Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

My hat is off OP, that sounds a very thoughtful and well considered way forward and your care for your Dsd shines through it all.

Using 'they' instead of 'he' allows DSC wiggle room for 'it's complicated'. So many are gender fluid at that age that it doesn't seem necessary to be so very definite yet. Presumably DSC has gone through puberty already, so horse, stable, bolted on that one.

Eating a nutritionally excellent but calorie sparse diet would keep the boobs in check, make binding less horrible and reduce bleeding - so maybe a pep talk about how important looking after themselves is, given hormone risks? Self care never goes amiss!

Best of luck, @FabbyO

Cheers for the support for our plan xxx

Hmm I certainly don't want to give DSD the idea of limiting calories in order to keep the boobs at bay as a way of avoiding binding I was very skinny as a teen with big boobs, was/is my natural shape, so that wouldn't have worked for me.
DSD has just turned 14 and is still going through puberty I think.
Great point @SpaceshiptoMars about 'they' being more flexible than 'he' in case of changes in the future, I will make that point to DSD.

@MeridianB DSD's mother has apparently written to the school, or is going to write to the school, about DSD using the teacher or disabled toilet to change in rather than using the male facilities. Apparently that's what the other trans-identifying girls do. Don't get me started on the fairness of using disabled facilities [anger] but that is how the school is apparently handling it for others. DH is really angry with DSD's mother about this, as she didn't discuss it with him, and he is feeling rathe powerless and very down about it. That's a whole other thread's worth, or several.

That was me, @FabbyO. And I was only half joking. There will be a group / social media contact grooming, and it is often so cult like that any dissent will be framed that way. Anyway your plan seems sound. Good luck today.

As an aside, I'm less worried about a separate loo in school and more worried about these girls putting themselves at risk out and about. Another year or two and it's pubs and festivals and whatever. Not the place for vulnerable teen girls to insist on using the gents. Definitely worth a gentle warning.

What about in public places, OP?

This sounds very hard for your DH. Is his ex not prepared to discuss things with him?

I feel for you so much but your DSD is lucky to have you there quietly loving and accepting her as her and able to talk to if and when she starts to question the rhetoric.

I’d also suggest simply pointing out when TV/school/social media is misogynistic. Identifying out of womanhood can seem appealing when young girls see what is in store for women. It can help to a) bring that feeling into the light b) see that she has women (and men) alongside her who oppose misogyny. It doesn’t hurt for raising boys either.

DSD's mother has apparently written to the school, or is going to write to the school, about DSD using the teacher or disabled toilet to change in rather than using the male facilities. Apparently that's what the other trans-identifying girls do. Don't get me started on the fairness of using disabled facilities [anger]

And how unfair on the teachers, to have their loos taken over.

Hope if you have had your talk with her by now it went ok OP.

Don't presume to call OP's mixed up stepchild a "son". She knows her own family much better than you. And don't call women misogynistic slurs.

Indeed. It's one of the things that bothers me most about this ideology - how it's adherents fall over themselves to instruct others on the cultish language/terminology involved. Just who do they think they are to insert themselves and their blind zealotry into other people's family dynamics as if their way is the only way?

I know a social worker - used to be a regular on these boards actually - who does exactly this. It fascinates me that someone with such a responsible and important job could have so easily fallen prey to and become soaked in this damaging nonsense.

It's not good to lie to children. Really it isn't. Not to this teenager, who needs limits and boundaries and not to be able to manipulate and control those around her, not to her siblings, not to her classmates.

It isn't kind because you can't change sex, and social transition isn't neutral, as Dr Hilary Cass has recognised. It's selling a lie to impressionable minds and setting children and adolescents on a pathway it's hard to come back from.

My post quoting the previous one where OP is attacked repeatedly for her parenting and the poster refers to us all as terfs, has been deleted but not the actual post 🤷🏼‍♀️. Just want to be clear in case any one thinks I posted something offensive.

I’m a teacher and I can tell you that there is a tidal wave of this stuff coming at schools at the moment. We are talking about sometimes twenty students per year group and growing.

It is causing havoc with safeguarding- especially regarding students who have CIN plans because of sexual abuse who require single sex changing rooms and toilets.

I wish more parents were pushing back on this. And I don’t mean the hair cuts, trousers, name changes and trendy fads. I mean the binders, pronouns and insulting sexist gender reinforcement.

Just keep repeating that there is no such thing as girls things and boys things OP. She can wear what she wants and say what she pleases- that’s teenagers for you (I was a goth). But keep reminding her that gender is the prison. The aim is to break out of it completely and just be yourself.

♥️

@LondonWolf I saw your post on my phone, all you said was that the post by @Tiredjustsotired was disgusting and you had reported it. I was going to respond properly later. But now I see your post got removed and the post that made lots of offensive comments remains?

Please explain @MNHQ why you think its appropriate to keep up a post that contains a paragraph like this:

You're the kind of person who would feed their Muslim stepkid hidden pork because you don't see anything wrong with it in your faith

For one thing its very presumptions of Tiredjustsotired because they're automatically assuming I'm not Muslim.

Then there's lots of other comments against me personally.

I've got to go but will be back later, and I hope to see an explanation from @MNHQ I haven't reported Tired's post because I want others to see the bile, but since it was reported I want to know why it's seen as acceptable when the one about reporting it was not.

@FabbyO report it, don't @ them, they won't necessarily see it here for a while.

Or email them, I mean.

It must be very hard to know how to handle it and then there's the added layer of being a stepparent.

Cheers for the tip @Ereshkigalangcleg I've just come back on to see the post is removed, without me reporting or emailing MNHQ

I've got a few things to say in reply to you @Tiredjustsotired

My posts were all about me because I wanted to offload about my feelings. This board is for step-mothers to do that.

I didn't expect everyone who responded to have the same views as me on this subject. I posted in this section knowing that it would probably have more of a mix of views than in the Feminism section and I saw that as a plus in a way, to get a range of views.

I did expect responses to at least try and stay on the right side of civil though, and not to so obviously gleefully try and put me and other women down as you did.

OP The post was removed by MNHQ because so many of us complained about it for you. I had an email saying that it was being removed and apologising for the mass email (rather than a personal one).

Whether we happen to be GC or TWAW, most of us could see that you are in a difficult situation and are trying to maintain a good relationship with a SD that you care for and also trying to cause as few difficulties as possible for your DH, while not lying to your own children.

Ooh boy this is a HARD one

I didn't ever assume you weren't Muslim. I said you were the kind of person who puts their own beliefs and needs above others to such an extent that you would feed a Muslim child pork.

She wouldn't, though, would she, if she were Muslim, don't be silly. So you made an offensive comment based on knowing absolutely nothing about her.

You're letting your own personal biases cloud your judgement. Giving children everything they want all the time" doesn't actually equate to good parenting, and sometimes people need to be brave and tell teenagers that they can't always get what they want and it's not just about them. Every one in the world is "non binary" because we aren't all a walking stereotype of our sex. I think what the OP has proposed sounds very reasonable, and the girl's dad agrees that they shouldn't send the wrong message to the younger children.