Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

Yeah... The fact I prefer it when they aren't here... It's right there in the OP.

The SC may prefer it if you're not there as well.

Maybe!

I totally get where you're coming from!

With my EX and his two the entire weekend REVOLVED around his children.

The amount of (expensive) activities they were treated to every.single.weekend. was absolutely unbelievable (and no, we couldn't afford it!)

And God forbid I tried to anything independently of him and DSC, maybe the occasional drinks-with-girls or see my family, the sulks and pouts that I didn't want to spend every waking second with the three of them.

So so happy to be out of that shit show!

Yes I know you prefer it when his other kids aren’t there, because you say he changes, but it comes across to me that you don’t like their presence because you and your dc don’t have his full undivided attention.

You haven’t answered the poster who asked how often you see them

I second that!

You’re asking OP to quantify why she finds it unpleasant so you can then use that to pull her apart more.

OP isn’t obliged to arm you with information to use against her.

The dsc’s see their dad every other weekend, do they stay for the whole weekend or just for a few hours, or the whole day?

I know exactly how you feel OP. My EXDP was like this, and it made me dread the weekends his DC came, because he became extremely unattractive (to me) with his willingness to cater to every single thing. He even used to brush his 8 year old (at the time) teeth, and wipe their bum when they went to the loo No SEN.

I freely admit I'm a very structured person, and love order. When my DSC used to come the red carpet was rolled out and the whole house was disrupted. He expected me to pick up after his DC with no thanks, then when I refused he started doing it, yet never did the same for our (joint) DC. At least now I've left he treats all 3 of his DC the same, as he hasn't found a new victim DP ti do his dirty work for him.

I’m not asking her to quantify anything.
I pointed out that she hasn’t answered how often her dsc’s are there.

You haven’t answered the poster who asked how often you see them

50:50.

And nope nothing about his undivided attention, just the reasons I gave in my post. Do you have any reason to disbelieve what I've wrote?

Hi suede shoes
What’s your beef with the OP? You just seem to be attacking her for no reason.

she has said ( you would probably say admitted) that she finds her step children’s presence disruptive. What have you got to gain by continually repeating it? Are you a mother who resents your children going to stay with their father, your exHusband? Are you an aggrieved stepchild? Or are you just self righteously delighting in pointing out someone else’s self admitted discomfort? Go and have a good look in a mirror.

Can I ask how old they are, OP? For me it’s really relevant to my answer as it would be different if they are teens than if they are under seven.

10 & 13

There’s one.

They come every other weekend but adhoc inbetween.

i don’t think it matters if they only see them once it’s no excuse to be rude. Please and thank you should just be standard.

Also they stay from Friday - Sunday. Not just the day.

I get this 100%.. when I say it drives me MAD I really mean it. My DH changes completely, nothing can continue as normal... jobs round the house don't get done, dog doesn't get walked, we eat meals at strange times, everything is about the children.

Each morning and afternoon there's a child activity. They have constant entertainment every weekend they're with us. He will never just leave them to play for a couple of hours. Always needs to be some sort of interaction with us.

I've brought it up SO MANY times. I would much prefer them to just be part of our lives, and do what we do. Rather than us change everything for them. He doesn't get it. And I get it to a degree, but it's just 2 extremes.

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. And it's shit
🤣🤣

I get it OP. I'm not a stepparent but I get why it would feel exhausting to watch the whole facade play out for half your life.

He's not doing anybody any favours. His children should have two 'normal' homes where they can relax and unwind etc.

Yes I know you prefer it when his other kids aren’t there, because you say he changes, but it comes across to me that you don’t like their presence because you and your dc don’t have his full undivided attention.

I never wanted my H’s undivided attention. What I wanted was not to have my needs and my children’s needs pushed aside because the golden children were there. I wanted the SC to be part of our lives rather than the enormously disruptive nightmare their contact became. I wanted my H to consider things other than his own feelings - because it wasn’t even about what was best for his older kids; the inconsistency, the weird dynamics, all of it was not good for anyone.

Yes I know you prefer it when his other kids aren’t there, because you say he changes, but it comes across to me that you don’t like their presence because you and your dc don’t have his full undivided attention.

I don’t get this impression from OP at all… I think some people cannot understand that if you spoil DC and cater to their every whim, to the exclusion of everyone and everything else, then other people might not actually enjoy spending time
with the spoilt children who are the end product of this behaviour

It’s okay to prefer it when there not around, I imagine many step parents do.

The thing is, your needs come second to the step children. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be considered, but your partner should be putting his kids first. Perhaps he feels that’s what he’s doing.

I don’t know if I could cope being a step parent, but I was a step child, and I knew when I was an inconvenience, and I remember it to this day.

Just talk to him, explain how you feel, you should be able to reach a compromise.

Or with the parent running Disney camp every time the kids arrive.

but your partner should be putting his kids first.

theres a difference between needs and wants. That’s pretty important in this context. Needs should all be balanced and wants should come second to everyone’s needs.

The statement that the SC must always come first and your needs are never as important as their (wants) is what dooms so many stepfamilies.

In any family, the kids cannot always come first. One of their needs is about a healthy relationship between the adults in the household. That’s true whether it’s a nuclear family or a stepfamily. Constantly disregarding one of the adults’ needs and othering them every time your kids turn up is not ok. It will end in divorce.

everyone’s needs can be met. But Disney dad behaviour - reinforced by ‘the kids must come first’ - isn’t helpful and usually isn’t even about needs. It’s about whims and wants and creating ever more whims and wants.