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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Trans step-daughter

218 replies

FabbyO · 02/09/2022 21:42

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

OP posts:
Beansycheese · 02/09/2022 22:31

Both my children are aware I am clear that you can't change sex.

HappyChloé2 · 02/09/2022 22:32

Countingdowntodecember · 02/09/2022 22:21

Using someone’s preferred pronouns is just offering them respect. It doesn’t mean that you’re accepting that they can literally change sex, just that you care enough not to actively insult them by using a term that they reject.

Honestly, is it worth alienating your stepchild and potentially causing a rift in your family over this?

If your white child says that they are black, is referring to their family history of slavery just showing respect too?

If they suffer from anorexia, and are dangerously thin, is agreeing with them that they are obese also offering them respect?

How can playing along with someone’s d’élisions be helping them?

ThreeLocusts · 02/09/2022 22:34

I hear you OP. My daughter has declared herself trans and I react similarly, the male name is tolerable but the male pronouns just grate. They're nonsensical.

I have no choice but to go along with it if I don't want her to stop speaking to me altogether. And we've got to keep the conversation going. By analogous reasoning, I'd say accommodate your stepdaughter, even if it feels disingenuous.

I've told my DD very clearly that you can't change biological sex and she professes to agree. But she's just desperate to not grow up into a woman. It's a form of wish fulfilment. Here's hoping that your DSD and my DD both grow out of it.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/09/2022 22:35

It could be about 'blowing their cover'. If they are going to the trouble of binding, they clearly want to convince others to treat them as male, male privilege and all. Miserably uncomfortable, binding is, so I'm told. Hence the later rush to mastectomies.

@FabbyO Is this just the latest ruse to get out of housework duties? Wink

Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 22:35

Flapjack637 · 02/09/2022 22:31

Absolutely this for me. It’s so dangerous for young children to be lied to.
No one would be telling me what language to use in my own home.

Show quote history

It's the crux of it for me for sure. If my DC were older then I wouldn't find it so problematic because I could explain to them how I feel and they'd know that if I used the 'wrong' pronouns I'd be paying lip service because it was someone I loved but that I didn't really believe it. But with young children it's different.

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 22:38

In some ways the pronouns are the least of the issues you're going to face when you're so far apart from your DH's ex on all of this; and it seems from your DH.

Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 22:39

@ThreeLocusts I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I agree with what you say and hope they both grow out of it.

@SpaceshiptoMars ha. Problem with that is we don't follow gender stereotypical roles in this house so it's house chores for all.

OP posts:
SwissRole123 · 02/09/2022 22:40

When I was 11 I wanted to be a horse. Thank for there were no pills for that 🐎

SwissRole123 · 02/09/2022 22:40

*fuck

Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 22:43

Sorry if that ha to you @SpaceshiptoMars came across as sarcastic, I can see it might look like that now I see it written down but it wasn't meant like that at all!

Can't remember without scrolling who it was who suggested a website about detransitioners, but thank you Flowers

@AlexandriasWindmill yes I'm worried about that. DH and I are on the same page with our beliefs but he is completely overwhelmed with how to deal with it. But he is also gender critical. DSD's mother however is a surprise. I haven't spoken to her about it, I'm not sure how informed she is of the risks with binding and hormones.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 02/09/2022 22:49

No worries, @FabbyO . It's even more scary when it's male to female, count your blessings! Especially when they decide to go full op....

TidyDancer · 02/09/2022 22:52

I can understand the dilemma here, it's very tricky. I would still avoid the silly pronoun stuff as much as possible and absolutely not use the wrong ones in front of your own DC at all, no matter how much your DSD tries to control things. You can't be compelled to believe something that's not true and the best support you can give to your DSD is to be there, but not endorse this. She will need someone to turn to when she comes out the other side and with a mother endorsing this, you might well be the stability she needs.

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 23:00

After I'd typed, I thought my post sounded flippant and I didn't mean it to, so I'm glad you read it the way it was intended.
We have a young teen and their friendship group has three girls who declared themselves non-binary. After about a year, two of them decided they were girls after all. It means we've had long conversations about all of this with our DC eg sex, pronouns, the difference between being polite and compelled speech.
But it's much more difficult to navigate that with a 7-yr-old. I wouldn't want them to see binding as a healthy choice or to create confusion about sex. Your DH is so focused on your DSD that it seems he may not be taking the full impact on your younger DCs into account. It's very difficult to balance all their needs. I feel for you Flowers

Firsttimecatlady · 02/09/2022 23:06

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 22:08

You can’t validate her at the expense of your young children. No one would make me compel the language of a child who trusts me to be honest with them to participate in someone else’s fantasy, even another child.

