Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

I really agree with this.

I agree with this. I’d never agree to call my dsd ‘he/him’ ever.

I know her dad wouldn’t either.

Good luck though.

I said to my LO that if they didn't have surgery they would still be attractive to both boys and girls. (Good looking, androgenous). LO told me this was the most convincing argument they'd heard to date. Ultimately made no difference, but hey, it might with somebody else's LO!

@MattDamon no, she doesn't have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and frankly neither DH nor I think she has that. Really good point and advice about that being relevant when speaking to school, thank you.

@Christmasiscominghohoho and @SirVixofVixHall if you read my last posts you'll see that in my update I planned to tell DSD I wouldn't use "he", but that in the end DH and I have agreed with DSD we'll use "they/them" for her. Phew.

@SpaceshiptoMars by LO do you mean little one? I've only seen it used on MN to mean that and its usually in the adopted section, so apologies if I've got that wrong. But does that mean you have a child, possibly adopted (?) with gender dysphoria? I got the impression from your posts before that you didn't have personal experience of this. Would be keen to know more if you do!

@FabbyO LO as loved one. Someone I've had responsibility for from time to time to give others space and time. Because LO has always been very different. And yes, gender dysphoria. Too contentious here to elaborate further.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise. I can't really see a scenario where you need to use pronouns anyway in front of them though. I was always taught that it was rude to refer to someone as “he” or “her” in their presence.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise. I can't really see a scenario where you need to use pronouns anyway in front of them though. I was always taught that it was rude to refer to someone as “he” or “her” in their presence.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise. I can't really see a scenario where you need to use pronouns anyway in front of them though. I was always taught that it was rude to refer to someone as “he” or “her” in their presence.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise. I can't really see a scenario where you need to use pronouns anyway in front of them though. I was always taught that it was rude to refer to someone as “he” or “her” in their presence.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise. I can't really see a scenario where you need to use pronouns anyway in front of them though. I was always taught that it was rude to refer to someone as “he” or “her” in their presence.

one might just have the view of a scientist on this

@dianthus101 you're so glad we reached a compromise you said so 5 times, ha ha! I got notifications saying I had five new posts and it was all you But thank you.

Cheers @Malie for video. I've seen it before, it's clear and good.

How are things now, OP?

Just call her by her preferred name but don't play the pronoun game or leave her alone with your kids. This stuff is socially contagious for young kids and you absolutely don't want her gender ideology getting in the way of your childrens healthy development.

If she is from a group of girls who are all doing the non binary trans thing - they've already worked out how to exert power over the adults around them and each other.

The good news is that this is all being blown apart by recent news events and with some luck this will just be a passing phase. Make sure your own children understand biology and reality before she explains her ideological view.

@PleasantBirthday Sorry for not responding sooner, I've not been on MN. Been hectic but things are... OK. Some terse words between DH and DSD's mother about their differences in opinion and the school's involvement. That's been tough on poor DH but that's a whole other thread!!

DSD seems fairly happy at least and things have been fine in our house.

Glad to hear it. Hope that continues.