Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

I don't think the consequences of them using the pronoun “he” for their sibling are obvious at all. I think they will make their own minds up regarding trans issues when they are older regardless of what OP thinks or says when they are very young. The only thing she is going to influence is the relationship her SDC has with their father.

The DSC may well go no contact with her though.

So you wouldn't mind her saying "DSD believes she is a boy, this isn't actually true because she's a girl and it's not possible for her to be a boy, but we need to use "he" when we speak to be nice to her" or similar, @dianthus101 ?

She doesn't need to offer and opinion on whether she believes it to be true.

The DSC may well go no contact with her though.

This isn't the only issue teenagers might threaten to go no contact on, you can't just let them emotionally blackmail you to get what they want every time. They need some boundaries.

She doesn't need to offer and opinion on whether she believes it to be true.

So you're not happy with OP telling her own child that it isn't possible to change sex, then. I thought that would be the case, thanks for confirming.

She isn't just threatening. She is actually not going to visit the house.

I see gender identity ideology in much the same way as I see religious beliefs, and I wouldn't want people indoctrinating my child into any non-scientific belief system.

She isn't just threatening. She is actually not going to visit the house.

My comment stands. Emotional blackmail isn't a good thing to encourage.

@dianthus101 unless you are DSC in question you cannot state that as fact.

Juat use he, its not that big a deal. Obviously you bedx to explain to SD that unintentionally you may skip up because it will take some getting used to. The only person you are hurting is your SD and DP by not doing so

I don't think the consequences of them using the pronoun “he” for their sibling are obvious at all. I think they will make their own minds up regarding trans issues when they are older regardless of what OP thinks or says when they are very young. The only thing she is going to influence is the relationship her SDC has with their father.

Only if they know it is something some people believe in, and others are don't. Otherwise, at their age, they will just believe claiming to change sex is the appropriate thing to do when you are a girl that likes "boy" things or vice versa.

If she offers no opinion on it, as you are suggesting, they are not learning that other side, it is just being presented as fact to them and they will grow up believing it.

Much like if my SC was going to church and my DC asked why, I would tell them it's because they believed in Christianity, not because they were going to worship God, who created the Earth. The latter would be teaching them that that is true. They need to know it is a belief, not a fact.

OP has suggested a reasonable compromise. The child isn't even expecting to share with the boys at school as she's going to use teacher facilities to go to the toilet and change, she knows compromises are necessary.

@FabbyO I completely understand your views and difficulty with the situation. My niece has recently decided they are a boy at the age of 11. Unfortunately my brother's wife (her SM) is absolutely all for this, and I feel is even pushing it quite a bit (her social circle is very LGBT+ and she's getting praise from all her mates for 'supporting' my niece). I would be all for this if my niece seemed to genuinely feel herself to be a boy but she's basically just a bit of a tomboy - as I was at that age. I'm getting so pissed off with my SIL actively suggesting binders, new names and future hormone treatments and surgery to a child of that age. There's being supportive and then there's trying to look cool/woke/whatever to the point that you forget you're dealing with an actual person who is too young (IMO) to make this decision.

SIL has also been telling her own daughter (my younger niece) that she can choose what sex she wants to be, just like her sister. This is a 6 year old ffs.

No advice but a bit of solidarity!

Assuming you didn't give an opinion on whether what they beieved was true, you have actually just contradicted your self.

The 14 year old needs boundaries. You cannot accommodate wishes where it will harm the younger children.

It is quite narrow minded to think a child espousing trans ideology doesn't harm other kids around. It effectively tells any gender non conforming child that their body is wrong. That stereotypes are innate. Children without dysphoria become included in the trans umbrella.

Personally I don't believe in gender stereotypes and I have 2 non conforming children. They are misgendered frequently, they don't mind or even correct people half the time. They don't see the opposite sex as lesser. So I would not expose them to the belief that misgendering is bad. It would undo the work I have put in to try and raise boys who are not misogynists and allow them not to be defined by stereotypes. And given how sexist stereotypes are EVERYWHERE in kid culture that has not been easy.

I would accommodate the name change and obviously clothing because clothes are just clothes. I would check whether my own influence and bias had contributed to the 14 year old's belief in sexist stereotypes. I would question binder - why do breasts have to go, when transwomen say they have women's penises? I would research the harm and speak with the mother. Share the research busting the suicide myth too.

Don't be afraid to have boundaries, as a step parent. As long as the child is equally loved and included, they are usually crying out for boundaries. Boundaries make children feel safer.

