Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

Is she fairly bright / sensitive? Is it worth having a conversation where you say that you want to respect her feelings but have other children to consider. That you will try, but don't want them to see or know anything about the binder, and that they need to be able to name sex accurately as young children for safeguarding reasons? That you will respect her gender but not undermine the importance of sex to the little ones?

Oh shit. This plays right into the 'they must have a room to themselves even if they only visit one weekend a year' thing, doesn't it?

Just use he now and again when you remember. You don't need to sit down and have a big discussion about it.

Just tell your younger kids that their sibling wants to live like a man for now, they've already heard about the new name, I don't see why using he instead of she is going to upset them any more.

Fwiw I don't think people can change their sex. She will always be female no matter what parts of her body she adds on or chops off, no matter what artificial hormones she takes. But using male pronouns is not a hill I would choose to die on at this point. Your determination not to do what she wants is only going to make her more determined. It won't change her mind.

The compromise in your head is simple: male pronouns don’t make someone male. This can easily be explained to younger kids. DSC wants to live like a boy, they haven’t changed anything on their body and they’ll always be DSC inside but they prefer to look like a boy can call themselves X

Have a word with yourself! Live like a boy??? Wtf does that mean?? I've worked so bloody hard with my kids to tell them they girls and boys can wear, be, do what they want. These regressive, sexist stereotypes in 2022 are actually unbelievable. My kids could call out sexism at 5.

On one hand I feel gaslighted You are being gaslit, by a 14 year old child.

The late great Magdalen Berns said "I'd rather be rude than a fucking liar" and that holds today. It's heartbreaking that your DSD is so distraught at the idea of becoming a woman that she's willing to deny reality and at the same time acquiesce to misogyny-soaked gender identity ideology, but agreeing with untruths will ultimately do more harm to this young woman.

It's disappointing that so many belong to the "I don't see a problem with this" camp, but for your DSD's benefit you'll need to find a way to be firm but honest rather than reinforce obvious falsehoods. to you both.

You are being gaslit, by a 14 year old child.

it's the child who has been gaslit. They are being sold a lie.

I would be age appropriate honest with your younger DC. ‘x feels that they are now a boy and would like us to call them y, and if we talk about them use ‘he’ ‘him’ words. I’m not really sure why, but it’s nothing for you to worry about, he will still want to play with you etc..’

Then to DSD, I would say. ‘A couple of things are all true here, I love you but I don’t really believe it is possible to change sex. I will do my best to call you whatever you want to be called, but please be kind to me when I get it wrong because it is hard for me to remember. I’m happy to discuss the things I believe with you whenever you like, but in the meantime please remember you are always welcome here and I and your Dad love you very much’.

You have two choices really accept ‘him’ or lose ‘her’.

Agree or disagree with the use of pronouns this is the path your step-daughter is now taking and you can be involved or don’t be. This may be temporary it may not be, you have to decide what is your relationship worth to you and act accordingly.

i think this is the best approach.

"Dsd I am non binary. Your dad is non binary. I don't believe in binary gender. When I use your pronouns i am literally basing them on your sex. I would never assume your gender. It is not for you to dictate how I, or your brother speak though. I am his mother and I choose to teach him that sex is real. If you want to see him you will have to accept that. Alternatively you, your brother and your father can go out together and avoid coming here. But if you choose never to see your brother again, you've made that decision yourself."

I wouldn't risk my youngest child in this situation.

As the parent of a trans child, I have negotiated something similar. I can imagine it's even more complicated with a blended family, and I feel for you! I think you have a choice here between:

• your beliefs about gender
• your relationship and your DH's relationship with DSD/S.

The conclusion I came to was that if a person asks you to call them a certain name, and use certain pronouns, it would be hostile and rejecting to refuse to do this. Ultimately I prioritise my relationship with my child over abstract beliefs about gender. The most important thing to me is that my child feels loved and accepted.

Re your younger children, I would see it this way. By using he/him, you are demonstrating unconditional love and acceptance. That will be a hugely powerful memory to them when something comes up in their lives that they might fear you disapprove of.

Good luck xx

This is such a bad approach, saying just do what a child wants.

Adults are there to set limits, to guide children, to explain the world to them, not to pander to their every idiotic whim.

Ick hard super hard tbh

I suppose in my head it would be like Dd saying she wants to be a elephant (perfectly within her rights to do so) and just use his preferred pronouns and name until he told me otherwise.

I'm really not sure where I would sit with anything permanent like - hormones to stop xyz. I don't think I would be happy with a child of that age doing that. However if in early 20s I would be more comfortable with them choosing this in a more permanent way.

