Prefer it when DSC aren't here

[Chime11]

Anyone else feel this way?

Basically I just much prefer life and our family when DSC aren't here because my husband changes.

It's not necessarily anything bad but he, I guess what would be called Disney on here, just acts weird when his kids are here.

It's constant treats and making huge fuss and falling over himself to fuss over them and expecting everyone else too as well.

I get it in one respect, he doesn't see his kids all of the time so wants to make it special or whatever, I can't even say I wouldn't be the same, but from an outsider's perspective everything just feels so much more normal and easygoing when they are with their mum. We get on better, life flows better, there is no red carpet rolling out. Sometimes it makes me cringe how much he falls over himself to provide endless treats and fuss. If they c

Anyone else?

Slightly OT but genuinely curious re men changing once they have women suckered in - @RocketsMagnificent7 Could you direct me to any reading on this?

I don't have anything to hand, I just remember coming across something while researching another topic for a uni assignment. I'll see if I can find it but may not be until weekend.

Don’t worry too much I’ll do some googling

What posters such as BlueSwede fail to appreciate is that by perpetuating the negative attitudes/prejudice towards step parents (i.e. I'll assume you're jealous/unkind/cold until you give enough examples to prove otherwise) it actually contributes to women having little idea what they're getting into if they date a man with DC. Because until you've lived it, you kind of assume there's no smoke without fire and stepparents get a bad rep because many are indeed jealous or petty or feel threatened by the children or the ex wife just existing. But because we ourselves are nice normal people who don't hate kids we assume that yes there might be some initial reservations from the DC but they'll see that we make an effort with them and all will be fine eventually because you can't have too many nice kind people in a child's life, right?

You soon find out this is a load of old codswallop because there are so many things outside of your control that you don't get to see until you've lived in the same household such as Disney parenting, loyalty binds, a hostile ex, conflict around contact schedules and maintenance etc etc. I've said before on this board how I thought I had an idea what life with DC was like as I lodged for a while with a landlord who had his primary aged DC on a week-on week-off basis. I had zero issues living in the same house as children. What decimated my mental health was all the unearned hostility and unreasonable expectations that were placed on me the minute society thrust the title of Step Mum upon me (to DH's kids, not landlord's).

As for the point about "If they lived together before marrying, surely they would’ve known about and witnessed the dynamics of the parenting of their future dsc’s" - I agree with PP that that kind of logic applies to most relationships. The only reason why step parents exist at all is because the first relationship broke down - presumably in the majority of cases they knew what their partner's personality was like before having children with them? Or is it the case that people change/what was once tolerable before turns into a dealbreaker as situations and relationships evolve?

@DebussytoaDiscoBeat exactly - how is anyone to know exactly what they’re getting into. Nobody dare be honest for fear or judgment.

These are excellent points. Really excellent.

Theres also the simple fact that there’s much less ‘try before you buy’ in stepfamilies because of the needs of the children. If you do everything ‘right’ (according to MN), then actually you simply will not see this stuff until it is too late. For example:

1. Waiting before you even meet the kids. This means that you don’t have any chance to SEE any parenting at all until you are deeply attached to your partner. You’ve both already decided the relationship has real legs and that’s what makes it appropriate to even introduce the children.
2. Still, you’re thinking about their needs, so what you actually see of the parenting is pretty limited and confined to easy/fun situations. You don’t see the day-to-day stuff because you’re just doing the nice bits together.
3. You make the assumption that the parenting is going on and the fun stuff has normal priority in family life. You haven’t experienced Disney-dad logic before. Even if you’ve heard about it, you don’t imagine that this perfectly sensible man you’ve fallen in love with would be like that. You assume there are normal boundaries, expectation and balance in his life with his children. You assume he treats them as part of the family not special visitors.
4. You only start to see ANY of this when you make the huge step of moving in together/getting married. You’ve taken your time and are all in because the needs of the children are such that there is no testing things out possibility. You can’t just try living together in the way people who don’t have children do.
5. But you’re also aware that it’s a huge transition for the children, so terrible behaviour and overly lenient parenting seems to be about supporting the adjustment. You don’t recognise that it’s actually just the norm.
6. Even where it wasn’t the norm previously (or was less so), the new stepfamily context can provoke or exacerbate the kind of guilt and fear in nonresident fathers that fuel Disney—dad behaviour. This is even more the case where the children’s mother reacts badly to the next context.
7. Nothing settles down and the SM finds herself as the evil SM, scapegoated and resented/ful.
8. But the cultural references of evil SMs mean that she doesn’t see this as a result of the crap situation she’s in. No she sees it as a personal failing. She internalises it all and feels she’s a bad person.

