay for them and their DH and DC to go away. I don’t know anyone IRL who this happens to!

I’d go on your own with your DC, OP.

CloudPop · 07/09/2022 09:18

Agreed with others - go without him. Seeing your gran is the priority here.

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:24

dh, she’s not their great grandma. But you are my husband, and you will not get a second chance to support me as your wife in seeing my nan for the last time. Please don’t establish this as how our relationship works, I will not forget it, and you will not be able to expect my support for family bereavements if you can’t give me yours. In whcih case I have to wonder how this relationship really works. It certainly isn’t giving me what I need right now.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 09:27

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:24

dh, she’s not their great grandma. But you are my husband, and you will not get a second chance to support me as your wife in seeing my nan for the last time. Please don’t establish this as how our relationship works, I will not forget it, and you will not be able to expect my support for family bereavements if you can’t give me yours. In whcih case I have to wonder how this relationship really works. It certainly isn’t giving me what I need right now.

What bereavement is he supporting?

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:28

@Midlifemusings fine, use another word. It is the ops last chance to see her nan.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 09:29

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 08:52

I am curious as to how often the women on here travel abroad, vacation, leave the country etc with their husband and their shared children and not their other kids. I rarely read or hear of moms leaving their kids with their dads to travel abroad only with their new partner and shared kids on here.

Women tend to be resident parents, and all of their children have similar relationships with the people in their lives as they are almost always around.

It's very different when the SC are not around as much and the two sets of children have family relationships on the maternal side that their half siblings don't really know. It's a very different family dynamic.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 09:32

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 09:29

Women tend to be resident parents, and all of their children have similar relationships with the people in their lives as they are almost always around.

It's very different when the SC are not around as much and the two sets of children have family relationships on the maternal side that their half siblings don't really know. It's a very different family dynamic.

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This extended family doesn't live locally and it doesn't sound like their shared child knows them either.

Many kids don't know moms new partner's extended family all that well.

And many women share custody. It isn't that different yet people would not be so supportive of a DH saying he needs his wife to come but doesn't want her kids there as they aren't part of the family. Would people say he should leave her because she clearly isn't a supportive or caring person if she doesn't want to leave her kids at home with their dad while they travel?

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2022 09:37

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:24

dh, she’s not their great grandma. But you are my husband, and you will not get a second chance to support me as your wife in seeing my nan for the last time. Please don’t establish this as how our relationship works, I will not forget it, and you will not be able to expect my support for family bereavements if you can’t give me yours. In whcih case I have to wonder how this relationship really works. It certainly isn’t giving me what I need right now.

My thoughts exactly. If he wants to establish “fair” in that way, he might not like it so much when it’s applied to him and his family. He wants you to go to his gran’s birthday? Not fair as he didn’t come with you to see yours etc etc.

The DSC come to spend time with him. Their father. Not to go and visit their father’s wife’s grandmother and spend time with her extended family.

HeddaGarbler · 07/09/2022 09:41

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:28

@Midlifemusings fine, use another word. It is the ops last chance to see her nan.

Another word should deffo be used since there’s no actual bereavement…

No one knows if it’s the OP’s last chance to see her gran. Her gran said she may not be able to have them to stay for much longer. That doesn’t mean she’s about to pop her clogs or the OP can’t see her again.

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 09:45

@Midlifemusings I don't think this really accounts for the reality of what it's like being a step parent, or a step parents extended family. Often family members will feel naturally compelled to include the step parents own children - this is standard social convention and as children of the family they may be talked about by grandparents etc, fixing them in the minds of extended family members. They may not really hear much about the SC or know much about their involvement in the SPs life - my SC would not occur to most of my relatives, really, whereas they'd all naturally ask about and think of my DD when they talk to/think of.

And as for your example - if the mother's older children were at their father's half or more of the time including the time of the proposed visit with step dad's family, then no I wouldn't be outraged at the suggestion she leave them behind.

Wnikat · 07/09/2022 09:49

If you reversed the genders and it was "my husband wants us to go on a family holiday without my kids" you'd get a totally different response.

It's fine for him not to go. Have a good time just you and your toddler.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 09:49

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2022 09:45

@Midlifemusings I don't think this really accounts for the reality of what it's like being a step parent, or a step parents extended family. Often family members will feel naturally compelled to include the step parents own children - this is standard social convention and as children of the family they may be talked about by grandparents etc, fixing them in the minds of extended family members. They may not really hear much about the SC or know much about their involvement in the SPs life - my SC would not occur to most of my relatives, really, whereas they'd all naturally ask about and think of my DD when they talk to/think of.

And as for your example - if the mother's older children were at their father's half or more of the time including the time of the proposed visit with step dad's family, then no I wouldn't be outraged at the suggestion she leave them behind.

I just don't really recall in all the threads on here women talking about going away with their spouse and shared children and leaving their other children at their dads. You would think if they were caring and supportive wives, they would be prioritizing their husbands needs / wants nd his extended family over their children as posters are saying OP's DH must do if he is a good husband. It is just suprising we don't see more women ready to leave their kids behind to visit their DH's families to show they are a caring spouse and partner.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 07/09/2022 09:50

It’s an excuse. He doesn’t want to go.

HeddaGarbler · 07/09/2022 09:52

I totally agree the response would be different if you reversed the sexes of the parent & step-parent.

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 09:52

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 09:28

@Midlifemusings fine, use another word. It is the ops last chance to see her nan.

Why? She isn't even in ill health based on the post. She is just getting elderly...as humans do and isn't sure if she will host another full family get together.

Not sure how that is bereavement or how that means it is OPs last chance to see her? People live for decades in frail and elderly states.

maddy68 · 07/09/2022 09:53

He can't expect her to put up two extra bodies. Thai isn't a holiday. It's a visit to a relative.

I do understand his point and he wants to be fair to all his children.

If he feels he can't go without them then you go with your children

SudocremOnEverything · 07/09/2022 09:56

Midlifemusings · 07/09/2022 08:52

I am curious as to how often the women on here travel abroad, vacation, leave the country etc with their husband and their shared children and not their other kids. I rarely read or hear of moms leaving their kids with their dads to travel abroad only with their new partner and shared kids on here.

I have been abroad with my youngest child while my older child is with his dad. The older child got far better holidays with his dad than the younger one got with me. My older child was very able to recognise that 10 days in Japan or 14 days at in Florida (including Disney!) with his dad was a very good deal for him. And far better than his little brother ever got (mostly a trip to visit his grandparents in SE England). He wasn’t going to kick up a fuss because he wasn’t invited in a cheap few midweek nights in a European city chosen primarily for the cheap Ryanair flights.

I’ve also taken them both abroad.