It doesn't cost anything to call DsS by his preferred pronoun and if I'm honest teens are meant to rebel. If I came down on this as a hard line I imagine most teenagers would use this as a way to rebel.

Making no fuss about it might mean that they may make different choice later down the line when they are out of the rebelling stage. Or maybe they won't. But realistically their life and how they want to live it is up to Dc or DSC.

The thing that makes me most queasy about it all is the inherent blackmail. At 14. Which would make me look at finding a 3rd way - via the needs and feelings of all parties involved.

I would call out the blackmail for what it is, and ask DSC if they really want to be the type of person that blackmails others for what they want.

I'd do it out of love. Being prepared to compromise your views and beliefs for love is a good thing in my opinion.

Regards trans - it's something a lot of the older generations find it hard to get their head round. But we're not growing up in their world.

I would do it.

Tricky.

I don’t have direct experience, but had an insight when DD went to the GP with tummy problems. To our surprise, the GP did initial tests and said he thought there was a high risk of a life-threatening illness.

We we’re terrified and paid for urgent tests. They can back negative. We were so relieved.

DD’s reaction shocked us. She was very upset to get the all-clear. With the GP, she felt that at last someone was listening to her and taking her seriously and not just saying that it’s something everyone goes through. The fact that it was potentially a life-threatening illness requiring surgery was a side issue.

She soon got over it and stopped being ridiculous but it gave a huge insight into what ‘affirmation’ and being taken seriously - however ridiculous they are being - means to a teen.

In your circumstance, I would go along with the pronouns to show that you are taking her seriously (see what I did there) and roll your eyes when they are out of sight.

But her younger kids are, and it's easy to see from the outside how indoctrinating it is. She has to consider the need to protect them from that rather than feed into it.

@Ceceliaa We know that there has been a huge rise of adolescent girls being referred to the Tavistock Gender identity clinic.
76% of referees were adolescent girls, 48% of those girls either had a diagnosis of autism or autistic traits, this is obviously a huge number sharing the same characteristics usually only present in 1% of the population.

But this isn’t an idiotic whim to the step daughter and regarding it as such will just destroy the relationship.

It’s not a black and white situation.

She's 14, she's so young still and this can be an intense age where things can appear all-or-nothing - i.e. in her mind, if you don't use her pronouns do you even love her?

Give it some time, let her know you love her and are always there for her but stick to what you have decided.

As others have said, social transition is not a neutral act. Chances are she will desist at some point and if every adult around her has affirmed her trans identity it will be much harder for her to row back.

The most alarming thing here is the binder. What does your DH say about that?

If it were just you then I might use the male pronouns but with younger children? No way. She has no right to ask for that.

Every sympathy OP. She has got you over a barrel, and she knows it, and it's the coercive aspects of this I find really difficult. You have avoided using the pronouns she does not want, but that's not enough, you must show compliance or she'll punish her dad. I'd wonder what's next on the 'now do this or else' list.

I would also be very, very uncomfortable with using words I perceive as a lie, and which I have serious safeguarding concerns in enabling for a child. And yes, the issues for the younger children. However the alternative is that she will cause a lot of damage to your family in punishment, and it's hard to destabilise everything and have your dp blame you for losing his relationship with her.

Having a family member with MH problems that means eggshells and constantly enabling because the fall out is even worse than what happens if you do comply, and having to pretend all the time around them, I do understand some of what this might feel like to you. The sad thing is that you cannot really have a relationship with someone who is controlling you like this, you are always acting in front of them, you're always aware of how you feel about them controlling you and everyone else and that you're playing along because you know if you don't they'll make everyone else's life hell - the person doing it is often unaware of the real damage they are doing to their relationships until later on. Personally I feel that a kid should be protected from doing this as they should be protected from any other self injurious behaviour, but when they have found the buttons to push that really do damage a family? It's very hard to know what to do.

I am not in your situation and certainly wouldn't inflict this nonsense on my own children but if you do, what happens when she changes her mind and goes back to being 'her'? If on the other hand, I was the mother I would go along with this, the same as I went along with Santa Claus but would not allow my child to dictate how other people speak.

What does DH want you to do.

Every sympathy OP. She has got you over a barrel, and she knows it, and it's the coercive aspects of this I find really difficult. You have avoided using the pronouns she does not want, but that's not enough, you must show compliance or she'll punish her dad. I'd wonder what's next on the 'now do this or else' list.

This. It's really hard and I feel for you OP. if she's on a teenage power trip with the ability to control adults she quite possibly isn't going to be satisfied with anything less than total capitulation by you, her dad and your other children. It's a feature of the whole trans activist movement.