Presume you don’t do Father Christmas in your house then? Or are you okay perpetuating that myth and risking the trust of your children…

essex956 · 02/09/2022 23:10

Absolutely this for me. It’s so dangerous for young children to be lied to.
No one would be telling me what language to use in my own home.

It's not lying to them if you're not saying their brother changed sex.

Depending on their age can you not explain he was born female but feels he should been born male. And while you don't agree someone can change from a girl to a boy, it's only fair to treat his as he wishes to be treated (ie as a boy). My 7 yr Dd understands this easier than a lot of grown adults

Fudgemaker · 02/09/2022 23:15

I'm interested in how you would feel if DSD were your own child, would you react differently? No judgement here, I don't have children so I'm genuinely wondering how you negotiate that and whether it's something to consider?

SirVixofVixHall · 02/09/2022 23:18

Lavendersummer · 02/09/2022 21:57

Ultimately is not acceptable for other people to compel your speech. And it would confuse your younger children.
Part of loving someone is not lying to them.
This sounds more like a teen trying to control the situation- as they often want to do as they have little control in their life. Especially if they are struggling emotionally as she seems to be.
Best of luck.

I agree with this.
I think lying to a teenager is wrong, however much it might make that person happy in the short term. It is shoring up a chain of intervention that can end with sterility, loss of sexual function, loss of body parts. This has happened to a girl we know and it was horrifyingly swift.
Why should your feelings on this be suppressed but hers lauded ? That isn’t healthy for a teenager either, and none of this is good for your younger children. I would not lie to my young children, I absolutely would draw a line in the sand on that.
Can you talk to your dsd ?

Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 23:21

Thanks @AlexandriasWindmill

To be fair to DH, he is very against our DS1 and DS2 thinking you can easily change from a 'she' into a 'he' or vice versa. He agrees with me that we shouldn't use male pronouns for DSD in front of the younger DC. I am more GC than him though, he's more flexible about pronouns.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 23:34

Fudgemaker · 02/09/2022 23:15

I'm interested in how you would feel if DSD were your own child, would you react differently? No judgement here, I don't have children so I'm genuinely wondering how you negotiate that and whether it's something to consider?

I've been asking myself this. I would feel exactly the same, these are my views. I would feel more empowered to address it if DSD was my own child or even lived with us full-time, that's the difference. I would be drawing a very firm line on binding and trying to find therapy for my daughter with a therapist who is neutral on gender issues or gender critical.

On the other hand, I know that the levels of worry would be much worse if DSD were my daughter. I see how worried DH is and while I share the worry and view DSD as a child in our family, it's not as primal for me because of the nature of my role.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 23:41

@SirVixofVixHall agree with what you say. Yes DH and I plan on speaking to DSD about this. I would normally be fine talking with her on my own but as this is a little tricky politically (!), I think it's best he's there too and we show a united front on what the line is. Which is, I'll refer to DSD as he sometimes to DH but not in front of my DC. In front of my DC and other times, I'll continue to use DSD's male name and will avoid pronouns or use 'they'.

OP posts:
Sunflower987 · 02/09/2022 23:46

Flapjack637 · 02/09/2022 22:31

Absolutely this for me. It’s so dangerous for young children to be lied to.
No one would be telling me what language to use in my own home.

Show quote history

I feel the same.

I feel so sorry for kids these days, being lied to by teachers, parents, activist organisations and healthcare.
Watching detransitioner stories are truly awful.

As Dr Hillary Cass said social transition is not a neutral act.
Well done for being the adult in the room OP.

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 23:48

For me the younger children would be my main concern. I’ve already had to have a trans conversation with my infants school aged children. It’s so depressing.
I think I’d have to tell my children that DSD was very confused and we would call them x for now but shs hadn’t actually become a man. Because it makes DSD very confused it’s best not to talk to her about it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/09/2022 23:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2022 22:08

You can’t validate her at the expense of your young children. No one would make me compel the language of a child who trusts me to be honest with them to participate in someone else’s fantasy, even another child.

I totally agree with this!

SammyScrounge · 02/09/2022 23:58

Apl · 02/09/2022 22:05

She’s exerting power over you 😔

Would I obey her? No I would not. But it’s your call.

I agree. Basically you are being bullied into doing as you are told. Your younger children could be influenced by her as well.

Original poster
FabbyO · 02/09/2022 23:59

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 23:48

For me the younger children would be my main concern. I’ve already had to have a trans conversation with my infants school aged children. It’s so depressing.
I think I’d have to tell my children that DSD was very confused and we would call them x for now but shs hadn’t actually become a man. Because it makes DSD very confused it’s best not to talk to her about it.

Yes this is good, thank you! I certainly don't want DS2 talking to DSD about it, he'd ask her a ton of questions all involving the word willy.

OP posts: