Trans step-daughter

[FabbyO]

I thought about posting this on the feminism board but it's primarily step-parenting related. I know this is a sensitive situation and people have strong views.

I love my step-daughter very much. She was non-binary for a while and recently came out as trans. She knows I believe you can't change sex. We didn't share views on trans issues but we agreed to disagree and could muddle along.

Now though DSD's gone all in with a male name and pronouns and this is where the problem has started. Her mother is supporting her and bought her a binder which I'm against, but nothing I can do. I'm OK with using her male name but struggle with using male pronouns. It goes against my principles of using sex-based pronouns. I have younger kids with DH and don't want to tell my 7 year old they have to call someone a he when they can tell the person is a she.

DSD has now told her mum who told DH that she won't come to ours unless I call DSD 'he'. Not even only using DSD's new name to avoid pronouns is acceptable to her anymore. DSD wants the pronoun validation from me.

DH is upset that DSD is trans but he is going along with her new pronouns in order to keep the peace and to see her. He wants me to too. I hate this so much. On one hand I feel gaslighted and on the other I love DSD and don't want to be the reason she stops coming.

Anyone else been in this position and got some advice?

Tricky. Does DSC have a diagnosis of autism, by any chance?

Will they compromise? Use 'they' not 'he'?

This is so hard, but try and make this more about how they feel and less about how you do. Giving this validation is clearly important to their happiness which is an indication of how important your support is. I think you must try to be supportive of the person you love or risk pushing them away. How ever this plays out in the long run, taking this stand and creating a breakdown now simply ensures that you can't be there for them. If you love her, be there for him.

Huge sympathy and best of luck

Did you use ‘they’ instead of ‘she’ when they were non-binary?

Ultimately is not acceptable for other people to compel your speech. And it would confuse your younger children.
Part of loving someone is not lying to them.
This sounds more like a teen trying to control the situation- as they often want to do as they have little control in their life. Especially if they are struggling emotionally as she seems to be.
Best of luck.

You won't be saying 'he' while she is in the same room. So just use her name.

No autism diagnosis no.
My view initially was that DSD was jumping on a bandwagon as there were several girls in her year who were non-binary, gender-fluid and trans. She's only recently turned 14 and is impressionable. But now she's doubled down.
DSD won't compromise with 'they', I did suggest that.

Yes good advice @Raquelos I think I have to give the validation. That's the conclusion I've been coming to, there's no way round it. As much as it really pains me, and it does. It feels so hypocritical on my part.

She’s exerting power over you 😔

Would I obey her? No I would not. But it’s your call.

this is really tricky but I think you have to assess this the same way as you would if it were another clash of opinions / beliefs. Can you meet in a place where you respect DSC wishes without being uncomfortable?

what is it exactly you’re uncomfortable with?

I am gender critical and do not believe you can change sex and I don’t agree with so much of what is going on BUT using someone’s pronouns or new name for me is only about how they “present” - your DSC is a female and that won’t change but they will be living as a trans man and as a trans man it makes sense to use male pronouns.

The compromise in your head is simple: male pronouns don’t make someone male. This can easily be explained to younger kids. DSC wants to live like a boy, they haven’t changed anything on their body and they’ll always be DSC inside but they prefer to look like a boy can call themselves X.

it’s not a hill I’d die on to be honest, they’re not seemingly asking you to deny biology, just to respect how they present socially.

if they were wanting me to petition for things I didn’t agree with then sure, that’s different. But I wouldn’t be deadnaming someone. Especially not someone I cared about.

It’s a bit like religion to me, if you think a virgin birthed the son of god in a barn in Bethlehem then that’s great for you, I’m not gonna argue and I’ll sing the hymns at your church wedding - that doesn’t mean I believe it. I means I respect your right to believe it whilst you respect my right to not believe it.

You can’t validate her at the expense of your young children. No one would make me compel the language of a child who trusts me to be honest with them to participate in someone else’s fantasy, even another child.

Oh DSc is 14. I was thinking more like 17/18.
hmm still same approach, nod and smile, don’t debate it.
stick fast to the facts - biology doesn’t change but I’m happy for you to present as you wish.

its not hypocritical. I don’t eat meat, haven’t for decades. But I do cook my parents meat for Xmas. Because after all this time I know MY beliefs are mine and in my life where it really matters I stick to them. Bending them for other people when it’s important doesn’t change them.

