Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

This. Totally. Otherwise you're saying that she/he/they/it can use this threat against you for anything at all in future even something as ridiculous as being served ice cream for breakfast or having rainbow coloured toilet paper delivered by baby unicorns named Chloe and Felicity.

It’s a psychological condition and / or fashion thing. People are not born in the wrong body, people are not the wrong sex. If a child has body / gender dysphoria then they need to be counselled through it, not told that their psychological issues are a real representation of the material world.

It costs plenty, otherwise the OP wouldn't have bothered writing the post in the first place. 🙄

She'd just go along with the bollocks, wouldn't she?

Only a female could say she felt like she's the opposite sex.

Males are just, well, male and don't 'feel' like anything.

My niece is going through the same nonsense and I simply won't play along. I use the gender neutral name she picked, but the pronouns are too far for me.
My niece is right in that Venn diagram sweet spot, she has a diagnosis of ASD, she's gender non-conforming, she's been on the receiving end of lots of bullying and she's bi-sexual.

She's a lovely kid, bless her, but this isn't what she needs. How did therapists categorise these sorts of issues before ✨trans✨??

This is not hard. He wants you to use male pronouns so do it. It makes no difference to you whatsoever

That's not true. The whole ideology is massively damaging to women and children. Going along with it is normalising the harm.

This!

“Regards trans - it's something a lot of the older generations find it hard to get their head round. But we're not growing up in their world.”

What absolute horse shit. It’s not that older generations can’t get their ‘head around it’ - it’s actually quite the opposite. They’re wise enough to see it for exactly the misogynist lie it actually is. Interesting you use the present tense when you say you’re growing up. You’re clearly not there yet.

This. Totally. Otherwise you're saying that she/he/they/it can use this threat against you for anything at all in future even something as ridiculous as being served ice cream for breakfast or having rainbow coloured toilet paper delivered by baby unicorns named Chloe and Felicity.

😂

I found out someone coined a word for the very online young Twitter bullies - the Twitler Youth.

Feel s a bit like that, doesn't it?

Misogynist and deeply homophobic. Many people live in a really twisted world where boys who like pink or dresses are actually girls rather than boys who like pink and dresses. It’s grim. Dangerous and horrifically backwards looking.

Thank you all. I really appreciate the sympathy and thoughtfulness.

This is the only comment I find inflammatory and idiotic:

It doesn't cost anything to call DsS by his preferred pronoun and if I'm honest teens are meant to rebel. If I came down on this as a hard line I imagine most teenagers would use this as a way to rebel.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers nice of you to refer to my "DsS"

Do you know how upsetting it is for my DH to be told by his daughter and ex-partner that he now has "three sons?"

Or how confusing and infuriating it is that DSD wants our sons to refer to her as their brother?

It certainly does cost something and it's offensive to say otherwise. I've focused on the pronouns in this thread but anyone who has thought about it properly can surely see it goes beyond that. It's what the pronouns represent and the knock on effect of language. A 'he' is a son, a brother, a boy.

@LangClegsInSpace yes the binder is a huge worry. DH is absolutely against the idea. But he's in a very difficult position. His ex is endorsing the binder. Because he's the male parent DH has never been involved in bra shopping or female puberty stuff like that, that's been done by DSD's mother and to a lesser extent me. He has no problem talking to DSD about the risks of binding and has tried but DSD said something like DH has no idea what he's talking about as the binder is basically like a sports bra.

The blackmail thing: this is a tricky one because of DSD having two homes. It's always been a fairly flexible arrangement, more or less 50% when younger but since secondary school she's tended to not come to us so much during the school week because of practical reasons, longer school hours etc. But DH/us would still see her at least a third of the week. She's at the age though where she can choose. Obviously she didn't present it as blackmail as such, it was her mum passing on a message that "she doesn't feel comfortable coming when it's obvious FabbyO deliberately avoids calling DSD 'he'".

DH wants me to use 'he' sometimes but agrees not in front of our sons. He wants her to keep coming so he has the chance to "try and talk some sense into her". I agree with that.

Sorry for the super long post!

Jesus Christ!!!!! This is a new winner for most offensive and idiotic post.

No it won't make it easier for me to see DSD as a he if she chops her breasts off.

WTF?!

Sorry I didn't mean it to be offensive. I just wasn't sure if their plan was to alter their physical appearance and if this would change how you felt maybe. I sincerely apologise. Having not been in this position myself I shall keep my trap shut now. It seems a very complex situation and I wish you and your family well.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I can see what you mean from an abstract point of view. But to get that point of a changed appearance, a young woman would have to have surgery and cross-sex hormones, both of which are horrific to think about. DSD is only 14 and is still going through puberty. I'm hoping that in the 4 or so years before she's able to make such medical decisions, she desists. I want her to be at peace with being a young woman, and being female, and to understand that transitioning as huge health implications and would not make her male.

It is a tough world for teens. Best of luck.