So, yeah, it’s most definitely the case the SMs DO NOT know what they are getting in to. And all the people banging on about awful, nasty, jealous SMs with precisely no understanding of what any of this is like actually make it much harder to recognise the situation for what it is.

Well I thought I knew what I was getting into, as my parents separated when I was small. We stayed with Mum and visited Dad. However this was before all the nonsense about maintenance calculations being based on overnight stays etc so I don’t recall ever spending the night at Dad’s house, not for any negative reason, but simply because home was with mum, so that’s where we slept. And this seemed to work for everyone.

Mum wasn’t afraid of losing us because obviously we were never going anywhere, and I don’t think Dad would have wanted us EOW (and i really wouldn’t have wanted to split my time between two households). So neither parent was competing for us, so no need for any Disney-ing.

So that’s how I though separated families worked. Suffice to say I was in for a shock …

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander 100% bang-on, especially points 1, 3 and 5. And people with little experience or empathy see emotionally exhausted SM's who have reached point 7 or 8 posting here and pounce on the chance to stick the boot in as though the SM started out their relationship that way. So frustrating when thread after thread gets derailed by digs that offer no constructive advice at all.

Afraid I haven’t read the whole thread but more than half the women I talk to for the podcast prefer life when their stepkids aren’t there for a MYRIAD of reasons. So you aren’t alone, and you aren’t wicked!

step-parenting, particularly stepmumming is INCREDIBLY tough, every situation is unique and I’d love to see us applying more empathy and less judgement to stepmothers.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Another one who prefers it when DSC aren't over. I think that's totally normal. It changes the whole dynamic. DP doesn't "Disney dad" but he does get a bit obsessive about things like meals - he starts trying to cook up the most elaborate fancy meal that takes hours to prep. Yet when the DSC aren't over he's happy with bunging a pizza in the oven for him and I and our shared DC. 🤷‍♀️ It grates on me. He's definitely a more relaxed go with the flow type person when they aren't over.

@stepmumspacepodcast I love the podcast btw, so reassuring to know I'm not the only person having these sort of feelings!

Aaah thanks. You definitely aren’t the only one! X

I haven't read the whole thread but I felt exactly the same. I think you have to swallow it though and let him have his time with them. As you say you would be the same if you only saw your dc eow.
I found encouraging them all to go out and have quality time away from the house helped. It gave me some peace and quiet and they got one on one time with their dad. I also used to arrange to see friends when they were there, simply because it made him step up and actually look after them rather than being Mr Fun while I was Mrs Strict!!!
Those days are behind us now but I still remember that feeling of relief (and guilt for feeling relieved) when they all pulled out of the drive after yet another Disney Dad weekend.
It is nice now that they come and go as they want, I actually look forward to seeing them now and feel a bit sad when they leave!

Not a Stepmum

It holds ZERO appeal because of this very reason.

i don’t want other people’s children living in MY abs MY children’s home.

i sympathise with step mums, but I am genuinely curious… what did you imagine it was going to be like? Because I have no experience or insight whatsoever but I don’t need to have any experience or insight to know that it holds NO appeal to be living with, sharing a bathroom, living room, kitchen, meals, holidays, days out, birthdays, Christmas, basically my life and watching my children have to also share their home and these experiences with other kids…. To know it holds f@ck all appeal.

Your assumption seems to be that sharing your home/life with other people's children is the main element of step parenting that stepmums struggle with therefore you know it's not for you.

While that's undoubtedly true for some, other people such as myself and presumably many of the SP's on this board had no problem in principle with sharing their home/life with DSC in that way. What we therefore don't imagine is all the dynamics that only start to engulf you after you start living together with someone with DC because up till then you've only seen the kids on days out, meals round their house etc where there are no expectations placed on you other than fun aunt. Fishcakes post on this thread from 06/07/2022 14:23 sums it all up beautifully IMO.