How will she know what pronouns you use? It what situation would she be present and also referred to by pronouns? Just use her name, ensure she’s clear on your views and keep up an affectionate open relationship. Alienating her us probably more dangerous in the long run.

using someone’s pronouns or new name for me is only about how they “present”

Respectfully, I don't agree with this. Pronouns are about controlled and compelled speech. They';re a nonsense - if I am speaking to you in the room right now, why would I use a third person pronoun to your face?

Once you've left the room, what I call you is no longer under your control, and though I don't believe in being unduly rude (I'd likely use 'they'), I am not about to lie about your sex.

It's an oldie but a goodie.
fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

When would you ever use pronouns around the actual person? Surely when they are there you only use their name? How is this even an issue?

she sounds very much like she is trying to have total control indeed. Has she had any therapy at all?

I am gender critical but in this situation I wouldn't want to cause problems between DH and his child. I think I'd nominally agree to use preferred pronouns but in practice try to use their name as often as possible and avoid any pronouns.

Using someone’s preferred pronouns is just offering them respect. It doesn’t mean that you’re accepting that they can literally change sex, just that you care enough not to actively insult them by using a term that they reject.

Honestly, is it worth alienating your stepchild and potentially causing a rift in your family over this?

This is so difficult and Orwellian. It’s emotional blackmail to make you publicly lie out loud - including in front of your younger children. Unfortunately the rest of the world seems to think it’s no big deal or wants an easy life. So what if women get thrown under the bus in the meantime…

I think I would acquiesce but I’d make it clear every time that I was doing it reluctantly and under duress and I would use they and their name as much as possible to avoid the he/him bollocks.

“Using someone’s preferred pronouns is just offering them respect.”

And yet it appears to be compulsory in this situation with a metaphorical gun held to her head. Respect doesn’t seem to work both ways does it?

Countingdowntodecember

Using someone’s preferred pronouns is just offering them respect. It doesn’t mean that you’re accepting that they can literally change sex, just that you care enough not to actively insult them by using a term that they reject.

Honestly, is it worth alienating your stepchild and potentially causing a rift in your family over this

This its not worth the fallout.

“When they were”?

This isn’t some sort of buffet where you pick what you fancy as you go along. For one thing, everyone’s non-binary.

I have been through this with my own older child. When my younger child questioned it I just rolled my eyes and said 'we are going with the zeitgeist baby'

Thank you for all the responses, I'm grateful.

It's the compelled speech I'm concerned about.

I'd use her name when speaking to her of course but the pronouns come up naturally when referring to her to other people in her presence sometimes. Like saying to my younger DC, "give it to her". Using someone's name in all instances isn't natural but I'm certainly happy to do it with her new name. That's what I've been doing but it's made it pointedly obvious that I'm avoiding pronouns and that's what DSD is upset about.

I'm frustrated with her about this, DSD is not controlling at all or didn't used to be. I'm annoyed that this has become an issue between her two houses when there's never really been any bones of contention like this before.

She does seem to be very emotionally vulnerable so I do feel for her even though I'm resentful I've been put in this position.

I've told DH I will refer to DSD as 'he' now and then when talking to DH in front of DSD, but most of the time I'll be using her new name. We're going to tell DSD this is to reinforce it to myself by repeating it but also reinforcing it to our DC who are having to get used to the new name and adapt. DH was fine with that.

Arrrgggghhh.

It's really hard but I wouldn't affirm by using her preferred pronouns. It isn't a neutral act. She's already starting to damage her body by using binders. Children and young people who are socially affirmed, find it harder to pull back when they have doubts. Social affirmation also puts them on the medical route and when they have gone down that pathway, it's more likely to end up in surgery.

Have you come across PITT? Mostly stories from parents but also some from desisters and detransitioners. They have a substack and are also on Twitter.

I'd try and get your DH to listen to some detransitioners. Lots now on YouTube, Twitter etc. So many wish people had said no to them.

I was reading a heartbreaking story today from a 17 year old girl who hates what she has done to her body. Her mum had said no to medication and surgery at first but was worn down by counsellors and finally agreed. Now the mum feels guilty. This poor girl wanted to commit suicide and she said that the only thing stopping her was that she knows that it would make her mum feel even more sad than she already is.

Absolutely this for me. It’s so dangerous for young children to be lied to.
No one would be telling me what language to use in my own home.