@FabbyO I think you might have missed where I said Ick hard super hard tbh

I honestly don't know what the answer is tbh. I only answered based on what you put and as a step parent you have limited control over this type of thing. I tend to take my lead from DSC parents and if I'm honest I wouldn't have a issue with using the correct pronouns for DSD. Needless to say every step family is different and since there's no rule book that I know of, I don't know what the "correct answer is" being empathetic to all children in the house.

If it was my own daughter I probably wouldn't want to turn this into a battle of wills in teen/rebellion years .

That said any bodily changes is where I would have a issue esp at this age. Im not going to pretend im a expert in this area at all. It's hideous for all.

It is indeed a very tough world for teens @raindon , I really feel for DSD and all teens so much.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I didn't miss that bit but it was undermined by you calling my DSD a DSS.

Do you have your own kids besides having SC? If so, do you ever not have to think about the messages you're giving out to the entire household? Or do you just apply what your DSC's parents do to your own children too, even if it doesn't suit them?

I've already said on this thread several times now that I have decided to use my DSD's pronouns sometimes but will mostly still be using their new name. But as wise posters have said, this is probably just the start and the least of our problems.

@raindon my post wasn't meant to cause offence, I thought I had read you were going to use DSC preferred pronouns and was trying to be respectful (but I definitely mixed up posts).

I wasn't doing it with any malice but I apologise just the same. I can only imagine this being very hard and this is what I mean by this issue is a landmine all around.

I can only say what I think I think would do in your shoes (reality could be very different granted ).

Also yes I have DD and DS (I mentioned that in my first post) and tried to ask myself what I would do if DSC was in this situation and it's my Dc impacted or reverse if dd was struggling with their gender ect. My answer would probably be the same (but that's based on my family dynamics) re pronouns and on anything permanent.

I'm gonna bow out of this one, I don't know enough about the issues at hand.

Dear OP
I think you need to stand firm, and not affirm. When everyone affirms, and encourages and so ups the ante, the child has no one to turn to if doubts do begin to creep in. The loss of face can be a strong factor in continuing with ever more destructive ‘treatments’.

you have to be proud to be a woman in front of her, and to her , and for her.

I wish you well with all my heart.

I agree and this is why Hilary Cass doesn't see social transition as a neutral act.

It is very likely the poor child has a social media group who will be encouraging her to insist and to cut out of her life anyone who does not conform and egging her on in this: she won't realise the consequences of this. The stories of detransitioners have a lot of familiar points. I would be struggling too, OP and very likely, with regret and guilt, give ground as you have to avoid her doing damage to her dad and your relationship and to try and manage the impact on her siblings. There are some supportive parent groups out there who support caution and watchful waiting and may be helpful.

This post is beautiful and poignant, it made me cry

The part about being a woman in front of her, to her and for her: this resonated because being the only two females in the household was part of the special bond DSD and I have. I gave birth to two boys, so I would tell her she was "my favourite girl", and I was really glad my boys had a sister as well as a brother.

DH and I have had another chat. The discussion on here really helped to clarify things and raise points, thank you so so much.

We realised that we can't and won't police what DSD says to her brothers about her now 'being a boy', but we will put some rules in place with her and will also be speaking to the boys separately. We can't stop her telling them she's now a boy. But we can make sure they know we don't believe it and that changing sex isn't possible. We can also make it clear to her that she is not to talk to them about the process of changing sex, like hormones and surgery. Or any discussion of boundaries. At least the boys' ages mean that our ostensible reason for this rule is due to age appropriateness and safe guarding.

We've agreed that, although this is far from ideal, what is right for us is this: DH will use male pronouns for DSD sometimes but I will continue to stick to her name and using 'they'. Our rationale for this is to model to our sons that they don't have to say things they think is a lie, that it's personal choice. And they and DSD will see this outside our house too, some people will object, some won't, and we see that as personal choice rather than hate versus loving acceptance. I am going to explain to DSD that this would be my 'policy' for anyone, including either of my sons, or even DH should he decide he's trans (I'm hoping the idea of that would be so left-field that it'll bring some levity).

Meanwhile, DH will use DSD's new pronouns when he remembers as to him it's a fiction even though he doesn't see DSD as male, and he will be explaining that to our boys. I will also be letting DSD know that I won't be discussing her being trans with her unless she wants to talk to us about it, that she is free to be herself at ours and wont' be criticised even though I won't be using male pronouns.

DH has spoken to his ex and to DSD and told her that he and I want to speak to her tomorrow. DSD has agreed. Wish us luck 🙈

Btw I'm laughing at the comment by a poster about not wanting to be the evil TERF stepmother, I had those thoughts, can you imagine? A lot of teenagers would love to have a villain figure like that to blame things on!!

Wow OP. You sound like you’re doing a great job of navigating through red hot lava here. I think your plan is a good one.

Presumably as DSD feels so strongly about this, she will now be using male loos and changing rooms etc? Has she talked about this and how she plans to manage it at 14?

it's the child who has been gaslit. They are being sold a lie. SoupDragon, you're right - thanks.

It sounds like FabbyO has the ovaries to get through this and her feelings for her DSD are sincere. Stick with your plan, it's a good one.