If the 14 year old is allowed to exert such a huge control over your family that you have to lie to younger children, that is actually a terrifying place for the 14 year old to be. Be the dissenting voice. The route back when they are strong enough. Be the adult in the room that detransitioners wish they had had. But do this lovingly, always remind them of their wonderful (non stereotype based) qualities.

Religion analogy : teen step child converts to very Conservative strict branch of a religion. Includes a name change - OK. Goes to church - OK but probably best not alone. Changes dress style - OK. Reads prayers and passages from religious text - OK but not to the younger kids. Demands the younger kids also alter their clothing and recite prayers - NOT OK.

See where the demands compare on that list, for you.

It's not an "opinion" that you can't change sex. It's perfectly reasonable to bring your child up knowing the truth about gender identity ideology, given how much pressure there will be to buy into it.

Lots of new posts, thanks for the support and all the views.

There's a fair bit on the effect of the pronoun-usage on the younger, DC, my sons. Thing is, a big part of the reason I don't want to use male pronouns for DSD is for her own benefit. It's important for her to understand, however uncomfortable, that she can't make other believe she's suddenly male. it's also equally if not more important for her to understand she can't wish herself male. She can do 'male things', have 'male traits', dress in a 'male way', but she'll still have a female body and physiology. And that's OK.

It seems a form of self-harm to me to hate the body you have so much you dream about doing physical harm to it. Surgery and hormones do physical harm. I don't want her going down that path. And if that pathway didn't exist, if it wasn't so prevalent at the moment to see photos of young women who are now 'men' showing of their mastectomy scars, if puberty blockers and hormones wasn't something that young people could access... well then I probably wouldn't have a problem calling DSD 'he'. It would be a harmless fiction.

But that's not the reality. There's no way I want to contribute to my DSD actively trying to take testosterone and ending up with osteoporosis by affirming her.
There's also a strong likelihood this will be a temporary phase, and I want to give her the opt-out of desisting with least embarrassment possible by not having complete rigidity with her pronouns.

As it happens, our talk with DSD went well. She's agreed with what we discussed and to be honest she seemed relieved. We've agreed in the end that both DH and I will use they/their for her. It seems like a good solution. Reading between the lines I think she had a lot of anxiety about the start of the new term today and being her new male name today. She's worried about people at school saying things, and not accepting her as male. I think her wanting me to capitulate on the pronouns was her way of acting out her worries. DH told her bluntly but kindly that people will still automatically refer to her as 'she' because, well, she clearly is one. She is not androgynous looking, she is very clearly female.

DH is setting up a meeting with DSD's school so he can discuss this with them, and he told DSD this. He's going to have to meet with DSD's mother and have a long, hard chat about this, but he wants the school's view first and to find out what their policies are.

That sounds really positive. Well done to you all for dealing with it in such a sensible way.

Thank you @Ereshkigalangcleg

Assuming you didn't give an opinion on whether what they beieved was true, you have actually just contradicted your self.

I would be offering an opinion. Some people believe in the teachings of Christianity, some people believe in other religions, but I don't believe in any.

I don't think anyone would really question me doing this where religion is concerned.

Just read your update. I think what you are doing for your step child is immensely important, actually. Even if she grows up and makes the adult decision to transition (highly unlikely but possible) she will know you always supported her wellbeing, safety and mental health.

Thank you @FunnyTalks , that means a lot.

@Whichwhatnow appreciate the solidarity! Sorry to hear you're in a similar position with your niece.

For those talking about my parenting and DSD going no-contact with me: I am not her parent, although happily in a quasi parenting role, and it is ultimately DH DSD would battle with this about, should that happen. I am hardly going to be spouting my TERF-y views at her every times she come over. She knows my views, we've agreed to not discuss certain things around it because we disagree and we respect that we don't share the same view on this.

I am actually fortunate in a way that because I'm not her parent I don't have to have the hard conversations with her that DH may have to, like about the arrangement with school. Ironically I get to be the more neutral adult in the house. DH and I are in complete agreement that he needs to voice any objections to any of this he has himself, so it's clear it's coming from him.

Where it affects me of course is what is said to and in front of my own DC and what language I'm ordered to use. However to my huge relief, DSD, DH and I came to a reasonable agreement on that.

Obviously it also affects me as someone who cares for DSD both in all senses of the word. What I meant of course is where I have the complete right to speak up and set my own boundaries.

Has she actually had a diagnosis of gender dysphoria? If not, I'd insist on her going through the process before you agree to any of these life-changing requests. As already mentioned, there is nothing neutral about presenting as male at school and the binding of healthy growing tissue is barbaric and likely wouldn't be sanctioned by any medical professional.