Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

I have very gender critical views, and concerns regarding female only spaces but will use terms requested- I don't see the two being a problem- I want to protect women only spaces, but I also don't need to be a dick about your preferred name and pronouns- mainly because I never use pronouns for anyone! Give them the attention they want as a 14 yr old who has no real fecking idea and has fallen into a gender ideology that most of them will regret later on. I don't believe that ROGD is a thing, it's a way of expressing yourself just like punk was, goth was, etc. smile, nod and play along for now.

I'm Interested in the compelled speech argument. I'd never thought of that before!

People can view themselves however they want.

They cannot force others to share their views.

This is something that they will have to learn as they go through life. If all they ever hear is affirmation, they are going to get a big shock when they go out into the real world.

Also, people who say they never use pronouns, have you have been in a house with more two people? It's impossible to not use pronouns. You just probably haven't been aware of it.

This. It's not about you, OP. We respect other people's beliefs in other situations (I how my head when one of my in-law relatives says grace before a meal, even though I have no religious belief for instance).

A step daughter is far more important than an in law uncle, and it's vital that a blended family relationship jogs along without needless conflict.

I'd just use the pronounce she's asked for, even if it doesn't make sense to you. And your other kids aren't going to be damaged by it. They're going to come across trans and non binary people in life and they can make their own decisions then.

I don't regard using someone's pronouns as lying, any more than me bowing my head is lying to my DH's uncle when he says grace. He knows I'm not religious, but he and others round the table are, and I lower my head in respect to them, not their religion.

For all the commenters who object on the basis of never lying to young children - do you practice this consistently with the same rigour? When they discuss Father Christmas do you immediately clarify the fallacy? What about the idea that you can grow up and be anything you want?

most of us lie to our children all the time, we also find ways to discuss reality while also preserving children’s belief in potential. I have on several occasions explained to my children that mommy brings the presents, not Santa, but still engage in conversations about where santa might live, etc. they also come home from their CofE school discussing the existence of god and as an atheist I find a way of discussing without confirming or denying their statements. My thinking is they will figure it out in time.

you and your SD have a different understanding of gender. Treat it like religion. You can be respectful of her perspective without changing your own personal perspective.

Believing in Father Christmas or a religion doesn't lead them on a pathway to taking puberty blockers, cross sex hormones and having parts of their body cut off.

I wouldn't want my kids to relie on others for affirmation about who they are, I think that's always harmful.
I want them to learn self assurance and reselience.

In regards to telling kids 'they can be whatever they want to be,' I teach my children to dream but to also have a back up and explore as many options as possible and that often what they think at a young age that they might want to do career wise they might change their minds later on.
Because our brains change and our minds change as we get older.

Believing in Father Christmas or a religion doesn't lead them on a pathway to taking puberty blockers, cross sex hormones and having parts of their body cut off.

OP's children are not on that pathway, nor are they being led to it.

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What part would autism play in this please? I am in a similar position

@Ceceliaa there is a recognised correlation between children (as I understand it particularly girls) with a diagnosis of ASD and identifying as trans.

How do you know that?

Just use he/him, it’s really not worth ruining the relationship with your step child/ husbands child over.

Your younger children will be fine.

Father Christmas, the tooth fairy etc do not cause safeguarding concerns.

Telling children a man is now a woman does.

I was speaking from the view of affirmation, if you knew that someone's belief could do them harm you probably wouldn't go along with it, especially in regards to children.
The affirmation only model may increase the chances of being on the pathway to cross sex hormones, puberty blockers and surgery.

The affirmation only model as Hillary Cass stated in her interim report is not a neutral act.
This child is being affirmed and even talks of breast binding.
As a child I would believe anything my parents or teachers said, let alone drs.

It's the fact that childrens minds are so naive and their brains not fully developed as the reason why anyone experiencing this with their children should be very careful as the outcomes from detransitioner stories are beyond awful.
Knowing they did it to themselves and all of the adults affirmed them which furthered their belief that what they were doing was correct.

This is not hard. He wants you to use male pronouns so do it. It makes no difference to you whatsoever but makes a world of difference to him. Sit down and talk to your dc and explain the situation

If course it is hard. "She" wants the OP to use male pronouns.

Have you RTFT?

If not, at least read the posts that mention the dangers of affirmation, the Cass report and detransitioners.

The OP loves her SD and doesn't want to alienate her but neither does she want to lie to her younger children or to socially affirm if this helps to put the SD on a harmful path.

It's a horrible quandary to be in.

I agree with all this.

It's the compelled speech I'm concerned about.

I wouldn’t like that either. Can you just use the name and no pronouns? Yes, it sounds clunky as hell, but it allows you to make the point while ostensibly respecting DSD’s preference. She wants to be called Dave? Fine.

“DS - please could you make a pice of toast for Dave and then give it to Dave.”

”Dave needs to be collected from the door of Dave’s school at 6pm”

”Dave’s mum has asked that we wash Dave’s uniform so that it’s clean for when Dave needs to wear it on Monday.”

Very hard to say you’re not respecting her choice and her preferences that way.

Personally I would go along with it for the sake of keeping the peace, especially as she's DSD and DH is supportive. Otherwise you're giving her someone to kick against and moan about. And you become the evil JKR lover that TRAs bang on about in the stuff she's watching online. Then in her head it affirms her choice even more. She already knows what you think, so keep engagement with her on the subject to a minimum. Tell your younger kids what you believe.

PP said that it's a bit like previous ways kids have rebelled in the past, goths, punk, drugs etc. Think there is truth in this. And if people don't 'get' it then they can feel all moody and teenage about how horrible the world is (this was little goth me btw) 😂

She's 14 and unable to grasp the long term consequences of this decision. But on the plus side, you may find she's thankful of your GC views if she changes her mind in future.

@Fe345fleur has an extremely good point. I probably wouldn't use preferred pronouns but you are in danger of becoming an evil stepmother Terf which might have the unfortunate effect of making her dig her heels in that much further. Such a shame the mum isn't thinking critically.

Is she fairly bright / sensitive? Is it worth having a conversation where you say that you want to respect her feelings but have other children to consider. That you will try, but don't want them to see or know anything about the binder, and that they need to be able to name sex accurately as young children for safeguarding reasons? That you will respect her gender but not undermine the importance of sex to the little ones?

My DD’s best friend sprang that on me one day. I am to address her with him or she’ll never come around again. I watched them both in disbelief.
Sat them down. Made them their favourite dinner. Asked if they know how much I love them both. Asked them when was the last time I tolerated nonsense. Asked them if they love and trust me. Asked them if they remember me promising them both I’ll never ever lie to them. Asked them if they know I’ll always be there for them.
They did. Quite enthusiastically at that.

They concluded themselves that in the grand scheme of things, respect goes both ways and if I accidentally call her ‘her’ that’s all it is. And that my house my rules has always been in place. And I’ve always called them baby goats and they don’t mind if I continue to call them that.

They were 13-14. It was really scary, but I decided to deal with it the same way I’ve always done: food and humour.
HTH.

If it was just me I would probably go along with it for a quiet life but showing that example to my own, young, impressionable children? Not in a million years!

I agree with this. I wouldn't be willing to lie to my kids and risk confusing them about this subject. In the same way I wouldn't whole heartedly agree with somebody's religion just to validate them.

Using the name and "they" should be more than enough.

@Ceceliaa

www.spectrumnews.org/news/largest-study-to-date-confirms-overlap-between-autism-and-gender-diversity/

Not an attempt to invalidate perceptions, but a heads up that the child might have unspoken difficulties they are contending with simultaneously.

However... Personal experience tells me that the compelled speech on pronouns is not the end of the story! It tends to stretch into trying to dictate other areas of family life too. eg Vote/campaign for a certain party because they are the most sympathetic to trans needs or they go NC. etc.