Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

You don't know what kind of person OP is and to make up all sorts of strange accusations and scenarios of what OP 'would do' in order to vilify her is just bizarre.

You don't know what will happen in the future so to create your made up scenarios for a family you have never even met with such certainty is manipulative and wrong.
As parents it's our job to not encourage our children to seek validation from others.
To not encourage them to 'other themselves' from their own body.

Validation for themselves must come from within.

Hmm, I wonder what your DSC means by binding? Is this just a sports bra, or is it the heavy duty tape that you wrap tightly around you like a sticky bandage? And is the very devil to remove? I'd find it very hard to stand by and hear the whimpering coming from the bathroom if it's the latter case...

I think you are being ridiculous. It won't hurt anyone to use the pronoun they want. Your DC will make up their own minds regarding pronous when they're older anyway and your opinion won't come into it.

Complete, soaked in trans rights activism here, and honestly posts from this person need to be ignored. We all already know that trans ideology is a cult and dangerous for young people once they've been indoctrinated. Nothing this person says need be taken seriously, they're captured. I'll report that one too, as it's still attacking OP's sensible, cautious parenting.

For many people who have not bought into this ideology, using the wrong sex pronoun isn't easy, and it does "hurt people".

Very true but at least at that time she won't be confusing her children by forcing to lie and pretend about something they know cannot be true.

No it doesn't.

Well, that's your opinion. Others are available.

The children won't be confused or care.

You have no idea what the other children will feel.

The children won't be confused or care.

Ridiculous

At the moment it’s fashionable for mixed up kids to come out as trans. Of course it is impossible for someone to change sex no matter what anybody else says. Unfortunately we now have a society which wants to push this cause rather than support the kids who are having problems. I know someone who really wanted to be a boy when they were young but it turns out it wasn’t a matter of sexuality it was a matter of personality and they are a very successful woman now. No doubt if she had been around now someone would’ve tried to have transitioned her. As a teenager all your hormones are going all over the place anyway so a kid has to go through teens to be able to make their mind up anyway. To me all this trans stuff is adding an extra burden for kids like this to work through.

The children won't be confused or care.

In that case it is because they have, like they do with many things at that age, happily accepted what is being presented to them as fact. This is an even worse outcome for parents than them being upset by it.

Why?

Because it's untrue, and it's not good to lie to children that you can change sex.

Here are some links about research relating to social transition:

www.statsforgender.org/social-transition/

First reply. Bravo.

Why?

Because there are obvious, severe consequences to our children growing up believing that if they don't feel they conform to strict gender roles - which many young children don't - then they must be in the wrong body, rather than those gender roles simply being bullshit.

Parents tell children a lot of things they don't believe to be true. I never see so much angst about father christmas, fairies. Anyway, she wouldn't be lying if she said that to the DC wanted to be referred to as “he”. That is the truth.

It's not reasonable to expect other children to go along with it when they know it's a lie. You seem to have a limited understanding of what this is about.

You are wrong and her mum is right ! You should respect that’s what your stepdaughter ( stepson really ) wants to do . It’s not up to you to make that decision . You either accept things as they are or you have no part in her life . I applaud the mum

And Father Christmas and fairies are something that you tell very young children, to keep it fun for them. It's not in any way comparable to gaslighting them about a person's sex.

It's not a lie that they wish to be referred to as he.

And we're back to gender identity ideology supporters thinking pronouns are meaningless to everyone else, and you can just pick the words other people use about you, and other people not.

I think that some of the comments here are being really unkind. The one suggesting OPs DSC will go no contact with her isn't ok on any level.

I certainly do t know enough about this stuff at all. But she's come on here asking for advice and is clearly trying to do what's right for all the children.

I personally don't believe you can change your sex, however I wouldn't care if Dc or DSC wanted to have a different pronoun (just what would work in my family) but I wouldn't change my beliefs and with other children in the house it's hard. Shutting down discussion and emotional blackmail isn't fair and it won't help anyone iMO.