While that's undoubtedly true for some, other people such as myself and presumably many of the SP's on this board had no problem in principle with sharing their home/life with DSC in that way.

ah that is where there is a clear divide then. Between those like yourself that are comfortable with the concept of sharing your home with other children that you have only engaged with during “days outs and holidays” and those, like myself, that shudder at the idea.

I suppose also - I can’t imagine even thinking that the dynamic would be anything other than hold the very distinct possibility of tension further down the line. Teenagers, other parents, different parenting styles, finances etc - surely has all the ingredients for a strong potential for toxicity?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

Both my SC’s parents seem to see them largely in terms of financial obligations/gains. Both of them are motivated to an inordinate degree by child maintenance. I

how on earth can you stay with a man like this?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

Even now, his prioritisation of time with the SC over anything else is not about being a good father. It is entirely (and explicitly!) about ensuring he doesn’t stray into a different maintenance category and have to pay her more. I

I really hope you have walked because I just can’t get my head around thinking this but staying with someone

@Ohthatsexciting
I think there are many step mum's who found alot of those things perfectly acceptable, if not actually appealing. There are nice bits about step parenting, so it's not like we all decided one day "let's just walk through the fires of hell so we can all moan about it. Shit happens though, people change, relationships change, hence the existence of step parents in the first place.
I do find myself a bit flummoxed by posters who are in abject misery in relationships less than a year old and they find everything to do with their BFs ex and children's existence intolerable and yet choose to stay in that relationship. Come on to fuck.
Very different to the boiled frogs now in five years, a mortgage and a baby deep.

Genuinely curious

what “appealed to you” about blending families and sharing yours and your children’s home with another family?

I would so struggle with the money element of it.

i want to spend every last penny spare on MY children. I want to give them the best I can afford.

I don’t want have to hold back back at Christmas so that it’s fair and not risk hurting SC feelings. Equally I don’t want my children to be in a scenario whether their step siblings around them are getting multiples of presents that I couldn’t afford.

i don’t want to go on holiday and do something a SC wants to do that my children don’t.

i don’t want to go out for multiples meals and I am asking my children to do this or that re manners and the SC aren’t because they aren’t parented like that l.

i could go on

Re the money thing. Why could you not spend every penny on your own child?

I have DC and DSC and the only way I financially contribute to them is by having a home that's big enough to house them that I may not need if they weren't around although tbf I'd probably still have a similar size house anyway.

But, if I have any spare money to spend on any DCs it'll be my DC. I do buy my child whatever I want to get them for Christmas, I do treat them to things they want even if DSC don't get them. Put very bluntly and frankly, the only child I concern myself with financially is my child, I don't really care what goes on with DSC money/treats/Christmas present wise.

DSC are the financial responsibility of their parents not me. The expectations that they should be my financial responsibility also is part of the problem.

@Ohthatsexciting you're only focussing on all the potential negatives of step parenting/blended families. As a childless person myself I could just as easily ask why you chose to have children when they mean loss of freedom, sleep deprivation, having to share your space with others, impact to career, huge cost in time and money, endless ferrying around, the mess, the noise, the backchat... let alone what happens if they become seriously ill or depressed or go off the rails or become/get someone pregnant at 14 or you simply just don't get on?

Of course alongside all the negatives there will be positives that come with being a parent, and people are free to decide whether on balance whether it's worth all the sacrifice. There are plenty of people who love their step children/step parents/step or half siblings etc, it's just that you'll read more about all the potential problems on this board just like you'll read about liars and cheaters and laziness and abuse over on Relationships. It doesn't mean that being in a relationship or being a parent or being a step parent is inherently a negative experience - much depends on the personalities and circumstances of all those involved.

I'm a bit different to many on this forum because I don't have any major issues with my partner or his ex surrounding DSS, I just find step parenting in general pretty hard and joyless.

For me, the main reason I didn't expect it to be like it was was because I was very young and naive, and I'd never really had any experience of kids before. I didn't have my own kids to worry about the impact on. I'd been with my partner for quite some time before I met his son so by then I was not willing to leave the relationship over my qualms about what EOW was like. I just stuck it out. It got less enjoyable over time as DSS grew older and more challenging - being brutally honest in the beginning I just assumed he would be sweet and enjoyable to be around. But it wasn't how the situation turned out.

It's for all of these reasons that I'm a big advocate for people being open about the challenges of living with other people's kids. It was not something I'd ever seen anyone discuss openly and honestly.